I need a witty quote for when someone slaps you, any suggestions?
Really? You need this often enough you can premeditate a reply?
I think so Brain, but where are we going to find rubber pants our size?
I just grew back a finger--guess which one.
I think I just had an evilgasm.
That's no moon, that's a battle station.
Change is inevitable, growth is optional.
Not sure how I can work those into so many conversations, but I do.
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Context: College student walks into dorm lobby and wants to describe a "first" for her.
Student: "Guys, guess what happened to me today!"
"Guys": You saw a yellow submarine on your way to class?"
Student: (Not getting reference) "No, I had the 'Big O' for first time in the middle of math class."
"Guys": (Start dying from the implications)
It took us 10 minutes to get her to understand how that could be interpreted instead of her "confused but suddenly understand the equation 'oooooooooooooh' moment." She had a very sheltered upbringing.
She promptly spent the next 5 minutes hitting people...
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"The mind does not exist to determine the truth, but to rationalise its prejudices."
~Bertrand Russell
"Lose your fear, Take your place in the sun, Turn the world under your feet."
~My Father.
"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
~ Stephen Roberts
"Man is certainly stark mad: he cannot make a worm, yet he will make gods by the dozen."
~ Michel de Montaigne
All great truths begin as blasphemies.
~ George Bernard Shaw
Every war when it comes, or before it comes, is represented not as a war but as an act of self-defense against a homicidal maniac.
~ George Orwell
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
~ Bertrand Russell
You know your god is man-made when he hates all the same people you do.
~ [Usenet]
Men who believe absurdities will commit atrocities.
~ Voltaire
The nationalist not only does not disapprove of atrocities committed by his own side, but he has a remarkable capacity for not even hearing about them.
~ George Orwell
Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature.
~ Tom Robbins
Could a being create the fifty billion galaxies, each with two hundred billion stars, then rejoice in the smell of burning goat flesh?
~ Ron Patterson
Foreign aid is when the poor people of a rich country give money to the rich people of a poor country.
~ Gary Hart, BC Comic Strip
A personal favorite of mine:
"Three may keep a Secret, if two of them are dead." - Benjamin Franklin
No man but a blockhead ever wrote, except for money--Samuel Johnson
After mourning the recent death of my personal computer, I like this quote from cartoonist/animator Brad Neely as JFK: "Man is still the most extraordinary computer of all. Women are even cooler."
When playing through Tammeraut's Fate by Greg Vaughan, my players failed to secure the civillians in the crawlspace during the Drowned One assault. Upon hearing the screams of two dying NPCs, Karak the Kenku said: "Hey, if they're screaming, that means they're alive! Oh, wait...they stopped."
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"If you're gonna f!#&ing graffiti something, graffiti a cop. At least that's creative. 'Hey, pig, stand still"..."
- Henry Rollins
"Everyone says that Jerusalem has a really wild vibe. Like *WHOAH*. I just say, oh, here's a crystal, hug a tree, kick a hackysack and dip yourself in patchouli. But then I get there, and the vibe is F~!$IN' WILD, man!"
"Here in the states, you're on a four hundred-year timeline, and a place where Jimi Hendrix played just BLOWS. YOUR. MIND. Yeah. Yeah, like someone tells you that you're playing on the same stage where Zeppelin played for 400 college students in 1969, and you're like *WHOAH*. In Jerusalem, my guide, Michael, is like, 'Hey, see that hill over there? That's the last place Jesus was seen walking.' And I'm like And I tell you, that is not a good thing to say while you're in Jerusalem. There are old people in, like, mini-vans, coming to see the holy city before they die, college students, pilgrims. And what do they see? They see a short guy with a thick neck and tattoos yelling 'f%##'."
-Henry Rollins
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No longer svelte, they gotta punch new holes in the Bible Belt.
They've blown out the fire under the melting pot,
The red blood of America is starting to clot.
No compromise, no sight through others' eyes,
They're just flies spreading pieces of s!+#.
They gotta emigrate, stop living in it.
What makes this country great is dwelling on either side.
They don't want visitors in Jesusland,
They want life canned and bland in the fatherland.
No longer svelte, they gotta punch new holes in the Bible Belt.
- Fat Mike, NOFX, "Leaving Jesusland"
"We are professionals, we take our jobs seriously, and we never, ever make mistakes. ... How do you turn this f*%*ing camera off..."
- Nathan Fillion
Isn't that from the Firefly "Behind the Scenes" footage?
- Chris Shadowens
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- Chris Shadowens
"You just shot an unarmed man!"
