RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9
aka Dementrius
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I was poking around my USB memory stick last night and I discovered that I had kept all seven versions of the progressive editing of my wondrous item, the starborn seeds of manifest denial which made it through to the top 32 last year. Hopefully the you’ll find the stages I went through informative on how to get through to the top 32 yourself!
1st Draft
Aura moderate abjuration; CL 11th
Slot Neck; Price 23,760 gp; Weight -
This tiny glass vial is etched with runes and hangs from a simple silver chain. The vial contains a mouthful of an unpleasant, acrid elixir. A creature drinking a bitter dose of scepticism gains a palpable and irrational cynicism about the supernatural for 11 rounds. The potency of the wearer’s denial of magic has the following effects:
The creature gains a +4 morale bonus to Will saving throws against illusions and Sense Motive checks, plus immunity to supernatural fear effects.
If the creature is charmed, its attitude towards the caster becomes indifferent rather than friendly.
The creature treats any conjuration (summoning), conjuration (creation) or evocation spell or spell-like ability targeting it as a shadow conjuration or shadow evocation as appropriate, allowing an additional Will save for diminished effectiveness as shown below:
Conjuration Spell Level Evocation Spell Level Reality 1-3 1-4 20%
4-6 5-7 60%
7-8 80%
9+ 8+ 100%
The creature automatically attempts a saving throw to negate any (harmless) spell or spell-like ability targeting it.
The liquid slowly accumulates at a rate of one dose per day as long as the vial is worn. Significant exposure to deceit fills the vial. If the wearer fails a saving throw against an illusion spell or a Sense Motive check, the vial immediately fills.
Requirements Iron Will, Improved Iron Will, globe of invulnerability, greater heroism; Cost 11,880 gp
Errors with this incarnation included:
- The item is too much like a potion
- The item has a grab-bag of too many different effects
- Terms like “significant exposure to deceit fills this vial” without specifying exactly what that means
- Table is SNAFU for messageboards and everything needs a good edit.
Note that the core mechanic of using the reverse of shadow conjuration / evocation as a defence was in there from the first draft. I personally feel that the “create an interesting mechanic” part of wondrous design is probably the most important.
2nd Draft
Slot -; Price 23,760 gp; Weight -
This finger-length stem of wrought noqual starmetal supports a gossamer sphere of pale green crystals. Once per day, the possessor can disperse the crystalline pappi of the counterfeit dandelion with a single breath. A lazily-drifting shroud of noqual surrounds the creature activating the celadon dandelion of denial, diminishing the reality of magic within for 11 rounds. This has the following effects:
The possessor gains a +4 resistance bonus to saving throws against illusions, plus immunity to supernatural fear effects.
If the possessor is charmed, its attitude towards the caster becomes indifferent rather than friendly.
The possessor treats any conjuration (summoning), conjuration (creation) or evocation spell or spell-like ability targeting it as a shadow conjuration or shadow evocation as appropriate, allowing an additional Will save for diminished effectiveness as shown below:
Conjuration Spell Level Evocation Spell Level Reality 1-3 1-4 20%
4-6 5-7 60%
7-8 80%
9+ 8+ 100%
The possessor automatically attempts a saving throw to negate any (harmless) spell or spell-like ability targeting it.
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Improved Iron Will, globe of invulnerability, greater heroism; Cost 11,880 gp
Here we get the first look at its final shape – that of an enchanted dandelion decided upon when waiting for my kids to get out of the car and staring blankly off into the grass on the side of the road.. Later on I baulked at using “dandelion” in the title because it seemed a little “wussy”.
"Celadon" came up when I was searching for synonyms for green and it stuck.
This version has basically the same effects as draft #1.
Note the use of the word “pappi” to technically describe the dandelion seeds which got edited in a later version. The reason for this edit was directly linked to the also-ran thread in 2009 when I used the term “daemon pate” to describe the top of a outsider’s skull, but it’s similarity to “pâte” caused many LOLs in the judge’s chambers. “Pappi” wasn’t going to fare much better.
Draft #3
Slot Neck; Price 23,760 gp; Weight -
This finger-length stem of glazed ceramic supports a gossamer sphere of delicate noqual crystals. The charm is worn like a brooch, and provides a +2 resistance bonus to saving throws against spells or spell-like abilities. Once per day, the possessor can disperse the counterfeit dandelion’s skymetal seeds with a single breath, a standard action that does not provoke an attack of opportunity. The luminous, languid noqual cloud surrounds and follows the possessor for 11 rounds before the seeds settle back on their stem. The cloud does not obscure sight and can be dispersed by winds as a fog cloud.
The seeds weaken the physical manifestation of magic targeting the wearer. The wearer treats any conjuration (summoning), conjuration (creation) or evocation spell targeting it as a shadow conjuration or shadow evocation as appropriate spell targeting the possessor is instead treated as an illusion (shadow) spell similar to shadow conjuration or shadow evocation. This allows a Will saving throw to disbelieve the unreal portion as shown in the table below. The possessor receives a +4 bonus to this saving throw, as if he received a warning that the effect was illusionary.
