Here is the 2nd adventure query that got rejected today:
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"Preliminary Research"
I really like this, I'd want to play this for certain if we were running Eberon.
> James wrote that he liked this one, but that it was too similar to something else in the works. So thats not bad, the idea didn't suck at least.
You can't for a better rejection than that! Now it's interesting to keep an eye for what pipped it to the post.
....Second, while you have Eberron references (a warforged, Blood of Vol, etc) this really doesn't feel like an Eberron adventure. I don't know if I can explain it, though. I guess the best way to explain it is this: I can take all the Eberron elements you have in here, and in five minutes replace them with generic stuff; and this won't really impact the feel of the adventure. *shrug* I don't know if that's making any sense.
....Is this a word I'm not familiar with? You use it several times, both as part of a name ("...the ruins of Castel Borghese.") as well as by itself ("The Castel is an old..."). MS Word certainly doesn't like it (though that doesn't mean much).
1. Yeah, it didn't really have the Eberron feel. It was more of a generic adventure that got Eberron elements tacked on since I was writing other Eberron adventures at the time.
This adventure was the first one I sent in, and it was more of a trial run. I was playing around with the query format, and I basically didn't want to "waste" a good idea on the first try.
2. Castel is just another version of Castle, it's an old pronounciation. I just like the "old world" feel of it.
Anyways, thanks for the feedback.
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I like the pickpocket stuff; one thing you didn't go into (and I understand space is a consideration) is what if the pickpocket is successful? How can the PCs get back the instructions?
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--John
Well, that was actually a bit of a typo that got past my proofreader & I <oops>
The party is supposed to recieve multiple copies of the instructions. Elegost didn't want to risk anything, like the one person with the map getting eaten by a sabertooth titan :-)
Anyone mind if I archive their Query onto the Wiki?
http://subculture.teknohippy.com
Sure, you can use any of mine that I post here. Just same as Zherog, as long as my name stays attached to it.
Hmm.... I was re-reading both of the rejected queries while working on a new query, and I discovered something that I missed the first time, and that no one has commented on yet.
Length is definitly an issue for Preliminary Research, as it clocks in at 1211 words. The Bandits query was just under 1000 words.
While I broke the 1000 words max rule, I did keep it all on two pages in a readable font/size (Times New Roman/10). James Sutter didn't comment on this, but I doubt that going over the word count was a good thing.
So this is a habit I'll have to try and break. (Oddly enough, my query that made it past the Gatekeeper was 1222 words.)
Sure, you can use any of mine that I post here. Just same as Zherog, as long as my name stays attached to it.Anyone mind if I archive their Query onto the Wiki?
I'll go though and pick them out tonight. It being just midday for me right now :)
Once I'm done come have a look and tweak them if need be. Editing a page is a simple matter of double clicking, no passwords or accounts needed.
Talion09-
Wow! Both of these are really good. The other posters have showed the minor minor things that you could change a little and you got the one thing that I was going to add about running over the 1000 cap. jeez! I can't think of much else to add except I think in "Prelim Research" there would be more than 8000 words needed. The stat blocks would need to be full-on for almost everything except the lizardfolk grunts and the chuul. Plus everything else. Not sure if the ed's look at the estimates and if they judge it to be too far over/under and that knocks points off the proposal's "grade".
I liked the way you listed the hooks in "Prelim" better than the other story, I don't think they would have knocked it too much for adding the 'PCs run into this adventure' hook...it's pretty much a given hook, though, and that could have saved you a sentence or so to detail something else.
Someone wrote (in the 'black hole' thread, I think) that it was going to get tough to be accepted into the mag because of the recent 'upping' of the level of competency in the proposals sent in, and these definitely prove that statement. good on ya, mate!
Oh, and tecknohippy, go ahead and post my proposals on yer wiki, but you are going to have a hard time finding one of the proposals...it disappeared into the etherverse!
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I can't think of much else to add except I think in "Prelim Research" there would be more than 8000 words needed. The stat blocks would need to be full-on for almost everything except the lizardfolk grunts and the chuul. Plus everything else. Not sure if the ed's look at the estimates and if they judge it to be too far over/under and that knocks points off the proposal's "grade".
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Thanks for the feedback and encouragement.
Looking back at my notes for Preliminary Research, I was a little low on the estimated word count. I had figured out how many encounters, did the rough math and then added the reccomended 1000 words on top for the intro, scaling, etc.
I didn't take the custom/non-core stat blocks into account, which would probably bump it up closer to 10 000.
This one was a long shot, but the idea just captivated me (I can be whimsical from time to time :) ). Sutter's comments left me chuckling, and me made a point that I thought I'd share with other folks who read this thread so his rejection follows at the end.
"Just Right"
A little girl, an orphan named Goldie, has gotten lost in the woods. Her guardian, Siris Tam, a wizard so formal and dignified he could serve as the local undertaker, needs someone to find her and bring her home safely. The problem, he explains to the party -one of many as it turns out- is that Goldie is a "very special little girl", whose temper tantrums sometimes leave blasted craters in their wake. Her still unexplained magical abilities give off their own sort of trail, allowing those equipped with specially treated glasses to see her blue, glowing footprints even days later. Tam has a pair of these glasses, and he offers them to the PCs to help with the search.
Format
"Just right" is a low-level adventure, intended for 4th level characters though it should prove fairly simple to scale for levels 2nd to 6th. I expect it to be about 9000 words and to require three maps (the woods, the ankheg warren and the cottage).
What's really going on
Siris Tam, a necromancer (7th), is not exactly what you would call a nice man, and Goldie, his modified and augmented slaymate (CR 6) is even worse. On the surface a delightful little girl she conceals an undead heart roiling with malice and a loathing for the living. Far more intelligent than most of her kind she fled from Tam in hopes of striking out on her own, eventually finding a home with a trio of advanced bugbears. (Once the PCs realize they are in the middle of "Goldilocks and the Three Bugbears" the dice, and the popcorn might fly, making the final reveal all the more memorable. :) )
Tam has a way of regaining control over Goldie, but he wants to send some dupes in first to make sure she uses up her more dangerous spell-like abilities (that's were the PCs come in). Unfortunately for Tam, Goldie is expecting such a trick -although it did work the last time she escaped- and she plans to turn the tables on him by playing the role of a precocious child when the rescuers arrive. Albeit a child with strange magical abilities, who while never explicitly stated, likely killed her parents by accident, and suffers from the trauma even now.
Adventure Outline
The PCs head off into the woods, following Goldie's trail, the spectacles causing her footprints to glow with a cold blue, almost like that of moonlight. As they travel through the forest they gain some hints about Goldie's true nature, perhaps enough to give them a bit of a warning, otherwise they learn the hard way. They soon come upon a crater, caused by one of Goldie's detonations (actually a kind of negative energy blast, heals undead, hurts most other living creatures, part of her CR 6 upgrade from the regular slaymate) when she was grabbed by an ankheg. They drop into the tunnels revealed by the blast and continue following her trail, dealing with the three surviving ankhegs as they make their way through the winding passages. From there they pass through the hunting grounds of a pair of centaur hunters, who only know something shredded their trap and escaped before they could get a good look at it. Unless the PCs are spoiling for a fight this encounter should not lead to bloodshed. The trail then leads to a ruined church that is home to gargoyle and an ettercap (with some spider helpers) who have formed an unlikely alliance. The gargoyle simply reveling in the joy of mayhem and the ettercap always in the market for new meat find their mutual goals compatible. Despite this they recognized a kindred spirit with Goldie and gave her a wide berth.
