Cecil Gershwin Palmer's page

*shoots Garfield*

But alas, ladies and gentlemen, it was not to be, for Garfield cannot be killed.

Garfield is eternal.

Garfield is eternal.

G̸̅̆̑̉̎͂́̆͘͜ặ̶̧̣̙͍̙͕̬͍̌̄͐̃͋̅r̸̨̺̹̩̱͐̀̋̒̐̚͜͝f̷̢̢̮͇̯̩͉̤͈̯̰̀̈́̽̈̈̅̒̏̋̓̉̋̄̈͘͠͝ ͕͎̼ͅỉ̷̛̮̘͇̳̗͓̞͎̝̞̥̜̘̐̆̆͌͊͌̌̑̎̋͂͛̆͜͝e̷͇̟͈̫͊l̶̪̮̠͕̻͍̭̇͋̍̎̍̀̔͜͝d̷̈́̌̏́͑̎̇̍́̇͝͝ ̨̹̞̯̹̼̈̓͘͝͠ͅ ̴̨̢̛̳̺̩̲̰̘͕̠͚̽̓̿͒̆͆̒͒į̴̢̜͇̱̣͓̰̼̮̦͉̩͉͓͒̉͆̀̀ͅs̴̡͍͚̞͎̬͉̟̊͑͋̍̐͘͜ ̴̗͚͕̙̝̘͓̌͛͒Ē̷͍̟̜̣̹̜͖̩͓͕̋̈̈ẗ̸͖͕̻̜̦̪̮͙́ę̴͍̪̲̻̳͙̭͚̝͍͙͇̹̙̪͌̍ͅr̴̽̅̋̑̋̂̽͑̋͂͗̉̕͠ ̨̺̟̭̪͓̦n̵̛͖̍̊͊̽͒̈́͌̅̓̒͝a̶̟͑͛̀̑͑͑̚l̵̢̬̰̱̦͚̿.̷͇̪̖̑͂̐̿̏͝

For Now....

We apologise for the fault in the forum posts. Those responsible have been sacked.

Listening to all you people go on about science just makes me think of Carlos.

And now I'm missing Carlos while I'm at work. Thanks. Thanks for that.

And meat byproducts. Which are illegal in certain areas.

She never said they were human. Just that he had a parent.

Why, for all we know, they could have been some otherworldly amoeba-like life form that reproduces asexually by division. Or a large collective of the tiny warriors from the miniature Underground City beneath the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex.

A friendly neighborhood reminder: huddling in the hole in the vacant lot out back of the Ralph's does not earn the store any money unless you go inside for snacks.

And here yet again we see the Lawful and Chaotic mindsets at odds.

Observe how the Lawful mind spares themselves excess stress, time, and effort by observing the instructions and authorities currently in place, even if they consider them foolish or unnecessary. Likewise observe how they express frustration with those who induce excess lost time and expended energy objecting to the instructions provided, regardless of reasoning.

Observe in turn how the argument of the Chaotic mind is that these prohibitions and obstacles needn't exist at all, perhaps even shouldn't, yet provides no consideration nor acknowledgement of the irritation and frustration caused by those who would ignore the fact that, regardless of one's opinion with regard to their existence, the rules still exist.

This has been... traffic.

When I was very young, my age in the high single digits or low double digits (memory fails me) there was a bagel. It was a blueberry bagel.

Someone, in days long past, had taken a bite out of this bagel and then dropped it on the ground outside. And then no one had ever picked it up. It just stayed out there, rain or shine, for, gosh, months at least. This bagel was a fact of my life. It was a feature of the back yard like any of the trees or thornbushes.

The bagel was as hard as stone. I know. I poked it, both with a stick and with my fingers, on several occasions. There are three types of rock. Igneous rocks used to be wet and really hot to touch. Sedimentary rocks used to be sand or mud or something. And then there are metamorphic rocks, which are petrified bagels. This bagel was a metamorphic rock.

My much older half-sister had a cat. She had a ton of cats, over the course of my childhood. She probably still has a ton of cats. But one in particular, which this story revolves around. His name was Carebear, but she called him "Bear" which was more manly. When Carebear was thus christened, she hadn't known his gender. Carebear was a very inbred cat. His mother was also his grandmother and great grandmother. Carebear was not the world's brightest animal. In fact, some might go so far as to call him really, really dumb.

