Most Annoying Office Comments / Lines


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"Wow. That's really powerful. What kind of lift do you think it will give us?"

I'm not a crane operator. I work in marketing.

Liberty's Edge

Guppy Keelhaul wrote:

"Wow. That's really powerful. What kind of lift do you think it will give us?"

I'm not a crane operator. I work in marketing.

What are they asking about?

The Exchange

I would have gone for:

"What the hell are you doin naked on the photocopier?"


The Eldritch Mr. Shiny wrote:

What are they asking about?

Oh, its just stupid jargon in reference to marketing materials or promotions and what our ROI expectations are. My new boss is a good guy, but he looooves the jargon speak. At least he has a good sense of humor about it.....mostly.


Cosmo wrote:

This isn't so much an office comment, but...

When I was in high school, I worked at a movie theater. Movie theaters are open on holidays. Every time I got stuck working on Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc., I would get at least one customer who would say:

"Wow... it sucks that you have to work on the holiday"

Well... I wouldn't if people such as yourself didn't go to the movies on holidays.

Yes, I do now attend movies on holidays. But I do not say that to the poor schlubs to have to work.

Sometimes they get Jehovah Witnesses (who don't celebrate any holiday) to work at convenience stores etc. on holidays.

Pretty good deal for the Witness as they sometimes get payed double.

Scarab Sages

I really dislike when in a meeting someone says, "Let's take that offline." When they want to say, "Let's talk about that after the meeting."
F'ing retarded...


"Who ate my sandwich?"
I did.

"Who drank my orange juice?"
I did.

"Who clogged the toilet?"
Judy.

Fire. Except no substitute.


Ever heard: "To face the challenges ahead of us, we will have to learn to do more with less"

That is the corporate mantra of my company, usually meaning: "were are expecting that you will be able to produce 20% more job with less budget"

I just graduated and I really hope that I won't be the guy saying that someday...

Cheers !


(rolls through)


runs through thread in an attempt to increase his post count


I worked in a shelter for adults with serious mental illnesses. You had to document client behavior throughout the day, but you have to be careful how you phrase things that are outside of your area of documentable expertise. If you're not a psychiatrist you are not qualified to say that so-and-so is hearing voices ('internal stimuli'). You have to phrase it as, 'so-and-so appeared to be responding to internal stimuli'. You can see that he's standing in a room by himself holding up one end of a conversation, sure, but unless you are a psychiatrist you do not, for purposes of legal liability, know that the other side of the conversation is occurring in his head. This extends to all sorts of things.

'Client appeared to be excited'.
Are you a psychiatrist? He could be perfectly calm and just faking it.

'Client appeared to be hallucinating'.
Who are you to say that there aren't invisible nazis on the roof making him sterile with rayguns? Are you a psychiatrist?

'Client appeared to be displaying attention-seeking behavior'.
Are you a psychiatrist? Maybe he just thought other people would be interested in seeing his genitals half-submerged in a turkey pot pie?

So after awhile you turn into a smartass and begin to apply this to inappropriate things at inappropriate times, eaning points in the respect department for how inappropriately calm you can be while doing so.

Person A:'The garage is on fire!!'

Person B:'Are you a firefighter?'

*pause*

Person A:'The garage appears to be on fire!'

...and so on.


PulpCruciFiction wrote:
4. "Yeeeah, I'm going to have to ask you to go ahead and come in on Saturday, mmkay? That'd be greeat."

Funny that you should mention that...

By the way, did you get the memo?


From my painful days as an insurance claims adjuster:

"Is this going to affect my rates?"

Let's see. You let your estranged husband who has four prior DWIs take your car for a spin. Surprise, surprise he gets tanked up, hits the road and kills a pedestrian!

Now, I was not an underwriter but I have a hunch her policy was cancelled after this.


33. "Your position has been terminated."


Adventure Path Charter Subscriber

"f.y.i."

ugh. :-/

Liberty's Edge

Paizo Charter Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber

I hate un-constructive criticism at the office... it really pisses me off..

Being getting this line a lot..

"If you are sure you are happy with that work, go ahead and turn it in..."

Dude... if it isn't what you want tell me!!!!


Dragnmoon wrote:

I hate un-constructive criticism at the office... it really pisses me off..

Being getting this line a lot..

"If you are sure you are happy with that work, go ahead and turn it in..."

Dude... if it isn't what you want tell me!!!!

Sounds like >Passive Agressive< behavior to me. You'll have to study up on how to defend against it aka. work Kung Fu !

lol


34. "How long will that take?"

answer: "You'll get it when I'm f&$*ing done."

sometimes leads to #33... so have multiple jobs as backups.


