GoatToucher's page

Three 2000 page books in the cosmere series written by Brandon Sanderson this month!

A little of this
A little of that
A touch of you-know-what

The Mommy (a voluptuous undead Egyptian as Brendan Fraser feeling some kind of way)

Iron Han

(in this Elseworlds saga, the hero of the original trilogy travels to Wu-Tang VII to hone his martial prowess, tempering his body into a deadly weapon)

You can sup on the marrow within the charred bones of those who would oppose you.

If you are also the DM, that's also good.

FNORD IS THE BEGINNING AND THE END! THE ALPHA AND OMEGA! IT IS THE CRUCIBLE WHERE ALL IS FORGED AND THE INFERNO WHERE ALL IS CONSUMED! SPLIT A PIECE OF WOOD, AND YOU WILL FIND IT! BUILD A TOWER TO RIVAL THE HEAVENS, AND IT IS THERE! IT IS IN THE FIRST TEAR OF EVERY CHILD AND IN THE LAST, PAINED GROAN OF THE LAST GOD AT THE END OF ETERNITY AS THE STARS GUTTER OUT AND ALL IS DIM!

For an ANUS FULL OF BEES!

A whip.
A drip.
A triple flip.

I'm sorry, what are we talking about now?

:bans The Beast of London:

Oh, you want to know why?

WHO ARE YOU TO DARE QUESTION ME!?!

~~FLAMES~~

~~EXPLOSIONS~~

~~FARM ANIMAL NOISES~~

:is messily devoured and excreted whole:

Oh my yes!

The hip-hop musical remake: "Yung Frankenstein"

Not the tightest sphincter at the orgy, are we?

Not the snuggest banana-hammock at the pool party, are we?

Not the least impotent fellow at the key party, are we?

Frost

The Roadside Diner Not Taken
Stopping by Woodman's on a Snowy Evening
Tonight, Let's Eat Out, Out
Mending Walleye
Fire Roasted Salsa and Iced Coffee
After Apple Picking ('nuff said)
Nothing Cooked to a Delicious Golden Brown Can Stay
The Death of The Hired Flan
Church's (Chicken)

Chunder Mall: Ernst Blofeld seeks to wreak havoc on American commerce by spreading tainted meat to shopping centers around the American heartland.

Doctor Po: A Korean culinary billionaire has put addictive chemicals in his food to cause people to crave it fortnightly in an attempt to corner the dried food market.

Yo! Only Live Twice!: Don't bogart the controller during this game of Super Mario, man. Let the rest of us have a turn!

The Man with the Golden Bun: A sinister southern-fried cooking impresario plans to rob Fort Knox by pulling a switcheroo, replacing gold bullion with ingots of chicken bouillon.

The Man with the Golden Gunk: Newly minted double-O secret agent Tony Gunk is on the case (many of you will not get this joke).

In a word... CHAOS.

Why do you ask?

Pawn Fars

"Best I can do is sex once every seven years."

The Most Dangerous Dame Judy Dench will f!@@ing kill you.

The Mall of Cthulhu

The Maddow Over Innsmouth

The Feast in the Cave

The Dolour Out of Space

At the Mountains of Sadness

Don't worry, I do, but it does beg the question of what he thinks about you.

On another note, The Dirty Dangler needs to deal with the mail service again. -_-

The Dirty Dangler Deals with the Mail Service II was famously banned in Blackpool.

The Dark Nibbler

Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

A few friends and I are planning to have a wild house party for Count Reiner Heydrich when he returns from participating in the Fantastic Journey. Naturally, you're invited, as it would be wrong not to have you attend. Do you know a good venue and what would you recommend to make sure that the party is fun for all and an experience that can never be forgotten?

In addition, we've all thought about staying at The SLEEP!-&-F!*#! Motel, would that be feasible or is it too sensible for our crazy mischief?

Yours sincerely,

He who became one of your best friends.

I have the perfect venue in mind: some time ago, a very interesting and undeniably huge creature emerged from the darkest and most squamous depths to lay waste to the populous. Some sort of curse set upon the kingdom by some sorcerer or another. At any rate, this proved inconvenient, as I was the the middle of posing for a portrait featuring myself (nude of course) and some strategically placed fruit and wildlife.

One well placed obelisk later and the creature was pithed, immobilize in a sea cave nearby. It has not been allowed to die, but the centuries have wrought upon it a slow deterioration which has been perfectly scrumptious in the degree of agony and dread inflicted upon the erstwhile destroyer. I would wager that with the right lighting and perhaps a curtain or two, it's chest cavity would make a most delightful venue for all manner of goings on.

