Here is the archetype that I was toying with prior to the twist for Round 2. It goes against huge amounts of Sean’s advice, so it’s just as well I didn’t get to enter it.
I hope you find it a fun five minute diversion whilst waiting for the proper archetypes to appear.
Oh, 203 words in case you are wondering – and no editing – this was my first draft, so yes, I could improve it.
However, I thought you all might like to have some fun practicing for the imminent archetype reviews. Don’t worry about saying it’s not River Kingdoms, because it was done before the twist.
Have at it – I can take it, and I am expecting lots of pointing back to Sean’s advice as a clue to what I am expecting to see by way of feedback.
I want you to sharpen and hone your skills for the next round, so avail yourself of this opportunity – I might even come back and praise any noteworthy well done criticisms :P
There might even be a template flaw, there might not - I leave it to you to work out :)
Enjoy a moment of madness with…
Fates Wearer (Oracle)
Unassuming features and a gentle nature hides the fury that is the fate weaver. A titan in combat the more enemies engaged at once, she is fury incarnate and grows in power with each passing moment that she is under attack. Her abilities shift and eddy with the tides of fate and many who survive an encounter with her describe it as fighting oneself.
Subsume Ability (Su):Starting at 1st level and for every level thereafter that the fates wearer gains a Revelation her subsume ability grows in power.
At each Revelation level, except Final Revelation, she may sacrifice for the remainder of the combat the mystery spell chosen immediately prior to the Revelation level she wishes to subsume. This allows her to gain from any combatant she is in melee with a choice of any one ability they are granted at the same Revelation level. She is allowed to subsume one ability at each Revelation level she possesses. She does not lose this new ability and cannot change it again until the current combat ends.
When combat ends, the abilities subsumed by the fates wearer leave her, and her access to her mystery spells are restored. This ability replaces oracle’s curse.
I'll check this over later, but I would caution everyone that we probably shouldn't post our archetypes until AFTER round 2 is over.
Yeah, I thought about that and decided a practice one might be useful and completely avoided any river kingdoms tie ins. This is purely for those who want to start honing their archetype review skills.
A think so far, I have one really major item I expect to see with the ability and at least one template issue, but I won't reveal them yet, I want you all to have a stab.
Doing this will help everyone in their assessing skills to decide their votes when they have deadlocks on archetypes they like vying for their precious votes.
RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32
,
Dedicated Voter Season 6
aka Mattrex
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Ooh, the chance to critique. Well, let's see.
First of all, you put a line break between the description and the first ability, and between each paragraph thereafter, which is inappropriate according to the provided template. You also fail to space after the colon in the ability. The name is "Fates Wearer" but the opening paragraph calls her a "fate weaver"; that might not be a template error, strictly speaking, but it's definitely something that's going to raise eyebrows and not in a good way.
So that's it for the template errors. Next up is the writing, which needs quite a bit of editing to get into a publishable state. You have an issue with subject-verb agreement in the first sentence of the description, the second sentence is laborious to read and grammatically suspect (I think it should be "the more enemies she engages at once", though even that doesn't really make the initial clause all that coherent), and the third sentence needs a comma in the middle for clarity and to ease the rhythm of the sentence.
The first sentence of the actual ability needs some commas on either side of "and for every level thereafter that the fates wearer gains a revelation". For that matter, "revelation" should not be capitalized; class ability names are never capitalized unless they include proper nouns. Additionally, at the end of that first sentence you introduce an ambiguity: by saying "her subsume ability grows in power", do you mean "her (subsume) ability grows in power" or "her (subsume ability) grows in power"? According to the ability name, the name of the entire ability is "subsume ability", so if that is correct, the end of the first sentence should read, "her subsume ability ability grows in power". This reads awkwardly but is correct according to house style.
Second paragraph. You use the word "combat" instead of "encounter"; the latter is more appropriate. You use the phrase "in melee with", instead of "in reach", which is clearer and more appropriate for house style. In addition, the text of the ability is confusing and while I can muddle out what you mean by it--the oracle gains whatever level-appropriate ability her opponent possesses by sacrificing some of her own abilities--you do a poor job of clarifying the limitations and conditions surrounding this transferral. That's without even addressing the mechanical questions.
You use passive voice frequently throughout the text of this ability, too: you should say in the third paragraph "she regains access to her sacrificed mystery spells" instead of "her access to her mystery spells are restored".
Really, the whole text of the ability needs to be ripped apart and rebuilt from scratch to emphasize clarity and minimize questions. Obviously, this is only your first draft, so there's some amount of that to be expected, but if I were reviewing this as I would be reviewing a submitted entry, that's exactly what I would be saying.
Next I would like to dive into the actual mechanics, but I'm off work now, so I've got to get running to dinner. Maybe later tonight!
Well done, you found the name change, the missing space and the ability capitalising, those were my three too.