For some reason or another, Carebear was coming to stay with us. I don't remember why. She might have been moving into an apartment that didn't allow pets? But Carebear was coming to stay with us, is the important part.

I watched Carebear eat that bagel. No one believed me afterword, 'it's hard as rock!' they said, 'cat's don't eat bagels!' the said, but I swear on all things holy that I watched Carebear eat that bagel. I don't know why, I'm not sure how but eat that bagel he did, and I saw it happen.

This has been traffic.

"Ya mean mountains are REAL?!"

No. Mountains are NOT real. We've been over this time and time again. We've had several broadcasts dedicated to the subject. Mountains Are Not Real.

Except that one time we found one. And the one Dana found in the Desert Otherworld. But that's another world, so it's understandable that it has different rules. But yes. Mountains are not real. Except that one we found. It's the exception that proves the rule.

BigNorseWolf wrote:

its not like philosophy matters... :)

The only philosopher still worth half a crap is Nihilist Arby's.

The strange lights that appear over their location have yet to be explained, yet already provide ample evidence in the minds of onlookers, soothsayers, doomsayers, conspiracy theorists, UFOlogists, and photophobes across the county.

Arbys. We have the meats, but that does not necessarily imply we are completely certain of their origins. This has been traffic.

** spoiler omitted **

Ambrosia Slaad wrote:

Treppa wrote:

I'm all scratched and bruised with no idea why. Is "amnesic" a superhero trait?

Hmmm. You didn't get any blood transfusions from someone names Jennifer Walters, did you?

Had to look this up. She's inherently 140 but weighs 650 transformed? Where does the mass for the extra 510# come from? Does she suck in nearby matter like a black hole? Because that would be a good superpower in itself.

Seek not the logic of superhero physics; that way lies madness.

This has been... traffic.

Kelsey Arwen MacAilbert wrote:

LordSynos wrote:

I hope all the lovely FaWtLers are well and having a good week. May it go smoothly for ye all. It's been alternating lashing rain and suddenly sunny all week, when I'm not soaking wet, I'm blinded. Bless us and save us, no matter how odd it gets, I still love Irish weather.

Can I have your rain? I could use some more rain.

You're welcome to come borrow some. We have it by the barrel full. We'll need it back by next Tuesday though. The Overcloud won't be best pleased if we deny his tribute too long.

All Hail the Glow OverCloud.

You do realize that the City Council will not be holding elections anytime in the near future, correct? Not only would it be illogical, having only just elected our new mayor, by which I of course mean voted meaninglessly in the futility of our lives while the Council in their vague semi-omniscience selected the most fitting candidate - or non-candidate, as the case may be - but it would also be illegal.

Isn't the campaign season already over, Hiram?

And to all a good night, Night Vale, good night.

The Sheriff's Secret Police released a report this morning regarding the sudden appearance of ephemeral demihuman creatures that the local populace has colloquially begun to refer to as "goblins". It is currently unknown where they are coming from, or if they have any connection to the old oak doors that appeared around our fair city earlier this summer.

I tried talking to one, mostly to ask if she'd seen Carlos, but she just blew a raspberry at me and set my tie on fire.

The Sheriff's Secret Police warn that the creatures are possibly armed and most certainly dangerous, and advise citizens remain in their homes until the situation is brought under control. They also noted that this really won't prevent the goblins from reaching people, as they seem to be able to manifest just about anywhere, and frequently simply walk through walls as if they were never there. There are three in the studio right now. I think one of them ate Intern Claudius. Our condolences go to his family.

Randarak wrote:

...and Friday is only a 5 hour day.

What perfidy is this? Cosmo has somehow stolen 19 hours from Friday!?

Madness! He must be stopped!

.

Or, possibly, propitiated...

As long as he's produced all the proper paperwork for the City Council.

Officer, I must report you are banned for not getting the memo that Station Management has finally fixed the wi-fi in the studio.

Banned for being summoned without a permit.

DM_aka_Dudemeister wrote:

New Class: Conspirator

Key Class Feature: Secrets.

Conspirator does not exist.

An agent of the Anaphexia will be at your location presently for re-education.