Eventually, the PCs arrive at the end of the trail, a cottage and a few other buildings home to a trio of advanced bugbears and their pet brown bear. Glose (Rng 3), Taze (Rog 2) and Brant (Ftr 1) regard Goldie as a good luck charm and are completely under her influence. They won't give her up without a fight, and since the PCs must treat her as a hostage (e.g. no setting fire to the cottage) the standoff could demand some tactical skill as well as combat prowess.
Once Goldie is "rescued" the PCs head for home, not realizing the Siris Tam has been monitoring them all along through the glasses they used to track her. As they draw near he, along with some zombies and skeletons under his command, stage a raid in an attempt to get Goldie back. This sets the stage for a final confrontation and the big reveal when Goldie's true nature comes to the forefront.
Dear Hal,
Normally this would be a form letter, but dude. Dude. While I
appreciate your moxie in pitching it, "Goldilocks" (even the undead
director's cut) isn't something we can run. In general, our space for
goofy adventures is extremely small, and as you admit in the piece,
this one's kind of a groaner. : P Keep the pitches coming, just be
warned that we're far more likely to take serious pieces with goofy
twists (for example, I loved your Magic Mushrooms CW) than flat-out
joke adventures. Thanks!
ROFL!
That's awesome, Hal! That Sutter guy has no sense of humor! :P :P
if something was liked but gets rejected because it's too similar to something else coming up, i'd say wait until that something comes up, tweak your query a bit as needed, and then send it in maybe a few months later to let the newness of the similar thing wear away.
if something was liked but gets rejected because it's too similar to something else coming up, i'd say wait until that something comes up, tweak your query a bit as needed, and then send it in maybe a few months later to let the newness of the similar thing wear away.
I actually "stole" a few of the elements from elements of my Preliminary Research query to use in another query. The new one is a lower level adventure (2nd).
I'm kinda sitting on it right now after getting it back from my proofreader, since I've had a few too many real-world complications lately to spend a lot of time writing. (A new job, pregnant wife and home renovations haven't left me a lot of spare time the last couple of months, and my playing D&D has taken precedence over my Dungeon queries, lol But I should have some new ones completed soon.)
Does anyone else have any queries to post?
Below is a proposal I submitted last year. It made it past the Render but was rejected at committee. I'd love to hear anyone's feedback or criticism -- on either style or content.
Working Title: “A Little Knowledge”
Length: 6,000 words, two maps
Character Level: 4th
Key Features:
§ A Forgotten Realms city adventure for 4th-level characters
§ An engaging puzzle, described in detail below; solving it is not required to complete the adventure, but instead changes the order of climactic encounters
§ A battle inside a rapidly sinking ship against its animated figurehead
§ A battle inside a spy’s manse against a tiefling priestess and her zombie aviary
§ Optional Channath Vale link to February’s 5th-level WotC adventure Red Hand of Doom
In Waterdeep, knowledge is the most valuable of commodities, spies and bards its leading merchants and craftsmen. Poet and noble, Yorg Raventree, knows a name he wishes he could forget: an agent of the Lords of Waterdeep who has allegedly infiltrated the Xanathar's Guild. Freelance spy, Jezzara, covets that name. If The Xanathar gets wind of this infiltrator, it will murder and torture to learn his identity. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing indeed.
Yorg (human Bard 4) has sent a missive to the PCs requesting a meeting. However, Jezzara (tiefling Cleric 6) has kidnapped him and now holds him in a rotting greatship anchored below New Olamn. She has retired to her home to negotiate sale of this intelligence to the Xanathar's Guild via an intermediary. (The 'infiltrator' is actually disinformation planted by the Shadow Thieves to cultivate mistrust among their rivals. PCs who ask the right questions may ultimately deduce this.)
As the adventure begins, Yorg sends a whispering wind to the city, its words disguised to get past his jailer, the ship’s figurehead. The words fool the construct, but Jezzara’s air mephit lackey senses the unnatural zephyr. Suspicious, it leads its brothers in pursuit. Instead of meeting with Yorg, the PCs hear the following stilted poem, and are set upon by mephits:
“Your grave entries Hell doubts idol Amn knew,
A border force ails in kingship before,
The Master sent rewards of flesh and blood.
Reiterate inebriatedly.”
The poem is a homophone puzzle. The sounds remain the same, but slurring the words together, and laying stresses to match the rhythm of the poem ("de-dum, de-dum, de-dum, de-dum, de-dum” – e.g. the stress in "idol" should be on “ol” not on "id"), reveals a hidden message:
“Yorg Raventree's held outside Olamn New,
Aboard a four-sail, sinking ship, before
The mast. A sentry wards off flesh and blood.”
If the players, or PCs (via skill checks), do not decode the message, investigating other clues leads to Jezzara’s manse, and from there to the greatship. Puzzle-oriented players can continue to work on the poem while others lead the investigation. Alternatively, Yorg’s New Olamn tutor seeks and hires PCs who do not pursue either lead of their own accord. If liberated, Yorg urges the PCs to accost Jezzara (if they have not done so already) before the existence of the Lords’ agent leaks to the Xanathar's Guild.
Depending on how decisively the PCs act, news of the infiltrator may spread. If so, The Xanathar will soon strike. Yorg (and the PCs, if they charm or intimidate Yorg’s secret out of him) might be safer escaping Waterdeep for a while. Among Jezzara’s effects is a portal key she uses for her annual pilgrimage to Blaskaltar. The portal leads to Rethmar in Channath Vale, ideal for a hasty exit just ahead of the Xanathar's Guild.
Major Foes: Air, Dust and Ice Mephits, Huge Animated Object, Tiefling Clr7 of Akadi
Rewards: +1 glamered mithral shirt, mithral heavy shield, masterwork sickle, 1,500gp of duskwood, 300gp of art, 500gp in rewards
Below is a proposal I submitted last year. It made it past the Render but was rejected at committee. I'd love to hear anyone's feedback or criticism -- on either style or content.
Working Title: “A Little Knowledge”
Length: 6,000 words, two maps
Character Level: 4thKey Features:
§ A Forgotten Realms city adventure for 4th-level characters
§ An engaging puzzle, described in detail below; solving it is not required to complete the adventure, but instead changes the order of climactic encounters
§ A battle inside a rapidly sinking ship against its animated figurehead
§ A battle inside a spy’s manse against a tiefling priestess and her zombie aviary
§ Optional Channath Vale link to February’s 5th-level WotC adventure Red Hand of Doom
That sounded great!
I have a feeling that the Waterdeep Trilogy in Dungeon last year weighed against having a 4th adventure set in Waterdeep.
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Jet Black: Captivating Works of Art
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PLOT
A female artisan, Matrissa by name, has recently taken the Darokin art world by surprise. Rumors of her talent and skill for creating magnificent stone busts have spread throughout the city. She works only in jet and produces pieces of such exquisite detail and quality that none like them have been seen in recent history. Exactly four of her works are on display at a local art shop in the City of Darokin (the capital of the Republic) and, in a few days time, are to be auctioned off to the highest bidder. No other examples of her work are known and speculation on the eventual value of her art is high – even among many individuals who do not normally follow the fads and fancies of the art world....