Spell Level
Evocation-----------------Conjuration(*)-----------------Illusion(**)------ -----Reality
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------1-8-----------------------0%
-------------------1-4----------------------------------------1-3---------- --------------------------9+----------------------20%
-------------------5-7----------------------------------------4-6---------- ---------------------------------------------------60%
---------------------------------------------------------------7-8--------- ----------------------------------------------------80%
-------------------8+------------------------------------------9+---------- -------------------------------------------------100%
(*) Creatures summoned by conjuration (summoning) effects deal less damage, but keep their full AC bonus and hit points.
(**) The cloud suppresses any illusion (figment, glamer, pattern or phantasm) within the wearer’s space and weakens the reality of illusion (shadow) spells by 60%.
While the cloud is in effect, the possessor must attempt a saving throw to negate any (harmless) spell cast on him.
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Improved Iron Will, globe of invulnerability; Cost 11,880 gp
Here I’ve trimmed off some of the more extraneous abilities of the item and we’re getting close to the final product. The wording needs more editing as it is still unimaginably verbose.
Draft #4
Slot Neck; Price 19,700 gp; Weight -
This finger-length stem of glazed celadon supports a gossamer sphere of delicate noqual crystals. The talisman acts as a brooch-pin, and provides a +2 resistance bonus to saving throws against spells and spell-like abilities. Once per day, the possessor can disperse the counterfeit dandelion’s skymetal seeds with a breath, a standard action that does not provoke an attack of opportunity. The luminous seeds form a languid cloud that surrounds the wearer for 11 rounds before the seeds settle back on the porcelain stem. The cloud is transparent and can be dispersed by winds as a fog cloud.
The seeds weaken physical manifestations of magic targeting the wearer, leaving only insubstantial, shadowy remnants. The wearer treats conjuration (summoning), conjuration (creation) and evocation effects as illusion (shadow) spells similar to shadow conjuration. The real proportions of spells that breach the cloud vary by spell level and are summarized in the table below. The wearer automatically disbelieves the residual illusionary portion. The seeds suppress any illusion (figment, glamer, pattern or phantasm) touched by the wearer and weaken the reality of illusion (shadow) spells by 40%.
Spell Level
Evocation---------Conjuration(*)---------Reality
------1-4-------------------1-3----------------------20%
------5-7-------------------4-6----------------------60%
-----------------------------7-8----------------------80%
-------8+--------------------9+---------------------100%
(*) Creatures summoned by conjuration (summoning) spells deal less damage to the wearer, but keep their full AC bonus and hit points.
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, globe of invulnerability, resistance, true seeing; Cost 9,850 gp
Another minor edit to move some text around and get rid of one of the footnotes.
Draft #5
Slot Neck; Price 82,000 gp; Weight -
First created for the Hermit-Emperor Losifan, Slave to the Dandelion Throne, this inscribed disc of green glazed celadon hangs from a brilliant golden chain. The fine porcelain is fired from heavy alluvial clay native to Alkenstar and the sublime, pale green color of the glaze reflects the noqual skymetal crystals blended with a closely guarded alchemical recipe. The talisman provides a +4 resistance bonus to saving throws against spells and spell-like abilities.
The seal also creates an invisible defensive sphere around the wearer that weakens physical manifestations of magic, leaving only translucent, shadowy remnants. The wearer treats conjuration (summoning), conjuration (creation) and evocation effects as illusion (shadow) spells similar to shadow conjuration. The real proportions of spells that breach the sphere vary by spell level and are summarized in the table below. The wearer automatically disbelieves the residual illusionary portion. The sphere also suppresses any illusion (figment, glamer, pattern or phantasm) touched by the wearer and weakens the reality of illusion (shadow) spells by 40%.
Spell Level
Evocation -----------------Conjuration(*) -----------Reality
----------1-4 ---------------------1-3 ---------------------- 20%
----------5-7 ---------------------4-6 ---------------------- 60%
-----------------------------------7-8 ---------------------- 80%
----------8+ ----------------------9+ --------------------- 100%
(*) Creatures summoned by conjuration (summoning) spells deal proportionally less damage to the wearer, but keep their full AC bonus and hit points.
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, globe of invulnerability, resistance, true seeing; Cost 41,000 gp
Oh no! It's all gone horribly wrong – look at the overdone backstory and horrible multi-adjective name! I was wandering around and thought “The Thirty-First Celadon Seal” had a nice ring to it. It didn’t really.
Draft #6
Slot Neck; Price 82,000 gp; Weight -
This small disc of green glazed celadon hangs from a brilliant golden chain and bears an elaborate counter-relief emblem. The fine porcelain is fired from heavy, magic-dead clay native to Alkenstar. The sublime, pale green color of the glaze derives from a blend of noqual skymetal and a closely guarded alchemical recipe.
