Count Reiner Heydrich's page

*Begins to strum the sentient pie*

What are you doing here!? And leave that pie alone, it’s not a toy!

*Quickly dispatches Comte de Malodor before he can do anything.*

*When Vampire Schism is given the letter from her father, it reads as follows:*

Hello daughter,

Firstly, let me assure that everything is alright, I'm currently in a sort of suspended state of time and space (along with Wally and everyone else). As such, my return is currently postponed until further notice. So, I'm granting you emergency powers to serve as "Acting Countess" until I am able to return. Secondly, in case you have independently thought about acquiring some more creatures for our private zoo, I would like you to obtain a male Tanystropheus (it's something of a personal favorite of mine). Hopefully, all is well with you and that I will be able to continue with the Fantastic Journey and then head home.

I look forward to your reply,

Dad

*Appears from the future (10 months later), via a time machine.*

Can't stay for too long, spacetime continuum and all that, but I must deliver an important message:

Multi-barrelled Halfling launchers are not to be used anymore, they're total fashion disasters.

*Starts to leave, then remembers something else.*

Wait, I almost forgot about the second message I needed to deliver.

*Guts Comte de Malodor like a fish by using a wooden spoon.*

Your wife does not forgive you going to the Esquilax Rodeo and forgetting about your anniversary dinner next week.

*Heads back to the future.*

Dear daughter,

Thank you for informing me about the apple cart situation. It's good to know that the therapy sessions are working out for it. Now I can save up to get you a brand new carriage.

And commendable work with the pets and activists, couldn't have done it better myself.

In regards to the adventure journals of Sir Wallace, I have now remembered that I did lend them out.

My sincerest apologies for that. However, Fish-Malkovich (whom I lent the books to) will return them later on today.

Greatly appreciate that you did not harm the professor, otherwise the project he's working on for me would never get done. I find it curious that he needs a lab for what he needs to do, but he excels at his tasks with phenomenal success. So it's probably best to leave him to it.

In the meantime, I'm sending a new acquisition to help out later on.

Take care of yourself until I get back,

Dad

*Writes out a letter to Vampire Schism (in red ink this time), during a brief interval.*

Fondest greetings, daughter, I trust all is well with you and that the castle is still in one piece.

*Chuckles at this, then realises how it could be interpreted.*

Hopefully, everything really is OK. As I have not heard from you in a while.

I have a few important tasks for you to do, so that everything can smoothly when I return.

1. Please send me a report on the apple cart, you should remember me saying that, in a previous letter, it is not to be upset under any circumstances. I do not wish to spend more money on expensive therapy sessions because of its overly sensitive nature.

2. Go to the castle library and research all books entitled "Where's Wally". I want you to familiarise yourself with everything, as I intend to go on another fantastic journey, this time with you.

3. Dedrick the professor is working on a project for me on the 3rd highest level of the castle. I'll explain everything when I return but, in the meantime, give him as much assistance as you can.

Again, hope all is well, and looking forward to hearing from you.

Dad.

*In between travelling with Wally, writes a letter to GoatToucher.*

Dear Uncle GoatToucher,

As you know, having been a regular - and much welcome - my guest at my castle, I am in possession of an apple cart. However, I have spent quite a lot of effort in making sure that nothing upsets the apple cart (it's very sensitive, and therapy sessions are just so ridiculously expensive). I do not wish to get rid of the apple cart, but I must know how to deal with the situation permanently.

Yours sincerely,

He who always serves tooth bread at parties and banquets.

P.S. I have asked my daughter, Vampire Schism, to look after my castle whilst I am away (with the help of Dowager Comtesse de Malodor). Do you think that you could pop in and see how everything is going? I'd be most grateful.

Daughter,

Unfortunate that my warning was late, do you know what she had?

Good work with the zombies and ghouls, however, they're not what I was talking about.

There are certain other horrors that make themselves known.

In any case, make sure that nothing upsets the apple cart (it's very sensitive and therapy is expensive).

*Returns from the most recent location, feeling terribly exhausted.*

I never knew just how tiring travelling could be, how does Wally find all the energy?!

