Brooke Babylon's page

Brooke play-acts a sort of hissy that, if this weren’t a movie and she weren’t a costar, would draw a lot of attention. Especially in a bikini.

She slams her Round 1 sign to the ground— (Sound effects make slamming cardboard possible.) —and says, “C’mon, boys!” The two men in Ring 1 both stop fighting and give Clara quizzical looks. “Not you.” One man immediately punches the other, who cusses and hits back. Blood gushes from nostrils! (It’s a close-up. God only knows who hit whom.)

Clara looks to Ring 2. “Show the chump who’s champ!” To Ring 3, “Beguile that f&*+er!”

She then climbs up to where the flying trapeze is normally performed. She grabs the swing by the handle and cheers!

“Johnny Johnny Johnny go!
Not Hollywood I mean John Snow!”

She flips in the air, falls to the net, bounces up and splits-jumps!

“Snowball Fight time! Johnny go!
Kick his butt not his balls though!”

Stunt while yelling: 2d6 + 3 ⇒ (3, 4) + 3 = 10
+1 forward to John Snow

Clara is the first Ring Girl to come out and strut her bikini-clad stuff. She holds up the ROUND ONE sign, not really all that interested in the men in her own ring.

“Show ‘em how it’s done, boys,” she says to the movie audience since there’s no chance Hugo or John heard her. The camera flickers from her eyes to John to her eyes to Hugo…

Her eyes linger on the lead man.

Read a Person (Hugo): 2d6 + 1 ⇒ (5, 2) + 1 = 8
• What does your character wish I’d do?

Totally unnecessary jump-cut to Clara in a dressing room where other young B-movie actresses are dressed as bikini-rollerskating-waitresses, bikini-clowns, a bearded lady in a bikini…

Of course when Clara removes her jacket, she only has a bikini top underneath. Of course it’s purple like everything else on her. She starts to rummage through large pieces of cardboard. “Where’s the Round 1 sign?” she asks as if to assert her place as the only woman whose job is important. “They can’t start the fight if I don’t hold up the Round 1 sign.”

It’s a stupid line that, in the original draft of the script, is how she would save Little Orphan Andie from having to fight Head Ripoff Bob—by holding up a sign that says Round Zero so the fight can never be.

“Oh, screw it!”

She tears the Round 10 sign in half. It technically now says RO 1. And the other half that would have resulted in an UND 0 is where the Round Zero sign would have come from.

But this scene is scrapped, NOT because the sign-ripping makes no sense. But Andie’s poofy red mane is great for a decapitation scene. And it’s totally original too—the fake head has an entire spine attached to it! That sort of thing may have happened before in one of those creepy Italian horror flicks from the 70s, but in American theaters, the front row will be paved in popcorn vomit! Or so one would hope.

Meanwhile, Clara sorts the signs while humming the melody of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.

An arm hooks around Clara's neck…

“Ack…?”

Clara remains seemingly helpless in the fighter’s grip. She only jolts briefly from the surprise lock, but rather than struggle, she endures the taunts. When the medallion is tossed, her eyes narrow.

Finally the man catches it and Clara breaks free. She straightens her posture, trying to salvage whatever dignity she can. She purses her lips and replies, “You know nothing, John Snowstorm.”

She then walks off in a huff—in the general direction of the barker, but her specific destination is not that of the men. And she’s already signed her contract.

But for the benefit of the audience (especially since we’re still a few years away from the video game world pitting Chun-Li and Sonja Blade against an otherwise all-male cast of fighters), there are giant signs that say ROUND 1, ROUND 3 and ROUND 10 to confirm, yes, audience, she’s the ring girl. But you knew that when you came in here, didn’t you?

It actually says that in the script.

Co-starring Brooke Babylon as Clara Kent.

Purple pleather boots with thick soles strut along the pavement.

FADE IN: Intro music by all-girl metal band “Vixen”…

As the camera pans up, still all boot until it rises to mid-thigh. Then it’s a lot of skin.

Purple hair flip.

Cut to full body shot of Clara in purple thigh-highs, a purple teeny-bikini bottom, and a purple pleather jacket. Her hair and clothing are all the same purple.

Jump cut to “rear view.” Clara has a tattoo that her bikini does not cover, about where curve meets leg:

氣

It’s supposed to say “naughty” in Chinese (淘氣), but one of the temporary tattoo stamps went missing. But meh, it’s not like any of the audience knows the meaning anyway. And the second syllable of naughty is “tea,” right?

"What's that over there?"

Close up of Clara’s lips (also purple) as she answers Hugo’s question, “Ask that same question when you’re in the corner of the ring. Make sure the man in the opposite corner overhears you. It’ll bruise his ego, making it easier for you to bruise him.”

She flashes a smile.

“That’s Lesson One,” she says to Hugo even though this is actually the first time the two characters ever crossed paths and they don’t even know each other’s names.

‘…YET’ implied. The audience knows this is Love At First Sight.

(It is known Brooke has renegotiated her contract. In big red letters, ‘I DON’T KISS. I DON’T DO MORE THAN KISS. I DO LESS.’ The filmmakers are saving themselves a lot of legal hassle by hiring Playbox centerfold Jenny Stuntbutt. She looks like Brooke, only blonde. Nothing the right shade of purple can’t fix.)