Matrissa is a kind and charming host when the PC’s approach her but behind the pleasant exterior and a secret door or two, she hides a dark secret in the depths beneath her richly appointed manor. This dark beauty is a powerful, and evilly deranged, mage who captures and imprisons the beautiful and visually interesting so they may serve as “models” for her works of art. Matrissa keeps her prisoners locked away in a well-secluded dungeon, right next to a private "menagerie" where she keeps various unusual monsters, including a Shockingly Black Cockatrice.
The Shockingly Black Cockatrice is identical to the standard Cockatrice except for the following: its feathers and scales are a metallic gloss-black and it turns its victims into pure jet instead of ordinary stone. Whenever Matrissa decides to create a new sculpture, she uses various combinations of magic and mundane torture to "arrange" a model and then introduces them into the cockatrice's cage. Once turned to jet, she recovers the victim and, usually, cuts off the head and shoulders to produce one of her exquisitely beautiful busts.
Matrissa, did you get a comment from the editors on why this was rejected? I was just reading through Dungeon #68 and recalled this submission you had posted. I haven't see anyone else mention this, but if the editors were familiar with this issue published in 1998 (I assume they have to be at least passingly familiar with previously published adventures to avoid repeats), there's an adventure called "The Artist's Loving Touch" with a very similar premise that probably would've killed your proposal regardless. (Petrification gloves instead of a cockatrice, but otherwise...) So you probably never had a shot with this particular idea; I don't know if that makes you feel better. :)
Here's one I got back from the last submission meeting. Any and all feedback is appreciated!
GXI
“Panthophobia” is an Eberron adventure for a party of 1st-3rd level adventurers. While characters of any class will be suitable, a cleric and a bard will be extremely helpful. The adventure is approximately 9,000 words and has 6 maps.
A never before seen virus is brutally ravaging Sharn’s population. While clerics of the Sovereign Host and members of House Jorasco struggle to combat it, the virus’ creator waits patiently for the infection to wipe out the city. This man, Arlad Dacks, is a monk/cleric dedicated to the Mockery, who was thrown out of his temple when the other monks could no longer tolerate his incessant phobias. Dacks hopes that by killing off Sharn’s populace in the Mockery’s name he will be allowed to return to his temple.
The PCs are recruited by clerics of the Sovereign Host to investigate the cause of the disease. The clerics tell them that the first victims came to Sharn via First Tower, and they all ate chicken while they were there. The players travel to First Tower and learn that a strange man was seen feeding the chickens dark green berries. By making Gather Information checks, the players learn that these berries only grow in a certain marsh nearby, so they continue their investigation there.
Upon reaching the marsh, the PCs discover a sanctum where Dacks conducts his work. Being paranoid, he split his research across four sanctums, confident that the puzzle rooms protecting each one would keep intruders out. Since Dacks is athazagoraphobic (afraid of forgetting things) he has left a reminder in certain sanctums to help him bypass the puzzles. In this sanctum, the PCs enter a large foyer with a doorway leading to an antechamber. The doorway is blocked by a permanent wall of force. Tucked into an alcove in the foyer is a set of six 4” tall figurines, each of which stands on an octagonal base. The set consists of a dwarf, a werewolf, a gnome, a human paladin of the Silver Flame, a kobold and an orc. Adjacent to the figurines is a pedestal with two octagonal depressions in its center. Etched into the pedestal is the following riddle: “Mortal enemies til their dying day/ Yet side by side/ They show the way.”
The first line of the riddle is written in gnome, the second in dwarven and the third in common. When a figure is paired on the pedestal with its mortal enemy (gnome-kobold, dwarf-orc, paladin-lycanthrope) a letter shimmers in the air above the pedestal. When arranged correctly, these letters spell a draconic command word to bypass the wall of force and enter the research chamber beyond. The key to arranging the letters properly is in the language of each line of the riddle. Thus, the gnome-kobold pair should be placed first, followed by the dwarf-orc pair, and then the paladin-lycanthrope. If players do not speak the correct command word, a summon monster I trap is triggered. Players can then try arranging the letters again until they succeed. In the research chamber PCs find notes about the virus, a map indicating the locations of the other sanctums, and several trinkets thought to ward off frogs. This provides the first insight into Dacks’ mind – he’s batrachophobic (afraid of frogs).
Players may then journey to any of the other remaining sanctums. Along the way, the DM may choose to run random encounters to add more combat action to the game. In the second sanctum, characters must bypass a Guardian Eyeball. The eyeball is a construct placed over a doorway that can see everything in a 180 degree radius. When a creature enters its field of vision, the eye fires a blast of force that hurls the creature backwards and stuns it. Each time the eye fires, a pair of medium monstrous centipedes is released into the room. The eye is shielded from ranged attacks, so PCs must figure out a way to blind the eye in order to bypass it. This can be done by casting darkness, by being invisible or by moving light sources in the room so that the eye is immersed in intense shadows. In this sanctum are more of Dacks’ notes on the virus, along with a journal detailing his expulsion from the temple. The journal also mentions how much Dacks hates loud noises, which allows clever players to realize that Dacks is ligyrophobic.
At the third sanctum, PCs find a 10 ft. x 10 ft. chamber with a 50 ft. vertical shaft leading up to the research room. PCs can fly, levitate or use rope trick spells to reach the room, or they can attempt to operate a primitive elevator. The elevator consists of a buoyant platform that detaches from the floor while the room fills with water. When the water level rises, the platform carries the PCs up to the research room. The elevator is controlled by a series of ten levers, each of which is labeled with a single letter. Above the levers is an illustration of a man who’s been flayed. Embossed below the illustration, but above the levers is the phrase “Raise my realms.” The illustration represents the Mockery, and players must put all the levers labeled with the first letter of the Mockery’s domains in the “up” position in order to activate the elevator.
Failure to raise the correct levers causes the room to fill with filthy water. Characters can make Swim checks to stay afloat as the water rises, but they must also make saves against filth fever. Inside this research room are more of Dacks’ notes, along with a few of his personal effects, including a bar of alchemical soap and several vials of cologne. PCs can glean from this that Dacks is autodysomophobic (afraid of having a foul odor).
Upon entering the fourth sanctum, the characters must cross a narrow bridge over a flaming chasm to reach a door on the other side. This is complicated further by a group of stirges who attack the PCs while they are vulnerable on the bridge. However, the fire is an illusion and the door a fake. Players who successfully cross the bridge without falling find the door opens on a stone wall. PCs can make checks to realize the fire doesn’t give off any heat, and to notice the handholds that are carved into the chasm. Players who descend below the illusion find the true research room, and the final piece of Dacks’ research. Among Dacks’ personal effects, PCs find herbal treatments intended to keep joints limber and resist paralysis. Clever players can deduce that Dacks is ankylophobic (afraid of paralysis).
Regardless of the order in which the PCs visit the sanctums, Dacks is found at the last one they reach. When players confront Dacks, they can subdue him without violence by playing on the phobias they’ve learned about during the course of the adventure. For example, Dacks is afraid of frogs, so a silent image of a frog is sufficient to panic him; prestidigitation’s smell affecting ability puts him into fits; and shatter, bardic music or thunderstones cause him to become shaken. Hold person spells, tanglefoot bags or similar effects also incite tremendous fear in Dacks, and spells with the Fear descriptor are especially potent against him.