*Gets the delivery of ink from GT's Sousaphone Monster.*

Excellent, writing in blue ink is very mundane and just not me. That being said...

*Uses the last of the blue ink to write a third letter to Vampire Schism.*

Daughter,

Please forgive the formalities of my letters, and thank you for sending the ink.

I'm currently recovering from the latest expedition, you'll find out all about it in the next postcard, and dealing with various matters that require my signature (hence the request, we vampires only use red ink. Plus, it's my favourite colour, most vampires prefer lilac.) How are things at the castle? With the warmer weather on the way, certain creatures in the area begin to really come alive, I'll explain later. In regards to writing to you, instead of using telepathy, it is because I am constantly moving and am at such a great distance (we can be in different dimensions/realities, but trying to communicate telepathically from the void is impossible). I hope this clears up a few things. Remember to stay in touch as often as possible.

Sincerest regards,

Father

P.S. Don't let Dowager Comtesse de Malodor eat anything from my personal larder, she'll get windy.

*Returns, briefly, to the motel in the void. Writes a letter to Vampire Schism.*

Hello, daughter,

I hope all is well still with you and thank you for the cutout, I can't wait to use it.

Regrettably, I will have to keep this short, as I'm going back out in a few minutes after writing this.

Please may you, if possible, send me some red ink. I've ran out of it a while ago (hence why this letter and the previous one is written in blue ink) and I can only write out/sign documents with that specific ink.

All the best,

Your father

*Gets the letter delivered, before leaving to go to the next location.*

*As Wally, the Count, and friends reach the end of the car park, they all teleport away.*

*Then, Pulg's Goblin Flugelhorn Band gets run over by a lorry (that is being driven by Pulg himself).*

*Reads letter, allows self a warm and tearful smile.*

That's so very sweet, I shall have to get some souvenirs.

*Quickly teleports to the post-office at Transylvania 65000, to pick up the cardboard cutout.*

It's really quite something, think I'll keep it safe for now.

*Goes back to the motel in the void, puts the cardboard cutout in my motel room.*

Alright, time to resume that fantastic journey with Wally!

*Leaves the motel with Wally and the others.*

1d4 ⇒ 2

A very lucky

*Writes a letter to Vampire Schism (using blue ink, as I'm out of red ink).*

Greetings, daughter,

I trust everything is well with you and that the castle is being well maintained and that Dowager Comtesse de Malodor has been able to provide assistance. I haven't received any news stating otherwise, granted, I've been on the move all the time.

Speaking of which, I am currently staying (along with Wally and everyone else) at some sort of motel that exists outside of time and space. Apparently, this is where Wally goes while figuring out where to go next. There's been talk of going somewhere you can "dream of 3 wishes", whatever that means. In any case, things are going to start getting more lively than usual.

Take care of yourself in the meantime, and send me a response, if you can.

Yours sincerely,

Count Reiner Heydrich

I don't what is more amusing, people being chased lions, or lions telling people to "Shhh!".

He was just walking by, anyway, the party has been over for a few days now.

Just for the record, everyone, I'll only be describing the scenes on the postcards along with revealing the location of Wally and the 23 travellers.
The rest of you get to decide where in the scene everyone else is (plus the star fragments) with double points being given if you get them interacting with the scene. You can even add a mystery follower (it has to be the same individual in each scene though). :-)

*After a few long hours, the servants' quarters are finally completed.*

I, Count Reiner Heydrich, hereby dedicate this new extension to honour the commitment of the workforce.

*Opens the door to the new wing, amid cheers and applause.*

Now, I must leave you, for I am going on a fantastic journey!

My daughter, Vampire Schism, will be left in charge.

Farewell, I shall return some day, keep an eye out for Wally's postcards!

*Transforms into a bat and flies away.*

Fantastic work, daughter, I know that the castle will be in safe hands with you.

Should you ever be unsure about anything, Dowager Comtesse de Malodor has agreed to assist you.

Thank you, my dear lady, I am eternally grateful.

