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For all of you RPG Superstars in the making here are some additional critiques.
I will try to work my way through the CMI thread, please be patient with me, and please do not post your items here.
First I have some Caveats.
A.) I am not a professional game designer.
B.) I do not claim to be “Correct” all of the views expressed here are opinion.
C.) I am going to be honest and give as much constructive criticism as I can.
D.) I have no personal feelings either for or against any item creator, so I am going to be critiquing solely on the item’s merits.
E.) I hope this helps others, as I know that those who have been kind enough to critique items are trying to help me.
Each Item will be rated A+ through F in the following categories.
Voice: Writing style and clarity of expression, along with word craft.
Ingenuity: Freshness of idea and novelty of mechanics use.
Template: Ability to follow the given template, and Paizo item precedent.
Edit: As Petty Alchemy suggested.
Thanks, looking forward to this. You may want to bold the last line and put it at the top of the post, since it's an important instruction.
I just started the process too, and oh my gods -- so many items! But it's fairly fun. Good luck, I'll be curious to compare your letter grades to my critiques.
Windpath Razor
Aura faint evocation; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 20,315 gp; Weight 4 lbs.
Description
The blade of this +1 scimitar resonates a soft hum in the breeze. Three times per day as a free action while unsheathing the weapon, the wielder may unleash a sudden torrent of howling wind in a 30 foot line that bull rushes the first creature hit. This does not provoke an attack of opportunity.Shimmering air continues to briskly flow within this 30 foot line for 1 round. Allies that perform the charge, move, run, or withdraw actions through at least two squares of this wind trail begin hovering 1 foot above the ground and ignore difficult terrain for the remainder of the movement. These allies must land on a solid surface at the end of their turn.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, air step or gust of wind, bladed dash; Cost 10,315 gp
The first sentence is dissonant to me, perhaps rather than "resonates a soft hum in the breeze" use "resonates with a soft breeze-like hum" or "resonates with a soft hum in the breeze". This contrasts sharply with the excellent imagery in the rest of the item, truly well done there.
I love the second power, but the bullrush honestly feels only so-so, I feel like you buried the lead.
The sentence stating the allies must land on a solid surface could be completely cut in my opinion, your power defines that.
I would recommend choosing a spell rather than using an "or" in the requirements.
Small formatting nitpick, if I am seeing this right you italicized the commas in your requirements section, which should not be so.
You got the cost/price for the weapon component correct which quite a few did not so kudos.
However, for its cost I cannot see anyone buying this +1 scimitar when they could have a +3 or a +2 keen, so it gets knocked down a peg that way for me.
Overall this item feels like it has been through a few to many editing passes to me and has been homogenized.
You had plenty of word count left to expand with, so next year perhaps try something that pushes limits. You obviously have the writing skills to do so.
In short this feels like a CRB item to me and while generally tight and well written just does not have that spark of ingenuity.
Good Luck.
Voice: C+
Ingenuity: C
Template: B
ROD OF VERSATILE CHANNELING
Aura strong necromancy; CL 17th
Slot none; Price 11,000 gp; Weight 5 lbs.Description
This rod appears to be made of a single, thin piece of intricately carved, black and white marble. A wielder who normally channels positive energy may instead use the rod to channel negative energy. Alternatively, a wielder who normally channels negative energy may instead use the rod to channel positive energy. In either case, the wielder uses the rod instead of her holy or unholy symbol when channeling energy in this manner. The rod may be used up to three times per day.
If the wielder is a necromancer, a neutral cleric who worships a neutral deity, or a neutral cleric who does not worship a deity, then the rod works as described. For all other wielders, using the rod is more difficult, and it becomes less effective or even somewhat harmful to the wielder. If such a wielder uses the rod to channel energy that would heal her of damage then she is only healed half of the usual number of hit points (minimum 1). If such a wielder uses the rod to channel energy that would harm her targets then she takes half of that damage herself, although she can still make a Will save to take only one quarter damage (minimum 1).Construction
Requirements Craft Rod, Versatile Channeler; Cost 5,500 gp
This rod just failed to grab me. It starts very mechanically with the descriptive sentence almost seeming to be an afterthought.
I can see that you were attempting to make a Meta-Channeling rod, and that idea while certainly playable, does not seem particularly inventive to me. It seems derivative of meta-magic rods.
This rod also seems to me to be of very little practical use, and I cannot see any PC or smartly designed NPC buying this item or crafting it.
Also Caster level 17th, youch! That seems a bit high for an 11,000 gp item and serves no practical purpose as far as I can tell except making this item harder to dispel.
