| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
He's on an alternate prime talking to some author about his next book?
or, he's in hell?
?
He is currently competing on "Faerunian Idol" and has to shape up his act, after Simon declared that he looked like a librarian in those ratty old robes, and that his beard made him look like an Octegenarian Hell's Angel...
| 4 people marked this as a favorite. |
Too busy knocking boots with the seven sisters, thats why they cant handle it either.
|
Mystra was feelin' a bit randy and you don't wanna keep a goddess waiting.
He was too busy bangin' a new up and coming adventuress, cause everyone knows how the ladies like an unkempt man with a foot-long white beard who reaks of tobacco.....uummmm that's studly.
Try goin' out looking like Elminster and see how much tail you can pull.
FH
Director of Sales
|
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
He's reinstalling the OS on his crystal ball because he had upgrade the graphics engine to be able to install Windows Vista.
He has yet to divine that he'll still need to triple the RAM. And to do that he needs a completely new BIOS and chipset.
I wouldn't suggest asking him tomorrow, either.
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
His, like, 50th "mid-life" crisis. When you've been around for thousands of years, the realization that you aren't "cool" hits about every 5 decades or so. He'll be busy chasing younger women, updating his wardrobe, frequenting the hip taverns and trying to impress everyone with long-winded stories.
High school reunion. He's got to head to the City of Shade for a quick meeting with what remains of his original high school class. An arguement ensues, his date, Mystra, gets into a big arguement with Shar. The whole thing's a mess that degrades into everyone just scowling at each other across the dancefloor while their now shade templated old algebra teacher tries (without success) to get everyone to "cut a rug". For days after he's just not in the mood for anything.
He's checking his email and bogged down reading hundreds of offers for "enlargement systems" and refinancing. Trying to figure out Bigby's Spam Blocking Hand spell.
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
He's been talking to some Canadian guy about this or that article, while also keeping an eye on the Malaugrym to make sure they don't mass invade Toril, while stopping in to chit chat with wizards from alternate realities (and wondering why he remembers talking to ones from an alternate world that other people swear his world's never been connected to), worrying about various exiled archdevils that might cause some ruckus after his recent trip there, arraging tutors and keeping tabs on his newly found daughter, getting notes to Vangerdahast for his "special" project while setting up some spies to make sure that he doesn't try to do anything with his information that he isn't suppose to, keeping an eye on the various agents trying to destabilize Cormyr, working on making some contacts with the elves that have recently shown up in Cormanthor, making sure his "special image" keeps showing up when the Shadovar scry him, tracking down the Phaerimm that survived the Myth Drannor purge, as well as the ones still running around the North after the shadovar inadvertantly set them free, decorating his new house in the High Moor, buying shower gifts and condolence cards, figuring out if Larloch really didn't know anything, catching up with the Shrinshee, keeping an eye on what Manshoon and Szas Tam are really up to, spending quality time with the Simbul, trading stories with Susprina Arkhenneld, proofreading Volo's new articles now that he isn't a lawn ornament, playing "skipping stones" with the local children in Shadowdale, dictating several letters to the "current" Lhaeo, approving various threatening signs for the path leading up to the tower, turning down a few prospective apprentices that were bold enough to ignore the signs, arranging for priests for said bold prospective apprentices, and spending time contemplating how much more time he has now that he is retired . . .
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Oh, and what Celestial Healer said . . . working on a CR 2 trap . . . some things are even beyond a thousand year old archmage's ability to expedite.
He's post op and will be out of commission for another two weeks. By the way, the name is now Elmistress.
He's post op and will be out of commission for another two weeks. By the way, the name is now Elmistress.
Does this make Ed Greenwood a transvirtual?
El Skootro
He's post op and will be out of commission for another two weeks. By the way, the name is now Elmistress.Does this make Ed Greenwood a transvirtual?
El Skootro
It would if Ed weren't already short for Edwina.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Elminster is too busy sneaking out to visit Driz'zt in the Ruins of Brokeback Undermountain.
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
Still trying to figure out how the fundamental rules of reality and magic work after tle latest big disaster/shake-up/edition change.
