Our story begins in the most unlikely of places: a goblin village in the Brinestump Marsh.
You be goblins of tribe Licktoad, neighbors of the man-town of Sandpoint. Not so long ago another tribe tried to destroy the town, but they did not bring enough fire to do the job, and died.
Life is good for the Licktoad tribe. Lots to eat, travelers to terrorize, and fun things to do. But sometimes, bad things happen and yesterday the worst occurred!
One of your own was caught in the act of the most heinous, vile, despicable of all crimes: writing. Even worse, he was trying to write down the history of your tribe, stealing those words from the Licktoad's heads forever!
The criminal was quickly caught and punished. You tied him down, branded his face with random letters and symbols, then ran him out of town. For added measure, you burned down his hut and destroyed all his things. The vile Scribbleface is defeated!
But something good did come out of all this. While looting Scribbleface's hut, you came across two things: a map, and a box of the greatest thing of all. FIREWORKS! They came in very handy for burning down the hut.
Sadly, this means most of the fireworks are gone now.
But not all is bad: Chief Gutwad has called for a feast to be held, to drive away all the bad luck Scribbleface brought on the Licktoad tribe. Even better, you have been invited to teh Chieftain's hut! Why? Who knows, but it's very exciting.
*gasp* Maybe Chief Gutwad has a special secret mission for you! You should go and find out...
Big Bite is a big goblin! Contender for biggest in the village since he discovered the manthings boots could make you taller, He now stood nearly an inch taller than the former biggest goblin thanks to his big human boots he managed to aquire. His rivals where annoying though Curse those damn ugly stupid mudsuckers! He had managed to keep some of them from cutting of his ears despite several attempts, while his plans to try and bite off some of their feet had not been successful either. Intergoblin Drama and jockeying was common, The Scribbleface had been a fun distraction. He had begged to bite off his fingers so he could never scribble again but had been convinced by smarter magic flingers that scribbler fingers where poisonous and would make him get bloodshits. Still it was fun to beat him up. Burning down his hut was even more fun.
By the time Big Bite got to call to talk to the chief he had retired to his hut for a time, and was going though his regular routine of chewing on stones to sharpen his teeth when he heard from one if his lackeys that the chief was calling a bunch if the important goblins to his and that the rumor was it was some big secret mission. So Big Bite put on his boots and rushed over to the chief's hut.
Upon the greatest and mightiest steed, Boggob returns incredibly triumphant from his foraging at the bog where he gets his title. Longscales slithers along the marshy ground and hisses dangerously at any goblin that dares approach Boggob carelessly.
Boggob will be greatest goblin there is. Licktoad tribe stupid name. Bigsnake Tribe will be name once silly chieftain dies and everyone thinks Boggob should be chief. Boggob bring lots of food. Boggob strong and Longscales scary. Tribe will be strongest once Boggob in charge. Can Boggob be shaman and chief? Boggob need to see.
Boggob chucks bits of food at the goblins who come to greet him upon his return. The choicier bits are given to the goblins in his circle. Berries, spicy roots, and bits of torn chunks of fish. The greatest prize Boggob keeps for himself. A doe that had gotten lost before being pounced upon by Longscales and Boggob.
After being told of the meet, Boggob's eyes sharpen.
Chief does not call big meet often. This important. Boggob go and impress others.
Gobby is sharpening his sword.
He hears of the meeting from another goblin, so he decides to go and see what this is all about.
Milling about the burned remains of Scribbleface's old hut, trying to scavenge any fireworks not caught in the blaze. He grumbles at the other goblin that was sent to fetch him.
"Other goblin stupid, waste good boom powder, stuff hard to get." Whiz Bang thought
Whiz bang wasn't particularly big, and the little hair that he did have had just a few strands of gray hairs sprinkled throughout. He was a lucky goblin, for many reasons, mainly: He hadn't blown up. Whiz bang perpetually smelled of gunpowder and strong alcohol. His fingers were often black with soot, along with any part of him that he touched, often times looking like he was wearing war paint.
"Cheif want more boom? or potion? bleh it no matter, Whiz Bang wont find much more boom powder here."
Whiz Bang stands and makes his way to the Chieftains hut.
You all arrive at the Chief's moot house, and wait for a few moments before the CHief's advisor Slorb calls you.
"Come stand before His Mighty Girthiness, Chief Rendwattle Gutwad!" the nasally, high pitched voice rings out.
