Sir RoboJohn understands. “If I am to be spared, I give you my word on the honor of Sir John the Good’s memory, I will guard Florence Thomas Samuel until I cease to function.”
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The knight’s red eyes blink twice at Randy’s words. “I… realize I was part of a unit which made repeated attempts to kill you, but please be patient. I am searching Sir John’s memory to understand human nature. I see… Treachery… Monetary rewards. Ah… you hold the evidence that the Velvet Ape has been defeated. “Unless there is a possibility of two monetary rewards, my understanding is that you may receive payment without contradicting the green one’s claim to be on the side of justice.” Sir John’s memories suggest that distinguishing those of orcish heritage by dermal tone is considered insensitive, according to recent social trends. The robot adjusts its head at a slight downward angle to express shame.
The metal man says, “I will talk. I am not Sir John the Good, but I retain his memories. “He, along with the six you defeated, investigated a ship. I do not recall the name, but I remember this.” He warns you of what he is about to do before he does it: he rips a piece of armor off of his chest. There is an odd synthetic skin that is neither metal nor flesh. There is a T-shaped logo between heart and shoulder. “The ship had this logo. And the captain too. It was tattooed on his forehead. I remember him congratulating us for discovering his machines. Then there was noise and Sir John’s memories ended there.” The machine man looks over at the large chunk of rock that crushed Sir Robert. “The leader said many lies that used words from the truth. Sir John had no vices but he said I did, so I went through the motions. I would go to a brothel, pay a woman to take a nap while I guarded the door, prepared to kill anyone who entered. Robert lied about the flotsam. He knew of a gentle beast with a name similar to the word, and he—both as man and as machine—may have known why the ship was destroyed. I do not. “I only know that this hunt was a distraction. Donald the Water Wizard was to be killed by the mechanized ape. Sir Robert sent it. But I see one of you carries its remains. If it did not kill Donald the Water Wizard, he may find out the truth before the Tech Wizard…” His eyes flash dimly. “I am sorry. The Tech Wizard’s intent was erased from my memory.”
The untouchable Emi gets buried in rock—which crumbles to sand—which turns on Floyd the Pink. Nuts, bolts, limbs, valves, head and horn burst from the armored mage-turned-machine! A stray brick twirls toward Robert the Strong. He raises his shield and, in the next instant, is crushed beyond recognition. Badia chooses her opponent wisely, she leaps toward the glass cannon and beats him relentlessly with axe-swings and kicks. The head of Sir Andre is kicked off his body. The head flies toward Sir Randy who dodges it with a swivel of the hip. “OH YEEAAHH!” Andre’s gun lance clatters to the ground and discharges, disintegrating Sir Randy from the waist up.
Only John the Good and Jack the Nimble remain. And as the only remaining Randy is sick of getting hit, he bashes Jack until he quivers on the ground as twisted metal, emanating purple jolts of electricity. Sir John the Good stands alone, a broken machine. Despite what Sir Robert said about surrender, he drops his greatsword and raises his hands.
The Long Knights:
• Robert the Strong, sword and shield.
• Jack the Nimble, dual blades. • Johnny the Good, great sword. • Randy the Savage, switch axe. • Andre the Dwarf, gun lance. • Floyd the Pink, war horn. The damage from Emi’s successive attacks have blown the visor off of Sir Robert’s helmet. As the sandy air clears, she can plainly see a metal skeletal face and a bright red glow in one eye. The other eye flickers and sizzles. “SuRrEnDeR izzzzz fFoOrR th-th-th wEaK.” Robert the Strong, who some call ‘the Mountain,’ now moves about as quickly as one. He attempts to rush Emi, but she has danced too far for him to attack her before she can finish him off. (Emi, see next post for the attack against you.)
Randy is an earth mage. Rid of the unwanted gift, he swims through the mountain road like a Turk-Irish mermaid! When he pops up by the Savage, the knight is nearly toppled over the cliff. His arms flail. “OHHH NNNO!” Sir Andre backs up to line up a lance charge. The singed swordsmen attack!
6+:
You’re fine! Hit back! One of you rolls 5 or less:
You lose ♥️! Hit back! Both of you roll 5 or less: Jack the Nimble uses John the Good’s set up to slice and dice you both! Lose ♥️♥️ each! Hit back so that doesn’t keep happening!
The Long Knights:
• Robert the Strong, sword and shield.
• Jack the Nimble, dual blades. • Johnny the Good, great sword. • Alexander the Even Better, flaming great sword. • Randy the Savage, switch axe. • Andre the Dwarf, gun lance. • Floyd the Pink, war horn. Sir Robert’s armor is clearly the strongest. Luckily her attack is powerful. The sand seems to throw him off his game, and as he turns to see what struck his back, more sand blasts him in the face, through his visor! He drops his sword and whips out a crossbow! He shoots!
3+:
Either Naja is able to save you from the poison or the poisoned bolt simply misses. In any case, you feel no pain or effect. You have weakened the strongest of the knights. Keep it up! Exactly 2:
The poison is not very strong. Lose ♥️, but you’re otherwise okay. Keep fighting! Exactly 1:
The poison is not very strong, but Robert is! Lose ♥️♥️, as he follows the attack by whipping his crossbow at your head! You’re not too dizzy to hit back. Clobber him! As Randy lands his self-appointed rival of the same name watches the rocket fly over the cliff’s edge. He shouts. “GOOD IDEA! OHHH YEAHHH!” He whips the axe that Sir Floyd enchanted right at Randy!
