Looking back into the 70's and 80's, what were the cheesiest S&S movies you loved? I'm talking Hawk the Slayer, The Sword & the Sorcerer, the Deathstalker series, and all that jazz.
Let's get a nice list going ....
Krull.
Spear throwing cyclops, flying fiery horses, crappy mage that only knows teleoport and polymorph self, a spinning blade thing, doppelganger women, and the bad guys are aliens with lasers shooting spears and a giant alien reptile god in a spaceship mountain...oh and 80s hair...
It's awesomely bad, and I still like it for some reason...the spider part is kind of cool.
I think the Beastmaster may be up there to.
Fizz
I wanted to include Beastmaster or Dragonslayer, but I like them both quite a lot. Are they really cheesy?
Yes they are and that's part of the reason I like them. Cheese is good sometimes. It keeps me entertained when I don't want a touching moving moment.
Tho I think when I was younger I got into Beastmaster's epic struggle and it wasn't cheese back then, but hind sights 20/20.
Fizz
Krull was awesome! I saw that movie right about the time I started playing D&D... it actaully gave me a pretty screwed up impression of what a 'glaive' was :) "Of course it does d12 damage, it can cut through walls. Oh yeah, and you can throw it and it comes back to you, really, I saw it in a movie!". I took quite a lot of arguing and a picture to convince me it was a pole-arm.
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Beastmaster cheese? NEVER. That's just good fun. I do have to say that Legend didn't hold up quite as well for me when I rewatched it. I still like the theatrical better than the director's cut, but if Beastmaster is a little cheesy fun, Legend could have used a touch more cheese. Serious only worked for the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Also worthy of mention, Wrath of the Dragon God. I was shocked and surprised at how entertaining this direct-to-video sequel was.
I wanted to include Beastmaster or Dragonslayer, but I like them both quite a lot. Are they really cheesy?Yes they are and that's part of the reason I like them. Cheese is good sometimes. It keeps me entertained when I don't want a touching moving moment.
Tho I think when I was younger I got into Beastmaster's epic struggle and it was cheese back then, but hind sights 20/20.
Fizz
Krull was awesome! I saw that movie right about the time I started playing D&D... it actaully gave me a pretty screwed up impression of what a 'glaive' was :) "Of course it does d12 damage, it can cut through walls. Oh yeah, and you can throw it and it comes back to you, really, I saw it in a movie!". I took quite a lot of arguing and a picture to convince me it was a pole-arm.
The glaive is also the name of a short sword in french, used by gauls, similar to a gladius.
The glaive is also the name of a short sword in french, used by gauls, similar to a gladius.
Cool, maybe the word just means 'blade', whether its attached to a handle or a long stick. It's really too bad this weapon was never in D&D though. Who wouldn't want a giant, psychically controlled throwing star?
What would also be cool (in life and the game)... if getting married turned you into a living flame-thrower.
Hawk the Slayer definately gets my vote - the dialogue alone was seved with a HUGE slice of cheese
Drogo: I am no messenger. But I will give you a message. The message of DEATH!
Priceless.
As for the best - tough one, but I have a fond love of the LOTR animated and Dragonslayer.
Does Stardust qualify? Hummer-shaped carriages, nekkid sorceresses, and whiny celestial bodies.
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Conan the Barbarian. It is so over-the-top, it would be a hard "R" rating even by todays standards. Every time I watch it, I get sucked in and watch Destroyer as well.
This line should sum up the movie:
"Conan, what is best in life?"
"To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women."
I hated Conan the Destroyer for a long time. I felt it really failed as a sequel to the first movie. But fairly recently (last couple of years), I have changed my mind about it. Instead of thinking of it as a pathetic sequel, I instead started thinking of it as a great "D&D" movie. In that context it was quite enjoyable. I no longer curse to myself, "Why did they put in this stupid thief Malak instead of keeping Subotai who was awesome!? Grace Jones! Come on!" Now I say to myself, "Hey look at the stereotypical CN theif, awesome! Female barbarian throw your spear through the evil priest!" By the way I like the extended cut of Conan the Barbarian.
I would also add 13th Warrior, not much sorcery but a great sword movie. Excalibur? Troy? King Arthur?
Those films are all gems (well, except for Krull) when compared to the cheesy horribleness of The Barbarians!
In my opinion, "The Sword and the Sorcerer" ("La spada a tre lame", i.e. "The Three-Bladed Sword" in Italian) is BOTH the best and cheesiest of them all. Pulpy and chicky to the extreme.
And the evil lord is named "Titus" ("Tito" in Italian) just like me.
AND the evil lord's chancellor is named "Machelli"!!! Machiavelli?!? Yaaah!!!
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I'm glad someone mentioned Hawk the Slayer. I rented it recently, and my 10 year old son loved it. The effects are utterly painful.