Do not resist.

Remember, the Sheriff's Secret Police are here for your protection. Even from yourself.

If you see something, say nothing, and drink to forget.

Oceanshieldwolf wrote:

black magic woman...

For Carlos, I banish thee!

-Lisa

*sigh* Sweet, wonderful, beautiful, perfect Carlos.

ALL HAIL THE GLOW CLOUD. ALL HAIL.

ALL HAIL.

It's not a demon, it's just the Faceless Old Woman who Secretly Lives in your Home. She knows seafood is better for you. She also wants your wifi password.

Informs the Thread Necromancer that he does not have proper clearance for that information.

Hiram McDaniels wrote:

The school board never got the Secret Police's permission for that test.

You seem to miss some heads...

I believe only the dedicated speaker is pictured. It tends to get a little chaotic if they're all allowed to talk at once.

And now, for the Weather.

You're asking Dangerous Questions. The Sheriff's Secret Police may want to have a Word with you if you continue.

Another "Power Outage" when did Paizo get taken over by men in black helicopters?

Black helicopters are (probably) World Government, and while they are dangerous when dealing with children playing in the scrublands and the sand wastes, they have relatively little interest in the goings-on regarding tabletop interactive roleplaying scenarios and the companies that produce them.

Yellow helicopters, on the other hand, you should be worried about.

STREET CLEANING DAY.

Just count your blessings and be glad you made it through alive. Next time, we may not be so lucky.

You don't want to know. You Really Don't Want To Know.

mamaursula wrote:

Andrew Black wrote:

Samuel Stone wrote:

Ear-string gloves is going to win it all this year. It's got the best of both worlds.

Chalange Acepted!

But will it have Goblins? ;-)

Goblins are sold separately. Collect them all!

Warning: Use of kobolds with ear-string gloves voids your warranty on both kobold and gloves. Not compatible with OS X.

Void where prohibited.

Crimson Jester wrote:

Well my Youngest son became an Eagle Scout last night. His ceremony along with 3 other kids should be next month some time. My oldest has slipped behind as School work is just torture right now but he will most likely catch up in March.

Congrats! Hold out for Fear Scout next.

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. The latest word from mayoral candidate Hiram McDaniels, supporter of the arts, encourager of the youth, literally a five-headed dragon.

Cecil Gershwin Palmer wrote:

Freehold DM wrote:

Aberzombie wrote:

sings the theme song to Firefly

takes the sky away from aberzombie

Breaking news, ladies and gentlemen. The sky is gone. I repeat, the sky is gone. We don't know where it went, it just vanished. The yawning void remains.

If you have any information behind this mysterious disappearance of the sky, please contact the Sheriff's Secret Police at their toll-free hotline. No number. Just talk into your phone receiver. They can always hear you.

For some reason I keep thinking your name should be Chopper dave

For further information, tune in here twice monthly.

Aberzombie wrote:

sings the theme song to Firefly

takes the sky away from aberzombie

Breaking news, ladies and gentlemen. The sky is gone. I repeat, the sky is gone. We don't know where it went, it just vanished. The yawning void remains.

If you have any information behind this mysterious disappearance of the sky, please contact the Sheriff's Secret Police at their toll-free hotline. No number. Just talk into your phone receiver. They can always hear you.

Perhaps you should look into subsidy. I'm sure multiple fine entrepreneurs in our little town would be interested in having a field tester for their various products.

Cecil Gershwin Palmer wrote:

xangpow wrote:

Cecil Gershwin Palmer wrote:

AndIMustMask wrote:

Ambrosia Slaad wrote:

AndIMustMask wrote:

wwelp, it seems I fail reading forever. I am deeply ashamed.

Nah, you just rolled a 1 {consults crit fail table} aannnnnnnnnd your eyeballs fall out.

drat! i spent 20 grand on those things. that +8 racial to perception was too good to pass on.

Good news, folks. Night Vale Optometry, Dentist, and Organ Donation Center is having a pledge drive this week. Turn in your new and gently used organs for a generous credit on your next pair of eyeglasses or mandatory bi-yearly dental examination. Only this week, listeners, so don't delay. Get the most for your excess flesh.

