Yeah, offices suck! I hate them. I hate the people that work in them. Thank goodness, I'm getting the hell out of ever working in an office again. Got my own business. It RULES being your own boss!
Anyway, I thought I'd start a list of the 100 most annoying/inane office comments ever. The crap you hear over and over around the office and wish you wouldn't.
I'll start it off.
1. "Are we having fun yet?"
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Yeah, offices suck! I hate them. I hate the people that work in them. Thank goodness, I'm getting the hell out of ever working in an office again. Got my own business. It RULES being your own boss!
Anyway, I thought I'd start a list of the 100 most annoying/inane office comments ever. The crap you hear over and over around the office and wish you wouldn't.
I'll start it off.
1. "Are we having fun yet?"
I've never actually heard these spoken seriously, but:
2. "It looks like someone has a case of the Mondays."
3. "Corporate Accounts Payable, this is Nina speaking? Just a moment!"
4. "Yeeeah, I'm going to have to ask you to go ahead and come in on Saturday, mmkay? That'd be greeat."
5. "Cold enough for ya?" OR...
6. "Hot enough for ya?"
Grrrrr!
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5. "Cold enough for ya?" OR...
6. "Hot enough for ya?"Grrrrr!
I worked as a mailman one summer, and I got that one ALL THE TIME. I'm basically driving around in this non-air conditioned oven, lugging around a thirty pound sack of mail in 90+ degree weather, and people would gleefully mention the heat before scurrying back to their central air.
Offices are bad, but I've had jobs that were much, much worse.
Most offensive: Warning: Adult I had an older woman 50's that works for me. She told me she thinks about me while she masterbates...then invited me home with her...most akward moment of my life. I'm 22 that in no way was a turn on. My wife thought it was hilarious. I now avoid that woman like the plauge.
Most Annoying: Ahh Fizzban your the baby you're so much younger than the rest of us.
I'm the youngest (which I try to hide) where I work, most people are 26 to 50s I'd say, so every time someone figures out my age...Oh your so young...
Fizz
5. "Cold enough for ya?" OR...
6. "Hot enough for ya?"Grrrrr!
I worked as a mailman one summer, and I got that one ALL THE TIME. I'm basically driving around in this non-air conditioned oven, lugging around a thirty pound sack of mail in 90+ degree weather, and people would gleefully mention the heat before scurrying back to their central air.
Offices are bad, but I've had jobs that were much, much worse.
I used to work as a brick layer during summers. I hated: Sure is early huh? Sure is hot huh? Hey that 80lb bag of mortar sure looks heavy...
Fizz
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9. "Does this look good to you?"
Like my own work isn't enough for me to do, now I need to appraise yours and give constructive criticism, essentially telling you how to do your job. I'm a stay-at-home dad now so thank god that's over!
10. "How can you stand doing that every day? I would kill myself if I had to do that."
Please kill yourself anyway. Please. It actually isn't so bad if morons would stop commenting to me on how awful it is.
Richards.
"My computer doesn't work."
Usually followed by "I didn't do anything."
When they usually did.
Director of Sales
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This isn't so much an office comment, but...
When I was in high school, I worked at a movie theater. Movie theaters are open on holidays. Every time I got stuck working on Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc., I would get at least one customer who would say:
"Wow... it sucks that you have to work on the holiday"
Well... I wouldn't if people such as yourself didn't go to the movies on holidays.
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The public access TV station I work in is a bit... loose as far as ethics/conduct/attire/budget/etc.. goes. A guy I work with, Ben, once cracked me over the head with an empty beer bottle while I was asleep at my desk.
We also get extra money from the state if we employ disabled people. That's where Kyle comes in. From what I've heard, he was slightly brain damaged as a child, and he walks that ever so fine line between 'retarded' and 'really REALLY dumb'. A while back (around the same time I joined as a high school sophomore- Kyle was just out of high school), he filled in as "the weather guy". We figured out he wasn't reading the cue cards when he popped out the following:
"It's gonna be sixty, um, degrees out, so BE CAREFUL!"
I also once walked in to find my boss ranting over the phone about "those IDIOTS at Wizards" and how they "FRIGGIN' NERFED 4e! THOSE BASTARDS!" I think that was last week.