Once the players have apprehended Dacks and pieced together his research, they return to Sharn and present their findings to the Sovereign Host. The PCs are rewarded monetarily and can keep any treasure they found during the adventure. Characters who survive the adventure should receive enough XP to advance one or two levels.
Here's one I got back from the last submission meeting. Any and all feedback is appreciated!
GXI
“Panthophobia” is an Eberron adventure for a party of 1st-3rd level adventurers. While characters of any class will be suitable, a cleric and a bard will be extremely helpful. The adventure is approximately 9,000 words and has 6 maps.
... <snip> ....
That was a cool sounding adventure!
However, I do have a few questions/comments:
1. 9000 words sounds a little on the low side, given the cool descriptions of the traps and puzzles, etc. You also may have wanted to throw a sidebar in with a list of all the phobia terms used. But I'm not the best on estimating word counts, so I could be off.
2. Reading the adventure, I had to go back a few times to see what level the PCs were supposed to be. It seemed to be a little more complex and hard than usual for 1st-3rd level PCs, and to me sounded more like a 3rd-4th level adventure. (Higher than 1st level, but defintively before they got Fly at 5th due to some of the traps)
The main reason I got this impression was all the resources that Arlad Dacks had at his disposal. Where did he get all the money to construct his sanctums and traps? (Especially the permanent Wall of Force and other spells?)
3. You said you got this one back after the last submissions meeting. Did they give you any comments on why it was turned down?
So let's start with the good stuff, because I'm in an unusally good mood. ;)
Alright, so now we have to get to the negatives. Sorry.
The doorway is blocked by a permanent wall of force.
That's a weak sentence; there's no action - it just sort of is there. You could rewrite this sentence as:
A permanent wall of force blocks the doorway.
The editors generally dislike passive voice; if your query is full of it (I count 14 of 'em), the editors have to assume your manuscript will also contain a large amount of passive. That's more work for them.
Puzzles and riddles are good; solving a mystery is cool. But in my opinion mixing in a few combat encounters would be good for this adventure.
Now, take all the above advice with a big helping of salt, as I've never managed to get an adventure query past James either. :)
First Query Submission + Grey Render = Post in "Critique my Query" Have at it.
Coming Down the Mountain
For decades the village of Thurn and the tribes of Feral Garguns who lived in the nearby mountain ranges waged battle in order to survive in the harsh northern climate. After a massive battle which culminated in the death of both Gathkaa, leader of the garguns as well as Trylviall, the Paladin leading Thurn’s defense, an uneasy truce was brokered by the druid Sylvayne. To commemorate the peace accord, Sylvayne enshrined the bodies of Gathkaa and Trylvyiall along with their holy relics in a hidden location. Each spring the feral gargun tribes descend from the mountains and meet with the villagers for a ceremony to commemorate the truce and to trade with the villagers. This culminates in a re-dedication of two artifacts from the Fallen heroes – The Mantle of Gathkaa and the Sword of Trylvyiall. This peace has lasted for twenty years, but is now in jeopardy because the artifacts have been stolen.
After arriving in Thurn the PCs gain an audience with Stylwell (Thurn’s mayor) and Roald (Thurn’s spiritual leader and son of Trylvyiall). After brief introductions they escort the PCs to find an aged bed-ridden Sylvayne. Sylvayne tells the PCs he has failed in his role of guardian of the artifacts. He asks that the PCs investigate and retrieve them prior to the upcoming ceremony in order to preserve the peace. Stylwell asks for the PCs aid as well and offers them a reward for the return of the artifacts. Roald disagrees with the group and suggests the PCs use the time remaining prior to the ceremony to gather strength to defeat the gargun tribes once and for all.
The players go to the shrine indicated by Sylvayne and find its original defenses destroyed. However, the cave is still inhabited by wild animals and further in, some traps left by the thieves. Inside the caves the PCs also discover some information that implicates Roald in the theft.
After confronting Roald, he admits to his role in the theft, explaining that it was his intention to use the mercenaries he contacted to defend Thurn and free them of the gargun “menace” forever. The mercenaries, however, had different ideas. After capturing the artifacts from the caves, they abandoned Roald to pursue their own agenda. Roald can point the PCs in the right direction to find them, but requests that once they have recaptured the artifacts that they side with him and destroy the gargun tribes.
General Information
Coming Down the Mountain is a generic world adventure designed for 3rd level PCs. The adventure is be based in a minor city on the border of a mountainous region. The adventure is free-form in that the PCs will be encouraged by various factions within Thurn to handle the issue in different ways. The thieves were initially hired by Roald. This group would like to see the PCs ally with the thieves in order to stop the feral gargun “threat” once and for all. Another faction would like to see the PCs stop the thieves and return the mantle before the feral garguns show up for the annual ceremony. The PCs will likely investigate the caves where the artifacts had been hidden. This will in turn provide evidence of Roald’s involvement with the theft. Eventually, the PCs will also encounter Ghur-thrak in his encampment nearby.
Important NPCs
• Sylvayne – Aging Druid who brokered the peace accord and was responsible for preserving the artifacts.
• Stylwell – Mayor of Thurn – His main goal is to reclaim the artifacts to preserve the prosperity of Thurn
• Roald – Spiritual leader who still harbors resentment over the death of his father. Struck a deal with Ghur-thrak to use the Mantle of Kings to defend Thurn but was betrayed by the Hobgoblin. Would like the PCs to recapture the Mantle but instead to use it to destroy the feral gargun tribes.
• Ghur-thrak – Leader of the Hobgoblin mercenaries who stole the Mantle of Kings (and its current wearer).
Encounters
Set encounters will consist of two main groups:
• The Shrine exploration (Wild animals, plants, Ghur-thrak’s trap , and the reanimated remains of Trylvyiall and Gathkaa)
• Ghur-thrak’s Camp – Ghur-thrak, 1 Humanoid wizard, 2 Ogres, and several hobgoblin/human mercenaries
Additionally, there is the potential for random wilderness encounters as the PCs track Ghur-thrak as well as potentially a large scale battle where the PCs ally with Thurn’s defenders and/or Ghur-thrak to fight against the feral garguns.
Rewards
Along with XP commensurate with the challenges overcome, the players will gain control of the Mantle of Gathkaa – A Unique magical device that upon activation grants the bearer the Feral Template for a number of hours equal to the wearers Constitution (post activation). The wearer also suffers 1d4 INT loss for each use. INT lost in this manner is regained at 1 point per day.
Additionally PCs will gain Trylvyiall’s weapon as well as gold and equipment from Ghur-thrak’s troops as well as potentially from the feral gargun tribes.
Estimates
Coming Down the Mountain will require around 11,500 words. The adventure requires three maps. The first map will be an overland map of Thurn and its surrounding area. The second map will be a map of Sylvayne’s cave from which the artifacts were stolen. The third map will be a map of the Ghur-thrak’s base of operations.
First Query Submission + Grey Render = Post in "Critique my Query" Have at it.
Welcome to the club. Refreshments are over in the corner. :)
Feral Garguns
Quite possibly my favorite race from Races of Stone. ;)
So, anyway, on to the actual comments. We'll start with "good" stuff first, even though I'm not quite in as good a mood as I was the other day.
And now some negative type things...