“We did it, Sir Thwack.”

The camera makes sure to show Goran’s dead face* to include him in the pronoun ‘we.’

*and the pecs, and one massive bicep. The other bicep is obscured by the pecs.

Not included are the dead amazons since those actresses are actually seen alive, as this scene was filmed before the young ladies were given an opportunity for a death scene.

They are not among the six amazons tasked with carting Goran’s body. The six from the ‘love scene’ that are supposed to help out later! And they are also not in the shot of Helga, Hanna, Ur’Gak and Captain Sylva on horseback.

And if the were-they-dead-or-just-KO’d isn’t already baffling John Q. Fanboy, the multifaceted temporal paradox created by the Time Scissors actually angered critics.

The wind blows, whipping Hanna’s hair wildly. Whichever way it blows, the Barbarian Queen moves on, ever forward, head held high…

The very idea of Hanna the Barbarian with two swords vs. Gisela the Nonmartial Caster Class is a decidedly unfair fight. Hanna had already established her distaste for winning easily. At least against a woman. With men and monsters, she took every advantage she could to mow them down barbarically.

But anyway—

“Bringing knives to a sword fight? Let’s trade!”

She draws her left hand back. Gisela does the same.

Both queens hurl their off-hand blades at once with deadly accuracy!

Close-up: Gisela’s knife soars through the air, blade forward!

Close-up: Hanna’s Time Scissors soar in the opposite direction, blades closed!

A ghost-pirate (“Skullbeard”) fades in, hands on the long knife and rushing forward to kill Hanna at the Dark Amazon Queen’s bidding!

Hanna’s Time Scissors open in flight!

Gisela’s second knife is hurled forward! A skull faced ghost man in a disco suit rushes alongside Skullbeard!

The Time-Scissors bust both ghosts at once!

Close-up: Gisela’s throat. “Oh, shit.”

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1717 A.D.
The Eighth Sea

Skullbeard the pirate is about to board a ship full of fair maidens and orphans!

Both Captain and ship are sliced in half!

“YAY!” the kids cheer as pirates thrash desperately for life but, in the interest of keeping this scene quick, not one of them can swim or tread water. Gargled screams are heard as the men go under!

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1979 A.D.
Club Laser Disco

A disco dancer makes an unwanted advance. “No means no!”

The disco dancer says “No means SLAP!” but as he raises his hand in anger, the hand is cut off. Blood sprays all over the overhead disco ball. Both the dancer and disco itself die at once!

The dancer’s body slumps onto the colorful light-up tiles in a John Travolta pose, body sliced in several places. The tiles light red as the pools of blood spread over them.

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65,000,432 B.C.
Pangea

Gisela’s headless body rides a pterodactyl. Several dinosaurs now to the headless rider but one: a ridiculous large tyrannosaurus rex with blood leaking from his slit throat.

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2010 A.D.
The Moon Base

Scientists hook up the head of Gisela to a machine.

“Tell us, O Ancient One. What was it like back in you day?”

“It was like…”

The scientists’ machine cracks in two, revealing a robot body!—or more accurately, a FEMBOT body!

The scientists cower as Gisela laughs maniacally…

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Present Day
Gisela’s Lair

Hanna stands over the body of Goran, and with her are Sir Ur’Gak Thwak and all of the amazons. Candi’s and Mandi’s actresses are playing Brandi and Sandi, the aforementioned wounded amazons. Audiences debate to this day whether or not this is actually Candi and Mandi. Even the film crew can’t agree on this!

Hanna isn’t sure how to deal with the loss of the stone giant. So she answers him, “You’re welcome,” “You’re welcome,” and “Okay.”

And she’s touched. And she rises, proud of who she is and who her friends are.

She turns to the last man standing. “Sir Thwack, keep my amazons safe. I’ve four deaths to avenge.”

(Seventeen takes, and not once did anyone say ‘hey what about the other ten men that died at the beginning of the movie?’ Only Candi, Mandi and Goran were sad according to test audiences. And some forgot about the queen and thought maybe Sandi didn’t pull through after all.)

She then takes the Sword of Sunshine and Rainbows in one hand, and the Time Scissors in the other. Through her teeth she says,

”Let’s

“dangerous.”

Killer Line: 2d6 ⇒ (5, 6) = 11
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
• +1 next roll

The line is delivered like a star ahead of her time! Specifically, the 90s, when Darkwing Duck rips her off with the same exact delivery, but by a male cartoon duck so everyone forgets Hanna said it first while ad-libbing on the seventeenth take!

“F*%#! They killed Brandi and Sandi too?!”

Sergeant Dandi calls out, “Brandi is lightly bruised and Sandi is being treated for an arrow to the leg, Princess. I’m confident both will pull through.”

Hanna gives the amazons a signal to stay back for now. They can kick ass later per my first “love scene.” She’s about to rush the main enemy, but…

…she notices Goran has been impaled. So instead of easily decapitating the evil sorceress while she’s down (which devil-worshipping nerds refer to as ‘rushing the caster,’ the one barbarian-vs.-wizard tactic that works 95% of the time), she kneels down beside the mountainous muscle man.

