Life after removing someone from your game

[Mark Hoover 330]

I've asked people to stop gaming w/me over the years. I've also been removed from others' groups. It happens; your style isn't compatible with theirs, maybe you rubbed people the wrong way or you're just not good at the mechanics and refuse to learn. In instances though where I'd been generally friendly w/the folks at the table though I've always been able to either maintain friendships away from the games or rekindle things with them at a later time.

I recently removed a problem gamer from my table. They had been talked to many times, they cheated, they lied and they pretended to be ignorant or remorseful JUST ENOUGH to stay on in the games for years. Tail end of last year though our group had finally had enough so we gave this person 2 more sessions then ended things with them earlier this month.

We're all grownups though. Before I joined this particular group, one person had briefly dated the removed player and all of the original members were either online or in-person friends with them. As such, the group came to the decision to remove this player entirely from our lives; blocking the removed player's number, blocking them on social media and so on.

This is all new to me. We've moved the venue of our March session (we play 1/month) so this person doesn't physically show up and disrupt things. The removed player somehow managed to get to me through a dummy acct and sent me messages alternately sad and bitter: I'd helped them start writing again, I'm a funny storyteller, they're going to miss my game... I'm "throwing the baby out with the bath water" and I'm the one who's losing out here. That kind of thing.

Has anyone else found it hard to remove someone from their games? If so, were you able to maintain a social relationship if you wanted to or did you have to cut all ties with the person?

[Dancing Wind]

I tend to evaluate friendships based on whether or not a person is improving my well-being overall.

So, if spending time with someone improves my life (they make me laugh, they listen emphatically without giving unasked for advice, they're there when I need physical help) then I don't cut them out entirely if other people decide to ostracise them.

So I seldom go along with the "AND we're all going to block this person and never communicate with them again" part of a consensus decision to remove a person from a particular group.

That's an individual decision that I make on a case-by-case basis: do I myself want to maintain a social relationship with this person or not.

So in the past, I've gone along with removing a person because I could see the harm they were causing, but have left communications channels open so that if they eventually decided to change their behavior and make amends, there was a pathway open for that.

But the statements you quote are emotionally manipulative statements, not trying to repair relationships. How do you feel about being emotionally manipulated? Is this friendship worth putting up with that for a while because you think that, after the first burst of anger and self-pity, this group action will eventually lead to them changing their behavior?

Is this person going to do anything except dump their negative emotions on you? That's what I ended up using as a metric.

And, yes, there have been a number of ruptured relationships in my past that eventually morphed into more casual on-going relationships. But they only happened when the person stopped harming me, and people I care about.

[DungeonmasterCal]

My group is a rarity in RPGs, I think. Most of us began playing together around 1987 and, though sometimes folks moved away then moved back) I've had the same core group ever since then. There have been new players come and go, but of their own accord so I've never had to ask someone to leave our games before. Our style isn't compatible with a lot of players, so they just weed themselves out.

I've been listening to stories of RPG cringe and horror on Youtube, mostly from Youtubers CritCrab and Den of the Drake. Some of the players described in those stories are just horrific and, warts and all, it makes me appreciate our insular little family so much more.

[Mark Hoover 330]

I don't enjoy being manipulated and I recognize the blame-throwing in this player's messages. That player has always displaced or pawned-off their bad behavior either on others or circumstances. Nothing was ever THEIR fault, but they'd act remorseful just long enough to give the illusion of penance. To be honest, I'd been calling for them to be removed from our gaming group far sooner than now but being the "new guy" in the group I didn't push it real hard.

No, it's not removing that person that gets to me. Toxic folks like that exist in my life; they are still connected to me on FB or other social media though, they can still call or text me if they choose. I might not ANSWER them, but I didn't cut them off at the source.

With this player though, I've blocked them on everything. They are the first person I genuinely think may try to weaponize those toxic behaviors against me or my friends. I don't think we're in any kind of physical danger but I can see this person showing up at someone's home or local gaming store to chastise that person.

That's... new, and weird, and gross and I just want to take a life shower and be done with it.

[Dancing Wind]

That is indeed scary.

[Bjørn Røyrvik]

Cal has me beat by 5 years but the core of my group has been together a while and we've never had to throw people out. Some have been slightly disruptive but dropped out of their own accord, some have moved on from RPGs.

This person is bad for you. If you haven't done so already, reply in writing (do not give them a chance to start talking and interrupt you) and be VERY explicit why this has happened, why this person is being dumped and why you don't want anything more to do with them. Make it clear that you all know exactly what they are doing and that it won't work anymore. Then do not reply to anything more. Probably it won't go beyond a few outbursts that will peter off fairly quickly.