Tensor wrote:
Dragnmoon wrote:

I hate un-constructive criticism at the office... it really pisses me off..

Being getting this line a lot..

"If you are sure you are happy with that work, go ahead and turn it in..."

Dude... if it isn't what you want tell me!!!!

Sounds like >Passive Agressive< behavior to me. You'll have to study up on how to defend against it aka. work Kung Fu !

lol

Didn't you pay attention to Sothmektri? It appears to be passive aggressive behavior.


MultiClassClown wrote:
Didn't you pay attention to Sothmektri? It appears to be passive aggressive behavior.

I didn't say it "was", only that it "sounded like." I think I need a lawyer.

Also, I would quit any job like that immediately, and then sue them for work place harassment.


35. "This is a priority."

That's fine if you come to me with five things that need to get done and tell me that number 3 is a priority and needs to get done first. But when you say it about every assignment given to me its a rather useless statement, doesn't it?

Let's see, the things I need to get done today, in order of importance are:

1. Everything.

2. ...


Ok folks heres some of the better ones I got while working on a hog farm in the farrowing operation. Warning not for the squemish!

1. Whats that smell
a. Smells like money to me.

2. what do you do on the hog farm.
a. I take the pigs from there mother, make sure no dead ones are still inside the sow(thats right fellas I have to put my forearm all the way in), cleanup any that the mother half ate(sows will kill some of their young to get back nutrients or they may just roll on some and crush them), redistribute the litter sizes so that every sow has about the same number. Then when they are about 15 to 20lbs you round them all up clip the needle teeth(tusks),cut off the tails and castrate the males.
After that they stop asking me about my job.

Now that I am a PC tech working in an office enviroment my job description is alot less colorful.

One of my favorite questions is "well it works fine at home why can't I do so and so"
A. Because here we have a firewall and security protocals that stop you from infecting our enviroment with spyware,malware,trojans and etc.

The Exchange

YeuxAndI wrote:

I work in a historic house built in 1845 and restored to look like it did in Antebellum St. Louis.

From adults I get, "Where's the bathroom?" "Is there an elevator?" "Can I touch it?"

I tell them the house is haunted by the spirit of murdered prostitutes. That shuts them up.

Youx have won the thread.

Dark Archive

My personal favorite is "I'm not a supervisor, I'm a facilitator."


David Fryer wrote:
My personal favorite is "I'm not a supervisor, I'm a facilitator."

To which you think, but don't respond verbally, "No, you'ree a middle management suckup".

Liberty's Edge RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16

Q. "Where is [such and such product you owe me]?"
A. If it was up your ass kicking field goals you'd know where it was and if it was in your mouth you couldn't ask me about it. I haven't done it yet because I had to do all that other stuff your boss's boss requires me to do first.

Liberty's Edge

Pathfinder Battles Case Subscriber

From an email I recently received:

"Cover the W's and the H while hooking into our strategic alignment intents."

and

"A recent uptick of poorly written photo releases across the Coast Guard has once again bought (sic) this topic into focus."

I get stuff like this all the time. Working for the government only compounds the triteness of the office environment. Add a guest room to hell, furnish it with cheap desks and chairs built by prison inmates, wallpaper it in red tape emblazoned with long strings of cryptic acronyms and bolt a speaker to the wall that fills the air with the incessant buzzing of the b@st@rd offspring of officespeak and military jargon and you've got the Chinese diyu for journalists. If Virgil had led Dante through this region of the Abyss, The Divine Comedy would have been written in all caps with all negative and sensitive references to hell and its residents removed or obscured by large black rectangles and no artwork would have accompanied any volume of the work due to concerns it may influence any future legal action or compromise the security of hell.

Liberty's Edge RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16

Velcro Zipper wrote:
cryptic acronyms

No kidding. I can write an order that any soldier could understand using nothing but acronyms and numbers. The real challenge is how long and specific you can make it using nothing except numbers and acronyms.

sample acronym order:
NLT 0900 1PLT SP A CO AA IOT SBF OBJ C ISO B CO ASLT.

No later than 9:00 am depart (Start Position) Alpha Company assembly area in order to support by fire Objective Charlie in support of Bravo Company's assault.


Charlie Bell wrote:
Velcro Zipper wrote:
cryptic acronyms

No kidding. I can write an order that any soldier could understand using nothing but acronyms and numbers. The real challenge is how long and specific you can make it using nothing except numbers and acronyms.

** spoiler omitted **

LOL! How true!

Liberty's Edge

Can't you just (makes a motion like casting a spell) make it happen?

Sovereign Court

"Think outside the box" is definitely the list topper.

And any sentence that has more acronyms rather than words.