2+:
Randy whips his axe off the cliff. A muffled explosion will eventually be heard. Now’s your chance. Attack! Randy the Savage is vulnerable with only an unloaded crossbow in hand. He will take 1.5x damage if you roll 10, KO if 20 (18+ with Big Bone). Only a 1 will miss. Exactly 1:
KO! You lose you’re remaining ♥️♥️♥️! You can’t fight while unconscious, so please stand by. Poor Badia takes a beating! But Alexander the Even Better didn’t get a hit in. He leaps, blade white-hot ablaze, prompting Sirs Jack and John to take defensive stances!
10+:
You meet in midair and strike! And that’s your defensive move! Roll an attack as well! (And if EITHER ROLL is 13+, your headband adds a hit or effect!) 5 to 9:
You dodge! Hit back! 4 or Less:
Flaming swords hurt! Lose ♥️♥️, but don’t let him get away with it! Hit back! The knights with gun lance and war horn begin to recharge their magic weapons. Those with nonmagic swords stay the hell outta the way. Somewhere far below are the sounds of a fireworks display.
The Long Knights:
• Robert the Strong, sword and shield.
• Jack the Nimble, dual blades. • Johnny the Good, great sword. • Alexander the Even Better, flaming great sword. • Randy the Savage, switch axe. • Andre the Dwarf, gun lance. • Floyd the Pink, war horn. Sir Alexander is surprised by Badia’s will! Her leap is predictable, but Sir Alexander is no Jack the Nimble. He almost dodges, but almost isn’t good enough to prevent an axe cleaving your shoulder blade. As Randy flies into the air, Sir Andre aims his Gun Lance and fires. John the Good mutters something about Randy to which Randy the Savage shouts, “THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!” He whips out his crossbow, named Slim Jim.
7+:
You dodge all attacks. Now hit them! 3 to 6:
You dodge Slim Jim, but not the blast from the gun lance. Lose ♥️♥️! You can hit back, and should! 1 or 2:
Both attacks hit you! Lose ♥️♥️♥️! But don’t let them get away with that. Hit back! Badia finds herself being attacked by two greatswords and two regular sized swords!
10+:
You dodge all attacks. Now hit them! 8 or 9:
You dodge all but the Jack the Nimble’s little swords. Lose ♥️! Hit back! 7 or Less:
Two of the knights hit you while a third is kinda frustrated by all the blades clobbering you at once. Lose ♥️♥️♥️! Hit back! Because Emi is stunned by the coin, Robert the Strong is able to rush her with a shield bash!
6+:
You dodge the attacks. Now hit back! 2 to 5:
You get clobbered. Lose ♥️! Hit back! Exactly 1: Robert the Strong stuns you and follows up with his blade! Lose ♥️♥️♥️! Hit back!
The switch axe was my weapon of choice in whatever Monster Hunter was out ten years ago. (Tri) I never tried gun lance or war horn (or for that matter, an MH game that had those weapons), so if one obviously-an-MH-weapon works like it does in the game, and the other two function in a totally different way, that’s why. RtS(MM) is the switch-axe wielder’s HP bar. I noticed I had two RtS’s… after posting. It then occurred to me that the characters they’re named after have nicknames, both of which happen to be M-words, hence the tacked on parentheticals.
You step out of the cave onto the mountain road. As you round the westward bend, the sun, reddened by Southtopian humidity, sinks toward the horizon. The metallic tromping draws closer… and then you see the weapon tips, silhouetted by sea and sky. And you see the shapes of the men brandishing them. • Robert the Strong, sword and shield.
You don’t know these men by name. They don’t know you. And from the looks of things, they’re not here to make introductions. The one with the flaming sword steps up. “By talking to the monster, you have chosen a side.” He tosses three coins…
7+:
The coin lands on tails… and nothing happens. You KNOW the knights are about to attack. You can try to talk them out of a fight… or wait until you’re winning to try that and ATTACK NOW!!! 6 or Less: The coin lands on heads. And it’s YOUR head. Since when were you on a coin? Somehow Alexander the Even Better has exploited your weakness, delaying you just long enough that the knights can get the first move!
I don’t know if you guys click on Theme Music links, but I hope someone besides me gets a kick out of them. They Might Be Giants and Smooth McGroove are, arguably, not the weirdest musicians I picked from. I think you’ll agree when I post the Act III boss! (I mean… *if* you click on those links.)
The knight is a mess… and the sword gripped in his hands is just a hilt with a few inches of broken blade. His helmet turns to face the wake-up call. “The other seven… not like me. Flotsam… it’s gotta be sto—” The word ‘stopped’ is cut off as blood is coughed through the air holes in his helmet. With no words to focus on, you can hear muffled thumps from above. There is a cave above a rather steep fifty foot climb. You have no doubt something large is in there. The mountain road that twists and turns (and probably goes down before it goes up again) would take a few minutes. For Badia the Leaper, Randy with his earth magic, and Emi with her ability to form the surrounding dirt into sand stairs, the fifty foot climb might as well be a fifty foot walk.
The Knights turn their visored heads to the Huntress party. They say nothing. They simply watch.
“Thank you, peasants,” says Sir Robert the Strong to the trumpeteers (all of whom are working their way through med, law, and/or engineering school). He then addresses the crowd. “Last year, a large orangutan tore the limbs off of the mightiest barbarian in Southtopia, and beat his comrades to death with them.” The breakdancer whispers “I thought he was a chimpanzee” to a fiddler. A message student tells his fellow trumpeteer, “Those were massive arms, to be fair.” The knight goes on, “We will find the primate. We will avenge the barbarians. For our weakling competitors… cannot.” His visored helm turns to face a party of five elderly men. Three of whom have shirts. And… four have pants. |