"He shoulda armed himself."
-Clint Eastwood to a bystander, Unforgiven
"YOU. SHALL NOT. PASS!"
-Gandalf, Fellowship of the Ring
"When you look back on your life twenty years from now, don't you want to say you got in the car?"
-Spike Witwicky, Transformers
Alas, I am not well-versed in the words of great men, for they inevitably bore me.
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"You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I grab and beat you with so you know who's in ruttin' command here!"
- Jayne Cobb
"If you're not turned on to politics, politics will turn on you."
- Ralph Nader
"I should kill you for that. But I won't, because normally, you're a hell of a nice guy."
- Kat Major
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"Boards don't hit back."
Bruce Lee
"The great thing about being the only species that makes a distinction between right and wrong is that we can make up the rules for ourselves as we go along."
Douglas Adams
"I know men and I tell you that Jesus Christ is no mere man. Between him and every other person in the world there is no possible term of comparison. Alexander, Caesar, Charlemagne, and I, founded empires. But on what did we rest the creations of our genius? Upon force. Jesus Christ founded His empire upon love; and at this hour millions of people would die for Him."
Napoleon Bonaparte
and the best for last:
"Listen! (pause)Do you smell something?"
Dr. Raymond Stantz(Ghostbuster)
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Old angry guy ranting never sounded so good. I wish I could be like you, Henry.
EDIT: Best Henry Rollins clip ever.
Old angry guy ranting never sounded so good. I wish I could be like you, Henry.
EDIT: Best Henry Rollins clip ever.
I have that clip on the Talk Is Cheap spoken word cd, but I didn't get the first part about the crash helmet! So much better in video.
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I have that clip on the Talk Is Cheap spoken word cd, but I didn't get the first part about the crash helmet! So much better in video.Old angry guy ranting never sounded so good. I wish I could be like you, Henry.
EDIT: Best Henry Rollins clip ever.
I don't actually have any of his CDs, and I desperately need to find some. Supposedly, Daigle is mailing me a couple, but considering the speed of mail, it will take a while for them to get to New York from Texas.
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Pomade Vendor: I can get the part from Bristol. It'll take two weeks, here's your pomade.
Ulysses Everett McGill: Two weeks? That don't do me no good.
Pomade Vendor: Nearest Ford auto man's Bristol.
Ulysses Everett McGill: Hold on, I don't want this pomade. I want Dapper Dan.
Pomade Vendor: I don't carry Dapper Dan, I carry Fop.
Ulysses Everett McGill: Well, I don't want Fop, g+%*!$n it! I'm a Dapper Dan man!
Pomade Vendor: Watch your language, young feller, this is a public market. Now if you want Dapper Dan, I can order it for you, have it in a couple of weeks.
Ulysses Everett McGill: Well, ain't this place a geographical oddity. Two weeks from everywhere!
NO. NO. Its not possible. I can't be the first person to put one of, if not the, best quote ever on this list.
"I have come to chew bubblegum and kick a$$...and I am all out of bubblegum." -- John Nada, They Live.
Another favorite:
"If this be madness, I've neither need nor want of sanity." -- Unknown (Has anyone heard this one before?)
For Mr. Shiny.
"We're the generation that's harder core than our parents and the generation that will be harder core than our kids. Your kid comes home at fifteen with some weak techno s!#@.
'Hey, check out what I just bought at the store! Eeen-ee-ee-ee-eee-eh-eh-eh Hoot Hoot Hoot! Eeen-ee-ee-eee-eh-eh-eeen-ee-ee..'
You take the cd out of the player, stick it up your kid's ass, "YOU PUSSY!!"
Confessions of a young kid: "And then (sob), he made me listen to Danzig (sob) and Black Sabbath (sob) and Slayer really loud (sniff) and then we went in his car and we ran over s&*~ all night and then he put me back in my room and he said (huff sob sniff),"Now that's PARTYING, you little prick!"
My parents were so insensitive when I tried to show them my poetry (sniff) they pulled out these horrible insensitive books by this Henry Rollins guy and they said (sob),"Here's some s+@# you little prick, read this." I can't take it anymoooorre!"
-Hank Rollins, A Rollins in the Wry
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For Mr. Shiny.
"We're the generation that's harder core than our parents and the generation that will be harder core than our kids. Your kid comes home at fifteen with some weak techno s~~%.
'Hey, check out what I just bought at the store! Eeen-ee-ee-ee-eee-eh-eh-eh Hoot Hoot Hoot! Eeen-ee-ee-eee-eh-eh-eeen-ee-ee..'