“Oh, Goran… this is” so fake. One half of the staff doesn’t align with the other, and they literally cut the prop in half, so that doesn’t account for Johnny’s girth! “as bad as it looks…” It is possible that Hanna’s tears are actually Brooke crying at the realization of how lame her first lead role movie is, and that she will be forever on the B-list! The call us ‘chucklef%+$s.’ But is it really us? Or are we chucklef*#+ed by circumstance? “…I don’t want to lose you,” she wails to her career. “Why… WHYYY, HAAAIIII, HWAAAIIIH???!”

Emote: 2d6 + 1 ⇒ (6, 3) + 1 = 10
• Goran gets +1 if he lives.
• Sir Thwack gets +1 if Goran dies.
• I get +1 either way!

Hanna says to the queen, “Lady, you’re in my seat!”

Killer Line: 2d6 ⇒ (4, 3) = 7
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
• taking +1 since Camaraderie is max’d
• of course someone is enraged and immediately attacks Hanna!

Hanna immediately draws her blade and—

Violence: 2d6 + 2 + 1 ⇒ (5, 4) + 2 + 1 = 12
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
• +1 harm
• messy
• something explodes

It’s way too early to do anything significant to the Dark Amazon Queen, so whatever blood is being splashed around from Hanna’s wild blade is apparently not the queen’s. It may not be apparent whose blood it is! Hanna is simply yelling—

“YARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!”

And blood is splashing all over her body!

”—ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!”

And some of it gets into her mouth!

“—ARRRRRRRG-G-G-GL-GLARRGL!!”

And a bunch of shit explodes!

BOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!
“—ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!”

And some guy’s head is impaled on Hanna’s blade!

”—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!”

Hanna closes her eyes and looks away.

Not the tongue again. Brooke reminisces about the first two times she worked with those actresses when they were teenagers. They played Mandy the Mutilatrix’s victims in Mandy Can, then in Mandy Can Too, they played the twin ghosts in the Hotcycle Hall scene. They had a cute dance number, though critics thought a musical dark comedy sequel to a teen slasher flick was in poor taste.

She has Helga fall in with Captain Sylva and the other amazons. “We will avenge our sisters and my mother. The time has come, the time is now.”

The director yells CUT just in the nick of time as Mandy and Candy giggle and whisper to each other, “One fish, two fish!” “Red fish, blue fish!” “Tee hee!” Tee hee hee!”

In the theater release, the girls are seen whispering and fans debate to this day whether or not Candi and Mandi canonically died and who is worse, the actresses or the editor.

Violence, fwd: 2d6 + 2 + 1 ⇒ (1, 6) + 2 + 1 = 10
• Inflict terrible harm (+1 harm)
• The target is knocked down
• You make a mess (-messy)
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

The two women roll about in the honey, bodies sticky and glistening and golden! There are gratuitous close-ups of butts and legs, abs press against abs, soft curves, hard muscle, wet sounds! The half-naked embrace seems eternal to the actresses. But after hours of filming, the fight scene is only 20 seconds long.

The fight ends with Hanna on top of Helga, dunking her face in the honey. Drowning her.

(Only, during filming, something had gone terribly awry! The actress playing Helga was actually drowning in the honey flooding her throat!

Brooke’s EMT training from her freshman year in college paid off! She gave her fellow actress mouth-to-mouth!)

Love Scene???: 2d6 + 1 ⇒ (3, 6) + 1 = 10
• +1 when you protect or help your lover for the rest of the film
• Your head is clear for days; +1 for the scene.

The camera zooms in on the locked lips, writhing bodies, honey drooled from Hanna’s lips, Helga’s wide eyes, honey coughed up!

“You… saved me?” Helga says, genuinely surprised.

Hanna responds in character. “Why would I kill a woman, when I can rule her?”

Hanna yells, “AVOOOOOIIIIID THE mechaNOOOOIIIIDS!!!!”

Crazy While Yelling, fwd: 2d6 + 2 + 1 + 1 ⇒ (5, 1) + 2 + 1 + 1 = 10
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
• +1 fwd

Hanna doesn’t avoid the ’noids by taking a wide berth, but rather, she charges right through them! Their rubber arms, clamp-hands and chainsaw noses all flail wildly and consistently miss the barbarian princess as she slow-motion runs, jumps, tucks, rolls and pirouettes through!

She then bumps face first into a pair of sweaty armored breasts. She lets out a string of cuss-words that would make Popeye choke on his spinach!

Sheer Terror, fwd: 2d6 + 2 + 1 ⇒ (3, 4) + 2 + 1 = 10
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
• Someone falls
• Someone drops something

Helga is so horrified, she drops her hammer! Hanna takes her sword and—

—tosses it over her shoulder. She looks down at Helga, lying on her back on the castle floor. She’s right near the edge of a pit where steam is rising. A lava pit? Acid? Boiling oil?

Hanna dives on top of Helga and the two women tumble over said edge into a pit of honey!

“Looks like you’re stuck with me,” Hanna says to her opponent as she wraps her arms and legs around her, and the two roll around in delicious hot honey!

Killer Line: 2d6 ⇒ (4, 5) = 9
• +1 fwd
• Helga becomes enraged and attacks me!

