Kannonfodder's page

Yes. Do you see the zombie in this thread? Hop in the cannon while I aim it at his henchmen, Urizen.

"I would, but I'm being blinded by that there sparkling lad"

Nikolaus Athas wrote:

Also the zombies will starve in a world of Twilight fans - no brains = no food for them.

This is false. Brainless Twilight fans are used as cannonfodder *shows everyone the cannon* and guards for the intelligent fans.

"Yuh called?"

We have the half-elf and half-orc, so where's the half-dwarf?

"Ye not be being so tall there Shadow13. Would'ya by chance 'ave a little dwarf in ya, yurself? No? No, ye say? Would ya like one?"

Are NPCs welcome here or is this for "real people" only?

"Hey, short-stuff. Do you have a little dwarf in ya? ... No? ... Would you like one?"

James Jacobs wrote:

Folks'll just have to wait a few more months to see what's going on "between the chapters" of the PFRPG. It's pretty, though, that's for sure!

aka dwarven beardcake.

Ah! Now yur talkin'!

"More work for us," says one Kannonfodder to another, gesturing with a grin at the rundown towers.

The old Kannonfodder smiles and then nods across the room to the other elders without saying a word.

"A rousing speech, young Orlan," says the old man flatly. "As you said 'there be our king'."

The old man pauses for a full minute staring at Orlan and then asks, "We've found our king. Is he yours as well, or is he a cousin only?"

Orlan looks around at his assembled kinsmen with pride.

They look back at you expectantly.

"Before yer arrival," he explains, "We were set ta defend the Spires ta the bitter end lest they fall inta orc hands. But now that yuh're here, Torag has presented us with a greater opportunity. Now, we can protect our home and take the fight straight ta the orcs. We've got us a foothold in the halls o' our ancestors. An' we're not givin' it up...not ta beasts, not ta manipulative men like Sarpis, and most certainly not ta a bunch o' orc knuckledraggers!"

"Horrah!" cry the Kannonfodders.

He pauses for effect and then gestures toward Klyndak with his throwing hammer. "There be yer king!" he intones, "An' he be ready ta smash these orcs from the mountains an' teach 'em a lesson they'll never forget! Ta do it, he needs some o' yuh ta hold these Spires 'til he returns. Yuh need ta consolidate our gains. Improve the defenses o' the Spires. An' be prepared ta welcome back yer victorious brothers when we come marchin' home!"

The Kannonfodders cheer even more loudly.

Orlan looks around once more and then bellows to the rafters, "Now who's ready ta reclaim the birthright o' our ancestors...no longer the Hammerfoes and the Kannonfodders...but now fully become the Foehammers and the Canyonfathers?!"

A final rousing cheer from most of the assembled dwarves and sustained applause. Two of the older dwarves seem less enthusiastic. One makes his way over to Orlan.

"Good dwarves. Let me welcome you and your beards to the halls of your fathers."

"Horrah!" shout nearly fifty Kannonfodders.

" It has lain empty for too many years but its stone is still strong and it waits for the ringing of hammers and the toil of picks."

"Horrah!" shout nearly fifty Kannonfodders. "Let the hammers ring!"

" Unfortunately your return has not been all joy and song for you have seen that there are strange and evil forces that are still laboring against us. "

The sound of grumbling and muttering fill the room.

"In the mines below, strange monsters still lurk, strange crab like beasts that eat the brains of their victims."

The sound of grumbling and muttering stops dead. Worried looks are exchanged.

" There are also kobolds in the area."

"Horrah!" shout nearly fifty Kannonfodders.

" But an even more pressing duty is the army of orcs that is coming this way."

"Horrah!" shout nearly fifty Kannonfodders. "Let the axes swing!"

" It is imperative that I and my fellow laborers go to meet this horde and assess the threat. This surveying expedition must be on foot by morning. We have until then to make plans and reintroduce you to your ancestors halls."

The sound of grumbling and muttering fill the room. Worried looks are exchanged.

"Your majesty," speaks Tareg at last, "You would nah be after goin' without your army, would ye?"

flash_cxxi wrote:

Hugo Solis wrote:

Although I hear that hardcore dwarf-on-dwarf pr0n may get slightly censored...

Awww... you're no fun! ;)

Ahhh... so I can put me clothes back on then?

We might as well, I guess. Nice workin' with ya again, Stonefist.

There is some grumbling among the Kannonfodders that a sweating human is going to get heard before them.

The Kannonfodder clan enters the spires with great reverance. For five hundred years they have protected the Hammerfoe bloodline from certain danger -- usually by falling between certain danger and the Hammerfoe it was hurtling towards. They have done all this without revealing the secret of the Hammerfoe royal blood even to the Hammerfoes. Now, they get to see the fruits of their clan's endeavours. The spires reclaimed. They talk excitedly as Hru and Ovirid lead them towards the throne room pointing out things that need repair and things that need cleaning or rebuilding.