As I recall, there was also a pilot made for a series in the 70s that was very D&D -- the hero had a bow, and the recurring villan had a jeweled gauntlet. Great thief character in it "I can't die ... I've never been fat yet!". The Archer: Fugitive from the Empire!
Here's the trailer! http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?publishedid=3566
The Warrior and the Sorceress starring David Carradine was pretty cheesy. There are also some rather interesting movies to come out of Hong Kong such as Zu:Warriors From the Magic Mountain starring Sammo Hung. Sure, some of the special effects are little more than creatively used neon lights, but they are fun movies.
I'm glad someone mentioned Hawk the Slayer. I rented it recently, and my 10 year old son loved it. The effects are utterly painful.
As I recall, there was also a pilot made for a series in the 70s that was very D&D -- the hero had a bow, and the recurring villan had a jeweled gauntlet. Great thief character in it "I can't die ... I've never been fat yet!". The Archer: Fugitive from the Empire!
Here's the trailer! http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?publishedid=3566
Woah. Really old memory there. i Remember that one. The Archer did make it into a series i believe, it was at least 1 season? wow. /feels old
i remember liking it ;)
Ladyhawke!
Seconded.
Best, by far, is Princess Bride, although it was a little short on sorcery.
Well, they did raise a guy from the (mostly) dead...
Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger. I just love the boy-genie's lines, and some others.
Come on, everyone! Let's summon a child-genie...From the land beyond, beyond....
Harryhausen movies are so damn fun though!
You are thinking of The 7th Voyage of Sinbad.
Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger had the troglodyte guy with the horn, the golden minotaur golem, the prince shapeshifted into a baboon, and the woman with the seagull foot and she took over a sabertooth tiger at the end.
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Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger. I just love the boy-genie's lines, and some others.
Come on, everyone! Let's summon a child-genie...From the land beyond, beyond....
Harryhausen movies are so damn fun though!You are thinking of The 7th Voyage of Sinbad.
Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger had the troglodyte guy with the horn, the golden minotaur golem, the prince shapeshifted into a baboon, and the woman with the seagull foot and she took over a sabertooth tiger at the end.
Ah, you are correct sir! I was watching the whole box-set recently for inspiration and I mixed up my movies.
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Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger. I just love the boy-genie's lines, and some others.
Come on, everyone! Let's summon a child-genie...From the land beyond, beyond....
Harryhausen movies are so damn fun though!You are thinking of The 7th Voyage of Sinbad.
Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger had the troglodyte guy with the horn, the golden minotaur golem, the prince shapeshifted into a baboon, and the woman with the seagull foot and she took over a sabertooth tiger at the end.
Lets not forget the Golden Voyage of sinbad. YOu know, the one with the scary one eyed centaur and the goofy griffin?
Gotta love those old sinbad flicks.
for that matter, lets toss in Jason and the Argonauts for the Harryhausen win. That's the cheesiest Hercules I've ever seen. My granny could whoop his scrawny butt.
Clash of the Titans
+1 for Ladyhawke.
Also, Red Sonja is waaay cheesier than both Conan movies, combined.
Anything with Kevan Sorbo or Lucy Lawless or directed by Uwe Boll probably automatically qualifies.
I've seen "Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell"
tossed around before, but haven't actually seen the movie, so can't really say if it rates one way or another. However the title alone is +10 (epic).
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Add me as another vote for The Sword and the Sorcerer ... "See me Alana, as I truly am ...." I don't think you can find Velveeta any creamier than this.
I'm glad someone mentioned Hawk the Slayer. I rented it recently, and my 10 year old son loved it. The effects are utterly painful.
As I recall, there was also a pilot made for a series in the 70s that was very D&D -- the hero had a bow, and the recurring villan had a jeweled gauntlet. Great thief character in it "I can't die ... I've never been fat yet!". The Archer: Fugitive from the Empire!
Here's the trailer! http://www.videodetective.com/titledetails.aspx?publishedid=3566
Woah. Really old memory there. i Remember that one. The Archer did make it into a series i believe, it was at least 1 season? wow. /feels old
i remember liking it ;)
Oh jeez- I have hawk the slayer- great stuff- Jack Palance chews up every scene and superballs, dry ice and hula hoops are artifacts of sorcerous might!
Back home, The Archer was sold as The Archer and the Sorceress- gotta love the reusing of the masks from V for the lizardmen.We were luckier in that we had Robin of Sherwood, not strictly Sword and Sorcery, though there were both liberally sprinkled about- the two parter about the satanic Nuns looking to conjure the Devil was a doozy.
My own personal picks:
Lou Ferrigno as Hercules (the guy from Jason and the Argonauts was waaay better the poor old Lou, even as a kid in the cinema, I felt jipped). Has to have the worst fake beards ever.
And lets not forget Ator, the Fighting Eagle , a triumph of cinema shot mostly in quarrys and on golf courses.