Let's see...
A guy who works on the third floor of our four-storey building (floors one though three are the local high school, the fourth floor is administration, with three tiny rooms given over to the station. Hey, at least it's *technically* free.) once walked in with a gigantic box full of records.
"Could you put these on CD?"
"John. We can't magically zap these onto compact disc with our computers."
"Why not."
"We just can't."
"OK, well, I'm going to leave these here..."
They're still there.
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My friend Bryce worked as a re-enactor at the local tourist trap: Fort Ticonderoga. He once related some gems to me:
"Is this real dirt?"
"Why are you dressed like that?"
"Can we climb the walls?"
"I tried to drive my car through the gate, but it wouldn't fit. Where do we park?" (they had tried to drive through the main gate onto the parade ground, bypassing the rather obvious parking lot)
and the ever-popular:
"How do you get the flags to point in the same direction?"
Bryce would often reply:
"Magnets."
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Again: not really an office, per se:
During the summer months, I work at a Boy Scout camp. While many of the Scoutmasters are interesting, intelligent people, about twenty percent are, in my opinion, clinically brain-dead.
The staff wears a uniform, consisting of Scout shorts, knee-high socks, and bright orange shirts with the word STAFF emblazoned across the back and the front. And still, at least once a week, I get:
"Do you work here?"
Also, I frequently get this from the parents that come to drop their boys off:
"Hot, eh?" or something like that. Yes.
Also, there are those that just don't pay attention. Like the guy that, every week, attempts to dive off of the dock, DIRECTLY over the "no diving" sign.
And the idiots that get hired to do the plumbing.
We have an industrial dishwasher that is larger than some compact cars, and were perplexed as to why it was draining onto the floor. Keep in mind, this is a big, obvious problem. We called the commissioner (fix-it guy) to figure out what was wrong. He took one look under the dishwasher, and began to laugh hysterically.
Apparently, the guy we'd called to fix the thing about a week earlier had not attached a gigantic (8-inch gauge, ten foot long) Y-pipe to the drainage pipe. Normally, these things are either threaded or glued together. This one was stuck together with nothing but friction.
These stories could go on for pages. I've met a lot of idiots.
I like Fort Ti. My grandparents live near there. Ever been to TiPi? It's pretty good.
Maybe. They used to live up on Lake George, but moved into Ticonderoga a few years ago. And they've been spending their winters in Arizona as long as I can remember. But if you know a Frank and Anne Fowler, then you've met them.
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Maybe. They used to live up on Lake George, but moved into Ticonderoga a few years ago. And they've been spending their winters in Arizona as long as I can remember. But if you know a Frank and Anne Fowler, then you've met them.
I've never met them, but I've heard the name mentioned. Again, it's a small town.
Your grandparents seem to be what the locals refer to as "Jersey folk". A.K.A. People Who Leave During The Winter, Regardless Of Whether They're From New Jersey.
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Owner - Johnny Scott Comics and Games
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Here's a few I tend to despise:
"Do you have any capacity for XX project?"
"We have an opportunity in our customer service delivery." (Opportunity = Problem)
"I'm a people person."
"Let's take a temperature check with a strawman."
"We need to think outside the box."
Unfortunately, I spend my days in an environment where CorporateSpeak is the official language.
Eldritch, you just officially killed me with those! :)
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Unfortunately, I spend my days in an environment where CorporateSpeak is the official language.
Our work environments are polar opposites. Typical comments from my job at the station:
"Hey, F!!$ YOU!"
"Dude, toss me the dice bag, I'm rolling for initiative again."
"BLOODY HELL! THIS IS TOO F&*$ING SLOW!"
"In your opinion, what's the best imported beer?"
"Well, it seems that the internet is down. I need someone to go up to the crawlspace and jiggle the hub."
"We need to get this done NOW. Why are you just sitting down like that?"
"WAKE THE F%&~ UP!"
"ZERG RUSH! DAMMIT!"
"Shut up, d-bag!"
"Could you go down to the basement, and grab about thirty feet of co-ax, twenty of mic cord, six mf adaptors, a cardboard box, and a doxen donuts?"
