Drizzts Siren's page

Does anyone know what happened, how sigil got on with court etc?

I am completely overwhelmed right now and did not sleep last night so if this seems inappropriate ignore or delete with no hard feelings from me...

Last night I got home from work to be told that my wife of 11 years has filed for divorce. She is asking for everything, the house all the assets and worst of all full custody of my children.

We were going through a rough patch but I guess it is one she does not intend to see through to the end.

Anyway, I have been in tears or near tears since I got the news and am reaching out here because my RL friends and family did not even know we were having bumps. If there is anyone out there with similar experience I would love to hear your perspective. For the record I am in Rhode Island. I cannot stand the thought of loosing my boys and feel paralyzed.

Sebastian? Anyone?

Its a difficult situaton that can happen and getting good sound support and advice is important. This is a very raw and recent shock. But when the intitial shock is over I think you will look at your post and the advice given here.

Some supportive people have made some really good suggestions and keeping the emotional from the business of moving forward is essential.

Clearly if your wife has filed after all this time and has asked for custody then there were not a 'few bumps' as you said and there was significantly more issues going on. I know this is a shock but you should look a little closer at your post and this may give you some clues. You have commented 'my' children. In divorce there is no yours and hers, children are not a commodity and many have posted here that the most important and paramount thing is to consider what is best to give the stability to the children. In custody the children come first. So before you react I would consider long and hard why there is such a gulf between your few bumps and not even telling your family and her filing for a full divorce. it seems to me you have not recognised that their were significant issues to be address. It is also worth recognising that for someone to ask for everything usually means there are serious issues. Why would she want full custody, has there been some major event that caused it. Also why havent you told your family, clearly there were problems, no one just suddenly files for divorce.

Another important thing to recognise is not to be scared by legal terms, full custody does not mean you cannot live a life and watch your children grow or be an active part in them developing and enjoying their lifes. I would suggest a few things

Firstly, as many have posted here, recognise this is a formal process and consult a lawyer, do not try to resolve it in any other way.

Secondly, once the shock has dwelled, recognise that they are not your children, but that they have two parents and the most important thing is to mediate a solution that is best for them not necessarily one that is best for you, in custody it is the children that are important. You should look inwards to yourself and ask deep questions over what is best for them. There are many forms of agreements that can be made that can mean you can have a full father relationship with your children but these must be done through the legal system.

Thirdly, as others have pointed out here. Teh natural tendency will be to discuss this with your wife. If she has filed then the discussion point was way past, and i find it hard to beleive that those bumps were minor. But for the sake of the children you need to make sure you do not discuss this with her in fornt of them and make sure their needs are met. This is something you will have to do with your wife while the legal process is going on. I know that is hard and it is fresh but do not get into fights over custody inthe family home. There are professionals to resolve that and it is better to discuss these things with your wife with lawyers present.

Lastly , think long and hard what caused her to file, it is a signficant step she has taken, and in my experience it takes two to tango so you givenshe has filed and you only saw a few bumps , then it seems to me you have not recognised your own issues or addressed them, as you did not even tell a rl freind you were having problems apparently. The other thing to remebr is life does indeed take a different path but that does not mean it can be any less fullfilling.

Remember your main shock was the prospect of losing your children and looking for advice , well this may seem a little harsh but my advice is simplt this, do what is best for the children of both of you, not what is best for you and when you look at it more clearly you may find that is not necessarily the same thing. It is hard message to a very sensitive issue. But I do advise you put them first in tha case of custody. Assets and Houses are a seperate issue inthe eyes of a court and I am sure agreements canbe reached where you can both get on with your lives in a fullfilling way if you work towards a practical solution. That is what lawyers can advise and help with.

As regards the suggestion of leaning on friends that was suggested I would tread carefully, if you are about to fight over the kids, it is a bad idea to coerce freinds to choose sides, you have been married 11 years, many fo these will be joint and in court if it gets ugly where you think you have a friend this could be easily turned as hostile to your case. I wish you well and the children but once dst has settled look more closely at solutuons that mean everyone can get on with their lives.