Liberty's Edge

Pathfinder Battles Case Subscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Charter Superscriber

I heard that one at work:
Co-worker 1: "They're just trying to think outside the box."
Co-worker 2: "Yeah, but their box is reality!"

Charlie Bell: I love military messaging. I could read that one (mostly), and it made sense. Damn, they've finally got to my brain.


I see you're working on another project. Let me give you more opportunities to shine. I'm sure this would be good training for your multi-tasking skills.

Silver Crusade

[on the voip or radio after hearing a reply] are our comms up?
Your talking to me right now. Now eff off.

what do we do about.. ::INSERT dubious question way outside my field::
followed by
why do you not care to speculate on or directly answer question pertaining to ::INSERT dubious question way outside my field::
People die this way, sir. No really, historically speaking many deaths can be attributed to very problematic habit of not seeking proper expertise. I appreciate the confidence sir, but I am not qualled to answer your questions regarding the destructive capacity of three buried 120mm rounds.
I can tell you what we should do sir, not what it will do.

Why cant you fix this? Its electronic.
That would be because you saw smoke coming out of it and dunked it in the drinking water, you effing apology from the condom factory.

Dark Archive

I once overheard this while waiting for a management meeting to finish up so I could set up for a safety committee meeting. "We need to harness the synergistic effect of in the box thinking to achieve our goals. Out of the box thinking has proven to be too risky."

Liberty's Edge

Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber

My favourite from a manager who seemed to speak in nothing but manager speak: We need to reinitialise the IPL.

After baffling half a dozen experienced consultants and programmers with this, he showed what he meant.

Spoiler:
And turned the printer off and then on again to clear it.


Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Companion, Lost Omens, Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber
Draconic Mage wrote:

I heard that one at work:

Co-worker 1: "They're just trying to think outside the box."
Co-worker 2: "Yeah, but their box is reality!"

yeah I got a dirty look for something like that last week.

Manager : You need to think outside the box
Me: Isn't thinking outside the box, an inside the box idea?

I personally hate.....

False mission statements

Offices smeared with inspirational posters boiling with employees that suck the life out of every molecule of hope and well being

Terms such as TNTF = which in the tire business means.... Too New To Fire. Unfortunately the buffer only lasts a couple weeks before you are SOL.

We've got to focus!

Get back to the basics!

Mandatory conference calls for salaried managers that run a half hour after the shift ends where the district manager screeches about employees reading a magazine on the clock, labeling them as time thieving miscreants.

we're rolling out this pay plan to be more competitive......

oh and how can I forget my company's unofficial motto.... It is what it is ------ which basically means, I am too stupid to understand the underlying causes of the problem, nor do I want to direct my energy at solving the problem. Stop bothering me or I will fire you and replace you with another employee like a dimwit hammering a square block into a round hole at an IQ test.


Steven Tindall wrote:


1. Whats that smell
a. Smells like money to me.

The same thing is said in the Roofing business about the smell of hot asphalt.


Paul Watson wrote:

My favourite from a manager who seemed to speak in nothing but manager speak: We need to reinitialise the IPL.

After baffling half a dozen experienced consultants and programmers with this, he showed what he meant.

** spoiler omitted **

"Reinitialize the IPL" NSFW (language)

Liberty's Edge

Now Im not sure how companies are supposed to come up with their employee performance evaluations but after working in a variety of office positions over 25 years I have empirically come up with the process that actually gets used:

1) some Dickward accountant comes up with some metric that has absolutely no relevance to the operations of the business
2) Said Metric is passed on to middle management who have come from outside this company and have no clue about what the business is actually doing and what its goals are in regards to their customer base.
3) This metric is applied by this no clue management against extremely overworked and under paid staff who are trying to keep customers' expectations within realistic (ie non sales speak) limits.
4) Metric fails utterly because it does not take into account the businesses stated goals, the workers efforts or the customers true satisfaction. Workers get cautioned or told they must improve regardless of successes
5) Staff get told that the current financial difficulties will require pay cuts or extra unpaided work 'until things settle down'
6) Managment and accounting allocate a flat 15% increase to their own salaries as a performance bonus even though they have done nothing to further the goals of the company.

See easy

Liberty's Edge

Nikolaus Athas wrote:

Now Im not sure how companies are supposed to come up with their employee performance evaluations but after working in a variety of office positions over 25 years I have empirically come up with the process that actually gets used:

1) some Dickward accountant comes up with some metric that has absolutely no relevance to the operations of the business
2) Said Metric is passed on to middle management who have come from outside this company and have no clue about what the business is actually doing and what its goals are in regards to their customer base.
3) This metric is applied by this no clue management against extremely overworked and under paid staff who are trying to keep customers' expectations within realistic (ie non sales speak) limits.
4) Metric fails utterly because it does not take into account the businesses stated goals, the workers efforts or the customers true satisfaction. Workers get cautioned or told they must improve regardless of successes
5) Staff get told that the current financial difficulties will require pay cuts or extra unpaided work 'until things settle down'
6) Managment and accounting allocate a flat 15% increase to their own salaries as a performance bonus even though they have done nothing to further the goals of the company.