"Why doesn't this work? Do we need this?"
"This box says DO NOT OPEN. What's in it?"
"One down, several thousand to go."
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This is more of a story, but it comes with a quote.
When I worked at GameStop a while back, some college kid came up to me one day and said,
"What the most erotic game that you have? My girlfriend wants one." He didn't pick the best one.
So I showed him D.O.A. Beach Volleyball XTreme. (I'm thinking he want's to make a real sale here)
We went over to the PS3 and he got super close to me, like, within breathing distance. After about two minutes he backed off and said, "This was a survey to see how you would react to awkward moments."
He asked me to answer some weird questions, and then left.
It creeped me out.
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This is more of a story, but it comes with a quote.
When I worked at GameStop a while back, some college kid came up to me one day and said,
"What the most erotic game that you have? My girlfriend wants one." He didn't pick the best one.
So I showed him D.O.A. Beach Volleyball XTreme. (I'm thinking he want's to make a real sale here)
We went over to the PS3 and he got super close to me, like, within breathing distance. After about two minutes he backed off and said, "This was a survey to see how you would react to awkward moments."
He asked me to answer some weird questions, and then left.
It creeped me out.
That sends chills down my spine.
Unfortunately, I spend my days in an environment where CorporateSpeak is the official language.
You need to follow the learning curve of synergies in your tools and solutions that will shift you to a more impactful paradigm.
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Director of Sales
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You need to follow the learning curve of synergies in your tools and solutions that will shift you to a more impactful paradigm.
Unfortunately, I spend my days in an environment where CorporateSpeak is the official language.
I'm going to need you to leverage our strengths so as to re-prioritize our assets to be more goal-oriented and have a stronger through-line of name recognition.
Please.
"My computer doesn't work."
Usually followed by "I didn't do anything."
When they usually did.
Arrgh!! I'm not even a computer person (in any way shape or form) and this ticks me off!! I hear it ALL THE TIME where I work.
8. "Are you busy?" (This is almost always an attempt at finding out if the boss can assign you more work without feeling guilty.)
Oh! One of my pet peeves! You either look like a b!tch or a slacker.
11. "Is it Friday yet?"
F$&&, this is a really creepy thread. Am I ever glad I made the 'wrong' decisions in life.
I work in a historic house built in 1845 and restored to look like it did in Antebellum St. Louis.
From adults I get, "Where's the bathroom?" "Is there an elevator?" "Can I touch it?"
I tell them the house is haunted by the spirit of murdered prostitutes. That shuts them up.
Most of the time in my job I paste things together for a publisher; one of the last places to have a room full of people that cut and combine wall calendars or make their own dummy books with a Xyron machine to hold up at meetings in lieu of the real thing. The thing that drives me crazy sounds layed back and relaxed, but there's an undercurrent of menace and hostility.
"Whenever you get a chance", or "It isn't an emergency."
Because these comments have a nebulous deadline, they get pushed to the back. Hey, if they were in a rush, they would have said so, so I can move on to the assertive people that give me a concrete timeframe. Right?
The "layed back" people are the wild cards. "It isn't an emergency" means "It is an emergency, but I don't want to tell you for reasons I do not fully comprehend." I know when someone is going to come for a project that's needed at 3: they'll show up for it around 3. But someone with a nebulous deadline will show up either every hour or every thirty minutes. Just say you need it in a few hours or that it's a rush. Don't get mad when I take you at your word.
And for God's sake, if you want a box made that's 96 inches long, don't be surprised when we give you one that's eight feet long the next day. Do you have any concept of basic arithmetic or spacial reasoning? That maybe 96 inches are a lot of inches and that what you're thinking of can't possibly be that big?! Because two 24 inch boxes do not equal one 96 inch box. Just FYI.
It's not personal; it's just business.
Like Mr. Greer, I too am glad I no longer have to work in an office. However, that does not prevent me from hearing my share of stupid, annoying stuff. My current personal favorite:
Working sound for an outdoor show whose venue is unfortunately right next to one of the busiest freeways in the country. The main reason they need a sound system is for the show to be heard over the sound of traffic.
We're toward the end of tech, putting the final touches on the show, when the director tells the sound department "It's good, but I can still hear the traffic."
