The Unoffical JMD031 Bad Pun Countdown Thread


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Zuckuss' favorite Chinese dish was 4-LOMEIN.

Dark Archive

The Naboo queen's handmaiden was self-conscious about her bosom - they jokingly referred to her as Padme.

Dark Archive

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The Death Star canteen stopped selling wookie steak because the customers kept complaining it was too Chewy.


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*cast protection from fire*

*picks up the Giant D20 of Bad Pun Intolerance*

*throws Giant D20 of Bad Pun Intolerance*

*Giant D20 of Bad Pun Intolerance explodes in a fiery ball damaging everyone in the thread*

Damage: 50d6 ⇒ (1, 1, 2, 4, 1, 4, 5, 5, 2, 2, 3, 1, 6, 6, 4, 4, 4, 1, 2, 5, 6, 6, 3, 6, 4, 3, 6, 4, 4, 2, 5, 1, 2, 2, 5, 6, 4, 3, 3, 5, 6, 4, 1, 4, 1, 5, 4, 3, 1, 5) = 177

*Giant D20 of Bad Pun Intolerance reforms*

*picks up Giant D20 of Bad Pun Intolerance*

*places die on 20*

Grand Lodge

1 person marked this as a favorite.

True story.

One day I was in the car with my wife, when she sneezed, then said "Stupid hayfever. Stupid ragweed."

I replied, "You get hayfever from ragweed??".... "That's appallin'"

Now my ex-wife, coincidentally.


Mythic JMD031 wrote:

*cast protection from fire*

*picks up the Giant D20 of Bad Pun Intolerance*

*throws Giant D20 of Bad Pun Intolerance*

*Giant D20 of Bad Pun Intolerance explodes in a fiery ball damaging everyone in the thread*

[dice=Damage]50d6

*Giant D20 of Bad Pun Intolerance reforms*

*picks up Giant D20 of Bad Pun Intolerance*

*places die on 20*

I should have known you have a fiery temper.


If a lich is only evenly divisible by one and itself, would that make it primeval?


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Why did the Flash show up to fight crime in his pajamas?

Because he was fast asleep.


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I was interested to learn today that, in Chile on the 11th of September 1973, Salvador Allende looked out of his window in the Presidential palace and shouted, "I tawt I taw a Coup D'Etat!'

In Spanish, of course.


"Who do you think you are, you treacherous s~##s? Stuff your plane up your arses! You are talking to the president of the republic! And the president elected by the people doesn't surrender."

--Salvador Allende, 11th of September, 1973.


*places die on 15*


4 people marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

A Russian scientist and a Czech scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear and had collaborated numerous times via mail. One year their schedules allowed them to travel overseas, and as luck would have it they could do so at the same time. They immediately flew to America, landing in New York and then on west to Yellowstone.

They reported to the local ranger station but were informed that it was mating season in the U.S. and that it would be much too dangerous to go out and study the animals. Undaunted, they pointed out that this could well be their only chance. After much pleading, at last the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.

For several days they called in, and then suddenly nothing was heard from the two scientists. Fearing the worst, and a potential international incident, the rangers mounted a search party and found their camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. The rangers followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female but could not get near her, ultimately deciding they would need to kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists.

They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach. Sure enough, inside were the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."


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A man walks into a room carrying two bottles of lemon-lime soda. His friend immediately jumps up and says "We gotta get you to the hospital right away!"

"But why," asks the first man.

"Dude, you need medicine"

"What are you talking about?"

"C'mon, isn't it obvious? You've got a pair-a-sprite!"


British women in bed lie back and think of England

Dutch men, on the other hand, lie back and think, 'It's Groningen'


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A few examples from the Infernal/Abyssal songbook:

'Daddy's taking us to Pazuzu tomorrow'
'When Erinyes' Eyes are Smiling'
'The [redacted] in the Succubus goes round and round'
'Didn't we have a lovely time the day we went to Belphegor'
'Rock me, Asmodeus'
'Iggwilv you still love me tomorrow?'
'Since you've been (a) Cornugon'


4 people marked this as a favorite.

From gameplay, almost two years ago:

Appario Lind wrote:

Appario sees, Maddok, the giant cow, near the precipice of the dirty pool, a whirlwind of carnage.

He's ledge end dairy!

Appario giggles to himself.

Yeah, no one likes a cattle-tale, but you should blame the one who transforms into a bovine and I felt the need to milk that one for all it's worth.