Apparently, Wally has decided to call this location: "Heydrich House Party!" (because it was birthday recently).

I don't know where the next location is, just keep an eye out for Wally's postcards.

*Suddenly spots a man wearing a red and white striped jumper with matching bobble hat, blue jeans and glasses.*

Wally? What are you doing here?

*After wishing the count a happy birthday, Wally explains that he is going on another fantastic journey.*

Brilliant idea! And you say that you are going to 24 places instead of the usual 12, starting with my castle?

*Wally confirms this and says that he intends to go back to the Odlaw Swamp and a couple more old places.*

If that's the case, then I'll be the first of your eleven travellers!

Obviously, there's going to be 23 travellers (including me), not just 11.

Fret not, my dear lady, no offence was caused and I understand your confusion.

In any case, I will be leaving soon to join Wally on his Fantastic Journey, and I would like you to assist my daughter in managing the castle and surrounding areas. Is that OK with you? If not, I'll ask another.

Welcome back, daughter, and thank you for the report.

As promised, you will receive a big promotion, and here it is:

I hereby promote you to arch-viscountess (a title I have just invented, solely for you).

*Is especially cheerful this morning, opens the curtains and gets blinded by sun.*

What a lovely day! The weather is good and I'm going to enjoy myself!

*Gets dressed in the most fanciful attire.*

Today is my birthday! I can't remember how old I am now, but I do know that Jurassic Bard is now 32.

*Suddenly spots a man wearing a red and white striped jumper with matching bobble hat, blue jeans and glasses.*

Wally? What are you doing here?

*After wishing the count a happy birthday, Wally explains that he is going on another fantastic journey.*

Brilliant idea! And you say that you are going to 24 places instead of the usual 12, starting with my castle?

*Wally confirms this and says that he intends to go back to the Odlaw Swamp and a couple more old places.*

If that's the case, then I'll be the first of your eleven travelers!

*The interior walls are halfway completed.*

Let's see, there's something that my daughter told me to do, something to do with good luck.

Ah yes, I remember now, the talisman!

*Places a live, yet heavily sedated, cat into the interior walls as they are finished.*

Hey, that's not true! Having it off with the ammunition is a bit far out even for me.

This was before you found out that halflings make good ammunition, you brainless degenerate!

And if you don't believe me, then speak to an associate of mine: Limeylongears.

Progress Report.

All the gas and heating work has finished.
The inspector has arrived and approved everything.
The insulators have started.
Everything should be insulated by tonight.

The masons will start putting up the interior walls tomorrow.

Father, I have to be elsewhere tomorrow. Would you please make sure a live cat is entombed in one of the walls. Can't neglect the good luck talisman.

Also, when the contractor said it would take 14 days, I did not take into account them having Sundays off.
Thus the new wing will not be finished until Tuesday.

Fair enough daughter, you have done well, expect a big promotion when you return.

Count Reiner Heydrich wrote:

No, "Deathtrap" Duncan was a notorious prankster known for his lethal and puzzling "jokes".

Hence why, he gave himself the nickname of "Deathtrap" (he was inspired by the infamous Deathtrap Dungeon).

While Forrest O'Doom (no connection to Darkwood Forest, the actual Forest of Doom) was a petty baron from Khul.

They have since died, Deathtrap Duncan met his end (ironically) in Deathtrap Dungeon.

And Forrest O'Doom was victim to a mine collapse whilst searching for gold to improve his status.

What about the very well-upholstered Karen 'Settee' Porter-Trapps?

Also no, as she was a well-known halfling "entertainer". She took her own life after taking Comte de Malodor as a client.

If you want superior quality insulation - fast, I can put my mind to shedding a bit sooner. £4 per 20.5 litre sack, how's that?

I'll pay you £160 for 1.25 litres of hair you are able to shed.

Comte de Malodor used all his pillow stuffing fighting Sir Limey De Longears.

And I said that I would help him to replace all the pillow stuffing. -_-

I'll take the Baobhan Sith.

She will be a great guard in my vault.