Yeah, we don't have a knob for that.
Patrons like to complain to the sound mixer. I think it's because the mixer is typically the only crew person in the house, where audience can see them, and the mixer is surrounded by big fancy equipment with lots of sliders, knobs and little led lights and stuff.
I've had patrons complain to me (when I was mixing) that it was too hot or cold in the theater, and could I please do something about that?
If I have a free fader or knob, I'll just grab it and turn it, or push it up, and say "that ought to do it."
Unfortunately, I've also had patrons complain to me that it was too hot or cold, and could I please do something about that, while working a show at an outdoor venue.
At that point, there is no other response than -- "Yeah, the ac/heater's busted. We've been working on it all day, but we had to stop to put on the show."
Tangentially, I have decided that the sound mixer's mantra is:
"I can only make them heard. I can't actually make them not suck."
Anything with "report". Nothing good can ever surround that word. "Process" is also a bad word (when grouped with other CorporateSpeak words).
But indeed, people working in tourist attractions usually have the most baffling questions...
"How do you get the flags to point in the same direction?"
Bryce would often reply:
"Magnets."
LOL! Priceless! Some people are so dumb that they won´t recognize the laws of physics if they bit their behinds. Like Einstein said: "Two things are limitless: The Universe and human stupidity. I´m not quite sure about the universe, however."
Stefan
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"Do you work here?"Just say "No."
:D
I love wearing a red shirt to Target just to sow discord.
Anarchy!!!
I once had an old lady mistake me for an employee when I was shopping at a Meijer.
I was wearing shorts, sandals, and a hawaiian shirt.
I had a cart full of grocerys.
I was talking on my cell phone.
She came right up to me and started asking me questions about prices and where things were.
I had to tell my friend on the other end of the phone to hold on while I explained to the woman that I didn't work there. At first, I just stared at her. I was like, does she seriously think I work here?
Then I told her, I had to interrupt her constant stream of questions, and she just looked at me and said, "Oh."
Then she just walked away.
I once had an old lady mistake me for an employee when I was shopping at a Meijer.
It's something about demeanor...I have a friend who is often mistaken as "working here" in stores, while that never happens to me...on the other hand I get people asking for directions in the street all the time.
And another friend of mine should work for DEA or something, he apparently looks like a potential junkie or for some other reason is preferred target of drug dealers...
Most annoying thing to hear at 11:45 on a Friday (I have half day Fridays)
“Do you have anything important going on this afternoon?”
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Tangentially, I have decided that the sound mixer's mantra is:
"I can only make them heard. I can't actually make them not suck."
I've worked the sound at a couple of local talent shows, and can sympathize. I remember one time, this lady managed to drop her music CD into the friggin' junction box (we is lo-tek). She had apparently thought it was the CD player, and wanted to save time. I can't imagine how she'd confuse a three-foot-tall metal box with about twenty cables coming out of it for a CD player, but we got it out. It took half an hour. After we got it out, she replied thus:
"Thanks, but I really don't need it."
I almost throttled her. My friend Paul made some remark about her not being supposed to be out of the water for as long as she had. We went back to working the audio board. End of friggin' story.
"I need that last minute project done by (insert outrageous deadline)",
which is inevitably followed by:
"How did you get those figures? We need you to document them."
which is inevitably followed by:
"You said you would finish X and Y today. Aren't they done?"
as if I hadn't just spent the day working on someone else's stupid idea of a rush project.
Generally the next day is spent correcting the rush reports to account for information they didn't give us the first time (e.g.: "Those figures were only supposed to include US citizens, not foreign nationals.")
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Director of Sales
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Tangentially, I have decided that the sound mixer's mantra is:
"I can only make them heard. I can't actually make them not suck."
That reminds me of that Far Side. :D
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That reminds me of that Far Side. :DTangentially, I have decided that the sound mixer's mantra is:
"I can only make them heard. I can't actually make them not suck."
Yes, yes it does.
It has always amazed me how often Far Side rings true to life.
And, oh yeah, this is still the funniest current thread on the Paizo boards.
"This needs to be actioned"
"We need to move forward on this"
Ugh.