2 people marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber
Appario Lind wrote:

From gameplay, almost two years ago:

Appario Lind wrote:

Appario sees, Maddok, the giant cow, near the precipice of the dirty pool, a whirlwind of carnage.

He's ledge end dairy!

Appario giggles to himself.

Yeah, no one likes a cattle-tale, but you should blame the one who transforms into a bovine and I felt the need to milk that one for all it's worth.

That's udderly absurd.

Sovereign Court

2 people marked this as a favorite.
thunderspirit wrote:
Appario Lind wrote:

From gameplay, almost two years ago:

Appario Lind wrote:

Appario sees, Maddok, the giant cow, near the precipice of the dirty pool, a whirlwind of carnage.

He's ledge end dairy!

Appario giggles to himself.

Yeah, no one likes a cattle-tale, but you should blame the one who transforms into a bovine and I felt the need to milk that one for all it's worth.
That's udderly absurd.

Now now, just because you cud make a play on words doesn't mean you should. ;)

Except in this thread, of course. If you have the opportunity and don't, that's just bull.

The Exchange

Just gonna drop this here, guys. I can't keep up with this all!


1 person marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber
zylphryx wrote:
thunderspirit wrote:
Appario Lind wrote:

From gameplay, almost two years ago:

Appario Lind wrote:

Appario sees, Maddok, the giant cow, near the precipice of the dirty pool, a whirlwind of carnage.

He's ledge end dairy!

Appario giggles to himself.

Yeah, no one likes a cattle-tale, but you should blame the one who transforms into a bovine and I felt the need to milk that one for all it's worth.
That's udderly absurd.

Now now, just because you cud make a play on words doesn't mean you should. ;)

Except in this thread, of course. If you have the opportunity and don't, that's just bull.

I'm not sure I can stomach stomach stomach stomach much more of this.

Sovereign Court

2 people marked this as a favorite.
thunderspirit wrote:
zylphryx wrote:
thunderspirit wrote:
Appario Lind wrote:

From gameplay, almost two years ago:

Appario Lind wrote:

Appario sees, Maddok, the giant cow, near the precipice of the dirty pool, a whirlwind of carnage.

He's ledge end dairy!

Appario giggles to himself.

Yeah, no one likes a cattle-tale, but you should blame the one who transforms into a bovine and I felt the need to milk that one for all it's worth.
That's udderly absurd.

Now now, just because you cud make a play on words doesn't mean you should. ;)

Except in this thread, of course. If you have the opportunity and don't, that's just bull.

I'm not sure I can stomach stomach stomach stomach much more of this.

That's only because you lactose other three stomachs ...


1 person marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber
zylphryx wrote:
thunderspirit wrote:
zylphryx wrote:
thunderspirit wrote:
Appario Lind wrote:

From gameplay, almost two years ago:

Appario Lind wrote:

Appario sees, Maddok, the giant cow, near the precipice of the dirty pool, a whirlwind of carnage.

He's ledge end dairy!

Appario giggles to himself.

Yeah, no one likes a cattle-tale, but you should blame the one who transforms into a bovine and I felt the need to milk that one for all it's worth.
That's udderly absurd.

Now now, just because you cud make a play on words doesn't mean you should. ;)

Except in this thread, of course. If you have the opportunity and don't, that's just bull.

I'm not sure I can stomach stomach stomach stomach much more of this.
That's only because you lactose other three stomachs ...

Oh, it's on now; there's just no whey I can let that one pass by.

Better curd up for quite a battle!


Blimey, it's Friesian out here... Sorry, am I ungulate? Heifer seen such traffic - nothing moo-ving for miles. Still, if you've got a beef with it, take it up with The Ox

Sovereign Court

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What was that? A battle? Well, your challenge has been herd.

I've been challenged by Abigar opponent than you, my friend, and while not wanting to sound Väne or as if I were attempting to Kuri favor with those watching, but I kicked his Arsi and sent that poor Florida Cracker back to Jersey dragging his Wangus in the dirt behind him.

Jamaica Hope for a better result, my friend, but you will Fjäll.

That's all for me at the moment. Work is done. Time to hoof it back to the house.

I wonder if JMD031 will be considering these as a single pun or will count each instance ...


Aren't you dead yet?

*places die on 3*


Mythic Evasion man!


Ensirio the Longstrider wrote:
Mythic Evasion man!

But he isn't mythic...