Brooke was forewarned that, like the thirteen dwarves of The Hobbit, the two with rhyming names are doomed. For this reason, she pays more attention to Candi and Mandi, sometimes referred to as Candi andi Mandi by that f@%@ing idiot.

Hanna stops glaring at the key grip and continues her speech. “—two pepperoni’s, a meat-lover’s, three veggies and a Hawaiian. Anyone who says pineapple and pizzas don’t mix CAN GO F*## THEMSELVES!” She raises her sword as the amazons cheer at her decisiveness!

The key grip mutters something about pineapple pizza being a chick thing. It doesn’t matter if he can be heard because there is music playing as Hanna addresses her ladies. It was decided the audience didn’t give a shit what she said. The audience just cares about butts.

Butts storm the castle!

Stunt: 2d6 + 2 ⇒ (3, 6) + 2 = 11
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
+1 fwd

In a slow motion walk, hips swaying, ass debatably bare and flanked by other asses covered in a string or less, Hanna leads her entourage to the castle door. They tear through it like paper.

Because it actually is paper.

Foam bricks rain from above and a quick-thinking crewman dumps a tool box to make what passes for a better door-breaking sound.

It sounds like, instead of breaking a door made of paper, the girls broke a door made of hammers.

Next scene: Hanna is riding a horse. Those six amazons are apparently not with the party. The princess wears a stern expression, like that of a warrior leading her squad to their next conquest. Or that of a diva who’d just had a heated argument with her agent.

Hanna observes the pile of scantly clad ladies, hands on hips. “I was hoping to make a fur coat from that beast. Now what am I supposed to wear? You?”

Killer One-Liner: 2d6 ⇒ (4, 6) = 10
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
+1 fwd

The line is good. Maybe a little too good, as all six horny amazons rise and group hug the princess. She topples over!

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA DON’T TOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH!!”

Cut to Mandi and Candi shrugging at a writhing pile of legs in the foreground.

Love scene?: 2d6 + 1 + 1 ⇒ (3, 3) + 1 + 1 = 8
• they’ll show up later and provide critical aid

Hanna clings to Goran’s massive bicep! “Oh for—”

The rest of her words are “—f&~$’s sake, can’t I have a stunt double do this swoony shit?” But that is cut. Next is a close-up of Hanna looking way less pissed off with her fake plastered smile.

“—the glory of Amazonia, thank you for saving us! Even—“

”—though I’m the f$@&ing lead character and an independent woman, so what the f#%!?” also gets cut.

A bare-assed stunt double is seen from behind, clinging to Goran’s arm.

Voice-over: “—my monkey, Glitch, thanks you! You male—”

“—f%%+ing pigs?! Hire a woman to write my lines, goddammit!!!”

“—strom of might!”

Brooke says, “I. Have. A plan…”

Yelling Stunt: 2d6 + 2 + 1 ⇒ (1, 3) + 2 + 1 = 7
“THWACK HIMMMMMMM!!!”
• fall down
• +1 fwd to Ur’Gak

Hanna charges at the monster and does a giant flying somersault!

Violence: 2d6 + 2 ⇒ (3, 2) + 2 = 7
• inflict 2 harm
• but get driven back

She slashes the beast with an overhead strike, but her sword bounces off the fogre’s humongous head! Hanna triple backflips and falls flat on her face!

As much as Brooke didn’t want her barbarian movie debut to be a fantasy version of her scream-queen days, which consisted of several half naked hotties (per film) ending up as ‘sexy’ blood-soaked corpses, the love-scene that gives way to a doomed amazon or two made the cut. The actress gets it… death scenes are fun, and those ladies took initiative to get a slightly bigger part.

Hanna nods to Ur’Gak’s words. But before she can say anything aloud, there is a close-up of the sapphire stone on her circlet.

“Captain Sylva. I know of two more statues each within a day’s travel, but in nearly opposite directions. We should split.” Of course this is the excuse to get the amazons out of on-screen battle, as they look more like centerfolds than warriors.

Captain Sylva replies, “I can’t leave my queen with only two men to protect her. Perhaps two women can join you as well.”

Hanna looks to Goran’s doomed lovers with a look of resignation. In classic action-movie-lead fashion, she immediately absolves herself of any responsibility for the predictable, unnecessary, easily-preventable gratuitous tragedy: “You have proven yourself to be my Mother’s wisest tactician. I will heed your advice. It seems I have my volunteers.

“Or Goran does,” she b@@#!ily remarks.

The two actresses giggle in anticipation of their death scenes. The audience is hard-presses to see giggling as being an in-character reaction to anything.

Cut to Captain Sylva and her small army of bikini warriors who will somehow all survive their offscreen adventure.

Cut to Hanna’s practically bare ass as she leads two nigh-invulnerable men and two sacrificial not-maidens to the next scene.

It is unclear how these women survived if they were turned into the monsters, or were their souls trapped in the monsters, and the goblin deaths led to a sort of resurrection? The writers could only agree on one thing: the audience doesn’t give a f%%%.

Hanna helps one woman up by the hand, and others help each other. Two of them are side-sitting next to Ur’Gak while others admire Goran’s muscles.

Hanna addresses the woman she helped up. “Captain Sylva. Please escort your ladies somewhere safe. We will regroup before long.” Noting how the amazons looks at the men, she adds, “But not too long.”