You take the cd out of the player, stick it up your kid's ass, "YOU PUSSY!!"Confessions of a young kid: "And then (sob), he made me listen to Danzig (sob) and Black Sabbath (sob) and Slayer really loud (sniff) and then we went in his car and we ran over s~~% all night and then he put me back in my room and he said (huff sob sniff),"Now that's PARTYING, you little prick!"
My parents were so insensitive when I tried to show them my poetry (sniff) they pulled out these horrible insensitive books by this Henry Rollins guy and they said (sob),"Here's some s~~% you little prick, read this." I can't take it anymoooorre!"
-Hank Rollins, A Rollins in the Wry
I've got that track on my computer. Nice.
Said by Trinidad Colorado's Mayor while talking to the school board
"I'm not here as your Mayor. I would never use my position to get anything done."
This is the Mayor speaking. I hate Trinidad.
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I just watched "Boondock Saints".
"Don't cross the road if you can't get out of the kitchen."
"People in glass houses sink ships."
"A penny saved is worth two in the bush."
"Make like a tree, and GET THE F%#* OUTTA HERE!"
"Chekov? This here's McCoy. Find Spock, and we've got an away team."
"Angels? They aren't angels. Angels don't kill."
"We're like 7-11. We're not always in business, but we're always open."
"For a few seconds, this place was armageddon. THERE WAS A FIREFIGHT..."
"My finger. It feels like it's still there!"
"Yeah, well, it's not."
"You can't write a better script. There were so many big plays on that drive."- Super Bowl XLII MVP Eli Manning
"It came down to one play and we made it." - Plaxico Burress XLII Super Bowl Champion
"Eli did an unbelievable job, I honestly don't know how he got out of it. And when the ball is in the air, you have to go get it. That's the job."
- David Tyree Super Bowl XLII Champion
"We shocked the world. But not ourselves." - Antonio Pierce Super Bowl XLII Champion
"SAMMICH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1"- Me
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"I don't need mind-altering substances. I AM a mind-altering substance."
"She thought I'd be moody. She mistakes the ability to type coherently for moodiness. I'm as moody as a gerbil on LSD."
"I am rapidly developing an allergic reaction to otaku and similar japanophiles."
"There's something wrong with the fact that I use one of my best friends as a benchmark for 'is this a dangerous item?' by asking myself if I'd ever want to see it in his hands."
"I just spent a couple of hours methodically hunting down and extracting every last salable item from a smallish dungeon a few miles from the Imperial city. At one point, I stashed all my personal gear on a dead bandit so I wouldn't accidentally sell anything I wanted to keep. I think this qualifies my character as an adventurer."
"If you ask me, football is just another bloodsport that they took the blood out of."
RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32
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Pomade Vendor: I can get the part from Bristol. It'll take two weeks, here's your pomade.
Ulysses Everett McGill: Two weeks? That don't do me no good.
Pomade Vendor: Nearest Ford auto man's Bristol.
Ulysses Everett McGill: Hold on, I don't want this pomade. I want Dapper Dan.
Pomade Vendor: I don't carry Dapper Dan, I carry Fop.
Ulysses Everett McGill: Well, I don't want Fop, g@$$!$n it! I'm a Dapper Dan man!
Pomade Vendor: Watch your language, young feller, this is a public market. Now if you want Dapper Dan, I can order it for you, have it in a couple of weeks.
Ulysses Everett McGill: Well, ain't this place a geographical oddity. Two weeks from everywhere!
Is this from "O Brother, Where Art Thou?"? I've been racking my brain and I'm pretty sure I got it. Please tell me I'm right so I can forget about it =)
Brother Where art Thou?
Yes
hehe I love these:
"Its hard to have a debate when you have to debate a bunch of morons."
Judy Baar Topinka, Illinois Rep Gubernatorial candidate, she appologized later, but I still love it.
"We are cleaning up Congress the way teenagers clean up their bedrooms, and the result will be the same mess." Rep. Brian Baird on the weakness of Congressional lobbying reform bill.
"Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool." Thomas Pfeffer of the American Heart Association.
"I may go down in history as the guy who killed Pluto." Michael Brown, the scientist who helped develop the guidelines that made Pluto a dwarf planet.
"Unlike other candidates, I am not going to hide my evil side." Jonathan "the impaler" Sharkey; candidate for Minnesota governor and former pro wrestler, heeh he planned to impale terrorists.
