"Wow. That's really powerful. What kind of lift do you think it will give us?"
I'm not a crane operator. I work in marketing.
What are they asking about?
Oh, its just stupid jargon in reference to marketing materials or promotions and what our ROI expectations are. My new boss is a good guy, but he looooves the jargon speak. At least he has a good sense of humor about it.....mostly.
This isn't so much an office comment, but...
When I was in high school, I worked at a movie theater. Movie theaters are open on holidays. Every time I got stuck working on Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc., I would get at least one customer who would say:
"Wow... it sucks that you have to work on the holiday"
Well... I wouldn't if people such as yourself didn't go to the movies on holidays.
Sometimes they get Jehovah Witnesses (who don't celebrate any holiday) to work at convenience stores etc. on holidays.
Pretty good deal for the Witness as they sometimes get payed double.
"Who ate my sandwich?"
I did.
"Who drank my orange juice?"
I did.
"Who clogged the toilet?"
Judy.
Fire. Except no substitute.
Ever heard: "To face the challenges ahead of us, we will have to learn to do more with less"
That is the corporate mantra of my company, usually meaning: "were are expecting that you will be able to produce 20% more job with less budget"
I just graduated and I really hope that I won't be the guy saying that someday...
Cheers !
(rolls through)
runs through thread in an attempt to increase his post count
33. "Your position has been terminated."
"f.y.i."
ugh. :-/
I hate un-constructive criticism at the office... it really pisses me off..
Being getting this line a lot..
"If you are sure you are happy with that work, go ahead and turn it in..."
Dude... if it isn't what you want tell me!!!!
Sounds like >Passive Agressive< behavior to me. You'll have to study up on how to defend against it aka. work Kung Fu !
lol
34. "How long will that take?"
answer: "You'll get it when I'm f$+!ing done."
sometimes leads to #33... so have multiple jobs as backups.
I hate un-constructive criticism at the office... it really pisses me off..
Being getting this line a lot..
"If you are sure you are happy with that work, go ahead and turn it in..."
Dude... if it isn't what you want tell me!!!!
Sounds like >Passive Agressive< behavior to me. You'll have to study up on how to defend against it aka. work Kung Fu !
lol
Didn't you pay attention to Sothmektri? It appears to be passive aggressive behavior.
Didn't you pay attention to Sothmektri? It appears to be passive aggressive behavior.
I didn't say it "was", only that it "sounded like." I think I need a lawyer.
Also, I would quit any job like that immediately, and then sue them for work place harassment.
35. "This is a priority."
That's fine if you come to me with five things that need to get done and tell me that number 3 is a priority and needs to get done first. But when you say it about every assignment given to me its a rather useless statement, doesn't it?
Let's see, the things I need to get done today, in order of importance are:
1. Everything.
2. ...
Ok folks heres some of the better ones I got while working on a hog farm in the farrowing operation. Warning not for the squemish!
1. Whats that smell
a. Smells like money to me.
2. what do you do on the hog farm.
a. I take the pigs from there mother, make sure no dead ones are still inside the sow(thats right fellas I have to put my forearm all the way in), cleanup any that the mother half ate(sows will kill some of their young to get back nutrients or they may just roll on some and crush them), redistribute the litter sizes so that every sow has about the same number. Then when they are about 15 to 20lbs you round them all up clip the needle teeth(tusks),cut off the tails and castrate the males.
After that they stop asking me about my job.
Now that I am a PC tech working in an office enviroment my job description is alot less colorful.
One of my favorite questions is "well it works fine at home why can't I do so and so"
A. Because here we have a firewall and security protocals that stop you from infecting our enviroment with spyware,malware,trojans and etc.
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I work in a historic house built in 1845 and restored to look like it did in Antebellum St. Louis.
From adults I get, "Where's the bathroom?" "Is there an elevator?" "Can I touch it?"
I tell them the house is haunted by the spirit of murdered prostitutes. That shuts them up.
Youx have won the thread.
My personal favorite is "I'm not a supervisor, I'm a facilitator."