See easy

Please, statistic gods; let the error created by the limited sample size be in our favor this quarter. Not too much though; I don't want to have to try to improve on an allready impossibly high customer satisfaction number.


Nikolaus Athas wrote:

Now Im not sure how companies are supposed to come up with their employee performance evaluations but after working in a variety of office positions over 25 years I have empirically come up with the process that actually gets used:

1) some Dickward accountant comes up with some metric that has absolutely no relevance to the operations of the business
2) Said Metric is passed on to middle management who have come from outside this company and have no clue about what the business is actually doing and what its goals are in regards to their customer base.
3) This metric is applied by this no clue management against extremely overworked and under paid staff who are trying to keep customers' expectations within realistic (ie non sales speak) limits.
4) Metric fails utterly because it does not take into account the businesses stated goals, the workers efforts or the customers true satisfaction. Workers get cautioned or told they must improve regardless of successes
5) Staff get told that the current financial difficulties will require pay cuts or extra unpaided work 'until things settle down'
6) Managment and accounting allocate a flat 15% increase to their own salaries as a performance bonus even though they have done nothing to further the goals of the company.

See easy

Wait, you forgot the step where each employee has to write up their own yearly performance so the pointy-haired ones can critique the employee's self-review... ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!

Liberty's Edge

Damn Ambrosia - you are absolutely correct!!

Liberty's Edge

samerandomhero wrote:

[on the voip or radio after hearing a reply] are our comms up?

Your talking to me right now. Now eff off.

Jayne - [over radio] "Testing. Testing, Cap'n, can you hear me?"

Mal - "I'm standing right here."
Jayne - "You're coming through good and loud."
Mal - "'Cause I'm standing right here."


38. "Can you spare a moment?"

Um... NO! If I could, I wouldn't be doing my job. I'm getting paid here lady.


Ambrosia Slaad wrote:
Paul Watson wrote:

My favourite from a manager who seemed to speak in nothing but manager speak: We need to reinitialise the IPL.

After baffling half a dozen experienced consultants and programmers with this, he showed what he meant.

** spoiler omitted **

"Reinitialize the IPL" NSFW (language)

LMFAO!! FTW!!


"i got 2 speeds and if you don't like this one you sure as hell ain't gonna like the other one"

"what's the worst thing that can happen?"


Blood stained Sunday's best wrote:
Draconic Mage wrote:

I heard that one at work:

Co-worker 1: "They're just trying to think outside the box."
Co-worker 2: "Yeah, but their box is reality!"

yeah I got a dirty look for something like that last week.

Manager : You need to think outside the box
Me: Isn't thinking outside the box, an inside the box idea?

My dad as a patrolman and his partner vs. a crappy sgt who later got fired for being a big damn drunk. Small town dept with maybe a bit more leeway with smartmouths, plus the sgt's well-known impending career doom:

Sgt: 'Well... why the hell didn't you two (fill in the blank with pertinent info he didn't share with anyone because he was secretly hammered)?'

Dad: 'Were we supposed to read your mind, sarge?'

Sgt: 'What?!?'

Dad's partner, under his breath: 'I could never really get into short fiction...'

Sgt: 'Hey, I f'ing heard that!!!'
============================================================
Random other story of his: This was a recently-off-training-probation copin the early 80s, forgetting his codes and various other things all the time, calling in a 'pursuit':

Officer Doofus: 'This is 3 Paul 7, I'm in hot pursuit! I'm at (location and direction)!!!'

Dispatch:'Copy that, 3 Paul 7, can you describe the vehicle?'

*pause*

Doofus: 'Hang on, he's behind me...'

*pause*

Doofus: 'Okay, it's a white Berlinetta, maybe an 83!'

Dispatch: 'Can you see the tag numbers?'

Doofus: Um....it's... um.... looks like Mary-King-Kong-two-seven-niner!'

Liberty's Edge RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16

Heathansson wrote:
Please, statistic gods; let the error created by the limited sample size be in our favor this quarter. Not too much though; I don't want to have to try to improve on an allready impossibly high customer satisfaction number.

My dad had to deal with that every year when Tyco bought the company in which he was a branch manager. They paid bonuses not based on profitability, but on improvement. Since he was consistently #1, every manager who was less profitable than him got a bigger bonus. Except, of course, Dennis Kozlowski, who bought his wife a $2M birthday party on the company dime.

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