The talisman provides a +4 resistance bonus to saving throws against spells and spell-like abilities. The seal also creates an invisible defensive sphere around the wearer that weakens physical manifestations of magic, leaving only insubstantial, shadowy remnants. The wearer treats conjuration (summoning), conjuration (creation) and evocation effects as illusion (shadow) spells similar to shadow conjuration. The real proportions of spells that breach the sphere vary by spell level and are summarized in the table below. The wearer automatically disbelieves the residual illusionary portion. The sphere suppresses any illusion (figment, glamer, pattern or phantasm) touched by the wearer and weakens the reality of illusion (shadow) spells by 40%.
Spell Level
Evocation -----------------Conjuration(*) -----------Reality
----------1-4 ---------------------1-3 ---------------------- 20%
----------5-7 ---------------------4-6 ---------------------- 60%
-----------------------------------7-8 ---------------------- 80%
----------8+ ----------------------9+ --------------------- 100%
(*) Creatures summoned by conjuration (summoning) spells deal proportionally less damage to the wearer, but keep their full AC bonus and hit points.
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, globe of invulnerability, resistance, true seeing; Cost 41,000 gp
I’ve tried to come to my senses and remove the backstory components in this version. Still tossing up between the “Seal” and the “Dandelion” aspects of the item.
FINAL
Slot Neck; Price 19,700 gp; Weight -
This finger-length stem of glazed celadon supports a gossamer sphere of delicate noqual crystals. The talisman acts as a brooch-pin, and provides a +2 resistance bonus to saving throws against spells and spell-like abilities. Once per day, the possessor can disperse the counterfeit dandelion’s skymetal seeds with a breath, a standard action that does not provoke an attack of opportunity. The luminous seeds form a languid cloud that surrounds the wearer for 11 rounds before the seeds settle back on the porcelain stem. The cloud is transparent and can be dispersed by winds as a fog cloud.
The seeds weaken physical manifestations of magic targeting the wearer, leaving only insubstantial, shadowy remnants. The wearer treats conjuration (summoning), conjuration (creation) and evocation effects as illusion (shadow) spells similar to shadow conjuration. The real proportions of spells that breach the cloud vary by spell level and are summarized in the table below. The wearer automatically disbelieves the residual illusionary portion. The seeds suppress any illusion (figment, glamer, pattern or phantasm) touched by the wearer and weaken the reality of illusion (shadow) spells by 40%.
Spell Level
Evocation---------Conjuration(*)---------Reality
------1-4-------------------1-3----------------------20%
------5-7-------------------4-6----------------------60%
-----------------------------7-8----------------------80%
-------8+--------------------9+---------------------100%
(*) Creatures summoned by conjuration (summoning) spells deal less damage to the wearer, but keep their full AC bonus and hit points.
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, globe of invulnerability, resistance, true seeing; Cost 9,850 gp
Final version as entered into RPG superstar 2010.
Nice stuff mate. Glad you didn't stop at draft 5 :-)
Hope you make it two in a row for Top 32.
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RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9
aka Dementrius
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Nice stuff mate. Glad you didn't stop at draft 5 :-)
Hope you make it two in a row for Top 32.
Cheers Matt. It was fun to go through all the stages again and wonder what I was thinking. Hopefully I can skip a few missteps this time and just go directly to the final product.
Marathon Voter Season 6
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Thank you very much for your insight into the process for an intrinsically complex but certainly wondrous item. I'm far less practiced at the process so unfortunately I'm on my nth revision at the moment (where n seems to be approaching infinity).
I'm finding getting rid of a couple of passive voice sentences very difficult. Sometimes, it just seems clearer and more economical to express certain ideas in the passive voice. To clear them up would almost mean completely tangling/untangling whole rafts of sentences.
Anyway, best of luck to a fellow Sydney-sider; hope to see some equally fine work this time around.
Best Regards
Herremann the Wise
That's great insider info! For me to do anything similar, I'd have to submit scans of my (profanity-laden) scribble notes, audio recordings of my (even more profanity-laden) brainstorming while driving/restroom/bathing/lunch breaks... This process has been extremely sloppy for me.
RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8
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Star Voter Season 6
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That's great insider info! For me to do anything similar, I'd have to submit scans of my (profanity-laden) scribble notes, audio recordings of my (even more profanity-laden) brainstorming while driving/restroom/bathing/lunch breaks... This process has been extremely sloppy for me.
I'd have to submit video of me talking to myself in the shower.
Nobody wants that.
Nobody.
It is insightful David, thank you for sharing.
I'd have to submit video of me talking to myself in the shower.Nobody wants that.
Nobody.
Sebastian might.
Only if he wants a material focus for blindness or insanity spells.Sebastian might.
I'd have to submit video of me talking to myself in the shower.Nobody wants that.
Nobody.
Surely I can't be the only one who finds it amusing that a thread about the anatomy of magical items has come to a discussion of someone in the shower...
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RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16
,
Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9
aka Dementrius
|
Surely I can't be the only one who finds it amusing that a thread about the anatomy of magical items has come to a discussion of someone in the shower...
Since the actual thread for this magic item devolved into discussions of geology porn, I'm in no way surprised.