With a whipping motion, Hanna flicks the blood from her blade. She has a perplexed expression, not really reacting to the wumm wumm sound of the sapphire gem on her circlet pulsating an aqua glow. The TV edit cuts to an Aquafresh commercial here.

“They’re here… but…”

A sudden zoom to an O-shape of Hanna’s lips. She covers her mouth. The audience is given about 2.5 seconds to imagine something horrific!!!

…but what they see are a pile of technically-not-naked women writhing over each other, bodies oiled in goblin guts.

The boss goblin way too conveniently plummets toward Hanna the Barbarian. She strikes true with a perfectly choreographed swing on the fifteenth take!

It’s so perfectly executed the special effects crew just has to add a burst of colorful glimmer, for this is The Sword of Sunshine and Rainbows!

Violence: 2d6 + 2 + 1 ⇒ (6, 6) + 2 + 1 = 15
• 3 harm
• cause an explosion
• if there are minions, the explosion hits a bunch of people!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

♥️♥️♥️

Hanna throws her monkey at the flying goblin boss!

“Sic ’im, Glitch!”

Yelling Stunt: 2d6 + 2 + 1 ⇒ (3, 2) + 2 + 1 = 8
+1 fwd, Glitch falls! (What goes up must come down!)

Hanna says, “We need a plan to take out this many adversaries. Goran, you and I can head down the mountainside. Ur’Gak, thwack an arrow into the skull of a goblin in the back of the fray. I want them to run toward us knowing those who step too far from my blade face an alternate death.

“Be wary. I’ve a feeling my women are here… but where?”

Hanna doesn’t wait for any alternative suggestions because the audience would start using their brains and realize the best tactic would be to hold off on melee until Ur’Gak thwacks and thwacks and thwacks several goblins until they hide. Gravity is definitely on Ur’Gak’s side and cliff edges make a great cover if the goblin archers shoot upward.

“On my signal.”

Cut to an exciting-but-tactically-reckless shot of Hanna running down a cliffside.

“BORRRRAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!”

And yelling. It’s obviously Hanna’s signal.

Yelly Stunt: 2d6 + 2 + 1 ⇒ (6, 6) + 2 + 1 = 15
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ / +1 forward to Goran

When she gets close to the bottom of the cliff, she flip jumps and cleaves a goblin in half from skull to scrotum!

Violence: 2d6 + 2 ⇒ (2, 3) + 2 = 7
• inflict harm, take harm

Though her foes are weak, they are many in number. Hanna parries what blows she can, but streaks of blood paint her toned abs like a morbid game of tic-tac-toe!

Hanna looks ridiculous with the large contraption on her head. Yet she maintains a straight face as she replies to Ur’Gak, “It seems that Glitch understands his purpose better tha—”

Lightning suddenly strikes Hanna in the head! Her contraption bursts!!

As the smoke clears, she rises, wearing what’s left of the contraption. It conveniently looks like a simple tiara with a single sapphire stone over the forehead.

“I… I think I know where my women are.” She points the way with her sword. (So apparently getting struck by lightning was a good thing?)

“With. The. Missing. Women, you simian pervert.”
One Liner, fwd: 2d6 + 1 ⇒ (5, 4) + 1 = 10
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
+1 fwd

The predominantly male audience was relieved that Hanna was not trying to initiate That Kind Of Threesome, and in addition, the actress herself was so adamant about not doing a love scene she seemed like she REALLY wanted the muppet to get that through its felt skull.

The result at premiere night was loud guffaws, eyerolls from girlfriends, and maybe a bit of you-go-girls. Brooke might have found herself an unexpected fan base from this line, and the feeling behind it, which was not a shot against her costars but something else that the 80s didn’t yet have an explanation for. Especially for a young actress showing this much skin.

Hanna surveys the charred bodies… and the one charred disembodied head.

“Mother is dead,” she says grimly. “And you two are the only men left. I fear I have to ask you a favor… if I’m to be a true amazon queen, I will require men to produce daughters.”

“…OOOOOOOOOOO—”

Her sword slowly twirls in the air as she lets it go, leaps, and slow-motion sextuple-flips!

She collides with very large mountain man, causing him to veer off course, missing the window! His body crashes through the stone wall instead and Goran STILL ends up tumbling through, but fortunately, his muscular calf gets wedged in the Goran-shaped hole in the wall. The extremely muscular actor can easily do a vertical sit-up to free himself.

Cut to the window. Hanna’s legs are seen outside the window, falling from sight!!!

“—OOooOOOOooOOoooo!!”

Silence.

Just a window is seen for a few seconds. A few too many, since nobody in the audience believes the title character dies.

A hand with woad nail polish reaches up.

Than the other hand.

Hanna’s head pokes up.

“I always hated that view.”
Killer Line: 2d6 ⇒ (2, 6) = 8
• the corny line slows the action, not in a good way
• +1 forward

“…OOOOOOOOOO…”

Stunt, Yelling: 2d6 + 2 + 1 ⇒ (1, 3) + 2 + 1 = 7
• +1 forward goes to Goran the Mountain
• Hanna leaves her sword behind

Hanna runs in slow motion!

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…”

Hanna turns to the shadows of her men. “You will taste a rainbow of flavor,” she says bitterly.

