Here's my version of How Golarion Was Almost Undone:
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Azathoth, The Mindless Churning Chaos, awakened, streched its bubbling appendages and yawned:
BY THE BLOODY BONES OF SAINT GILMORG, NOW THAT WAS A BORING OPERA! ONLY WHINING FLUTES AND OCCASIONAL DRUMS! IF I WASN'T THE STAGEHAND RESPONSIBLE TO DRAW THIS DARK TAPESTRY BETWEEN THE CROWD AND THE STAGE - AND THEY WOULDN'T PAY ME SO WELL - I WOULD BE OUT OF HERE IN AN INSTANT! I HAVE TO GET ME A MORE UNCOMFORTABLE CHAIR SO THAT I DON’T FALL ASLEEP SO EASILY… FEELS LIKE I'VE SLEPT FROM THE BEGINNING OF TIME… GLAD IT'S OVER AND BOY, AM I HUNGRY NOW! TIME FOR SOME SNACK...
The Mighty Demon Sultan then slipped under The Dark Tapestry, put in place Before Time to protect humanity from his unending hunger. He rolled over to The Sane Universe (or, as The Wise call it, the opera seating), and in his lust for sustenance, saw something quite new to his senses…
WHAT'S THIS? WHAT'S THIS SITTING IN THIS SEAT RIGHT HERE? GOLARION? MUST BE SOME NEW KIND OF CHEETOS. WELL, IT'S LEFT OVER HERE ALL ALONE, MIGHT AS WELL EAT IT...
What transpired next is an issue of much debate. Surely only The Accursed Elves of The Mordant Spire and The Mad Monks of Mivon know for sure, but it was this conversation, initiated by a stranger that made it possible for all of life to thrive in the face of Golarion…
Stranger in The Dark: Wait!
Azathoth: AND WHO ARE YOU TO DISTURB MY SLUMBER! …I MEAN, SNACKTIME! MORE IMPORTANTLY, YOU CAN'T BE HERE, WE'RE CLOSING...
Stranger in The Dark: I'm sorry, but I lost this spherical thing of mine, have you seen it?
Azathoth: NO...
Stranger in The Dark: Then what's that behind your back?
Azathoth: NOTHING…
Stranger in The Dark: Come on! I can clearly see you're hiding something!
Azathoth: ALRIGHT, I AM! BUT WHY WOULD I TELL ANYTHING TO A TOTAL STRANGER? I'M AFRAID OF STRANGERS...
Stranger in The Dark: Okay. I'm sorry. My name's Erik.
Azathoth: ZANN? ERICHH ZANN? THE VIOLINIST WHO PLAYS IN OUR ORCHESTRA? MAN, I LOVE YOUR WORK!
Erik: No, sorry. Wrong Erik. And you are…?
Azathoth: AZATHOTH, PRIMAL HORROR AT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE, MAD GOD AT THE END OF EVERYTHING AND ALSO A STAGEHAND AT THIS LOVELY OPERAHOUSE OF HELSINKI, AT YOUR SERVICE!
Erik: Nice to meet you. Can I have my… thing now?
Azathoth: SORRY. HAVEN'T SEEN NO THINGS. JUST THIS CHEESY BALL HERE...
Erik: That's it! That's my wife’s handbag!
Azathoth: HANDBAG? NO, LOOKS LIKE CHEETOS TO ME. AND I'M HUNGRY...
Erik: No! Wait! Oh no, now you drooled all over it! Easy now... Now you did it! You dropped it! Do you realize how fragile it is?!?
Azathoth: I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! IT'S PERFECTLY FINE! LET ME LIFT IT UP... AND I DROOLED JUST ONE DROP! NO ONE WILL NOTICE!
Erik: Let me see that!
Azathoth: HEY!
Erik: Looks like it's still mint.. oh no! Azlant got pulverized!
Azathoth: AZLANT? IS THAT THE FLAVOR?
Erik: No, just one side of this containter... Aw, it's ruined!
Azathoth: IT IS?
Erik: Well totally! At least the Azlant side of it…
Azathoth: AW MAN, CHILLAX! IT WASN’T LIKE SOME STAR FELL ON IT, IT JUST FELL TO EARTH…
Erik: That’s it!
Azathoth: WHAT IS?
Erik: Man that was a good line! Now I can explain back home what happened to this! Baby, a Starstone as beautiful as you fell onto your purse and caused an Earthfall, heh… Hey, give it back!
Azathoth: OH NO MISTER. YOU STILL OWE ME ONE.
Erik: Huh?
Azathoth: I FOUND IT. WHO KNOWS, YOU MAY JUST HAVE WALKED IN HERE, CLAIMING IT TO BE YOURS. I’M PRETTY SURE THERE ARE A LOT OF THESE GOLARION HANDBAGS AROUND, AND IF, JUST IF, SOMEONE, LIKE, OH I DON’T KNOW, LIKE THE REAL OWNER COMES AROUND TO ASK IF I’VE FOUND ONE…
Erik: Alright, alright, let’s make a deal. I give you some money for it…
Azathoth: BUT I’M HUNGRY! I WANT TO EAT NOW! NOWNOWNOW!
