Vagrant EruDad's page

To the non-parentally initiated: it gets WAY better after 6 months. As my daughter just passed 8 months, it's been consistent enough to say: "being a dad kicks ass and is way better than it is tough, even for someone who really didn't want kids."

The infant has said three words: hey (which she will announce repeatedly until you reply in kind), Mama, and as of a couple days ago, Dada.

I don't care how low your life gets, hearing it first person just makes you love life with all your heart for a while.

I have a great family.

Things have been rough...Rougher than rough, frankly. But it's worth it.

Oh boy...She's crawling. She's standing up when she has something to hold onto. She has favorite foods. She has a favorite color she gravitates towards (green). She's always smiling, except when she's teething, hungry, or has a full diaper.

Six months is a world of changes.

Before then, she was like a fragile pet that screamed if you didn't hold her. Now she's so much more like a little person. I mean, she IS little person, but before she just didn't act like one.

It's crazy to watch.

And somehow she backs herself up under the couch all the time, legs under, torso out, and looks at me like "help; I have no idea how I got here and I can't get out, dad!"

Have to get up at 345 am? Check

Baby not sleeping at 1230 am? Check

This post brought to you by sam jackson and gtf to sleep

Truth

The baby took vaccine boosters like a boss. Didn't even cry until the third one. It was like:

Shot 1: a grumpy sound and an angry look at the nurse.

Shot 2: about three seconds of annoyed. Very angry look at mom holding her and the nurse.

Shot 3: wailed like a siren for about five minutes - calmed down like nothing happened when passed to me. (She was all about me like she knew it was my birthday and so I purposefully proposed I be the "rescuer" for this event. It worked!)

Oral vaccine: chugged it like a freshman trying to get in a sorority.

Vagrant EruDad wrote:

Raising a baby is like trying to evolve a Magikarp.

I'm sure eventually it will all be worth it, but it's a pain in the ass trying to make any progress with a drain on your experience resources that flails around uselessly and will die if you don't constantly attend to it, while contributing nothing towards your progress in the meantime.

I don't love her even the slightest bit less than with my entire heart but to my friends who never want to have one similar to how I was - stick to your guns! You have those justifiable feelings for a reason, and people who are trying to change your mind are just trying to have one more person to hang out with that has kids - because nobody voluntarily without kids wants to hang out with someone else's children.

Bet you haven't heard a happy parent tell you that in a while.

Poke her nose.

Dad apparently used to do that to me, when I was being a bit much.

Not that that was often. I am naturally reserved and quiet of nature. I am sure I was even more quiet as a child.

I'm actually getting quite good at calming her down - it has been nearly half a year, after all.

However, I remember what it's like to not have kids, and not want kids, and have everyone trying to talk you out of it, and say you're wrong, and I wanted to reassure Orthos, Scint, and anyone else who has the unusual opinions that I had - you're not wrong. You're not entirely right, but don't you ever let those people tell you otherwise.

Raising a baby is like trying to evolve a Magikarp.

I'm sure eventually it will all be worth it, but it's a pain in the ass trying to make any progress with a drain on your experience resources that flails around uselessly and will die if you don't constantly attend to it, while contributing nothing towards your progress in the meantime.

I don't love her even the slightest bit less than with my entire heart but to my friends who never want to have one similar to how I was - stick to your guns! You have those justifiable feelings for a reason, and people who are trying to change your mind are just trying to have one more person to hang out with that has kids - because nobody voluntarily without kids wants to hang out with someone else's children.

Bet you haven't heard a happy parent tell you that in a while.

The Vagrant Infantite loves my mom so much. More than anyone but Tala and myself.

She squirms and wriggles and hates when B@#+#zilla tries to hold her. And Tala's ungrateful brother. But she is calm with Tala's stepdad, whom I am friends with.

She knows who I like and dislike and reacts accordingly! I'm so proud! And its the ultimate spite! Intergenerational spite!