Once inside the Chief, from atop his imposing 6 foot tall Teeter Chair, gestures for you to sit at his feet. A great honor!
Then, to your shock and horror, he opens his mouth and begins to speak. Everyone knows the great Chief's mighty voice is enough to slay a goblin who hears it. Only Slorb is powerful enough to withstand his mere whispers, and pass on the words to the tribe.
"You all be heroes, yes. Mighty gobs. Best of Licktoad tribe. Save for me. And maybe Slorb."
You flinch, believing for a moment your time has come...but you live!
It takes a moment for his words to sink in, but before any of you can react the Chief continues.
He grunts in approval, looking down on you.
"Yes. You do not flee my mighty voice. Is proof of your power. Wise Chief Gutwad knows this. And soon, rest of Licktoad tribe will cheer your names. Boggob. Whiz Bang. Big Bite. Gobby. You are chosen for important mission."
He takes a moment to nod in goblin-y, sage-y mystique, then continues.
"Scribble face had many fun things. Fireworks good. But short lived. More fun is map. We look at map. It say there are more fireworks...and where! We only need go get them."
"You will retrieve fireworks, and bring them back to village. Mighty Licktoad tribe be even mightier!"
"But tomorrow. Tonight you gobs of honor. Go to feast. Eat well. Show prowess. Drink fill. And in the morning, set forth on your journey!"
"Let none stand between you and fireworks. Meet men, kill them. Meet dogs, kill them harder. Meet horses, kill them dead too."
He pauses for a moment.
"...If meet Lotslegs Eat Goblins Many, maybe run away fast. But run in direction of fireworks! If bring back fireworks, you be heroes. Deserve my favors. Money. She-goblins. Fire. All will be yours."
"If fail...don't come back or we feed you to Squealy Nord. Understand?"
Boggob slowly nods his assent as he sits within Longscales' coils.
Chief's voice didn't kill Boggob...Boggob really is strong.
"Scribble Face do not-goblin things...but fireworks good. We get fireworks, tribe become strongest. We see map now or tomorrow?" Boggob strokes Longscales' flank and hisses soothingly at her.
Eyes up the other goblins, sizing them up. He recognizes all three and is happy to see none of them are anyone he hates, Whiz Bang is cool and makes things go boom. He didn't know much about Gobby which was good he guessed, Bobgob kind of scared him, he could use magicks and had a big too smart snake but he did sometimes give food to Big Bite and his lackeys plus he was smart. All people who could do magicy things where smart as far as Big Bite was concerned.
When the Chief speaks he clutched his ears to try and protect himself, but was too slow...
"What.. Can hear chief and not die ear bleed death!?"
Big Bite was happy to accept that his greatness protected him. In fact he seemed very happy about this fact! He's gonna brag so much about this at the feast.
"Yes big chief boss, We bring back fireworks! Make Licktoads the strongest!"
The Chieftain grunts and gestures at Slorb, who brings the map to Boggob.
"Take. No lose. No burn. No let other gobs take and get dirty hands over it. Now go. Have fun."
As you leave, you notice other goblins are already hard at work setting up the feast. It takes all afternoon, but a huge bonfire is set up in the middle of the village, and many tasty foods are brought out.
Snails, fish, and snakes all cooked in the goblin way festoon the tables quite nicely, if messily, and a barrel of fermented apples is wheeled out for all to enjoy; many goblins are bobbing for apples, to great success (and drunkenness).
[spoiler=If you eat an apple or go bobbing for one]Gimme a Fort save (DC 8) or be drunk.[/ooc]
Whiz Bang makes his way over to a slightly over cooked fish. liking when the outer layer is a bit crispy. Thinking about the fireworks and scheming how to make a new kind of bomb. After failing to come up with new ideas he blames it on not having dizzy water, and trys his hand at bobbing for an apple
Runs out of the Chief's hut clompin and stompin in mud with his boots
"Haha see now! Even Chief knows Big Bite is strong! See who says no? If you do Big Bite kick you in the balls stinky liars who question chief get it!"
Big Bite is over the moon with his perceived importance, He makes sure to rub it in the faces of every goblin he considers a rival, Gluttonously grabs as much food as he can stomach, fisting it into his mouth to swollow whole, stealing an entire charred snake at one point to slurp it down like a noodle. And showing off to his goblin buddies and some fine lady goblins how he can dislocate his jaw and slurp up apples from the barrel three at a time.
Gobby-kun walks around and gets some of the apples.