Progress Report.
The electricians are finished.
The gas & heating and air crews finished the first floor and should wrap up everything tomorrow.
As soon as the building inspector gets here, the insulators will start.

Most exciting, please help yourself to my private larder, daughter.

If anyone deserves to enjoy sampling my personal food stash, it's you.

No, "Deathtrap" Duncan was a notorious prankster known for his lethal and puzzling "jokes".

Hence why, he gave himself the nickname of "Deathtrap" (he was inspired by the infamous Deathtrap Dungeon).

While Forrest O'Doom (no connection to Darkwood Forest, the actual Forest of Doom) was a petty baron from Khul.

They have since died, Deathtrap Duncan met his end (ironically) in Deathtrap Dungeon.

And Forrest O'Doom was victim to a mine collapse whilst searching for gold to improve his status.

Fair enough, I myself do not use such minions very much either.

Aside from zombies, ghosts and ghouls, I prefer intelligent undead such as the Baobhan Sith.

*Tents fingers.*

Excellent!

*Goes back to normal.*

How do you feel about having an undead minion, daughter?

Wait! Where did that come from?

That is not what I meant to say.
GRR!

Progress Report.
The roof is finished.
The masons continue on the outside.
The plumbers will finish today.
The electricians have started.

It's absolutely fine, daughter, and thank you for the reports as always.

During my search of the forgotten levels of the crypt, I found this and this.

Because of there being so many of the latter, I will take most of them and give you one of the spares.

That explains the tear in my cape.

How about something in the slime family?

I'll see what I can do.

Magnificent! Tell me, what new "pet"/minion you would like to receive?

*Horrendous screams are heard from a nearby room.*

Ignore that, it's just the Serpent Queen, she thinks the decor is pretty.

Um, sir (and The when), that "spider thing" is about to...

*The warning comes to late, as the Spider-Man bites The when and Pulg's Fairy Operatic Tenor.*

Oh dear, that's unfortunate.

*Pulg's Fairy Operatic Tenor and The when instantly die from the venom.*

Daughter, maybe it would be best not to have your "pets" roam about unchecked.

Not those ones, no. But I did steal the method of creating them, along with a certain Serpent Queen.

Very nice, the servants will be happy with the new living quarters!

And here is the other thing (aka, the Leaf Beast[s]), enjoy your new minions well, daughter.

Excellent, things are going very smoothly, you are my finest protégé yet, daughter!

I have managed to obtain two new minions for you: this and this. Which one would you like first?

Go ahead, I never used the summer Manor, it's good to know that it's being utilised.

You're welcome, there's more I have planned to give you, keep up the good work!

Excellent! Great job with the progress reports, daughter, I have a new pet for you.

I'm not there to do that, fortunately you are.

If you think that the acoustics are great now, you should join everyone else at the summer Manor.

Progress report.

The foundation has been poured and they are starting on the blocking.

Fantastic news! I'm almost finished with my little project, just a few more things.

*The interior of the castle is completely refurbished (and some of the rooms have been moved around).*

And with that, I'm done! Time to focus back on adding to the menagerie.

1d4 ⇒ 2

Against the tides

Alphonse likes them. What he likes doing with them doesn't bear thinking about, though (it takes a lot to make Orcus queasy, but the little beast managed it. Please, please don't ask for details)

I have no intention of asking, don't worry. Now, time for the renovation!

*The magic spell teleports everyone (except the count) to the unused summer Manor.*

Alright, let's get to work, might give the rooms a shuffle around as well.

*Uses some more magic to alter the interior of the castle.*

Agreed. I wonder if the Malodor household likes them? If you get the chance Pulg, ask them for me.

In the meantime, I will have the castle renovated, it's starting to look rundown (interior wise).

Since magic is going to be used, no-one has to do anything. But the castle will get cleared still.

The magic will automatically teleport everyone (except me) to my - unused - summer Manor.

Don't worry, the Manor is clean and newly refurbished. I just never used it.

That's a valid point, I know that I like Werther's Originals, but I'm not sure about anyone else.

Jambi doesn't eat Werther's Originals, too buttery for his liking. Or so GoatToucher tells me.