During a heavily censored 1994 television presentation, there is a cut to a commercial. Specifically, the first Skittles ad to use the slogan inspired by this very cult classic!

“BRAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!” Hanna shouts as she charges the shadows. ”AH F!*@!!!” Or, in the 1994 TV version: ”AH-WHOOOPSIE DAISEEEY!” even though her lips are obviously mouthing an F-bomb.

Hanna trips over a writhing ally and gets pummeled! Fortunately, the shadows keep aiming for the shiny part of her bikini armor. The princess rises, shoving her sword through shadow’s throat!

Violence, Fwd: 2d6 + 2 + 1 ⇒ (1, 3) + 2 + 1 = 7
• inflict 2 harm, take harm, 1 armor lightens the blow

“I said ‘b*&&!,’ not ‘Glitch,’” Hanna explains to her monkey as she hacks and slashes her own shadow.

Hanna draws her sword. “My hope is the Sword of Sunshine and Rainbows.”

It was the 37th take. Brooke was getting sick of saying Sword of Light. She started mispronouncing it as Right and White and Night, which is definitely not a good sword to defeat shadows. She said “Sunshine and Rainbows” so deadpan serious there was no Take 38.

The Hanna the Barbarian action figure comes complete with the Sword of Sunshine and Rainbows, Karate Chop Action Glitch sold separately.

She stands between her mother’s head and the shadow of herself.

“Get away from her, you B@$+~!”

Violence, Forward: 2d6 + 2 + 1 ⇒ (6, 3) + 2 + 1 = 12
⭐️⭐️⭐️
• inflict 3 harm
• the shadow falls down
• something explodes (in a sunny, rainbowy way?)

“Ma… mah?”

Close up of Hanna’s eye welling. Cut to Queen Mother’s wide eyes. Hanna’s brow twitches. Cut to blood dripping off the throne’s edge. Hanna’s tear trickles through the woad on her cheek. Queen Mother’s mouth is agape. As is Hanna’s.

She unleashes a deafening shriek!
Emote, Forward: 2d6 + 1 + 1 ⇒ (5, 3) + 1 + 1 = 10
• +1 forward for acting on her grief
• +1 forward to Goran if he feels it now, and acts on it later

The camera sharply zooms back, depicting a canopy of trees and distant mountains. The shriek remains audible! Flocks of birds rise above the tree line by the thousands. They scatter.

Close-up of Hanna’s uvula. The shriek is sustained—

—until it isn’t.

Hanna is seated on the throne holding the decapitated head against her breast. Her legs are doused with the Queen Mother’s blood. She appears to be torn between sobbing and being strong for the men.

Hanna enters the gate. It has no guards, which half the audience might think strange. The princess calls out, “Ma-MAH… Ma-MAH?” as if saying Mama with an accent to sound Foreign.

…but it’s the monkey that kisses her.

It turns out that in Brooke’s Teen Scream Queen days, she always played a survivor because of the The Virgin Always Survives trope. In some movies, her character’s boyfriend was gratuitously mutilated just as she was seemingly about to be deflowered. Since aging out of horror flicks (by not being a minor), Brooke has refrained from love scenes. Even in Terrorforming Mars, a woman lieutenant was written in to try out a female-female love scene… but Brook kissed her like one would kiss a baby sister. You know what I think? I think Brooke has a problem with intimacy.
~Ed.

Ed’s just pissed because he asked Brooke out and was turned down.
~Anonymous

“Isn’t he the most adorable thing?” She ruffles the monkey’s muppetty fuzz. Some loose blue hairs statically cling to her hand, then get caught in the wind and blow away. The camera follows them, centering on Goran.

Hanna replies to him. “The monkey has combined magic and technology, to create Magitechnology!” It’s a stupid word, so the actress ad libs, “Or Magitech for short.”

Hanna the Barbarian is later featured in a comic that blends sci-fi and fantasy because of this word. Her enemies, mostly Badly Drawn Men in Unimaginative Space Suits, are the sci-fi part, and the fantasy element is the ‘the Barbarian’ part of Hanna’s name.
~Ed.

Also, f#$$ you, Anonymous.
~Ed.

“Our cunning plan,” she replies. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”

She looks as if about to kiss…

Hanna revises her answer, “I mean, well done, Ur’Gak. And…” She turns to the men, especially Goran, and adds, “And you, too, men. Especially Goran.” The unnamed men are obviously jealous.

Addressing Ur’Gak again as they ride side-by-side, the princess goes on, “I believe Glitch knows the truth behind this false queen. We will expose her for who she truly is.” Looking back way too smugly for a heroine in a male-dominated genre only fifteen minutes into a movie, she snarks, “Or not. Gisela was wise to back away. Without her monkey, her magic is no match for our might. The Queen Mother will be proud, and our Sisters will bear your children should this reward please you, Sir Thwack.”

Calling a breeder by his last name and with the sir part is a true sign of respect from an amazon royal, says a writer who didn’t know the archer’s last name would be a sound effect.

“Mmmmag-ic-’ly?”

Close-up of Hanna’s butt on the saddle! She yells with the crowd!