Your story section really should've continued on with what the PCs could expect with the mercenaries, at least in my opinion. Ghur-thrak and his group really feel like an after-thought.
I guess overall, the story/General Information sections seem incomplete - they stop before the adventure is actually over. You have a solid idea, it seems. It would likely play out very well in your own campaign. Sometimes, though, those sorts of things are difficult to translate into a successful Dungeon query.
edit: And your title has the folk song "She'll Be Comin' 'Round The Mountain" stuck in my head now. Thanks a lot! :P :P :P
I only had one submission pending, and it was rejected on Friday. I thought I would post it for critique:
The Urban Jungle
Length: Approximately 10,000 words.
Map Requirements: Map of Skysedge Park; map depicting vertical chase from side view; and a map depicting the various components of the chase (i.e. footbridges, balconies, etc.) from a birds-eye perspective.
I would like to submit an adventure query for your consideration. “The Urban Jungle” is a D&D adventure designed for four characters of 5th level. The adventure is set in the Eberron campaign setting, specifically in the Skysedge District of Sharn. The adventure makes use of material and information from the following source books: the Eberron Campaign Setting, Sharn: City of Towers, Races of Eberron, and the Expanded Psionics Handbook.
The city of Sharn is often referred to as “The Gateway to Xen’drik“, but it is also a gateway into Khorvaire. The city is abuzz with rumors of a dark elf lurking amongst the fruit trees of the Skysedge park district. The drow elf has not emerged from his hiding place or taken any hostile action, so the city has turned to Morgrave University to manage the situation. The asthmatic Professor Gareth ir’Ulassa, a self-styled “expert” on the drow of Xen’drik, is heading the university’s delegation.
The adventure begins when agents of Morgrave University contact the PCs; these contacts will introduce the PCs to Professor ir’Ulassa and the three graduate students who act as his assistants. The University wishes to gain the drow’s cooperation and knowledge, but Professor ir’Ulassa has no idea how to approach the dark elf. He now seeks experienced adventurers to do so on the university’s behalf, and he is willing to compensate the PCs monetarily, or, preferably, by providing access to information held by the University.
The first part of the adventure focuses on role-playing. The PCs need to develop a plan of action that will satisfy the exceedingly cautious ir’Ulassa, while taking into account the separate opinions and agendas of the three rather vocal graduate students. Finally, the PCs must contend with the intrusive presence of a gnomish reporter named Hasal Hevereth Haddacher, who has wormed his way into the Professor’s favor. Haddacher’s involvement may prove troublesome because he is secretly an agent of the Trust, tasked with determining whether the drow elf knows anything about the gnomish theft of elemental binding magic.
Once Professor ir’Ulassa is convinced that the PCs’ plan will work, he will want them to implement it at soon as possible. The PCs will need to approach the prickly dark elf and somehow get him to emerge from his hiding place. Subsequent negotiations will prove difficult. The drow elf does not understand Common, and even if the PCs are able to establish a line of communication, he will drive a hard bargain in return for any of his knowledge of Xen’drik. The negotiations should provide many opportunities for serious role-playing and problem solving.
The drow is a solitary adventurer and explorer named Xev’ik Th’ulc (fighter 1/rogue 4/sorcerer 3). Several months ago, as he explored a particularly arid region of Xen’drik, he came across a ring of boulders that served as a shrine for a local clutch of thri-kreen. Contained within the shrine was the clutch’s totem, a large Siberys dragonshard that they called “The Whispering Wind.” Xev’ik killed the totem’s guardian and stole the dragonshard, earning the undying enmity of the mantis warriors. The thri-kreen relentlessly pursued him through hundreds of miles of dense, dangerous jungle, forcing him northward, towards the port city of Stormreach. Upon reaching the city, Xev’ik had little choice but to flee Xen’drik by stowing away on a ship bound for Sharn. Days later, the surviving thri-kreen, four warriors (ranger 3) led by a druid named Thelek-Tha (druid 4) were able to continue the hunt by securing their own passage across the sea.
Disastrously, during the course of the negotiations, the thri-kreen will finally catch up to their quarry and attack, leaping from a hijacked skycoach after hurling a barrage of chatkchas. The rangers will then engage in melee with their brutal gythkas, while Thelek-Tha will use her spells to summon various types of vermin allies. Though the thri-kreen focus their attack on the drow elf, they will not hesitate to attack the PCs if they interfere or attempt to defend their prey.
However, Xev’ik is not interested in extended combat. At the earliest opportunity, he will attempt to flee over the edge of the tower by casting spider climb upon himself. Any surviving thri-kreen will pursue him, using their natural jumping abilities to leap from structure to structure. PCs who follow Xev'ik and the thri-kreen find themselves in a dangerous chase through a dense, vertical network of balconies, footbridges, lifts, and residential towers. PCs need to utilize magic and skills such as Balance, Climb, Jump, Tumble, and Use Rope to navigate the precarious terrain, while engaging in combat in a treacherous 3-D environment. Xev’ik only needs to make it to a crowded causeway, two hundred feet below, in order to facilitate his escape into the depths of the lower city. For their part, the thri-kreen will not relent until the Whispering Wind is back in their possession or they are somehow neutralized.
To succeed at the adventure, the PCs will have to save Xev’ik from the thri-kreen, prevent his disappearance into the bowels of Sharn, and gain his cooperation for the University. Beyond any promised monetary reward and equipment that the PCs may capture, the NPC contacts and information that they could potentially gain by successfully completing the adventure could be invaluable. Both Professor ir’Ulassa and Xev’ik Th’ulc could serve as excellent springboards to an expedition set in Xen’drik. Involvement with the gnomish reporter Haddacher could lead to adventure for or against the shadowy machinations of the Trust, while any surviving thri-kreen could reappear as enemies, perhaps recruited by such monstrous organizations as the Daask.
Wow, Shroomy! I'm sorry - I forgot all about wanting to get around to your query. I'll get you some comments on it later today or tomorrow.
In the meantime... This Critical Threat wasn't much of a threat to the dreaded Render. Since it uses non-OGL material, I can't really use it with another publisher, so I'll post it here - either so somebody can use it, or to garner some feedback. I'll post it as-is, even though there's some typos (grrr), and some things I'd like to change. I knew going in that this Crit Threat was a longshot, so really I was pretty happy to have it reach the "under consideration" stage. Enjoy (I hope).
***
Drusai, Champion of the Poor
Drusai, born Finrey Thulan, was his parents’ third child. His family soon realized that Finrey was not like other children. Young Finrey professed to be able to see in the dark. His parents assumed it was just the child being playful, until one day Finrey produced light. His parents – faithful servants of a local noble embroiled in a decades-old war - didn't know what to do. After consulting with their lord, his parents decided Finrey was destined to be a servant of Kord. They took him to the nearest temple, where he underwent religious tests. Finrey never saw his parents again.
The Priests of Kord raised Finrey to be a warrior and a diplomat - a true champion. After many grueling years of extensive training, the clerics deemed him ready to take his place among men. The priests gave Finrey command of a small unit of troops. He fought gallantly, using his training and natural talent to lead his soldiers. Finrey’s unit was well-known for being a rare combination of efficiency and fairness. Not long after his entry into the war, though, a treaty was signed, bringing an end to the decades of struggle.
