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Due to a huge misunderstanding between myself and my former Saturday group, we've parted ways. I'm on hiatus from the group until I can organize my thoughts on what happened on my end, and more importantly how to improve my own self because of the situation. (It appears the misunderstanding was due to miscommunication, and a large chunk of that on my end. I also kind of overreacted, um, a whole lot.)
I want and feel the need to apologize for at minimum my part of the misunderstanding and lack of communication. I realize both myself and a majority of the group ended up with a fairly dire communication breakdown, and I want to take responsibility for my part of it. While I realize that I'm going to need some time--quite a bit of processing time actually--I'd like to have some thoughts on the matter to mentally chew on.
I know this community has seen many group fall-outs over the years. I tried skimming the threads on the subject, and may have just missed this, so feel free to point me elsewhere...
Is there any advice you would give on how to apologize well after a miscommunication/misunderstanding of group-breaking magnitude?
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Apologize well? Not really. The best advice I can give is to be sincere or don't bother. It might be best to give the group some time before asking to rejoin. Do you see any of them outside of the game? I always like face to face apologies better then electronic means. Nothing says sorry like a 6 pack and a bottle of Jameson.
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Actually, this took place via email.
The group involves a married couple, and we play at their house.
No actual shouting or obscenities or anything uncouth took place. Just an old fashioned disagreement due to a misunderstanding due to miscommunication. It was civil and polite for the most part. There were some statements of "I'm frustrated about X" and "I don't understand why you said Y" but no one was terribly rude.
Because I realize I messed up on my end, I'm still just trying to figure out how to approach the apology part in the best way possible.
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My advice, be sincere: when you apologize, stay away from "if"; no "if anyone was offended" or "if I had known", just a simple, "I'm sorry." If there are extenuating circumstances you might list them, but be careful not to say anymore than, "I thought X, and I'm sorry I came off as such a jackass."
Basically, don't give one of those politician style non-apology apologies.
Give a call, tell them that you would like to take them out to lunch or dinner and that you want to apologize. It's tough enough to do, and if you can take them out and apologize sincerely face to face, they will respect you and like you more for it.
If they want to make a few comments on the situation after apologizing, let them. It's your moment to listen to them and apologize again.
I've fortunately had to do this only a couple of times in my life and it was harder than String Theory. But it was better in the long run.
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Two pieces of advice:
a) Remember: You don't apologize, you ask for pardon/forgiveness. Explain yourself as good and sincere as you can and ask them to forgive what you did wrong. Accept either outcome.
b) If you don't see them, write a sincere letter or mail explaining yourself and ask for a meeting.
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Apologize sincerely, but don't expect anything else to come of it.
I would avoid saying, "For my part ..." The implication is they are wrong for "their part". Just worry about apologizing for yourself, don't try to imply that they should apologize to you as well.
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Oh, gosh no. I expect no apologies beyond mine to them.
I've played with some of these folks for almost a decade. This is just the first big falling-out I've ever had with a group, and it came down to what most fallings-out do...communication.
Communication is a matter involving more than one party, and in this case, yes, I see where I went wrong. That's all I'm trying to say with the "my part of it" stuff. Not that I'm going to, you know, beat them over the head with it. That would be bad. I messed up. That's affected the group. I want to make up for that, and at very very minimum apologize sincerely.
From some of the answers people are giving, I feel like maybe I've come off badly here in the community. Wow, I really hope not. I realize I'm not that great at inspecting every nuance of what I might possibly say, and I tend to speak off the cuff (and from the heart) a lot. Perhaps it's not coming out well.
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I realize I'm not that great at inspecting every nuance of what I might possibly say, and I tend to speak off the cuff (and from the heart) a lot.
Obviously, I don't know any of the details of this falling out, but based solely on what you've posted thus far, I think you are over thinking this too much...
If you indeed speak off the cuff and from the heart, stop thinking about every nuance and just call them up and say "I'm sorry"...
If you've known these people for almost a decade and they are reasonable individuals (and this is the first falling out you've had with them), then those two simple words alone should be more than enough to make things right...
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I don't think you're coming off poorly here, personally. I would just apologize without qualifiers. Using what you've said in the thread, something along the lines of: "I'm sorry I did [this thing]. I feel really awful about it and realize I communicated poorly and overreacted. I never meant to hurt you, and I have to apologize for what happened." In person is best, but they may not want to meet in person. Over the phone is probably better than written, and a hand written letter is better than an email, unless you feel the delay involved might be a problem (then both might be better, so they can see you took the time to write something out).
Good luck!
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"Hi Bob, this is Joe. I am sorry if anything I said or did upset you or the group. I would change things that have happened, but I can't. I hope you can forgive my error. In any event I wish you and yours all the best."
To the point. No recriminations. Just an apology and a request for forgiveness.
I hope it works out for you.
GNOME
Flip the table, set it on fire, then enjoy your Friday game! However, in all seriousness, be sincere, admit to your error, and be ready to take steps to redress the issue. Playstyle conflict can be hard to overcome, but it sounds like that is the primary issue. Take a break, let them take a break, and when you next get back together, take some time to explain your playstyle.
If they do not like it, there are three choices. Run a game their way, have them play a game your way, or agree that Munchkin and Kill Doctor Lucky might be better for your game nights. Or, alternatively, cast greataxe and establish your supremacy and rule over the table with an iron fist dripping in blood, your players chained in servitude as you drink goblet after goblet of their best cranberry juice.
For most mature people- and I assume both you and the folks you are/were gaming with are- the apology itself is the important part rather than some special way or formula for saying it.
Call 'em up, and talk to him/her about the issue.. Apologize about as best you can. Be sincere. Its the effort on your part that counts far more than the specifics of what you say. (assuming of course that you aren't insulting them or something, obviously).
I understand the agony of it- but just give them a call and apologize. "Tom, Sue, i just wanted to say that I'm sorry for what happened the other night.. I misunderstood what was said and blew it all out of proportion." or something like that.
If they have really been your buds for a decade now, that should pretty much be the end of it.
Misunderstands happen, blow ups happen, taking things the wrong way- that happens too. Just call 'em up and talk it out and apologize.
-S
I appreciate everyone's advice, as it was good advice. Thank you so much for your help! Unfortunately, my apology-fu must have been too weak to overcome Seriously Upset style. :/
Not necessarily. Now comes the hardest part. You have to give them time.
meanwhile, prepare plan B for the case no time will be enough, there must be other groups too
Just be sincere and honest in your words, dont deflect the blame or explain why you might be justified. If you are truely serious about this and think it was your fault, man up, look them in the eye and say your sorry. Offer them a hand shake and let it be at that.
If they accept, after sometime has passed, say a week or two, then ask to return to game. If they accept that, bring a peace offering ( Pizza works wonders ) and applogize to the rest of the table at the first session.
Honestly unless it got physical or you said something really crude or insulting in the name calling vein they should let it drop at that and move on. If they dont you did your best and shouldnt fall on your sword over it...part of being friends is forgiving mistakes, its actually just as important as trying not to make them in the first place.
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Thanks.
Plan B is already in place--I usually played in two groups, and Friday group is still there. It's Saturday group where the issue happened. That's not meeting for another month or two due to regular GM's work schedule.
Doesn't look like this break is repairable at this time. Guess I'll need to wait a year, try again, and see what happens.