"We have 20 fighting men and women, 12 laborers, 10 craftspeople and merchants, 2 elders, and 1 priest. Wives and children will follow once the spires are secure, your majesty. With your permission of course."

"And what clan was that after bein'?" I ask with interest.

The messenger smiles with great pride, raises the trumpet to his lips and lets out three loud but tuneless blurrts. Originating from somewhere just beyond Marketspire, a cry echoes through the valley.

"All hail King Klyndak ..."
"All praise King Foehammer..."

The cheer would have been more impressive if they had agreed on what to say in advance.

Lowering the trumpet the dwarf replies, "The Kannonfodders! ... All of them."

There are NUMEROUS dwarven cities in the campaign setting. Off the top of my head there's Janderhoff in Varisia and Highhelm in the Five Kings Mountain region, but there are more.

And, at least some of them will be after gettin' some love soon too, I'm guessin'.

Half-orcs don't really have a "city," per se, but the Hold of Belkzen is lousy with them (and the capital of that nation is a conquered dwarven city).

Aye. A dwarf's work is never done.

*sharpens his axe*

chocolate covering dwarves is an excellent aphrodisiac!

That's what I keep tellin' 'em! 'Cause, you know me--I'm all about the ladies.

The art's already axed, alas. That single picture alone drew more criticism than any other piece of art we've used, I would guess, since the style's so different than what most RPG gamers are accustomed to. It was FAR more than a few traditionalists complaining.

Bunch of elves complainin' if ye ask me 'cause they didn't measure up.

I saw the new races line-up yesterday. It was done by Steve Prescott, who did the covers for Second Darkness. It has the same feel of the original races line-up but without the angular artwork and the 4-foot long elf ears. As for whether dwarves still like boxers.....

-Lisa

Boxers? Why hide wut Torag gave me?

... or that guy who I don't think ever got the message that you're not supposed to post in character outside of PbPs.

"What do you mean, you aren't supposed to post in character outside of PbP threads?" asks Clareg Kannonfodder uncomfortably.

Well, I for one, Kaeyoss, am convinced by your generalizations about people who play dwarves and understand that my self degradation is an embarrassment to both myself and those I play with.

I was foolish to think that it would be fun to add a little humanity to a hilarious and tired old stereotype!

In fact, I now think the term dwarf itself is demeaning to those who suffer from actual dwarfism and hereby swear to fight a battle everlasting against the munchkin nitwits who embrace this core race!

TO ARMS!

Aye! To arms!

Ah ... what?

I like dwarves.

Just sayin'

And we dwarves like Craig Shackleton.

I'm guessing this is the day that the Pathfinder RPG goes to press, which means it is as done as it's ever going to be and the whole office can breathe a collective sigh of relief?

Or a nearly forgotten Norse holiday which involves pigtails, hammers and dwarf tossing?

Ahem!

Ya gotta be payin' me extra fer that James.

I feel awful seeing so many people loosing jobs and hurting also.

I am currently temping at the University of Missouri. They just initiated hiring freezes and are preparing to layoff workers due to an expected 10-25% cut in funding! As a temp I won't be cut, and I expect to stay employed as a temp for the next year there. Perhaps in 2010 they will begin hiring again and I can get benefits. Until then a paycheck is good enough.

I hope to find out Monday if I get to stay where I am. The only down part to temping is an assignment may last 2 weeks and you wait for 4 weeks for a new assignment.

But I think I have made them dependent upon me enough that I may get to go ahead and stay.

Way to go Krome.

Kannonfodder wrote:

Sean K Reynolds wrote:

All right, this one's for the ladies. And some of the men, too.

unofficial Paizo beefcake fanart

"At least ya got a Santa wid a beard, yuh bunch of dwarf-hatin', smooth-palmed, beardless Paizonian gits."

Are you from the Gamer Den?

"Why ... you ... sputter ... fume!"

All right, this one's for the ladies. And some of the men, too.

unofficial Paizo beefcake fanart

"At least ya got a Santa wid a beard, yuh bunch of dwarf-hatin', smooth-palmed, beardless Paizonian gits."

Krome wrote:

Kannonfodder wrote:

Krome wrote:

ANd yeah, damnit, if we are going to be all about equal representation AND especially if you want your target market to idetify with your product there really should be more iconics that are obese, have long unwashed hair, scraggily facial hair, and a definitive sense of self doubt and lack of confidence but unusual intelligence. Where are those iconics that *I* can identify with?

"He be called Harsk, ya elf-lovin' sorry beardless excuse for a dwarf!"

WHO YOU CALLIN BEARDLESS!?!?! You itchin for fight????

*ponders* and who ya callin elf lovin? Well ok they are good for a quick tumble if you can get past the splinters... but that is all they are good for...