To which you think, but don't respond verbally, "No, you'ree a middle management suckup".
RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16
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Q. "Where is [such and such product you owe me]?"
A. If it was up your ass kicking field goals you'd know where it was and if it was in your mouth you couldn't ask me about it. I haven't done it yet because I had to do all that other stuff your boss's boss requires me to do first.
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From an email I recently received:
"Cover the W's and the H while hooking into our strategic alignment intents."
and
"A recent uptick of poorly written photo releases across the Coast Guard has once again bought (sic) this topic into focus."
I get stuff like this all the time. Working for the government only compounds the triteness of the office environment. Add a guest room to hell, furnish it with cheap desks and chairs built by prison inmates, wallpaper it in red tape emblazoned with long strings of cryptic acronyms and bolt a speaker to the wall that fills the air with the incessant buzzing of the b@st@rd offspring of officespeak and military jargon and you've got the Chinese diyu for journalists. If Virgil had led Dante through this region of the Abyss, The Divine Comedy would have been written in all caps with all negative and sensitive references to hell and its residents removed or obscured by large black rectangles and no artwork would have accompanied any volume of the work due to concerns it may influence any future legal action or compromise the security of hell.
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RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16
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cryptic acronyms
No kidding. I can write an order that any soldier could understand using nothing but acronyms and numbers. The real challenge is how long and specific you can make it using nothing except numbers and acronyms.
No later than 9:00 am depart (Start Position) Alpha Company assembly area in order to support by fire Objective Charlie in support of Bravo Company's assault.
cryptic acronymsNo kidding. I can write an order that any soldier could understand using nothing but acronyms and numbers. The real challenge is how long and specific you can make it using nothing except numbers and acronyms.
** spoiler omitted **
LOL! How true!
I see you're working on another project. Let me give you more opportunities to shine. I'm sure this would be good training for your multi-tasking skills.
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[on the voip or radio after hearing a reply] are our comms up?
Your talking to me right now. Now eff off.
what do we do about.. ::INSERT dubious question way outside my field::
followed by
why do you not care to speculate on or directly answer question pertaining to ::INSERT dubious question way outside my field::
People die this way, sir. No really, historically speaking many deaths can be attributed to very problematic habit of not seeking proper expertise. I appreciate the confidence sir, but I am not qualled to answer your questions regarding the destructive capacity of three buried 120mm rounds.
I can tell you what we should do sir, not what it will do.
Why cant you fix this? Its electronic.
That would be because you saw smoke coming out of it and dunked it in the drinking water, you effing apology from the condom factory.
I heard that one at work:
Co-worker 1: "They're just trying to think outside the box."
Co-worker 2: "Yeah, but their box is reality!"
yeah I got a dirty look for something like that last week.
Manager : You need to think outside the box
Me: Isn't thinking outside the box, an inside the box idea?
I personally hate.....
False mission statements
Offices smeared with inspirational posters boiling with employees that suck the life out of every molecule of hope and well being
Terms such as TNTF = which in the tire business means.... Too New To Fire. Unfortunately the buffer only lasts a couple weeks before you are SOL.
We've got to focus!
Get back to the basics!
Mandatory conference calls for salaried managers that run a half hour after the shift ends where the district manager screeches about employees reading a magazine on the clock, labeling them as time thieving miscreants.
we're rolling out this pay plan to be more competitive......
oh and how can I forget my company's unofficial motto.... It is what it is ------ which basically means, I am too stupid to understand the underlying causes of the problem, nor do I want to direct my energy at solving the problem. Stop bothering me or I will fire you and replace you with another employee like a dimwit hammering a square block into a round hole at an IQ test.
1. Whats that smell
a. Smells like money to me.
The same thing is said in the Roofing business about the smell of hot asphalt.
My favourite from a manager who seemed to speak in nothing but manager speak: We need to reinitialise the IPL.
After baffling half a dozen experienced consultants and programmers with this, he showed what he meant.