After the war, Finrey pondered the death and destruction he had been a part of. He struggled to reconcile his beliefs with the fact that he had caused men to die - good men, who fought just as bravely as he. Finrey turned his sword, armor, and stead over to the Temple of Kord and wandered the countryside, doing good deeds. The work kept his mind off the war. Finrey soon found himself penniless, working day to day to earn enough to eat. He continued to do good works - ranging from helping an old farmer plow his fields, to healing another farmer's sick oxen. Finrey enjoyed the honesty of the work, and learned to get by without his items.
His war guilt, however, still hung like a dark cloud over his mind. A year after the war ended, Finrey stumbled upon a monastery. The friendly monks provided him room and board, and he returned the favor by working hard for them. During his stay, Finrey met a woman named Allisa. The two chatted about many things, including the physical and emotional scars the war left upon Finrey. With time, Allisa convinced Finrey to seek membership among the brotherhood. Upon induction, he adopted a new name - Drusai. He has never used his given name since that time. He found the brotherhood’s training arduous, but Drusai worked hard, and mastered the tasks at hand. He found the meditation taught by the brothers eased his guilt, until eventually he was at peace with himself. Finally a full blooded brother, Drusai took the sacred vows required of him.
Appearance
Drusai is an unassuming man. He stands a bit over five and a half feet tall, and weighs 175 pounds. He shaves his head, as is the custom for his monastery. His eyes are steely blue, and he typically has a smile upon his face.
Drusai has few possessions in life, and this is readily apparent by observing him. He wears an old, tattered robe made from burlap sacks, a frayed rope functioning as his belt. Tucked into his belt is a folded up sack he uses whenever he receives donations for the poor. He carries a quarterstaff he carved for himself from a tree limb.
Tactics
Combat is always a last resort for Drusai, and even then he almost always opts to deal nonlethal damage. He uses his Improved Disarm feat to remove threats from combat. Drusai has learned that a foe is much more likely to surrender when disarmed and unable to attack. When faced with more than one foe at a time, Drusai uses his Stunning Fist against one target to safely remove her from combat, and then focuses his nonlethal blows on other targets.
Against undead foes, Drusai’s tactics change drastically. Foremost, Drusai no longer limits himself to nonlethal damage. Undead are an abomination to Drusai’s beliefs, and he moves quickly to attack one. He attacks relentlessly, saving his smite evil ability for a moment when he believes it will sway the tide of battle.
Development
Despite his poor status, Drusai is a major figure in any large city. He champions the poor and downtrodden, and in return they show great loyalty to the exalted aasimar. Drusai is persistent but polite while seeking donations for his cause. He is not afraid to follow a group that appears wealthy through the city, seeking opportunities to request money.
Drusai could be an asset to a generous party, a thorn in the side of a stingy party, and a dangerous protector of the poor against those who seek to harm the oppressed.
Drusai, Champion of the Poor CR 10
Male aasimar paladin 2/monk 8
LG medium outsider (native)
Init -1
Senses Darkvision 60 ft., Listen +18, Spot +18
Aura Strong Good
Languages Common, Celestial, Elven
AC 24, touch 16, flat footed 24; Dodge
HP 76 (10 HD) DR 5/Magic
Immune Diseases (except supernatural or magical), discern lies, detect thoughts, any attempt to ascertain alignment
Resist Acid 5, cold 5, electricity 5
Fort +14, Ref +8, Will +14; evasion, +2 vs Enchantments
Speed 50 ft. (10 squares)
Melee +15/+10 unarmed strike (1d10+2 damage) or
+15/+10 quarterstaff (1d6+2 damage) or
+14/+14/+9 flurry of blows (1d10+2 unarmed or 1d6+2 quartersaff)
Base Atk +8; Grp +8
Atk Options Improved Disarm, Stunning Fist 8/Day (Fort DC 20), Smite Evil 1/Day (+2 attack, +2 damage)
Special Actions Wholeness of body (16 HP), Lay on hands (4 HP)
Spell-like Abilities (CL 10th)
At will - Detect Evil
1/day - Daylight
Abilities Str 10, Dex 8, Con 15, Int 12, Wis 20, Cha 15
SQ Slow fall 40’, mind shielding, sustenance, endure elements
Feats Deflect Arrows (B), Dodge, Improved Disarm (B), Improved Initiative, Improved Unarmed Strike (B), Intuitive Strike (B), Stunning Fist (B), Sacred Vow, Vow of Poverty
Skills Diplomacy +14, Knowledge (nobility and royalty) +3, Knowledge (religion) +2, Ride +1, Sense Motive +12, Tumble +10
Possessions Quarterstaff, burlap sack, robe
Intuitive Strike: This exalted feat is located in the Book of Exalted Deeds. It allows Drusai to add his Wisdom modifier, in place of Strength, to melee attacks with simple weapons.
Sacred Vow: This exalted feat is located in the Book of Exalted Deeds. It grants Drusai a +2 sacred bonus to Diplomacy checks.
Vow of Poverty: This exalted feat is located in the Book of Exalted Deeds. As a 10th level character who selected Vow of Poverty at 9th level, this Drusai gains the following:
• Endure Elements.
• Sustenance. Drusai does not need to eat or drink
• AC Bonus +7. This bonus is an exalted bonus, but it does not stack with an armor bonus. This bonus is lost against touch attacks and incorporal touch attacks, but remains in effect against brilliant energy weapons
• Exalted Strike +2. All of Drusai’s attacks receive a +2 enhancement bonus to attack and damage; in addition, they overcome both Magic and Good damage reduction.
• +1 Deflection bonus to AC
• +1 Natural armor bonus to AC
• +1 Resistance bonus to saves
• Ability enhancement +2. +2 enhancement bonus to Wisdom.
• Mind shielding. Immunity to detect thoughts, discern lies, and any attempt to determine his alignment.
• DR 5/Magic
• One bonus exalted feat. Drusai used this bonus feat to select Intuitive Strike.
Jet Black: Captivating Works of Art
<snip>
.....Matrissa, did you get a comment from the editors on why this was rejected? I was just reading through Dungeon #68 and recalled this submission you had posted. I haven't see anyone else mention this, but if the editors were familiar with this issue published in 1998 (I assume they have to be at least passingly familiar with previously published adventures to avoid repeats), there's an adventure called "The Artist's Loving Touch" with a very similar premise that probably would've killed your proposal regardless. (Petrification gloves instead of a cockatrice, but otherwise...) So you probably never had a shot with this particular idea; I don't know if that makes you feel better. :)
Heh. I was waiting for someone to uncover the similarity between Jent Black and The Artist's Loving Touch in #68.
I did know about The Artist's Loving Touch in #68, but only because I submitted a query for V1.0 of Jet Black (originally written for D&D 0E rules with the query being for 2E), and the existence of the similar adventure was the only reason that Chris Perkins (Dungeon Editor and "gatekeeper" at the time) gave for rejecting it. Dungeon was at about issue #72 when I submitted my query and I hadn't had a subscription to Dungeon so I didn't know about it before that.I still have Chris' email message (first rejection and all that...) and these are his exact words about that proposal:
Thanks for submitting the proposal for "Jet Black." The adventure has some cool elements, but unfortunately it's too similar to a module we published in Issue #68 titled "The Artist's Loving Touch," in which an ageing sculptor uses a pair of petrifying gloves to transform his subjects into statues. Although the black cockatrice is neat, the story is basically the same. Therefore, I'm afraid I cannot request a complete manuscript for this one.