“YA-YA-YA-YA-YA-YA-YA-YA!”
Yelly Stunt: 2d6 + 2 + 1 ⇒ (2, 6) + 2 + 1 = 11
⭐️⭐️ +1 forward

Her horse rears! She somehow stands—one foot on the saddle, the other on the horse’s head! Glitch is in a similar pose with one foot on her shoulder and the other on her head!

Jump cut to Hanna now riding in slow motion, through fire, even though nothing was burning before.

She points her sword to the way her men should ride, even though it’s completely obvious they’re supposed to just follow her. (Though a plausible interpretation is that she’s pointing the sword to direct her men around the fire.)

There is a man towering over Hanna with his axe resting against the circlet on her head. The tall man drops to his knees, revealing a mashed unrecognizable mess where his head should be. (Also, his torso is disproportionately large due to the amount of fake body needed to make a 5’11” actor look like a headless seven-footer.) The man tips over and off-screen as both halves of Hanna’s circlet fall off-screen as well.

Her hair is suddenly a mess. There are minor scratches, one of which is not make-up. Brooke was playing with her cat, which inspired the make-up artist! Somehow, the scratches on her exposed skin are sexy, and one writer says it makes her look like less a jerk after the I-don’t-care-how-many line if she also takes some hits.

“They can hurt us. But we do not wince.”

Cut to two barbarians. The one with bandages covering a presumably missing eye is dressing another’s extremely bloody torso. The men nod as if the princess having three scratches is relatable.

“They can fight us. But we do not yield!”

She holds up her sword. Cut to a few men, but especially to Ur'Gak and Goran, camera focusing on the deadly bow and the bloodied flail with bits of brain and intestine on it.

The camera also shows the dead and dying. Some of the dead are Hanna’s men.

”They can take our lives. But they can never .. TAKE .. OUR MONKEEEEEEY!”

Killer Line: 2d6 ⇒ (5, 4) = 9
+1 to Camaraderie, but someone Hanna cares about is hurt.

As Hanna mounts, she replies to the monkey, “I did not say ‘umbrella,’ I said…”

She looks around and notices Goran.

“‘Stonefella.’ See? I summoned him with the chanting. And I don’t see any umbrellas ’round here, so…”

“Never!” Hanna says without having a good reason not to, other than that it would be a really short movie if she did. “No matter how many of my men you kill, we will NEVER give up the monkey! And don’t think your magic scares me! I got tricks of my own!”

Hanna the Barbarian unleashes her princess power: incoherently yelling!

“YAAAAAA—SPELLAH I-YELLAH COMPELLAH GISELA THE-HELLAH UMBRELLA!”

Sheer Terror: 2d6 + 2 ⇒ (4, 3) + 2 = 9
• choice: one person flees: Gisela
• 7-9: the noise alerts her dudes

Hanna isn’t magic, but her nonsensical shrieking is so incredibly annoying that the Dark Amazon Queen can’t get a word in, and she kinda needs to to cast a spell on the princess. So there’s no point in staying.

Her brutes on the other hand know exactly where their target is…!

Hanna climbs up the cliffside, giving the audience time to ponder whether her ass is in fact covered by a string. Her bottom cheeks have the exact same double-streak of warpaint as the cheeks on her face.

Jump cut to face. “Well done, glitch. The men can cross.”

The camera now shows a dozen men—many of whom are bare-chested but for a leather strap or two bearing oversized blades! Two men scream and fall from their horses, one with several arrows feathering his back, the other writhing as dark flames envelop his perfectly waxed pecs!

The amazon princess rolls her eyes. “Men.” But men are all she has to lead at the moment, so she calls out more encouragingly, “MEN! I am your princess! I will make you come!”

One-liner: 2d6 ⇒ (1, 6) = 7
• slow the action, not in a good way
• +1 camaraderie

The princess (or really, the actress) winces at the stupid line. She alters the expression to look stern and leaderly as the first of her men leads his horse to the toppled tree. His face hits a branch and he tumbles, breaking through two more branches before he plummets into the chasm.

“Duck the branches,” she orders the remaining men.

Close-up of Hanna’s pelvis bouncing on the saddle, clad only in a belt and a square dangling from it to cover exactly enough.

Pan-zoom back to display toned abs and defined thighs. Back even more to reveal fuzzy leg warmers and a fur bikini top. Arms bare but for amazonian bracers work the reins!

Wild hair flits from bare, bronze shoulder to anyway the wind blows. And finally we the face—streaks of woad on each cheek and equally blue lips! Mouth open for a yell!

”YAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!”

Especially yell while doing something…: 2d6 + 2 + 1 ⇒ (2, 6) + 2 + 1 = 11
⭐️ / +1 forward

Hanna’s horse leaps across a cliff! It is too great a distance for any horse to leap, so Hanna leaps off her horse!

Nelle seems to notice for the very first time in the movie that Lt. Silva is a woman.

She sits next to her, crosses her legs, and says to her, “I got a twenty-four pack of BFF Lites. Let’s drink each other under the table. And while we’re under the table… let’s drink each other, under the table.”

Killer One-Liner: 2d6 ⇒ (2, 3) = 5
• Lame, taking -1

The line is lame because a double entendre doesn’t work when you say it two and a half times.

