Twisted Wishes

I saw a similar thread on shadowunit.org and thought it might be fun to port here.

The rules:
Someone else has posted a wish. You grant the letter of the wish in such a way as to violate the spirit and make the wisher's life either unpleasant or short.

Then you post a wish.

For example, if someone else posted: "I wish to be married to a beautiful, intelligent woman with a go-get-'em attitude." you might post in reply: "And here's your bride: Elizabeth Barthony." and then append that with "I wish for a pony."

I'll start.

I wish the weather would warm up.

I wish the weather would warm up.

I have an Inconvenient Truth for you.

I wish I were independently wealthy.

I wish I were independently wealthy.

your wish has been granted: here are tricks in which to turn....

I wish...I didn't have to wish anymore......

I wish...I didn't have to wish anymore......

No wishes for you; now you grant wishes. Phenominal cosmic power... itty bitty living space.

I wish for a pony.

I wish for a pony.

you are granted the left knee of the teletubby named Po.

I wish for a better world

I wish for a better world

Granted. It is the year 39009 CE. You collapse into gibbering insanity, unable to grasp the changes around you.

I wish I had a working Portable Hole.

the Xorn Whisperer wrote:

I wish for a better world

Granted. It is the year 39009 CE. You collapse into gibbering insanity, unable to grasp the changes around you.

I wish I had a working Portable Hole.

Granted. Your bunghole is transformed into an extra dimensional space covering all you put into it in a thin sheen of your own waste matter.

I wish I could cast charm person spells at a rate of 3 per day.

I wish I could cast charm person spells at a rate of 3 per day.

A cult forms around you ending in mass suicide and you imprisoned for life.

I wish I could play the guitar.

I wish I could play the guitar.

Granted - you are now John Denver and the date is October 11, 1997.

I wish I had the ability of Telepathy.

I wish I had the ability of Telepathy.

You now cannot sleep or function since everyone's interior monologue within a 10-mile radius spills into your quivering brain . You go insane within a week, giving yourself a home trepanation to stop the voices.

I wish that America had a viable space program.

I wish that America had a viable space program.

Granted. NASA's first moon base began operations in 1981. In a bold move, President Reagan created the first space-based nuclear weapons launch-and-delivery program, called the Golan Defense Platform. Today, thousands of missiles are poised to rain down upon the entire globe, and with Chinese and Russian platforms in the works, nuclear devastation is imminent.

I wish I were genetically predisposed to need no sleep, ever.

I wish I were genetically predisposed to need no sleep, ever.

Granted. You now suffer from Fatal Familial Insomnia.

I wish that Paizo would become the most commercially successful RPG publishing company in History.

I wish that Paizo would become the most commercially successful RPG publishing company in History.

Granted!

Now Paizo is so successful it draws the attention of Hasbro, which offers to buy it out for an ungodly sum. Once the Pathfinder game is in its clutches, it immediately calls for a Pathfinder 2nd Edition, with a reset Spellplague on Golarion to update. Also, the avg. suppliment/module rating goes down to 'G' so as to not offend Hasbro's shareholders.

I wish that there was no poverty in the world.

Granted. Communism spread from Russia to the entire world.
Long live the Revolution!

I wish for superspeed.

Your wish is granted. You don't have protection from air friction so you burn to a crisp the first time you hit Mach 2.

I wish for a billion dollars.

(edited)
Granted. Unfortunately hyper-inflation means the US economy is in such a mess that Zimbabwe looks a picnic by comparison.

I wish James Jacobs had his own dinosaur park on a private island off the coast of South America.

Your wish is granted. You don't have protection from air friction so you burn to a crisp the first time you hit Mach 2.

I wish for a billion dollars.

Granted.

But the current Economic Crisis worsens, meaning that your Billion Dollars is actually worth bugger all.

Dammit I wanted to wish for Superspeed, so now I'll just have to wish for All of the RPGS, CCGS, Action Figures and Lego in existence!

taig wrote:

Your wish is granted. You don't have protection from air friction so you burn to a crisp the first time you hit Mach 2.