And to wrap up, Wizards and Warriors and The Powers of Matthew Star served as my media introduction to RPGs (gods help me).
The Barbarians, starring Peter and David Paul.
Strange that I was never in any way aware of this.
Hasn't made my life better.
My own personal picks:
Lou Ferrigno as Hercules (the guy from Jason and the Argonauts was waaay better the poor old Lou, even as a kid in the cinema, I felt jipped). Has to have the worst fake beards ever.
And lets not forget Ator, the Fighting Eagle , a triumph of cinema shot mostly in quarrys and on golf courses.
And to wrap up, Wizards and Warriors and The Powers of Matthew Star served as my media introduction to RPGs (gods help me).
Awww man - truely awesome gems here - any one of them could top the cheese-o-meter.
Firbolg, you are a cheesemonger extraordinare - I salute you.
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Willow, Ladyhawke and Dragonslayer don't count as cheesy, IMO, but do count as best. All are awesome and I still watch them from time to time.
Krull and the Sword & the Sorcerer, on the other hand, yikes.
I remember the Archer: Fugitive from the Thin I Can't Spell (Interregnum?) TV show. I wanted that bow so badly!
The Barbarians, starring Peter and David Paul.
Super cheesiness and not much bestness here, but at least the director is Italian (or BECAUSE the director is Italian, you never know).
My own personal picks:
Lou Ferrigno as Hercules (the guy from Jason and the Argonauts was waaay better the poor old Lou, even as a kid in the cinema, I felt jipped). Has to have the worst fake beards ever.
And lets not forget Ator, the Fighting Eagle , a triumph of cinema shot mostly in quarrys and on golf courses.
And to wrap up, Wizards and Warriors and The Powers of Matthew Star served as my media introduction to RPGs (gods help me).Awww man - truely awesome gems here - any one of them could top the cheese-o-meter.
Firbolg, you are a cheesemonger extraordinare - I salute you.
<bows slightly>
thank you- a life without cheese is a life hardly worth living|
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My own personal picks:
Lou Ferrigno as Hercules (the guy from Jason and the Argonauts was waaay better the poor old Lou, even as a kid in the cinema, I felt jipped). Has to have the worst fake beards ever.
And lets not forget Ator, the Fighting Eagle , a triumph of cinema shot mostly in quarrys and on golf courses.
And to wrap up, Wizards and Warriors and The Powers of Matthew Star served as my media introduction to RPGs (gods help me).
What about "Hercules in New York?" That one had Arnold Schwartzenager as Hercules, and his voice was dubbed.
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Yeah - it took a miracle... and it did seem as if they had a pain extractor...Best, by far, is Princess Bride, although it was a little short on sorcery.Well, they did raise a guy from the (mostly) dead...
It wasn't a pain extractor, it was a life extractor. And I never said there was no sorcery. It did make Fred Savage like kissing books after all.
What about "Hercules in New York?" That one had Arnold Schwartzenager as Hercules, and his voice was dubbed.My own personal picks:
Lou Ferrigno as Hercules (the guy from Jason and the Argonauts was waaay better the poor old Lou, even as a kid in the cinema, I felt jipped). Has to have the worst fake beards ever.
And lets not forget Ator, the Fighting Eagle , a triumph of cinema shot mostly in quarrys and on golf courses.
And to wrap up, Wizards and Warriors and The Powers of Matthew Star served as my media introduction to RPGs (gods help me).
Ah, you see Hercules goes the New York, aka. Hercules goes Bananas in Europe, was played for laughs- Poor old Lou appears to think he's in a real movie...
Warlock!
Julian Sands at his creepiest and Withnail for cryin out loud.
Mazes n Monsters
Well, at least you now know how NOT to play DnD. And its got Wudy the Wabbit! (I liked a lot of Makepeace's stuff back in the day.)
Freaks n Geeks episode
Not exactly the same, but still interesting to watch.
I'm glad someone mentioned Hawk the Slayer. I rented it recently, and my 10 year old son loved it. The effects are utterly painful.
Painful? Yes. But the best damn D&D movie out there! Annoying elf. Silly inter-party banter. Cheesy villain. All the classic elements of a D&D game.
I proudly own it on DVD.My wife thinks, nay, KNOWS I'm nuts.
Julian Sands at his creepiest and Withnail for cryin out loud.Mazes n Monsters
Well, at least you now know how NOT to play DnD. And its got Wudy the Wabbit! (I liked a lot of Makepeace's stuff back in the day.)Freaks n Geeks episode
Not exactly the same, but still interesting to watch.
AHHH!
Kassandra with a K!Any show that features the Amish hunting witches gets my vote- makes up for "Witness"
I'm still beset by nostalgia for UK kids fantasy TV- seriously dark stuff, and well written too:
Into the Labyrinth
Children of the Stones
Ace of Wands
Arthur of the Britons