When my daughter is 12 or 13 or so, I'm going to make her sit next to a 4 month old baby...whether her cousin or a whatever...for a 20 hour drive. Yes, it IS revenge, but it is more than that.

After the drive, she will be given "The Talk", explaining where that 15lb ball of screaming and hell on earth came from.

Because if someone put me through this when I was a teen, I'd have castrated myself with a rusty spoon. I can think of no better birth control.

Kid is a much work as they say.

First three months suck.

Personality arrived around month four. Now worth it. She laughs and grins and plays and hugs and is a little person (and severe daddy's girl).

First three months her entire personality was "don't put me down".

Now she's a multifaceted little human. It's wonderful to see. She ate real food the first time two days ago. Hilarious to see her facial expression for fresh blended clementine, pear, and baby cereal. She is a clear fan.

Thanks to Hellsing Ultimate Abridged, my new favorite phrase is "I'm going to need you to calm the calamity...that is your mammaries!" Such a great way to say "calm your t~*%"

In public I tell my daughter "calm the calamity!"

Tala and I love that we're publicly telling her to calm her t~#~ and nobody else knows.

Oh...my...goodness.

She's asleep.

In her own crib.

Not my bed. Not the bassinet next to the bed. Her own crib. For a couple hours now!

This...this is the greatest moment since she was born, damnit. I might actually get a full night's uninterrupted sleep!

Yeah, sometimes I do sleep nekkid. The pile of coins irritates the scales less that way.

Collick is a b+~@&

Scintillae wrote:

NobodysHome wrote:

In their very first night in camp, the 13th-level party was attacked by a b-hole

Breaking news: I am twelve. childish giggling

I've shared this before, but when I played Shattered Star my character was known to be a bit of a dick. Then I got swallowed by a bhole. The game stopped for several minutes of laughter as we realized "the dick is in the b-hole".

Joke approved by the Legion of Dads.

(They sent me a nice canvas tote for joining and everything! It said "we're tote-ally excited you joined.")

These two years away from my family have shown me how important they are.

For our daughter, because both our families are there, and family support is so helpful in parenting, we are planning on moving back to Florida when we can afford it. We're already searching for jobs and apartments.

The things you do for your kids that you NEVER would have done before...

(Btw for those wondering, she eats like a voracious milk gobbling monster, is healthy as all get out, and looks more like me than her mom with each day.)

I got a job to reply.

It's a terrible job that pays garbage, but can start me next week.

If I weren't a reaponsible father I'd say f@+~ em.

I spent all night filling out paperwork instead to make sure I got this s@#~ty job ASAP.

See...this is why I wanted to remain an irresponsible single dude so long. No regrets, but it's funny to know I was right.

I apologize. That's What She Said jokes are so easy and ubiquitous, they just pop out of my mouth before I can help it. See? I'm trying to keep it in there, but I just feel like I'm going to explode sometimes. Ok, that one was on purpose. Once I get started, it's even more difficult to stop. Stahp, that was another and old habits die hard and all. It's Tala's fault. She laughs at it every time. You could even make that a TWSS if you wanted to be a jerk to someone. I mean, technically, it's low humor - below the belt, even *snicker*, but since we have so many fans of puns, I figured it wouldn't be too insulting - they're weak puns, true, and filthy, but theoretically they fall into the realm of word play.

...though I think Spring might be my new favorite.

Scintillae wrote:

The Vagrant Erudite wrote:

After 36 hours, and lots of issues, we finally had the C-Section. Mom got put under as they were closing her up, due to a panic attack mid-operation, so I got to hold her first. (Mom did get her when she came to, fed her, and such, and both girls are PTFO now.)

My baby didn't cry. At all. (Even when she got her first shots later she barely did.) And when I got her in the room and held her for the first time, she opened her eyes, looked up at me, and smiled - right there, just a big grin, like "HI DAD!"

...
...
...
...
...
...f@&+ing worth it.

Shall we call you the Vagrant Erudad?

...you are really good at this.

Welp...

I propose "Vagrant Infantite" for the new file.

...yes, this is worthy of cookies.