"YOU! Ya beardless git. All this whinin' about Seoni's boobies and ya never think tuh ask 'Where be her beard?'. She be dressed as Santa and she ain't got no beard? Now THAT is offensive!!"

"C'mon, soft-palm. Don't ya be hidin' in other threads. Get back 'ere."

I'm all for cheesecake images... as long as occasional beefcake images also show up. I'm all for an increase in the beefcake images, btw, though I understand that for some reason cheesecake sells better than beefcake. It's a shame really.

- Ashavan

"It be called 'beardcake' and yer lookin' at it!"

Kannonfodder wrote:

Krome wrote:

ANd yeah, damnit, if we are going to be all about equal representation AND especially if you want your target market to idetify with your product there really should be more iconics that are obese, have long unwashed hair, scraggily facial hair, and a definitive sense of self doubt and lack of confidence but unusual intelligence. Where are those iconics that *I* can identify with?

"He be called Harsk, ya elf-lovin' sorry beardless excuse for a dwarf!"

WHO YOU CALLIN BEARDLESS!?!?! You itchin for fight????

*ponders* and who ya callin elf lovin? Well ok they are good for a quick tumble if you can get past the splinters... but that is all they are good for...

"YOU! Ya beardless git. All this whinin' about Seoni's boobies and ya never think tuh ask 'Where be her beard?'. She be dressed as Santa and she ain't got no beard? Now THAT is offensive!!"

ANd yeah, damnit, if we are going to be all about equal representation AND especially if you want your target market to idetify with your product there really should be more iconics that are obese, have long unwashed hair, scraggily facial hair, and a definitive sense of self doubt and lack of confidence but unusual intelligence. Where are those iconics that *I* can identify with?

"He be called Harsk, ya elf-lovin' sorry beardless excuse for a dwarf!"

"Be this where the 'dwarven beardcake' auditions at? Dey is? Cue da music ..."

*begins stripping*

"Heck, it be after beating work as an NPC red-shirt, eh?"

"Anybody seen me brudder!?!"

Tarren Dei wrote:

One way to generate Pathgrinder would be to invite people to send in their PC death stories. Have the iconics (or anti-iconics)* die in exactly the way your PC did.

* If killing iconics again and again isn't good for the image, perhaps use anti-iconics. Change the gender of some: a scantily clad male version of Seoni; a female version of Valeros; leave Seltyiel and Harsk alone because with dwarves and elves who can tell; etc.

Aren't dwarves and elves the male and female form of the same species?

'ey! Dat's me kinfolk ya be badmouthin' der!

"By me brudder's beard!" -- used to swear an oath

"By me mudder's beard!" -- used to express astonishment

Not dwarf-fuzzy, but close.

Wuz that an insult? Ye got somethin' agains' a dwarf proudly wearin' the 'air Torag gave 'im? I'd be after talkin' tuh ye face-to-nekkid face 'bout that.

So is anyone else here mourning their inability to attend GenCon this year? I know it's a dark and drear morning for me because of it....<cries a little>

"Cannon fodder? Yer spellin' it wrong! Now which o' these durn keys is the 'refersh' key?"

'Harumph,' is after bein' an ancient word o' dwarven origin. It be meanin', roughly speaking, "I can't be disputin' the reality afore me but I'm plannin' on being annoyed at reality all the same."

"Ay! As in:

Pieces of Clareg are still tangled up around the creature's left claw. Other pieces are on the floor behind you. There is no saving him.

Clareg's axe sinks into the creature but as soon as he withdraws it a wave of positive energy closes the wound.

"Arggh! Well that ain't helpin'!"

"Stop all that mumblin' back there," complains Clareg to Hru as he misses the creature with his axe. "It's distractin'!".

"What? Ya mean ya got a plan?"

Clareg slips in front as Hru backs up. Swinging his waraxe he cuts a hole in the castiron body of the creature.

10 points of damage.

"This'll be the stuff of legend!" he mutters grinning.

"Lumbering half-orc! I can't get past 'im to take a swing!" complains Clareg before remembering that Hru can hear him. Clareg then calls out supportively, "Uh, ... try to 'it 'im! Knock its fool 'ead off!"

"A scanderig!!" cries Clareg "... I always figured at them bein' bigger than that..."

All the dwarven snobs lick rocks don't you know.

"All the dwarven snobs lick rocks you don't know."

"Chill me 'eart. Tappers. I think we got some tappers," says Clareg. Turning to the half-orc and the elf he explains "Undead dwarves come back to find the gems and gold they still 'unger for. The greed for gold brings 'em back from the grave and they tap away in the mines they knew in life ..."

Clareg shudders and grows silent.

"Make her stop! Make her stop!!" cries Clareg covering his ears.

Clareg strikes twice with his waraxe against the prone hag from beyond her reach. Both attacks hit. 13 pts damage + 7 pts damage.

"Now that big'n'ugly's got 'iz sword back, can we get back to a 'ackin' and a slashin' nasties?"