V2.0 of Jet Black shares the same underlying plot with V1.0 but is quite different in many ways from V1.0. After a play test with friends and receiving feedback from some others who used the original 0E version uncovered some flaws that I corrected, plus I revamped the size and layout of Matrissa's mansion and changed much of the mechanics around dealing with the auction, travelling to Matrissa's home and getting into her "lair".
Since there were so many changes, and since there had been five years and 1.5 editions since my first attempt, it seemed that it should be safe to try submitting the plot again. Besides, being the honest soul I am, I made it very clear in the cover email that went with it that there had been a previous attempt to submit Jet Black, when that had been, who had rejected it and why. Similarly, I also made it clear that the concept was developed from a very basic "plot hook" found in the "Darokin Gazetter" for the Mystara campaign setting.
As it stands, and to answer your actual question Occam, I did get some feedback from Jeremy Walker and his very first point was:
First (and the biggest strike against the proposal) was the basic plot. The "villain turns people to stone and then sells it as artwork" plot is one of those plots that has been around forever, and unless we see some really new, interesting take on it, we are unlikely to revisit it.
So, really, it wasn't just the existence of The Artist's Loving Touch in #68 but probably also the adventure from a short while back with a Medusa turning her victims into stone and then separating their heads from their shoulders and putting them back so that anyone who came along and tried "stone to flesh" would see only a grizzly death occur in front of them, not to mention all the others that have been published which fall into this same category.
I suppose I really just waited too long to submit my first query - V1.0 had existed for years before I got up the nerve to try submitting it, and if I'd gotten to that point six months to a year earlier, who knows what might have happened. On the other hand, v2.0 is a much better adventure than v1.0 and if it had been accepted then... well, what became of it after editing, &c. would still not be the same as what I have now.
So, all I can do is live and learn. I will submit another query, or two or four, or whatever, eventually. Hopefully I'll figure the whole process out well enough that one of them will help me to succeed eventually too. :-)
-Jenni
Anyone mind if I archive their Query onto the Wiki?
http://subculture.teknohippy.com
You can archive mine as well, if you want, with the same caveat others have posed to keep my posted & real name attached (full real name is Jenni Merrifield), assuming the wiki is still active (I've been absent from the boards for a while and I notice that your post was from the end March and it's now two thirds through June).
Come to think of it, I'll probably check it out after I'm done here. :-)
Feel free to archive mine as well.
You can archive mine as well
No need, I've archived it there myself. :-)
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...the adventure from a short while back with a Medusa turning her victims into stone and then separating their heads from their shoulders and putting them back so that anyone who came along and tried "stone to flesh" would see only a grizzly death occur in front of them...
Oh, that's... that's just... too cruel. But also too cool not to use! (swipe!)
Which adventure was that in, do you know?
Which adventure was that in, do you know?
I believe the adventure was called "Statue Gallery." It was a Side Trek, and involved (IIRC) a medusa, statuary, and vargouilles. I ran it between "Spirals of Manzessine" and "City of the Spider Queen."
Fun times.
Hi all,
I'm new here. Is there a thread that deals with pre-submission query critiques? I saw one in the archives, but it seems inactive. Is it frowned upon to post pre-submission queries for criticism here?
Thanks,
AR
Is it frowned upon to post pre-submission queries for criticism here?
Thanks,
AR
Yep, it is. The editors prefer to keep material that could potentially make it into the magazine under wraps.
Thanks Zherog.
Another question for anyone who wants to answer...
From your experience, how do the editors feel about back story?
I got some advice from a friend who looked over a query I wrote, and his main criticism was that there was too much back story mentioned in the query, and thus, probably too much back story in the adventure itself. His point is well taken, but I want to know what you guys think. So...
Should a query have as little back story as possible and focus on PC action/events? Should I avoid trying to make a really cool back story if some of it doesn't get revealed to the PCs? Has anyone gotten a "too much back story" criticism from an editor?
Thanks in advance,
AR
Should a query have as little back story as possible and focus on PC action/events?
In my opinion, yes.
Should I avoid trying to make a really cool back story if some of it doesn't get revealed to the PCs?
Depends. If the really cool backstory helps the DM run things, then you need to work it in. When it comes to your query, though, you really need to focus things on what the PCs will be doing.
Here's a rule of thumb posted by somebody else in another thread. Unfortunately, I can't recall the poster or the thread. :-\ Just for yucks and grins, place your backstory at the front of a word doc. If we don't see the PCs until "page 2" then you have too much backstory.
Has anyone gotten a "too much back story" criticism from an editor?
I haven't, no. I've only done five or so adventure queries, though. Three of 'em are in this thread, and the other two are still pending. ;)
Has anyone gotten a "too much back story" criticism from an editor?
Thanks in advance,
AR
This was/is the main criticism I recieved when a proposal got a personal feedback. The eds like that you know all of that stuff but they want like a 'movie trailer' for the module. Put the big explosions up front, the love interest, some money shots of cool badguys/cracking magic items/exotic 'James Bond' locales...and throw in a comic sidekick and you will strike gold!
Actually, I really don't know what they want right now...it's a lot about having the right idea at the right time. It is difficult to strike a balance between the history to give the piece weight and the flash of the KEWL stuff?!?!? Anyway, the main thing is to not stop....keep writing stuff. Eventually you will hit on something that someone sees some potential in.
Anyway, the main thing is to not stop....keep writing stuff. Eventually you will hit on something that someone sees some potential in.
But... it's... so... HAAARRRD!
::curls up in fetal position::
No, *sniff* you're right.
Time to make a massive pot of coffee and loop some "Eye of the Tiger."
Thanks Zherog and Drunken Nomad. Good advice.
AR
Over on the "Siege of the Spider Eaters" thread, drinken_nomad asked me to post my original proposal query letter for my adventure of the same name appearing in issue 137. This is the first I've looked at it in two years and it's pretty different from the evolved adventure in print. Here it is:
Adventure Synopsis:
In the center of Husk Forest, a place where desiccated bodies outnumber the trees that string them up, a gaping black hole filled with webs plunges deep into the earth. Will-o’-wisps dimly light its depths where they too feed on the still living victims of the monstrous spiders and their queen.
In the nearby town of Haven-Fara, it is time for the notorious Cap Galen to uphold his end of a bargain struck with spider eaters. He must reveal a secret entrance to the spider’s lair, in exchange for the spider eaters’ use as mounts in his earlier bandit operations. Once the spider eaters have decimated the spiders and implanted their eggs into the paralyzed spider queen, Cap and his crew plan to double-cross them by stealing and selling their valuable eggs. Getting rid of the spiders and pillaging their lair is an added bonus for Cap.
What nobody knows is that the spiders are aranea. Comprising 40% of Haven-Fara’s population, the aranea live double lives as human traders, workers, and militia. The suspicious Black Horse Inn with its low fire and late hours, is owned by the aranea Westy Smith – political enemy of Cap and leader of a group allied for aranea interests.
The module begins with the PCs overhearing whispering wind messages in the Black Horse’s unlit common room. “It’s tonight”; “They come for her”. Overhead, the spider eaters fly in magical silence to the spider lair. By morning, the town is nearly half empty as none of the aranea have returned. The remaining townsfolk blame the spiders and seek any who will help retrieve their friends and neighbors.