Mythic JMD031 wrote:
Ensirio the Longstrider wrote:
Mythic Evasion man!
But he isn't mythic...

Your Sense Motive doesn't beat his Mythic Bluff.

Sovereign Court

You can take my puns from my cold dead ... tentacles.

Silly JMD031, mythic cannot affect me. Illithids are not OGL and therefore immune to such things. ;)


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AH, but you're all Alhoon against so many...

Dark Archive

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Ah, but zylphrx starts each morning with a double-sized bowl of Frosted Punny Charms cereal-- chock-full of pink double entendres, yellow eggcorns, orange feghoots, green malapropisms, and purple shaggy dogs!

Sovereign Court

Cosmo3PO wrote:
Ah, but zylphrx starts each morning with a double-sized bowl of Frosted Punny Charms cereal-- chock-full of pink double entendres, yellow eggcorns, orange feghoots, green malapropisms, and purple shaggy dogs!

Oooo ... I would love to have that cereal ...


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Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

You should eat it with spoonerisms too. :-D


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It's good cereal but I always have to pick out the shaggy dogs. They just don't sit well for me.


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Fighter and rogue trapped in a cave in. Rogue panics and starts going through his belongings searching for a way out. He starts showing them to the fighter. "Do you think a ladder will help?", "No", "How about a 10 foot pole?", "No", "Well do you think this Abacus will save us?", fighter gives him a steely glare "Don't count on it.".


*picks up Giant D20 of Bad Pun Intolerance*

*casts Mythic Hold Monster on zylphryx*

*begins bludgeoning zylphryx with the Giant D20 of Bad Pun Intolerance*

*continues bludgeoning until zylphryx is dead*

*casts Soul Bind*

Your soul is mine!

*places Giant D20 of Bad Pun Intolerance on 20*

Dark Archive

Frosted Punny Charms comes with a free Soultm inside every box. If you wanted the toy that badly, I'm sure zylphryx would have just given it to you.

Sovereign Court

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And if you kill someone in this thread, it'll only get worse. Murder always attracts 2d4 CarusoBots who love making puns and zingers.

Sovereign Court

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Bludgeoned by a d20 ... yep, I died. I thought you hated puns JMD031 ... but there you go making one in a round about way. ;)

When I explained this situation, that is being killed by a giant d20 and the attempt to bind my soul which should not work as a PF specific is attempting to affect a non OGL entity, to The Thinker, the statue of a man in a thinking pose, but which has never moved on its own, it stood and stated quite clearly "I concur, soul binding should not work." It then sat back down, proving that it only stands to reason.


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Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

That reminds me of the time Rene Descartes was having a cup in the local coffee shop. When asked if he wanted a refill, he replied, "I think not," and promptly vanished.


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zylphryx wrote:

Bludgeoned by a d20 ... yep, I died. I thought you hated puns JMD031 ... but there you go making one in a round about way. ;)

When I explained this situation, that is being killed by a giant d20 and the attempt to bind my soul which should not work as a PF specific is attempting to affect a non OGL entity, to The Thinker, the statue of a man in a thinking pose, but which has never moved on its own, it stood and stated quite clearly "I concur, soul binding should not work." It then sat back down, proving that it only stands to reason.

So what he's saying is,

if you want to kill punning illithids (or slaadi)...

(•_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)

...the answer is "No dice." (Obligatory)


Treant bard named "Poetry."


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I was tired and hungry after a day Bertrand Russel-ing, so I tied up my Bertrands in front of the Philosopher's Saloon and moseyed on in. I had Derrida da menu, and decided to have a Plato Heidegger chips for my Sartre. The waiter asked what I wanted for a main. I asked for his recommendation, he gave it, so I replied, "I think, therefore, spiced ham, although Egon Ronay only gave it half Marx"

This infuriated the waiter, who snapped, "In that case, you get Foucalt!", then threw me out!


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Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

Just curious: since zylphryx is a computer guy, do his business cards say "Beep Repaired"?

Dark Archive

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thunderspirit wrote:
Just curious: since zylphryx is a computer guy, do his business cards say "Beep Repaired"?

Does he beep when he backs up?

Sovereign Court

What am I, a garbage truck?

Don't answer that.


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Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

Whew! I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I've been carrying. I'm ex-static!


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I reckon I'll just leave this right here.


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A Steak pun? That's a rare medium well done.


We'll just have to see how it steaks up against the other puns here.

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