And to highlight the major issue , apart from the restructuring for grammar and clarity, is that the power mentions sacrificing that spell temporarily but it doesn't clarify whether the spell slots are affected, lost or refunded at combat end. This it should clarify.
Excellent spots on the game terms, you even spotted one I had missed!
I am glad you pointed out the passive example, it is one that isn't an obvious will / can / could / should example. I thought I was being sneaky there but you got it!
No need to worry about the flavour etc, it was this technical side I wanted everyone to see some examples of, so hopefully it will help when reviewing the revealed gems in a few days.
Well done indeed, you found everything I thought should be pointed out and went one better!
So looking forward to the real entries now, it looks like you people have really done your homework!
Okie dokie since you asked...
The Good:
To borrow from the judges, there is a neat martial arts type cinematic vibe I get from this of a character immediately adapting and mimicking the abilities of those they are fighting. I think a boss in mortal combat did it and I like the vibe. Name is cool which we know is important.
The Bad:
I know its a draft but the phrasing is awkward and difficult to interpret in places. Some of the description seems extraneous and flowery "titian in combat" or "fury incarnate." Show rather than tell, your audience can decide how amazing the archetype is, trust them to do so.
The Ugly:
This replaces the oracle's curse which is a merit/flaw, with what may be a situational merit but its always a merit. I have concerns this inexorably shifts your archetype in a way that is imbalanced with a standard oracle or comparable character like the cleric.
Overall: I see Superstar potential here, but I also see clumsy language choices and mechanics issues. This would not get a recommend to a later round but its a good 1st draft and decent core idea I'd love to see developed further.
Nice ugly - you spotted one of the Sean advice items - I think it breaches 2 more, so keep going.
I don't know. I kind of liked it. Taking into account that it is just a first draft, I won't comment on template, punctuation, spelling or the active/passive voice. That stuff is for after the polishing has been done.
Oracle is one of my favorite classes so I like the idea of Archetype for them. Plus, any class like Oracle, Sorcerer, Cleric and Wizard, that already have, for all intents and purposes, "built in archetype" specialization available (Mysteries, Bloodlines, Domains and Schools) is going to be more challenging. I will almost always pull for someone who swings for the fences.
My biggest problem is the name. I get an almost Barbarian feel (I say that because of the 'furyincarnate' line) and Fates Weaver doesn't capture the flavor nor do it justice. Nor does it sound exciting.
Needs a new name:
Fury Weaver?
Fate Storm Oracle?
Not sure, but Fate Weaver won't sell it.
Nice ugly - you spotted one of the Sean advice items - I think it breaches 2 more, so keep going.
Yeah was being polite...
-Piggybacks on revelations mechanic which it doesn't replace making dips into the class and certain levels "heavy" power-wise.
-Choice of any one ability in melee with is too vague and doesn't specify or produce a meaningful limit as same revelation level doesn't cut it for me as some revelations do not specify level. IT means they can be taken earlier but that's the kind of thing munchkins like to give dms headaches over.
Less polite
-Consider completely scrapping this:
Unassuming features and a gentle nature hides the fury that is the fate weaver. A titan in combat the more enemies engaged at once, she is fury incarnate and grows in power with each passing moment that she is under attack. Her abilities shift and eddy with the tides of fate and many who survive an encounter with her describe it as fighting oneself.
OF course I just reviewed 29 items so might be a little punchy by now... my bum is a bit sore from sitting and I'm sleepy.
I don't quite understand what this archetype is supposed to do. It looks like you sacrifice a spell and gain the ability to use another class's ability for the rest of the encounter? So, the oracle could gain rage, evasion, a bonus combat feat, smite evil, channel energy, a favored enemy, ki pool, eidolon, etc. etc.? Seems very, very powerful.
And it seems like you are gaining a very powerful ability by trading it for an ability that is normally a weakness (with a small benefit).
Not sure it is balanced at all.
EDIT:
Actually, it looks like you don't sacrifice a spell, you just choose not to cast a specific spell from your mystery for the rest of the encounter to gain an ability not normally granted to your class.
Yeah, the trade swap is the curse to gain the ability, but the real cost of the ability was sacrificing access to those chosen spells. Kind of during play balancing when used. It was something I hadn't seen done and sidestepped the problems of creating new mysteries or revelations. It was an experiment and would likely have undergone some serious revision had it been developed further.
On the name comments, I say it again, I am still the king of duff names!
Points for:
1: Great idea, even if I've seen it before in comics, movies or even kinda in KQ's Savant Base class.
2: I agree with comments regarding the difficulty of "archetyping" Oracles. I don't think I've seen ONE that makes me go WOW! Notoriously difficult. Props to you.
3: Very simple and doesn't tack on extraneity.
Point against:
1: Perhaps too simple. More on theme options woulda contributed a lot - like some Initiative prescience or similar...[EDIT: Perhaps swapped for Mystery spells?]
Mostly I think its perfectly Superstar potential.
A couple of you have said about the superstar potential, lol, I just need somehow to do that with an item >.<