With the help of the pestering aranea humonculi, the PCs must survive the traps activated (too late) by the aranea defenders, negotiate the vertical web maze to witness the implantation of the spider eater eggs into the spider queen, and rescue the aranea children (in human form) who refuse to leave the spiders’ lair. Later, the PCs must determine who stole the spider eater eggs, break the illusion that guards them, and recover them all before Cap flees with them or the vengeful spider eaters kill everyone in town.
Will the PCs learn and keep the aranea secret? Who’s next in line for implantation if the spider eaters recover their eggs? Are the PCs wily enough to leverage the ancient traps in the spiders’ lair to capture the spider eaters directly?
The outcome of this module is a direct result of the PCs’ choices. It can range from the PCs stealing the spider eater eggs and abandoning both the humans and the spiders to their fate, to the PCs openly uniting the spider and human communities in a battle for survival.
Very nice and to the point. A tight 454 words.
GGG
Man, obviously I am focussing too much on the details in my proposals.
Great story! Love the details in the room descriptions. "The cool air of places deep and dark breathes out." Great writing.
Man, obviously I am focussing too much on the details in my proposals.
Great story! Love the details in the room descriptions. "The cool air of places deep and dark breathes out." Great writing.
Thanks drunken_nomad!
Great example of how a synopsis doesn't HAVE to show levels, stats and page numbers.
A good read.
Plus, as an aside, on average how many encounters per adventure are generally considered acceptable?
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I'll jump on the bandwagon, too. My prop is below, if anyone is bored and with nothing else to do...
Dungeon adventure proposal,
WORKING TITLE
“The Festival” or “Dunmar Cove”
by Andrew Turner
PLOT
Every year the simple folk of Dunmar Cove celebrate the founding of their small fishing village with a week-long festival, complete with nightly banquets in the town square, mummers’ shows, and all-night games of chance. Peddlers and tradesmen come from throughout the region for this annual affair, crafting and collecting their best treasures for sale and trade, and adventurers and heroes are renowned for the stories and tales they bring, and the ale and spirits they down.
The PCs arrive at Dunmar two days into the Festival, only to find the town completely empty, every house abandoned, every shop dark and closed. As they make their way to the town square, met only by the occasional scrap of trash blown in the cold and lonely sea breeze, the wind whistling eerily down the side streets and alleys, their only clue is a set of bloody handprints smeared across a granite marker of the Town Father. Can the PCs solve the mystery of the missing villagers?
“Dunmar Cove” is a short adventure for three to six 1st-4th –level characters. The scenario is set in an isolated coastal village several days travel from any large city or town. Dunmar is a small village of some nine hundred people, mostly human, but the annual Festival historically attracts hundreds of itinerates and tradesmen hoping to pedal their wares and expecting a generally good time. The action takes place as the party explores the apparently abandoned town, eventually discovering multiple clues leading to the villagers’ whereabouts and the nature of their mysterious disappearance, including ties to the worship of a sinister sahuagin sea god, a thriving underground slave-trade, and the machinations of a power-hungry half-sahuagin sorcerer.
This adventure is easily adapted to any campaign setting, and dovetails nicely as a “pit stop” adventure in-between major scenarios of larger, long-running campaigns, providing an entertaining and enjoyable break. With minimal effort on the part of the DM, “Dunmar Cove” can be easily adjusted to allow for higher-level characters.
“Dunmar Cove” is an adventure for the ‘thinking player.’ There is action at every turn, but the heart of the adventure is in the discovery of clues and resolution of the mystery. Dunmar is enveloped in ancient intrigue and fell associations. As the players progress, they will uncover more and more back-story, and creative thinking will yield more rewards than typical brute force.
This adventure requires the D&D core rulebooks, and utilizes the D&D v.3.5 rules set.
Primary Foes:
• Ayeohl, Acolyte (underpriestess) of Sekolah, young female sahuagin wereshark 4th level priestess of Sekolah CR 5
• Ctyfrahng, 3rd level sorcerer, magical fiend-sahuagin (four-arm) hybrid; Ctyfrahng is the son of Ayeohl and an unnamed fiend (shark demon) CR 4
• Davin oth-Galana, Dunmarsh mayor, also a failed Paladin, now a 2nd level wizard; lackey of Ayeohl and complicit in the mass-abduction of the villagers, and the slave ring. CR 2
Rewards:
Various gems and small treasure totaling 3900 gp in value; Scroll of Water Command; Scroll of Bodily Health +1; Vial of Elemental Command (water).
Other Foes:
• Carrion Crawler x1
• Cave Fisher x4
• Water Elemental (in thrall to Ayeohl; easily dispelled or converted based on PCs actions)
Likely earnable XPs will propel PCs up one level. The total word count: 3800 words. The total maps: x2 (village; church w/ entrance to sea cavern, including the cavern.)
-30-
Andrew,
I am assuming you have received a no-go on the above and I believe the reason lies in the fact that you do not tell what happened in the village, why it happened and what the clues are. The fair looked interesting while I read it but then it got to the mystery and I was mystified......and the editors were probably as well. The last part of your proposal (the adventure) tells us nothing, you need to tell what happens, I believe that the guidelines state that as well.
Darkjoy
first a question on how you guys estimate the length of your competed work, from the query? I really end up just guessing is their a more scientific approach (the published ones dont have words counts and it's geat to say 300 words to a page but it still leaves me guessing
Just a question from a fellow querryier
Lgoos
James Jacobs posted a method in the past; I don't have it on this PC, but I do have it on my other one. At the moment, I'm too lazy to go get it and boot it up - but it's the laptop I use for work, so I'll be able to post it for you tomorrow morning if nobody else has it.
Heh, he ever mention anything about average encounters per adventure too?? ^^
Alrighty - my notes even have a link to the thread. I amaze myself sometimes. ;)
First, figure out how many encounters the adventure's going to have (it helps to sketch out maps here, or at least have an idea of how many maps the adventure's going to have). By encounters, I mean events, BBEG battles, traps, or pretty much any keyed location on a map. Take that number and multiply by 500 (a rough average for an encounter's word length). Add another 1500 for extra stuff (scaling the adventure sidebars, the author bio, intro text, miscellaneous sidebars, and tables). The result is by no means exact, but it's close enough at the proposal stage to work.
It's probably best to round up to the nearest increment of 1000. If it gets accepted, and if once I start writing it I find out it's going to be shorter or longer ... by more than 1,000 words, I'd drop an email to the editor to let them know and ask if the new length will be a problem.
So there's the James Jacobs Quick and Easy Method of Word Count Estimating - or JJQaEMoWCE for short. :D
Over on the "Siege of the Spider Eaters" thread, drinken_nomad asked me to post my original proposal query letter for my adventure of the same name appearing in issue 137. This is the first I've looked at it in two years and it's pretty different from the evolved adventure in print.
TConnors, you should post this on the SubCulture Wiki (http://subculture.teknohippy.com) started by Technohippy. It will be the first example of an "Accepted Query" if you do. :-)
Thanks for this thread, everyone, it's super helpful. I'm working on a new query now. I'd post my old ones here, but I can't find one and I'm ashamed of the other. :p
-Amber S.
P.S. Actually my Urban Decay proposal should be around here somewhere. I'll look for it.