Covent's Critiques Season 9

[Covent]

For all of you RPG Superstars in the making here are some additional critiques.

I will try to work my way through the CMI thread, please be patient with me, and please do not post your items here.

First I have some Caveats.
A.) I am not a professional game designer.

B.) I do not claim to be “Correct” all of the views expressed here are opinion.

C.) I am going to be honest and give as much constructive criticism as I can.

D.) I have no personal feelings either for or against any item creator, so I am going to be critiquing solely on the item’s merits.

E.) I hope this helps others, as I know that those who have been kind enough to critique items are trying to help me.

Scoring System::

Each Item will be rated A+ through F in the following categories.

Voice: Writing style and clarity of expression, along with word craft.

Ingenuity: Freshness of idea and novelty of mechanics use.

Template: Ability to follow the given template, and Paizo item precedent.

[Covent]

Soulrazor:

Atavar wrote:

Soulrazor

Aura strong necromancy and conjuration; CL 18th
Slot none; Price 113,615 gp; Weight 4 lbs.
Description
This +1 keen impervious adamantine scimitar contains a black sapphire in its hilt with motes of swirling light. The first soulrazors were wielded by powerful killers who wanted a permanent way to slay their enemies while escaping that fate themselves.

When the wielder confirms a critical hit (15-20/x2) she may choose (three times per day) to force the target to make a DC 23 Will save or have his soul imprisoned within the sapphire. There is no limit to the number of souls it can imprison. Such souls cannot be returned from the dead until freed. Creatures immune to critical hits or lacking a soul are immune to this effect.

Destroying a soulrazor (hardness 24; 26 hp) immediately frees all of its imprisoned souls. Alternatively, the wielder can free a soul as a move action by speaking the soul's name. If the wielder has the ability to cast soul bind then she may cast it as she frees a soul and transfer that soul into another sapphire (no save).

Once per day the wielder may use the soulrazor on herself as a full round action. Doing so briefly obscures the wielder in a cloud of smoke. After the smoke clears others see what appears to be the wielder's corpse. In reality this corpse is a lifeless double of the wielder. This double disappears after one hour. The wielder is subject to a heal spell that heals 110 hp of damage and is temporarily trapped, along with her gear, inside the soulrazor. After one hour the wielder reappears at the soulrazor's current location.

Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, dimension door, fabricate, heal, keen edge, make whole, simulacrum, soul bind; Cost 56,807.5 gp

Critique:

The name of this item immediately tips me off that we are going to be dipping into the "Dark and Evil" end of the trope pool, which is not necessarily bad, but is a crowded and difficult workspace.

The first line is stilted and seems to say that the motes of light are contained in the hilt, while I believe you were trying to say that they are in the sapphire. This to me generates a muddy image.

The line stating who "originally" wielded the first of these feels confining and it is my opinion very hard to attach story rather than imagery to an item and have it well received, perhaps avoid this in the future.

Thrice per day trap the soul on a crit with a decent will save is very powerful, especially since it is triggered rather easily and does not have the expensive reagent cost of trap the soul or soul bind. Trap the soul is more of a fit for this item as it can target a non-dead creature.

The ability to transfer the soul is gravy and could easily lead to a place where players and or GM's are extremely frustrated.

The last power is for some reason at CL 11 instead of the swords CL 18 which I find unusual, as well as being an annoying effect for PC's or GM's to deal with as it could easily turn into a way to auto infiltrate a place or hide gear.

The powers of the item are also much more expensive than what you have priced it at. The price for this item should be more around 300,000 gp.

Lastly item cost and price if it contains a fraction of a gp is always shown as XXX gp and X sp.

So in short:

Voice: D

Ingenuity: D-

Template: B

I hope this helps.

[Soniafarland]

slope game is more than it appears. It's a platform for limitless exploration and personal growth. Staying calm and having correct responses is essential, as the speed increases every second and the terrain is continuously changing. Playing more makes you feel like you're making progress. Not only is it entertaining, but it also helps you hone your abilities.