I wish for a billion dollars.

Granted.

But the current Economic Crisis worsens, meaning that your Billion Dollars is actually worth bugger all.

Dammit I wanted to wish for Superspeed, so now I'll just have to wish for All of the RPGS, CCGS, Action Figures and Lego in existence!

Uhhh, you are buried alive beneath the resultant mountain of plastic and cardboard....

I wish James Jacobs had his own dinosaur park on a private island off the coast of South America.

Granted. In 1993, James Jacobs survived a plane crash in the South Pacific. He washed up on shore at a secret government biotech research center involved in recombinant DNA studies. He stole clothing from a line on the beach, and successfully infiltrated the installation, eventually rising to become head of R&D. As a result of Jacobs early retirement from the gaming industry, events led to his close friends Mona, Bulmahn and others never making it to Paizo. Pathfinder does not exist.

I wish injuries to my body would heal instantaneously.

Granted. The rampant tissue growth from your accelerated healing immobilizes you.

I wish everyone on the Internet would use proper spelling and grammar.

I wish everyone on the Internet would use proper spelling and grammar.

The formation of the Grammar Police results in a decimation of the world's populace from summary executions. The economy crumbles for lack of unskilled labor worldwide. The educated flounder, not knowing how to actually accomplish anything.

I wish I could sleep in every day.

Granted. You sustain a serious head injury in an accident involving an apple, an elastic band and a brick wall, and fall into a coma.

I wish that Megan Fox was my girlfriend.

Granted - You become a target for one of her deranged fans. He kidnaps you and does unspeakable things to you, all in the name of love.

I wish I had my own navy.

Granted. Aberzombie Navy is the laughing stock of the fashion world and Crayola won't touch the color for their crayons.

I wish this cold would go away.

Ubermench wrote:

I wish I could play the guitar.

Granted - you are now John Denver and the date is October 11, 1997.

Now that's just cruel.

Granted. Aberzombie Navy is the laughing stock of the fashion world and Crayola won't touch the color for their crayons.

I wish this cold would go away.

Granted. Your body temperature increases to over a thousand degrees as you spontaneously combust.

I wish I knew what to wish for.

I wish I knew what to wish for.

Granted. Immediate physical pain brings whole new focus to your life as you cannot think of anything else than hope it would go away.

I wish for cold fusion to be economically viable energy source.

I wish for cold fusion to be economically viable energy source.

granted. both Martin Fleischmann and Stanley Pons become "co-emperors" of the planet forcing us to reduce our dependence on money, electricity and fossil fuels, thus creating the opportunity for scientists to find economically feasible ways to utilize this cold fusion as our primary source of energy. however few people know of the accident happening december 21, 2012. in an experiment to test the stability of this energy, a pizza delivery boy became exposed to a potentially lethal ball of energy turning him into a living example of cold fusion, noticing the stability of his energized form, both the emperors and scientists came to a concesus that the pizza boy must be used to power our planet for the rest of the existence of the human race....

I wish to be in perfect harmony with the planet

I wish to be in perfect harmony with the planet

Granted. Years from now, even the most hardened news analysts will comment on how your brood-drenched screams added a piquant counterpoint to the rumble of the volcano which opened up under you.

I wish for an opportunity to see the world from space ... without immediately dying of suffocation or explosive decompression. Or cold, either, I'd rather not die of cold.

I wish for an opportunity to see the world from space ... without immediately dying of suffocation or explosive decompression. Or cold, either, I'd rather not die of cold.

Granted. You die of starvation/thirst as your capsule circles the earth over and over with no way to return to the surface.

I wish for a time machine.

Granted. You die of starvation/thirst as your capsule circles the earth over and over with no way to return to the surface.

I wish for a time machine.

I grant you one cardboard box, which will miraculously transport you one second into THE FUTURE for every second you spend sitting in the box.

I wish I had a free lunch.

I grant you one cardboard box, which will miraculously transport you one second into THE FUTURE for every second you spend sitting in the box.