Fending off attacks by the latest bunch of murderhobos convinced that killing Elminster while only 12th level with two immovable rods, a glass of green slime, and a scroll of silence will somehow prove something and not destabilize/doom the realms.
Sleeping. Come on, the guy's how old? If he's anything like most old men, hr probably spends half his life asleep.
Flirting with young women.
Convincing the guards he's a god-like wizard who just likes having fun, and not a creepy old pervert that keeps propositioning young women.
Handling a lawsuit for single handedly bankrupting Faerun social security.
|
| 6 people marked this as a favorite. |
Holy necromancy!
Anywho, he's an 8th level specialist Diviner, with an amazingly inflated local reputation and a soul-searing collection of porn involving him and various goddesses and female rulers (none of which have ever heard of him...).
He does have some great intel, for a guy tucked away in East Nowhere, 'the Dales,' and is a great source of adventure hooks for people who *can* deal with the situations he's become aware of.
Wait, that was ME that cast raise thread?! Holy smoke, I never even noticed. I'm not even sure how I found this thread now. I wasn't intentionally going back through board history. I just saw the title somewhere, clicked, and made a post...
Holy necromancy!
Anywho, he's an 8th level specialist Diviner, with an amazingly inflated local reputation and a soul-searing collection of porn involving him and various goddesses and female rulers (none of which have ever heard of him...).
He does have some great intel, for a guy tucked away in East Nowhere, 'the Dales,' and is a great source of adventure hooks for people who *can* deal with the situations he's become aware of.
This is the best interpretation of him I have seen. Ever.
He still uses internet explorer and hasn't gotten the email yet?
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Wait, that was ME that cast raise thread?! Holy smoke, I never even noticed. I'm not even sure how I found this thread now. I wasn't intentionally going back through board history. I just saw the title somewhere, clicked, and made a post...
Sometimes OTD can bork up and scroll you back into the archives for seemingly no reason. Easy to not notice if you don't know to be looking for it whenever a huge batch of unfamiliar-looking threads appear, or if you're not a frequent OTDweller.
He's trying to keep himself sane in the face of losing his goddess. Again.
Too busy starring in his own novels.
He's tired of dealing with all of the messes the world has gotten into, tired of all of the ungrateful brats younger people asking him to constantly save him, and is just enjoying an unending retirement with a particularly naughty priestess.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Wait, that was ME that cast raise thread?! Holy smoke, I never even noticed. I'm not even sure how I found this thread now. I wasn't intentionally going back through board history. I just saw the title somewhere, clicked, and made a post...Sometimes OTD can bork up and scroll you back into the archives for seemingly no reason. Easy to not notice if you don't know to be looking for it whenever a huge batch of unfamiliar-looking threads appear, or if you're not a frequent OTDweller.
It's all of the boards, actually.
Wait, that was ME that cast raise thread?! Holy smoke, I never even noticed. I'm not even sure how I found this thread now. I wasn't intentionally going back through board history. I just saw the title somewhere, clicked, and made a post...Sometimes OTD can bork up and scroll you back into the archives for seemingly no reason. Easy to not notice if you don't know to be looking for it whenever a huge batch of unfamiliar-looking threads appear, or if you're not a frequent OTDweller.
Do you use multiple tabs when surfing the site? If so, that's what causes it. When you load, say, the last page in a thread you're surfing and enter/refresh a forum at the same time, it can sometimes bork the "last page" command to where it affects the forums as well.
I use tabbed browsing a lot on sites, but I've noticed the way this one handles tracking is not actually fully compatible with tabs.
Because we're on Golarion. The gods and empyreal lords all agreed in the unmentioned Concordance to have a 'no-Elminster/Chosen of Mystra/Harpers/etc' policy here. On Golarion, we solve problems ourselves!
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Because he's researching a spell to eliminate all Drizzt clones, and it's turned out to be an even more epic hurdle than he expected.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Senior citizen day at the wafflehouse.
|
Chief Technical Officer
|
| 4 people marked this as a favorite. |
... because he's a fictional character?Boooo!!!! Party foul! You suck, Wertz, way to break the mood!
lol
I'll take your criticism seriously when you become an actual healer. Until then, you clearly have a vested interest in supporting fictional characters.