In short this is basically a feat in a can and the writing while fine is quite basic and mostly seems to be cribbed from the Veratile Channeler feat.
Your template use seems good.
Perhaps next year try for something exotic and think "What character would buy this rather than a +X weapon/Armor/Item?"
Good luck.
Voice: D
Ingenuity: F
Template: A
Alchemist's Retort
Aura faint transmutation; CL 5th
Slot shield; Price 7,000 gp; Weight 6lbs.
Description
This +1 light steel shield is covered in alchemical symbols mostly obscured by a patchwork of scorch marks and corrosion, but is no less effective in combat.The shield's hollow back can be loaded with alchemical splash weapons. Once per round–when the wielder of a loaded shield is hit in melee combat–the front of the shield bursts violently outward, and a single use of a stored splash weapon is spewed on the attacker. The enemy takes a direct hit, and any splash effects are dealt in a 15-foot cone of the wielder’s choice that emanates from the shield’s space and contains the attacker. The wielder may also choose to activate the shield after a successful shield bash or shield throw once per round. After the explosion the shield re-forms instantly with one more scar on the front.
Loading a splash weapon into the shield is a standard action that provokes attacks of opportunity. The alchemist’s retort can hold up to three uses of one conventional splash weapon, or a single alchemist’s bomb. Any weapons stored in the shield last until used, but a bomb stored in the shield counts against the alchemist’s total bombs every day. A loaded shield always has a minor cosmetic change related to the weapon stored within it, such as smoking lightly, stinking of sulfur or making bubbling noises.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, make whole, touch injection, creator must have 5 ranks in Craft (alchemy); Cost 3,500 gp
I have been reading and re-reading this item for the last hour. The more attention I pay to it the more I like it. I apparently was unlucky enough to not run across this in my voting process.
In toto I find this item very satisfactory and honestly can see it being very publishable and usable.
The imagery is solid and evocative.
I have a few small nitpicks, but besides these I say this item is part of the cream of the crop.
*Space needed between 6 and lbs.
*Is the shield a +1 weapon as well as a +1 shield? I would recommend such but that is just a preference issue for me.
*Commas in Requirements are italicized.
*Price should perhaps be 10,000? Seems slightly low to me but not grossly so.
*Cost for the item if the Price is 7,000 should be 3420 gp 5 sp, as the cost of the shield and the masterwork component is not halved.
While all of this is good, and I do very much enjoy this item, I feel I should admit that I am not "Wow'ed" by it but do enjoy it.
It is in a good design space and is unique, but is like a perfectly laid fire that is not yet lit, just a small spark missing.
Good luck.
Voice: B
Ingenuity: B
Template: B
Enlightened Jian
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 29,335 gp; Weight 2 lbs.Description
Swirling, cloudlike engravings run the length of this slender, almost weightless +2 mithral longsword. A monk who attacks with this elegant blade may use his Wisdom modifier instead of his Strength modifier on attack and weapon damage rolls. A monk also treats the blade as a monk weapon for use in his flurry of blows.As part of a regular move action, the wielder can spend 1 ki point to gain the benefits of air walk (as the spell) until the start of his next turn. He may spend 1 additional ki point at the start of each turn as a free action to maintain the effect, up to a maximum number of consecutive rounds equal to his Wisdom modifier (minimum 1).
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, air walk, spiritual weapon, creator must be a monk; Cost 15,675 gp
I love both the name and the opening description. Your insertion of words like elegant continues and make the mechanics seem to flow into the description, very well done there.
The first power is simply a weaker recreation of the "Guided" enchant, which Paizo has chosen deliberately not to reprint. Your second power could simply have been cut by making this a temple sword, which brings us to the first major flaw of this item. Which of course is that monks are not proficient in longsword and thus may not use this weapon without the non-proficiency penalty or a feat tax.
The activation of the air walk should perhaps have been stated as "as part of a move action used to move", due to the fact that with the current phrasing I could retrieve a stored item from a haversack or any other action that consumed my move and still activate the airwalk.
I like the limitation of Wis Mod in rounds for the airwalk.
The price should perhaps be a little higher perhaps around 32,000 gp? This is basically a +2 Guided Mithral Temple Sword, with a use-activated airwalk. Guidelines say about 75,015 gp, but since it consumes a limited resource, ki, I feel the price would be better lower. I suggest 32,000 gp due to that being a +4 equivalent. Cost would then be 16,507 gp 5 sp.
The overall creativity is still a little weak, as this seems more of a weapon that a PC monk would want mechanically, rather than a coherent whole.
I hope this helps.
Good Luck.
Voice: B
Ingenuity: D+
Template: A