Ecology of the Munchkin
An Essay by Blackdragon MD (Munchkin Destroyer)
Of all the most curious creatures encountered in the D&D world, the Munchkin is the most vile of them all. Not to be confused with the Power Gamer, an obvious mistake, sometimes even causing the Munchkin to mistake themselves for one of these powerful creatures.
What is a Munchkin? Many people have tried to define the affliction known as Munchkinism. Some believe it is transmitted by bite like lycanthropy, or from drinking from the same Mountain Dew bottle as the Munchkin. This is not the case. A Munchkin is easily spotted at the gaming table. When asked their characters name, or background, they stumble over it. They have little information as to the characters history, and if they have a physical description, it will sound eerily similar to the last character they ran. They will proclaim themselves true Roleplayers, but they cannot live up to the conduct and tactic of these noble creatures. Ask a Munchkin about their character, they will excitedly tell you about all the stuff that they have! The Feats and Skills that they have stacked together in ways that WotC had never dreamed of (or intended). They will talk about all of the loopholes that they have found in the rules and how they argue the letter of the rules while knowing full well, the spirit of the rules intends no such thing. They will equip their characters with equipment that is contrary to their class, and not even flinch at the thought of using cursed Magical Items and Artifacts if it gives them a better plus (after all, when this character dies, what was his name again? They can make up another one that looks just like him to take the dead ones stuff.) They will know everything about every monster that the party encounters, even if the character has never seen it. They will bully or bluff every NPC that they encounter, killing them if that fails. They will insist on playing Chaotic Neutral characters so that they feel that they don’t have to take any responsibility for their actions.
Munchkins will tend to have at least five classes and prestige classes, and be able to function as a one man party. They will rust to the front to push a higher level character out of the way to take their action. They will take other players ideas and claim that they were their own. They will open a door, setting off a trap, and then argue with the DM that they were out in the hall (Even though their mini is in the door.) They will be the first to loot (sometimes even when the fight is still raging around them) and all of their characters will have some type of a thief class (including their Paladins).
Now I know you’re asking; How do I know if I’m a Munchkin? Here are a few simple questions to help you figure it out.
1. If you cover the names on your character sheets of five of your characters, can you tell them apart?
2. Can the person next to you tell your characters apart?
3. Can you name your characters favorite type of weapon without saying ‘ The one with the most pluses”?
4. Is you character a 10th level fighter/ mage/cleric/priest/thief, with eight psionic wild talents?
5. Have you ever tried to run a Were Tarasque half fiend half dragon, rune carved offspring of Bahmut and Asmodeus?
6. Have you ever killed a dragon in one hit?
7. Have you ever killed Tiamat with one hit?
8. Have you ever killed Tiamat with one hit using Stormbringer, because Excalibur and Thor’s hammer were too hard to get out of your Bag of Holding?
9. Have you ever fought a Deity and lived?
10. Have you ever killed a Deity in one hit?
11. Have you ever researched the spell ‘Karsuss’ Folly’?
12. Have you ever thought it would have a hope in hell of working?
These are just a few ways of figuring out if you are a Munchkin. If you are a Roleplayer, and come across one of these foul creatures. Quickly step on it’s head before it can infect any of the other players at the table. The only natural enemy that a Munchkin is that omnipotent god-creature known as the Dungeon Master.
A good Dm knows to spay or neuter their Munchkins. Accidents lead to unwanted people.
pure
comedy
gold
Hey, I know someone just like that. Is there anything we can do to help him Dr. Blackdragon?
Alas, there is no known cure for Munchkinism. There have been several experiments in which infected munchkins have been treated, but given that Munchkins are immune to everything, the only thing that has been effective is a good sharp vorple sword. My suggestion is to take your munchkin to the local vet and have them Sterilized before they breed.
thank you BD all this time i thought i was a munchkin, i had to hit tiamat 2 times before she went down.
I survived a fight with a Goddess, But in my defence, SHE STARTED IT...
This has to be the funniest post I have EVER SEEN!!!! ROFL!
But yet at the same time I am sad...for you said there is no cure. And I have a serious munchkin problem. (I think he knows every single rule in the game)Thank you for the greatest laugh I have had in a long time!
And No More Prunes, what goddess was that?
Gubbaffet~The best gnome.
There is a cure!
Like with everything true in the multiverse, it has three parts.
1) Like with a toddler, or puppy perhaps, tell them No. Not no, or nope, or maybe, or even know, but No. Twice. Or more. Then rub their nose in it. Twice. At least. Remember, No means No.
2) Show them that the rules are mere semantics, as are their arguements. Explain, at length, that there is no winner. That the game is not about who kicks out the most damage, collects the most stuff, or kills the most deific avatars.* Ask them is they, in fact, know their role.
3)Show them that, in the end, their role is to play, or as the in-the-know refer to as Roleplay. Show them that this role is cooperative, not competitive. Let them meet the other players, with whom they have been playing for months, if not years. Pray the other players are not munchkins as well.** Have them shake hands. Do not share the Mountain Dew.
These three steps are in fact cyclical. The first time you go 'round the ring, the munchkin, noticing that others play the game too, may well realize that one of the other characters has a magic item that they want. Bar brawls are not always a bad thing. After the smoke settles, repeat Step 1.
For those of you keeping track, this public service announcement has followed the three Rules of Existance. Never, and I repeat Never, let these rules fall into the wrong hands, especially those of a munchkin.
*Always remember, God's don't have stats, or hit points, or any need of a Str score. Their avatars do. Killing an Avatar, while quite a feat, only ticks off the deity in question. Ticking off a god is ill advised, because they have, among other things, other avatars. Also, if you ever plan on exploring the planes, avoid the realms of any deities that you have managed to tick off.*** Inside their realm, they don't need a reason, or even a method, to do bad, bad things to those who have ticked them off.
**If this is your situation, it is time to find a new group. Sorry, but Munchkins in numbers are highly dangerous, even to a DM.
***DM's, please laugh maniacally as you plan an adventure around retriving Hextor's Hanky of Nasty Smiting from his realm on Ba'ator, and watching your players squirm as they deal with the Tyrant god's wroth.
This also happens to be the cure for the Rules Lawyer, though they are also a hard nut to crack.
Anarch of *
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My suggestion is to take your munchkin to the local vet and have them Sterilized before they breed.
Oooohhh! Too Late. He has two kids, and by now they should be close to being teenagers. Is this condition hereditary? Are his kids destined to be munchkins if they ever game? Oh the Horror. Aaaaarrrgghhhh.....
This has to be the funniest post I have EVER SEEN!!!! ROFL!
And No More Prunes, what goddess was that?
Gubbaffet~The best gnome.
A home brew evil dragon god the character was a munchkin's delight my best friend was a dragon. And please call me Prunes.