But Brooke really was flustered by the other actress. She was stalling because in this scene they’re supposed to…

Love Scene: 2d6 + 1 - 1 ⇒ (6, 3) + 1 - 1 = 9
• Lt. Silva’s head is clear for days, or at least the remainder of this film.

…well… fly The Hectariat off of Phobos before more deadly shit hits the fan. There’s really no time for the kind of love scene that would have been decades ahead of its time in the action movie world.

So the two ladies sit side by side, popping open BFF Lites, and there are hair flips and other flirtatious gestures to show that these two are more than… well… two ladies noticing each other for the first time. Eventually Nelle gives Lt. Silva a shy peck on the cheek.

Lt. Silva seems very focused on the task at hand as Nelle leans on her and the camera cuts away from them to focus on the bros.

Nelle looks around for a quick escape route—

Assess + free hold: 2d6 - 1 ⇒ (1, 2) - 1 = 2
How do I GTFO?

Nelle assess the area and finds the best way out.

By yelling and crashing through walls!

Stunt: 2d6 + 3 ⇒ (2, 6) + 3 = 11
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
“YAAAAAAARRRRRRR……!!!”

Nelle unladylikily shrieks and does a thing usually reserved for a guy, but the actress won a bet with the set designer that Johnny was too big to fit through the breakaway parts of the wall, and too muscular to notice himself really destroying the set pieces.

So the yarr-and-wall-break scene goes to her. It’s clumsy and silly looking and loud. So it somehow works.

She calls to Lt. Silva, “Yo!”

Nelle Yelpir gets an idea from the heavy metal soundtrack—she draws from her tool belt AN ELECTRIC AXE!

“Let’s rooooooock!!” she yells with such enthusiasm, she’d probably be eternally remembered for coining the line. Alas, she was misheard at a movies-and-pancakes diner in Québec where diners (or fast-breakers) watch a movie while eating a lumberjack style breakfast. The line was misheard as LE SIROP!!, which is French for THE SYRUP!!

But ROCK she did! And the LET part is letting the captain take on the boss, and the apostrophe-S-for-US part is about teamwork. A lot to unpack in the phrase ‘let’s rock.’ Philosophers may have debated this in a certain Québecian diner. But they were all speaking French, so who the f*!+ knows?

Anyway…

Nelle hacks and slashes and electric-slides like a girl gone wild! Pods snap, crackle and pop like bubble wrap, except the bubbles are big as men and explode like men!

Violence: 2d6 + 2 ⇒ (4, 5) + 2 = 11
• Inflict terrible harm (+1 harm)
• You make a mess (-messy)
• You hit a whole bunch of people (-area)
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Nelle says, “The only thing I’ll surrender are YOUR MINIONS’ HEADS!”

She takes out a disc-saw yo-yo, which is the stupidest idea for a tool ever in the history of movies that take place beyond the Stone Age, when tools might have been perceived as stupid to ignoramuses.

But it’s a great thing to yank off of a tool-belt for the purpose of maiming and decapitation!

Violence, Forward: 2d6 + 2 + 1 ⇒ (4, 3) + 2 + 1 = 10
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
• hit a bunch of people
• terrible harm
• messy

Nelle is covered in fake green blood and also real guacamole from the taco she dropped on her lap during lunch break! She laughs manically as her stunt double tries not to hit herself with the rubber blade. Jump cuts depict rubber masks and sleeves and pant legs from rubber suits being tossed about along with gallons of green liquid!

“General Patton was right! I too love to see the arms and legs fly! Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, what’s this? And eyeball?” She plucks an eyeball that landed in her hair, and ad-libs, “Here’s looking at you, kid!” She then yo-yo-saws a very tall alien in half! (Tall so audiences understand she did not just kill a kid.)

Stunt, Yelling, +1 Forward: 2d6 + 2 + 1 + 1 ⇒ (1, 2) + 2 + 1 + 1 = 7
• lose something: welding kit

Nelle leaps straight up and crashes through the ceiling! She’s in the ventilation duct because for some reason really gross aliens that inhale CO2 and have survived on an airless moon with no oxygen-breathers still have a ventilation duct.

But as she leaps inside, there is a scratch on Nelle’s welding gun.

“A SCRATCH!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!”

Nelle’s yells echo throughout the ceiling, including over the aliens’ heads, and in the aliens’ kitchen, the master bedroom, and all three bathrooms: the men’s room, the ladies’ room, and the aliens’ room!

Nelle tosses her scratched welding deep into the vent!

BOoOoOoOM!!!

There is a huge explosion. Billowing orange hell snakes multidirectionally about the vent like a biker gang of light cycles. (The pyrotechnician LOVED Tron, and always thought the red team should have had Firecycles. This was his chance to prove they would have been awesomer. Just a little. He did love Tron, after all.) The explosion only moves away from Nelle—

—and over the aliens’ heads! Fire bursts through the ceiling! Not just in here, but in the kitchen—completely ruining dinner!! And the master bedroom—who can sleep in such a mess?? And two out of three bathrooms are out of order, so if our heroes have to go, they need to use the aliens’ room, which has stalls but no urinals!!

The explosion doesn’t kill any aliens because that would actually have killed the actors. But it looked awesome, and now the audience knows Nelle won’t weld any more weapons so that guy in the test audience will finally stop asking why she doesn’t make a laser bazooka.