I wish I had a free lunch.

A box which was originally slated from hunger relief in Africa gets misrouted to Paizo HQ. Cosmo gorges himself on the hunger relief supplies and as a result a dozen children die of starvation. Wracked with guilt Cosmo spends the rest of his life and all of his money trying to solve world hunger.

I only have a few wishes... and none of them belong here.

I wish my cats would get along.

Cosmo wrote:

I grant you one cardboard box, which will miraculously transport you one second into THE FUTURE for every second you spend sitting in the box.

I wish I had a free lunch.

A box which was originally slated from hunger relief in Africa gets misrouted to Paizo HQ. Cosmo gorges himself on the hunger relief supplies and as a result a dozen children die of starvation. Wracked with guilt Cosmo spends the rest of his life and all of his money trying to solve world hunger.

I only have a few wishes... and none of them belong here.

I wish my cats would get along.

All cats develop super human like intelligence and band together to enslave the world and force former cat owners to bat a pieces of string dangling over their heads until they die of exhaustion.

I wish I had a nickel every time someone asked for a wish.

Granted. 45 quadrillion nickels immediately form around you causing you to die of crushing suffocation.
I wish my wife was nicer to me.

I wish I had a nickel every time someone asked for a wish.

Granted!

Buried alive under a landslide of petty coinage, you're not around to see the resultant devaluation of the nickel as a unit of currency.

I wish that my house was restored to perfect condition.

Granted.

45 quadrillion nickels immediately form around you causing you to die of crushing suffocation.

I wish my wife was nicer to me.

Granted!

After her conviction for murdering everyone who ever got on your nerves, your wife continues her slavish devotion after they send her to a prison for the criminally insane.

I wish that my house was restored to perfect condition.

I wish that my house was restored to perfect condition.

All the lumber in your house is restored into to its original form creating a perfect grove of trees which the goverment then turns into a nature preservre. Now homeless your are forced to live on the street.

I wish my boss would retire so I can take his job.

I wish my boss would retire so I can take his job.

Granted. It turns out your boss's job really sucks.

I wish TV didn't suck.

I wish TV didn't suck.

Granted: All TV shows are now so perfect and attention holding that every human who owns a TV does nothing all day but sit and watch. These people slowly die of starvation, most work comes to a halt, and civilization as we know it soon collapses.

I wish my wife wasn't allergic to dogs.

I wish my wife wasn't allergic to dogs.

Granted!

Your wife now raises attack dogs for a living, and they all have a taste for zombie flesh.

I wish that it would stop raining.

I wish that it would stop raining.

Granted! massive droughts sweep the world, because of this lack of groundwater it has ceased to rain anymore

Patrick Curtin wrote:

I wish that it would stop raining.

Granted! massive droughts sweep the world, because of this lack of groundwater it has ceased to rain anymore

What's your wish?

Your implicit wish for nothing is granted. The Earth implodes and a black hole erupts.

I wish I was king of the world.

Your implicit wish for nothing is granted. The Earth implodes and a black hole erupts.

I wish I was king of the world.

Granted!

You are king of the world, with eighteen scheming children from four different ex-queens. You elude assisinations daily, so many that you become hoplessly paranoid and lock yourself in a castle tower and live like a prisoner.

I wish that I had ten pounds of gold.

I wish that I had ten pounds of gold.

You drop it on your foot. It hurts.

I wish I had more of a taste for fruits and vegetables.

I wish I had more of a taste for fruits and vegetables.

You are transformed into a rabbit.

I wish I had the ability to travel instantaneously.

Granted. You look up at the moon and you instantly land there. The lack of air disorients you and you transport yourself into deep space.

I wish I was young again.

I wish I was young again.

You are now a simple embryo. Outside of the protection of your mother's womb, you quickly die.

I wish I had more free time.

I wish I had more free time.

(edited) Shipwrecked alone on a desert island with a lifetime's supply of food but little else, you find yourself with all the free time in the world and not much to do with it.

I wish negative numbers squared and square rooted to make negative numbers.