As a conversation piece, its heart looms above, as big as a cottage, still beating intermittently, pulsing unwanted life to the creature's tormented brainmeats.

I'll send a palanquin over to bring you to inspect it. The right hirelings could do wonders with the space.

Yours within...

Uncle GoatToucher

Schindler's Lisp

The Worse Whisperer

Has Boot: The harrowing tale of a man with a boot.

Ah, sweet, sweet, Alantaloons: In her day, she had four of the finest breasts and three of the finest buttocks you've ever seen.

And what she could do with her horns... :sighs wistfully:

Meanwhile, I demand to see The Dirty Dangler!

If I had a nickel...

Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

I am in VERY URGENT need of guidance as to my present predicament:

I was just loafing around the house here, when I decided to go to the living room to watch TV; when I got there, I couldn't help but look out the window at my front lawn, and the angel-statue I'd had put in just last week. I know it might sound silly, but something about that statue was really creeping me out, so I got up to close the blinds, and that's when I remembered, to my horror...

...I don't have a front lawn.

Aloha,

Shaken In Suburbia

Ah. A Carnivorous Lawn. I've seen them a hundred times. The statuary draws you in to examine it (usually with come "inscription" of gobbeldy-gook on the dais). Then is rolls up on you, quick as a flash, while you neighbors are none the wiser, assuming that you are preparing to lay down sod.

There are two ways to do about this, the first is the good old Rot-Grub. A million household uses, and high in protein!

The second is cleansing flame.

You might tame it, now that I think on it, with the proper incentives and enough patience (particularly if you don't care for your neighbors).

Yours in need of a trim,

Uncle GoatToucher

Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

I'm going on another "Fantastic Journey" through 24 locations, and I was wondering which old ones should I revisit?

And what new locations should I go to?

Yours sincerely,

Where did I leave my belongings?

For a truly invigorating time, I recommend the Probe-Pits of the Tienish people. "Leave no hole unturned!" is their motto! They consider it wholistic medicine (no pun intended).

Your senses will never feel so alive! What a way to begin your journey: better able to see, hear, smell, and taste the places your journey takes you!

Yours dilated,

Uncle GoatToucher

What?

Oh, sorry - I thought you said Arch Vice Countess. Aunt Mika is the only person I know with that title, and GoatToucher only knows what she had to do to get it.

I'll never tell, but I will say that little Mika could hold her breath like a manatee.

1d4 ⇒ 1

Always

You need a Euro!

I'm holding out for a Euro 'til the end of the night!

1d4 ⇒ 2

At Obtuse

eeeeeeeeeeee, if I fart hard enough, this hot tub turns into a jacuzzi!

Thence the flavor, my little friend!

You have to let them steep for a while. Until just before they stop wriggling.

:tiny pleas for mercy:

Ah! There he is!

:takes up T-QIJ and places him in a steaming silver teapot. Cries of torment ensue:

I must say, they do make for a most refreshing brew. I like mine with a twist of lemon!

:tiny, agonized screams:

1d4 ⇒ 1

Dangles

I'm Hiding

In a jalopy

Drank a potent spirit

Making my

1d4 ⇒ 3

Bottom burps sloppy.

BURMA SHAVE

I'm Hiding

In a jalopy

1d4 ⇒ 4

Drank a potent spirit

Remind us of the code for dice rolling, please? I haven't been on a forum game in five years or more.

Banned for Heresy!

21. A photocopy of a horse.

:smooths hair: Well Hel-lo!

I'm THE Driver.
The man, the myth, the torso.
Hey: Kylo Ren F%$+S!

Banned for banning the banner!

Quiche Lisp wrote:

Ha, a new contender !

Pshht, pshhht [*makes a dismissive gesture with a well manicured hand*] !

You are not GoatToucher, do not try to emulate him!

I don't have a monopoly on style! Indeed, I am glad to have a compatriot in that regard.

I’m pretty sure that shame is one of the side effects of all GoatToucher brand products.

Some brands bake love into every product...

Indeed! I would never tolerate an elf with fewer than seven penises.

100 Stupid Reasons These Paladins Fell from Grace.

Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

How come no-one care where Orange Hulk come from?

They are too absorbed in their own business to give a passing thought to an ochre behemoth.

Sad really. Sign of the times.

You know where Orange Hulk come from, yes?

Goodness yes! And what a story: fraught with intrigue, adventure, and childlike wonder!

I count myself lucky to know the tale.

Now don't forget to seek your joy in hobbies in between lumbering about, my friend.

Yours,

Uncle GoatToucher