Will you be checking were the flesh comes from? The fact that I am a necromancer should in no way affect your answer.

As long as you have your City Council-issued Approved Necromantic Practitioner card on-hand, I don't imagine there will be any problems outside the standard-issue paperwork.

*flashes card and a toothy grin* Never leave home without it.

I see you have nine punches on your Skeleton Donation Counter for the Night Vale Public School System. One more and you gain Graverobbing Immunity for one year. Excellent work, citizen! The city thanks you for your hard work, blasphemous practices, and bountiful generosity.

Cecil Gershwin Palmer wrote:

AndIMustMask wrote:

Ambrosia Slaad wrote:

AndIMustMask wrote:

wwelp, it seems I fail reading forever. I am deeply ashamed.

Nah, you just rolled a 1 {consults crit fail table} aannnnnnnnnd your eyeballs fall out.

drat! i spent 20 grand on those things. that +8 racial to perception was too good to pass on.

Good news, folks. Night Vale Optometry, Dentist, and Organ Donation Center is having a pledge drive this week. Turn in your new and gently used organs for a generous credit on your next pair of eyeglasses or mandatory bi-yearly dental examination. Only this week, listeners, so don't delay. Get the most for your excess flesh.

Will you be checking were the flesh comes from? The fact that I am a necromancer should in no way affect your answer.

As long as you have your City Council-issued Approved Necromantic Practitioner card on-hand, I don't imagine there will be any problems outside the standard-issue paperwork.

Ambrosia Slaad wrote:

AndIMustMask wrote:

wwelp, it seems I fail reading forever. I am deeply ashamed.

Nah, you just rolled a 1 {consults crit fail table} aannnnnnnnnd your eyeballs fall out.

drat! i spent 20 grand on those things. that +8 racial to perception was too good to pass on.

Good news, folks. Night Vale Optometry, Dentist, and Organ Donation Center is having a pledge drive this week. Turn in your new and gently used organs for a generous credit on your next pair of eyeglasses or mandatory bi-yearly dental examination. Only this week, listeners, so don't delay. Get the most for your excess flesh.

Drejk wrote:

Headache :(

How is it all the way over there and all the way over here at the same time?!

Global resonance.

I see absolutely no problems with this arrangement.

SnowJade wrote:

Fireman Gob Montag wrote:

Someone call the Fire Department? Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!

Maybe someone should, but I'm gonna grab the graham crackers, marshmallows and chocolate bars. An opportunity like this is not to be wasted!

Little known fact the Paizo fire department is in charge of starting the fires, not putting them out.

This isn't standard procedure for every fire department? This, ladies and gentlemen, is what's wrong with the world. Thankfully we here have our heads on straight.

It's a FIRE. DEPARTMENT. They FIRE FIGHT. That means FIGHTING WITH FIRE. How is that so hard to understand?

We've experienced that once. They were all over the place down at City Hall. The Council tried offering them first as rewards and payment for services rendered. They ended up having to give them away. There were just too many.

They're not certain we got rid of them all, to be quite honest. There's been sightings of things in the trees, and strange noises from beneath the loading dock. Also, food has been disappearing in greater and greater quantities for months.

We will investigate and report to you, listeners, as soon as more information is available.

Sir, would you care to make a statement for the press regarding your experiences?

They were not available for comment.

The station reminds you that dogs are not allowed in the dog park. Do not think about the dog park. Do not look for too long at the dog park, and especially not at the hooded figures.

And now, traffic.

No, the Illuminati and the Masons are - currently - not affiliated with one another. However, both groups are in the middle of massive restructuring and the lines of alliance between the new chapters have yet to be drawn, so stay tuned for further updates as this story develops.

As far as this reporter has uncovered, the Knights Templar folded approximately 250 years ago. However, they may have simply gone underground and are awaiting the proper time to re-emerge and assert themselves once more. If we uncover any further information, listeners, you will be the first to know. (After, of course, the City Council and the Sheriff's Secret Police. But you already knew that.)

The City Council has mandated all vaccinations and vitamin or dietary injections must now be approved through the Night Vale Food, Health, and Postmortem Processing Department. Those wishing to be able to administer these resources must fill out the proper paperwork with the aid of an official Night Vale Notary Public. The Night Vale Notary Office is open... never.