Boggob snorts in derison at the goblins bobbing for apples like fools...though seeing the other champions do so convinces him to do so himself.
Gobby-kun is feeling delightfully buzzed after consuming a few of the tasty, tasty apples.
Some of the other goblins glare at Big Bite as his head metaphorically swells even larger than a normal goblin head.
"Oh yeah? You big? You tough? You think you biggest bestest eater in Licktoad tribe? Prove it." one goblin pipes up. The rest of the crowd "oooooooohs" at this challenge.
He wanders off for a moment, and comes back with a big basket.
"Dare you!" he screams, pulling off the lid of the basket, revealing a mass of wriggling, squirming black bull slugs. "Eat all! One minute! Who in?"
Puffs out his chest, Who dares!?
"You bet Bit Bite knows how to eat right! Give me those black squirmies! This is gonna be easy!"
Big Bite knows little about poison or slugs, But he's eaten lots of things that have made him sick before, and he reckons if it don't kill him it makes him stronger. He gags at the first taste of slug but steels himself and begins to stuff them into his mouth one a after the other in careless reckless abandon, more focused on getting as many down his gullet as quickly as posible.
Big Bite stuffs the gross slimy slugs down his mouth one at a time, they are so gross and bitter and he can feel his guts churning, the snake and the slugs are not getting along, he's also certain some of the slugs are still alive as he swollows them whole. Finally he gasps and fists the last slug down his throat. Putting both hands in the air like a champion winning the belt.
"Haha! Slugs tasty!"
He declared boldly despite the clear discomfort he was feeling.
The Chieftain looks on approvingly from high atop his teeter chair, dragged out into the village square for the festivities.
He gestures to Slorb, who brings a crude, rusty blade to Big Bite.
"For great eating skill, Chieftain bestow on you Gorge of Gluttons, weapon from his personal armory! It kills horses very good!"
On presenting it, Slorb leans in very close and whispers in Big Bite's ear.
"Chieftain says if you don't bring weapon back he use your heads for kickball game."
Holds up the sword.
"Good sword, Will use to kill many horses!"
Big Bite then wanders off to the bushes to puke up all the slugs.
As Big Bite wanders off to puke in the bushes, the other goblins huddle together for a moment, then break.
"Time for game!" one says, then picks up some mud and hits Gobby in the back of the head.
"You it! Hide or get clubbed!" they screech excitedly.
Then they begin to count.
"1!"
"2!"
"3!"
One of the other goblins chimes in helpfully.
"3!"
The confusion spreads.
"5?"
"No, 4!"
A few goblins gang up and club the one that spoke out of turn unconscious.
Meanwhile...
"Dogslicer...but also horse killer...best-strongest weapon?" Boggob glances at his Horsechopper and stares with a bit of confusion and awe at Big Bite being presented the Gorge of Gluttons.
Boggob tears a chunk of the now roasted doe free and continues to parcel out the meat since it's a feast. He tries to follow Gobby with his vision but gives up when the goblin disappears without a trace.
Gobby finds the bestest hiding spot nobody would ever look: under the dinner table.
The other goblins wander off into the woods, and after about 10 minutes they come back bored.
"Give up. No club Gobby." they say, dejected. Spirits rise a bit as they take turns whacking the unconscious goblin from earlier, who just woke up, but it's just not the same.
Slorb comes back, and presents Gobby with a gift of his own!
"Hm. For ruining goblin fun, you earn Ring That lets You Climb Real Good, yes. Use well on your journey."
Wanders back in from the bushes, and is insantly dismayed at the sight. Staring at the twice clubbed Goblin in horror.
"Oh no! Missed Hide and Club!?"
He then runs over to the knocked out goblin and does a leaping Elbow drop, that was kinda fun but would of been funner if he was awake.
Gobby dons the ring on his middle finger and proudly shows it to every other goblin around.
Boggob rests back within Longscales' coils and decides to look at the map given to him because he's very important and smart. Longscales hisses dangerously at any goblin that dares approach Boggob's extremely humble and magnificent self.
A few goblins try to move close and poke Boggob, but are scared away by Longscales.
After a bit, they gather at a safe distance and begin taunting the studious goblin.
"Boggob boring, Boggob no fun, Boggob too scared for Squealy Nord run? Have big snake but small in pants, Boggob too wimpy for Squealy Nord dance?" they cry, then slap their ass cheeks at you and blow raspberries.
Boggob's face turns red with rage and Longscales, sensing her master's fury, bares her fangs menacingly as she prepares to savage the taunting goblins.