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FUTURAMA stuff:
Al Gore: "As I discuss in my book Earth in the Balance, and the more popular Harry Potter and the Balance of the Earth, we need to protect ourselves against the greenhouse effect and dark wizards."
"I am the man with no name, Zapp Brannigan!"
"Oh no room for Bender, huh? Fine! I'll go build my own lunar lander! With blackjack! And hookers! Actually, forget the lunar lander and the blackjack! Oh just screw the whole thing."
"I have known gods. He who denies them is as blind as he who trusts them too deeply. I seek not beyond death. It may be the blackness averred by Nemedian skeptics, or Crom’s realm of ice and cloud, or the snowy plains of and vaulted halls of the Nordheimer’s Valhalla. I know not, nor do I care. Let me live deep while I live; let me know the rich juices of red meat and stinging wine on my palate, the hot embrace of white arms, the mad exultation of battle when the blue blades flame and crimson, and I am content. Let teachers and priests and philosophers brood over questions of reality and illusion. I know this: if life is illusion, then I am no less an illusion, and being thus, the illusion is real to me. I live, I burn with life, I love, I slay, and am content."
– Conan of Cimmeria
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"People who say they had idyllic childhoods were obviously never children themselves."
- Bill Watterson
"If this is coffee, please bring me a cup of tea. If this is tea, please bring me a cup of coffee."
- Abraham Lincoln
"Seek Knowledge, even if it be in China"
- Muhammad
"Nothing exists save atoms and empty space. All else is opinion."
- Democritus of Abdera
"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch."
- Benjamin Franklin
"Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function."
- Garrison Keillor
"The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Fulton, they lauged at the Wright Brothers. They also laughed at Bozo the Clown."
- Carl Sagan
"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."
- Ambrose Bierce
"Every scientific truth goes through three stages. First, people say it conflicts with the Bible. Next, they say it had been discovered before. Lastly, they say they always believed it."
- Louis Agassiz
"My doctor told me that jogging could add ten years to my life. He was right. I feel ten years older already."
- Milton Berle
"At first, I was going to be the Grim Reaper, but then I lost the reaper, so now I'm a monk, only everyone thinks I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi."
- Rob Wilco
I heard a quote several years ago that I really liked, but I don't who said it. If you know, PLEASE let me know.
"This weapon is so terrible that it shall surely end all war."
The weapon is the crossbow.
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"I believe that one defines oneself by reinvention. To not be like your parents. To not be like your friends. To be yourself. To cut yourself out of stone."
"I don't believe in fate or destiny. I believe in various degrees of hatred, paranoia, and abandonment. However much of that gets heaped upon you doesn't matter - it's only a matter of how much you can take and what it does to you."
"I forged myself out of a vacuum. I crawl along the highway on hacked off stumps year after year. Some wonder how and why. I never do."
"I just get things done instead of talking about getting them done. I don't go out and party. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs and I'm not married, that leaves a lot of time for my work."
"I think about the meaning of pain. Pain is personal. It really belongs to the one feeling it. Probably the only thing that is your own. I like mine."
"It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew."
"Keep your blood clean, your body lean, and your mind sharp."
"Life will not break your heart. It'll crush it."
"Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better."
"My optimism wears heavy boots and is loud. Really loud."
"Nothing brings people together more then mutual hatred."
"Sometimes the truth hurts. And sometimes it feels real good."
"The blues is losing someone you love and not having enough money to immerse yourself in drink."
"There's no such thing as an ex-junkie."
"Why do you think the old stories tell of men who set out on great journeys to impress the gods? Because trying to impress people just isn't worth the time and effort."
- Henry Rollins
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"Anybody intelligent enough to realize what America is, is not going to sit around and do nothing about it. They're going to be the same way that I am. They're going to be the same way our fans are. They're going to be pissed."
"Find out what's really out there. I never said to be like me, I say be like you and make a difference."
"I think art is the only thing that's spiritual in the world. And I refuse to forced to believe in other people's interpretations of God. I don't think anybody should be. No one person can own the copyright to what God means."
"In the end we're all Jerry Springer Show guests, really, we just haven't been on the show."
"Is adult entertainment killing our children? or is killing our children entertaining our adults?"
"You can't find the truth, you just pick the lie you like the best."
"Music is the strongest form of magic."
"Part of me is afraid to get close to people because I'm afraid that they're going to leave."
"This is the culture you're raising your kids in. Don't be surprised if it blows up in your face."
"When all of your wishes are granted, many of your dreams will be destroyed."
"When you're taught to love everyone, to love your enemies, then what value does that place on love?"
- Brian Warner