My favorite explanation:
Awhile ago I had a conversation with someone who explained he was running an E6 campaign...set in Faerun. Now, you are probably thinking, "Wait, WHAT?!? Isn't the whole point of an E6 world that there aren't tons of Super Awesome Epic Mary Sues running around so that the PCs can actually do stuff that MATTERS? Isn't the point of E6 literally to eliminate Elminster Syndrome? How could you do that in Faerun?"
Yea, that's what I thought. The explanation he gave was that Ao and Mystra decided the world would be better off without level 7+ characters, so the adjusted the weave to eliminate 5th+ level spells (and 4th level spells except as obtainable via E6 rules). The gods were demoted to 13th-20th level non-deity characters. Any non-god who was 7th level or higher was reduced to level 1.
The economy and societal structures are radically altered, since the movers and shakers no longer have any significant power. It nearly causes a collapse of civilization.
And then the campaign begins, allowing the PCs to emerge as the heroes without Elminster getting in the way.
He wasn't sure why Ao would decide to do this, so I suggested that Ao had an epiphany:
Hey, I've kinda been an @$#% in messing with this world, constantly rebooting the world and making everyone else, including the PCs and the gods, irrelevant. Now everyone hates my campaign setting because even if there is a piece they like they know I'll just @#$% it up. Maybe I should give up my omnipotence. Oh, but I wouldn't want to be less powerful than other people. I hate other people! So I better make my last action as an overdeity to make everyone else into a mortal weaker than I am! Then I can safely become mortal. I'll still be the most powerful <I'm tired of writing censor-bypassing symbols> around, but I won't have the power to redesign the universe or the nature of magic anymore.(keep in mind that Ao is my least favorite NPC every published in any published D&D...
well stated.
Would that this would happen.
| 3 people marked this as a favorite. |
Sigh. And once again, I'm feeling lonely that such creatures, beings, and folk not only don't bother me, but I think they're cool. In the setting. As is.
Any-way: because he's a really high level character, but he's pretty poorly optimized!
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
Sigh. And once again, I'm feeling lonely that such creatures, beings, and folk not only don't bother me, but I think they're cool. In the setting. As is.
Of the many problems I have with Faerun, its presence of high-level ex-adventurers is not one of them. *brofist*
Huzzah!
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Sigh. And once again, I'm feeling lonely that such creatures, beings, and folk not only don't bother me, but I think they're cool. In the setting. As is.Of the many problems I have with Faerun, its presence of high-level ex-adventurers is not one of them. *brofist*
Indeed, I have no problem with high level retired adventures simply living their lives. It's Forgotten Realms itself I hate.
Before I hated Facebook, before I hated Alton Brown, even before I hated Whedon, I hated Forgotten Realms.
So much.
So very much.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
... because he's a fictional character?
Or so we are led to believe! Dun dun duh!
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
My main problems with FR are its extremely extensive and strict canon, its plethora of tie-in novels that (unlike Pathfinder's) change or heavily affect large swaths of said canon that is otherwise unrevealed to people who only get their information on the setting from its actual setting books*, many of its deities, the bizarre nature of its reboots, and general burnout from years and years and years of playing Neverwinter Nights on Faerun-set servers and dealing with - you guessed it - constant arguments about canonicity.
It eventually got bad enough that we flat out said "the canon stops at year X, everything going forward from that is based on what happens on OUR server, ignoring novels, books, 4E, or anything else that changed/changes stuff".
Indeed, I have no problem with high level retired adventures simply living their lives. It's Forgotten Realms itself I hate.
Before I hated Facebook, before I hated Alton Brown, even before I hated Whedon, I hated Forgotten Realms.
It was a different game world for a different time; we're kinda of stuck with it now. I don't blame Ed Greenwood alone. That notion started with Greyhawk and Gygax; Greenwood and the Hickman's just optimized it.
Followed by, as Orthos points out, a plethora of non-essential novels being printed like crazy.| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
And back to the thread topic:
Why can't Elminster take care of this???
And miss the early bird special at Denny's? Not happening!