"No! You think Boggob small? Boggob no fun? Boggob clever. Afraid? Boggob has never. Too easy for Boggob to ride boar, silly, stupid goblins will hear Boggob's roar."
Boggob stalks over to the pen where Squealy Nord is kept and flicks a few berries from his pouch at the boar to placate it a bit before trying to hop aboard.
"Haha! Big Bite bet favorite chewing rock Squealy Nord win, strongest boar ever, Go Squealy go go go!"
The pig happily begins eating the berries Boggob tossed down...almost TOO happily, in fact. So vigorous are his munchings that Boggob is nearly thrown from his new mount, but his exemplary riding skills allow him to stay seated the full 18 seconds, and even longer!
Boggob is greeted by cheers as he exits the pig pen, and is presented with one of the pieces of contraband from Scribbleface's hut: a Dragon's Brew Gourd.
"Hmm, Boggob not just smart, he strong to be able to beat Squealy Nord... Come her Squealy have a pat, good boar."
Bit bite pat Squealy; who he considered to be a warrior like him, while he contemplated what having a scary magic goblin like Boggob on his team might mean.. He really hoped Boggob didn't try and turn him into a mouse for longscales to eat or somthing.. He should make friends with him just to be safe.
"Heeey Boggob, Good job on Squealy Nord, very good strong yes? You want some human beer water Big Bite has, good drink makes you dizzy but not poison"
Big Bites goto for buttering up other goblins was always to offer food or drinks first.
Seeing as he's the only one who has not yet completed a challenge, and has kept to himself for much of the festival, a swarm of goblin poke and prod Whiz Bang, while dragging out several rusty coils of barbed wire and arranging them in a pattern. Eventually, an obstacle course of sharp metal is formed.
"Last brave hero must face: The Rusty Earbiter!" Slorb proclaims, to goblin cheers.
"Pass through, don't lose ear, prove bravery and skill!" he yells, looking directly at Whiz Bang. Indeed, you can see three rotting goblin ears caught on coils in the wire; it's a serious threat.
Boggob exults in the cheering and rubs the valuable elixir gingerly. He carefully tucks away the gourd in his things as Longscales comes to greet. Boggob grins triumphantly and waves at the tribe with one hand whilst putting as much of his arm around Longscales with the other.
"Squealy Nord no match for Boggob!" Boggob accepts a cup of beer from Big Bite and pushes a chunk of sweet tender doe meat into Big Bite's hands in return.
"Eat! Eat! Clear stomach after slimy wrigglers."
Three successes are required to win; three failures means you lose. This means you get a max of 6 attempts.
Taken from his thoughts with a grumble he looks over the spikes for a moment and drops to the ground rolling around in the mud before traversing the spikes
Whiz Bang steps up to the plate...and immediately gets his clothes snagged on the barbed wire.
The gathered goblins snicker as he struggles to get free...but then quickly go silent as Whiz Bang otherwise flawlessly navigates the Rusty Earbiter, coming through without even a scratch!
"Whiz Bang best wiggler! Three cheers for Whiz Bang!" they call, and give him four.
Slorb presents him with the final prize of the night: The Chieftain's Personal Very Useful Robe That is Useful.
A holdover from his adventuring days, this robe is very comfy and embroidered with images of a ladder, a three-legged turtle, a bullhorn, and a horseshoe.
The party goes on into the night, with all the heroes having proved themselves brave and capable in the eyes of the goblins off the village.
Eventually, everyone passes out and falls asleep.
Finally, the morning arrives, and with it your destiny! The Chieftain calls you in for one last quick meeting. He talks to you to make sure you understand the mission.
"Very simple. Get fireworks. Bring back. Don't f++@ up. Take these." he says, gesturing. Slorb brings out the remainder of the fireworks for you to use in your journey: a pair of Desnan candles, along with four paper candles and a skyrocket.
And with that, you are booted off into the woods, to journey on!
Boggob nods at the final champion also succeeding in their great trial. He watches with envy as Whiz Bang is presented with The Chieftain's Personal Very Useful Robe That Is Useful. At some point during the night of revelry, he approaches Whiz Bang while cradling the Dragon's Brew Gourd in his hands.
"Whiz Bang is cleverest goblin in tribe...mayhaps you want Gourd? Boggob will trade for Robe? What you say?" Boggob waggles his eyebrows while proffering the Gourd and Longscales seems to wiggle alongside him.