** spoiler omitted **
"Reinitialize the IPL" NSFW (language)
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Now Im not sure how companies are supposed to come up with their employee performance evaluations but after working in a variety of office positions over 25 years I have empirically come up with the process that actually gets used:
1) some Dickward accountant comes up with some metric that has absolutely no relevance to the operations of the business
2) Said Metric is passed on to middle management who have come from outside this company and have no clue about what the business is actually doing and what its goals are in regards to their customer base.
3) This metric is applied by this no clue management against extremely overworked and under paid staff who are trying to keep customers' expectations within realistic (ie non sales speak) limits.
4) Metric fails utterly because it does not take into account the businesses stated goals, the workers efforts or the customers true satisfaction. Workers get cautioned or told they must improve regardless of successes
5) Staff get told that the current financial difficulties will require pay cuts or extra unpaided work 'until things settle down'
6) Managment and accounting allocate a flat 15% increase to their own salaries as a performance bonus even though they have done nothing to further the goals of the company.
See easy
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Now Im not sure how companies are supposed to come up with their employee performance evaluations but after working in a variety of office positions over 25 years I have empirically come up with the process that actually gets used:
1) some Dickward accountant comes up with some metric that has absolutely no relevance to the operations of the business
2) Said Metric is passed on to middle management who have come from outside this company and have no clue about what the business is actually doing and what its goals are in regards to their customer base.
3) This metric is applied by this no clue management against extremely overworked and under paid staff who are trying to keep customers' expectations within realistic (ie non sales speak) limits.
4) Metric fails utterly because it does not take into account the businesses stated goals, the workers efforts or the customers true satisfaction. Workers get cautioned or told they must improve regardless of successes
5) Staff get told that the current financial difficulties will require pay cuts or extra unpaided work 'until things settle down'
6) Managment and accounting allocate a flat 15% increase to their own salaries as a performance bonus even though they have done nothing to further the goals of the company.See easy
Please, statistic gods; let the error created by the limited sample size be in our favor this quarter. Not too much though; I don't want to have to try to improve on an allready impossibly high customer satisfaction number.
Now Im not sure how companies are supposed to come up with their employee performance evaluations but after working in a variety of office positions over 25 years I have empirically come up with the process that actually gets used:
1) some Dickward accountant comes up with some metric that has absolutely no relevance to the operations of the business
2) Said Metric is passed on to middle management who have come from outside this company and have no clue about what the business is actually doing and what its goals are in regards to their customer base.
3) This metric is applied by this no clue management against extremely overworked and under paid staff who are trying to keep customers' expectations within realistic (ie non sales speak) limits.
4) Metric fails utterly because it does not take into account the businesses stated goals, the workers efforts or the customers true satisfaction. Workers get cautioned or told they must improve regardless of successes
5) Staff get told that the current financial difficulties will require pay cuts or extra unpaided work 'until things settle down'
6) Managment and accounting allocate a flat 15% increase to their own salaries as a performance bonus even though they have done nothing to further the goals of the company.See easy
Wait, you forgot the step where each employee has to write up their own yearly performance so the pointy-haired ones can critique the employee's self-review... ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
38. "Can you spare a moment?"
Um... NO! If I could, I wouldn't be doing my job. I'm getting paid here lady.
"Reinitialize the IPL" NSFW (language)My favourite from a manager who seemed to speak in nothing but manager speak: We need to reinitialise the IPL.
After baffling half a dozen experienced consultants and programmers with this, he showed what he meant.
** spoiler omitted **
LMFAO!! FTW!!
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RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16
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Please, statistic gods; let the error created by the limited sample size be in our favor this quarter. Not too much though; I don't want to have to try to improve on an allready impossibly high customer satisfaction number.
My dad had to deal with that every year when Tyco bought the company in which he was a branch manager. They paid bonuses not based on profitability, but on improvement. Since he was consistently #1, every manager who was less profitable than him got a bigger bonus. Except, of course, Dennis Kozlowski, who bought his wife a $2M birthday party on the company dime.