Erik: Sigh. Okay. I bring you food. You give it back. And I write you as a part of the story of Golarion…
Azathoth: YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE AN OPERA ABOUT ME?!?
Erik: Well.. Yea. Kinda.
Azathoth: THAT’S SUPER! I WANT THE LEAD ROLE!
Erik: Anything you desire. Now just keep it safe until I get back, okay?
Azathoth: YOU GOT IT BOSS!
Erik: Alright, let me get that food for you!
Azathoth: BE QUICK! ...STUPID ASS. LIKE THIS IS THE FIRST HANDBAG SOMEONE LEAVES BEHIND… LET’S SEE WHAT YOU HIDE… EWW! JUST SOME MOLDY UNDERDARK AND SOME TINY POCKET DIMENSIONS! DO NOT WANT! BUT YOU’RE STILL KIND OF CUTE… OKAY GOLARION. I COULD JUST STUFF YOU BACK IN MY DRAWER WITH THOSE OTHER STUPID HANDBAGS. CASTROVEL AND AKITON, STUPID PIRATED BRANDS, WHERE’S MY PRADA OR VUITTON?!? BUT, SINCE YOU’RE DENTED, AND I LIKE THINGS A BIT BROKEN, I’M GOING TO FIX YOU UP! THAT’S RIGHT, INTO THE DARK TAPESTRY YOU GO! OH, I GOT MY INSPIRATION RUNNING NOW…
And that is how Azathoth, The Seething Nuclear Chaos, went back behind The Dark Tapestry and put Golarion under his stagehand stool. And Erik, who came back with three different kind of Cheetos, found the gates of opera closed forevermore. And so, he had to eat all of them Cheetos himself (although some legends say that he smeared some of the Cheetos on the surface of Golarion as a revenge to Azathoth.. but how he got Golarion back from the slimy clutches of Azathoth is another story).
Back behind The Dark Tapestry, in his inspiration, Azathoth wrote a story of how Golarion The Handbag became whole again. He wrote, because he knew not how to sew – and the opera costumier had already left… How long he wrote, nobody knows. Papers full of written fiction fell from his tentacle thingies and touched the surface of Golarion, forever changing it. And as he wrote, he fell asleep. And now he slumbers again, and We Who Know The Truth have to suffer from his bad sense of fiction, forever finding our paths in this mess of a world called Golarion…
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Now that you’ve read my version of the near destruction of Golarion, let’s hear yours!
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Aroden: "Let me make sure I got this. The Unutterable Prophecy says that Golarion will be destroyed, and the only way to avoid this fate is to break the prophecy, by ending the Age of Prophecy, which requires me, the god of history and innovation who made the prophecy, to die by jumping into this giant sphere of annhilation you've planted at the bottom of the bay of Abendago?"
Pharasma: "Yup."
Aroden: "**** that. I'm outta here."
Iomedae: "We weren't looking for a volunteer." <Push>
Aroden: "Aiii...."
Sphere of Annhilation: "Burp."
Pharasma: "Well. That's done. Who's for lunch?"
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Princess Leia: No! Golarion is (nearly, from time to time, a) peaceful planet! We have no weapons, (save a few black powder vorpal staff of the magi) ...
Para Grand Moff Tarkin: You would prefer another target, a Grognard target? Then name the system! I grow tired of asking, so this will be the last time: *Where* is the 3.5 edition holdouts base?
Princess Leia: ... Aroden's hairline. They're on Aroden's hairline.
Para Grand Moff Tarkin: There. You see, Para Lord Vader, she can be reasonable. Continue with the operation; launch a squadron of The Four Horsemen, begin landing the Drow Stormtroopers in the Underdark, and have the Imperial Aboleth wake the Runelords and the Tarrasque. Oh, use the final issue of Dragon Magazine to line the bottom of the harpy cage.
Princess Leia: WHAT?
Para Grand Moff Tarkin: You're far too trusting. Aroden is too remote a deity to make an effective demonstration - but don't worry; we will deal with your 3.5 hold outs soon enough.
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Aboleth #1: Hey, look at that spaceship. I bet we could seriously mind-hump future generations if we like shoot it down and kill everybody on Azlant.
Aboleth #2: You know, its big enough to blow up the whole planet if we do that.
Aboleth #3: Na. They built Gug's prison well enough that it would never *completely* blow up.
Aboleth #1: That settles it. LAUNCH ALL ZIG!
*Boom* *Crash* *Explodiation* *Genocide* *1000 years of darkness*
Aboleths #1, 2 & 3: BRILLIANT!
Well played, Morris... well played.
Mr. Bean was summoned to Golarion.
So one time, there was this guy, right? And he went up to James Jacobs, and he said, "Duuuuuuuuuuuuude! Listen to this! There's this 4-E-thing goin' on, and we gotta all-like, update the world, and all, you know? I got this great idea! What if Nethys died at, like, Norgberger's hand with Zon-Kuthon's aid! Then we could explain the differences in the world from how it was before!"
James then hauled back and punched him, but sadly he was too late, and Aroden died instead.