"Hey hey quit shovin! I'm going"
Big bite huffs as he is rushed off, He still had some party left in him. He kicks a rock back at the little mob of goblins who rushed them along and gave them the bird.
"Can you belive Chief ending the party like that... Hey Boggob, what's a boat?"
Big Bite waves his horse chopper in the air as he marches along.
Boggob sits tall on Longscales' back. He gestures with his own horsechopper as he speaks. Longscales slithers along and Boggob rises and falls with each movement.
"Boat made of wood. Like rafts we use on swamp or bog, but for biggest water ocean or sea. Need big boat or giant wave eat goblins. Never see again. Raft on swamp keeps you from dying stupid death to leeches."
As Boggob and Big Bite chatter away, Boggob and Gobby feel a sudden chill. There's a rustling in the trees around them, and as they look around they notice the treetops are coated in a sticky white substance...
They have just enough time to process this before an eight-legged menace screeches in fury at them and drops down from the trees!
Boggob and Longscales (22)
Lotslegs (22)
Big Bite (20)
Whiz Bang (9?)
Gobby (6)
Lotslegs Eats Goblins Many are a blight to all goblinkind! They spit sticky webs to entrap innocent gobs, then inject them with poison and save them to eat later! Their favorite food is goblin babies...which is how goblins KNOW they're monsters; even goblins don't eat GOBLIN babies!
"Aieee! Lotslegs! Lotslegs! Stay close!" Boggob brandishes his horsechopper and readies himself for the many legged death! Longscales readies herself as well.
Whiz Bang begins to chuckle maniacally and slaps a bit of "sticky tree goop" and "boom powder" together like a snowball, with a quick spark of the ball he hurls it at the spider
"Lotslegs gonna have less legs after this one"
The spider finishes dropping down on top of Boggob, and is skewered by both his mighty horsechopper and Longscales' fangs!
Terrified by their martial prowess, it attempts to flee and is blown to pieces by Whiz Bang's bomb!
Blood, gore, and lots of legs fly everywhere, and a good time is had by all.
"lotslegs eat Big Bite! Big bite eat lotslegs! AAAAA!"
Big Bite gets ready to charge the spider and starts to run, just in time to get into the splash zone, splattered head to toe in spider goop before he could get a bite in.
He stands around and scrapes spider guts off his face, then turns back to the other goblins. One of the spiders legs in hand.
"Woah, did'ya see that! Kabloooey!"
He seems unbothered by being denied combat since big explodies where easily way more fun, picking at the spider meat inside the chiten of the leg and giving it a taste.
Longscales victoriously slurps one of the legs up. Boggob nods sagely at Whiz Bang.
"Lotslegs Eats Many Goblins now Nolegs Eats No Goblins not ever again."
The evil Lotslegs vanquished, you begin searching around its hidey holes.
It turns out it's gathered a lot of useful things from all the people it's eaten, and you find a number of useful things:
1 light crossbow (with 11 bolts)
4 potions (identified by Whiz Bang as 2 potions of Cure Moderate Wounds, a potion of Bull's Strength, and a potion of Bear's Endurance)
Six pieces of very strongly flavored licorice taffy (sure to settle even the most upset of stomachs!)
And least useful but still nice: 24 shiny gold pieces.
Gobby-kun eats a piece of tacky.
Boggob will quickly sort the loot out. He doesn't argue much over anything in particular if someone challenges him. He'll hold a grudge though.
"Grab things, we keep going!"
"Oooh, Strong Potion! Smart, Healy potion ehh, Ok that's good too."
Big Bite accepts the potion, quite fascinated by the strength potion in particular. He's gonna look for any excuse to chug this.
After a while more of walking, you come out of the marsh and see it; the boat!
It's huge, with two branchless trees sticking from the top for some reason. It has run ashore, and is at a slight angle, but looks in overall pretty good shape.
It may have been a very pretty boat at some point, but it is now overgrown with moss and fungus.
As you approach you begin hearing ominous sounds from within. A shiver runs down your spine as an ear-splittingly loud noise erupts from the depths of the vessel.
it screeches, a sound of unmatched terror and malice.
Not long after, in response, fainter but equally sinister sounds drift from even deeper within.
"Rrrrrrrrrrrr...UFF! UFF! AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! RUFFRUFF!"
This place is a bane of goblins, you can feel it in your bones...and your fears are confirmed as you look closer and see goblin skulls, horribly gnawed on, are woven into the strands of moss and vines adorning the exterior of the boat...