Tommi Brander's page

Tommi Brander wrote:

Fluttering sphere

Spoiler:

I liked your item a lot; I think it was my favorite of the butterfly items and I would have expected to see it in the Top 32 over the figurine and brooch, honestly. I think its biggest problem is the randomness of it; because you can't determine which flutter you end up in (or even who uses them), it's hard to use this item tactically (you'd almost be encouraged to use it every other day, so you know where you're going to end up). It could also end up getting left behind easily depending where the last flutter forms.

I didn't mind the name -- I have a strong bias toward names that don't use "of the," which this doesn't. I might try to get more reference to what it does in there; Flickering sphere? Flutterfly sphere?

I would leave "favored by" implicit. If it's butterfly-themed, I think we can all assume it's got a Desna flavor. In addition, players who aren't involved with Desna will hopefully like your item.

I'm OK with the price. The randomness and slow recharge method definitely should make it cheaper.

Thanks for the advice!

Thank you for any and all comments. Here's my item. I have some notes and specific questions at the end, but feel free to give general critique also.

Fluttering sphere
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 9000 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Description
Up to seven swallowtail butterflies fly around in this translucent sphere, often carried by the favored of Desna. On command the sphere dissolves and each of the residents flies to an unoccupied spot within 60 feet, multiplying into a flutter of incorporeal butterflies occupying a square 5 feet on a side. The user of the item selects where the flutters form. The flutters provide concealment.

Any creature of Medium size or smaller entering a flutter teleports into another random flutter as though they had cast dimension door. The teleporting creature may not take other creatures with them. The destination flutter scatters. Random flutter also vanishes every ten minutes.

When only single flutter remains, it gathers and solidifies into a translucent sphere. Each dawn, a new butterfly appears within the sphere, until there are seven. The sphere may be activated when there is at least one butterfly within.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, dimension door; Cost 4500 gp

--

Notes and questions:

Commas are missing in the price and cost.

The name sucks. Any general principles or best practices for naming items?

I added a last-minute "favored by Desna"-reference. Should I make such references explicit or rather leave them implicit? This was a lazy way to add a reference, but I suppose it could be done better.

I had and still have no idea about the price. It is probably too high, but I really don't know. Any pointers?