"I have found in my travels that most beings are much less intimidating once they have been set on fire."
- Hakim Al-Aziz, fire genasi sorcerer
"Trap the second door? Who'd do that? No one ever traps the second door." - Grum, soon to be scorched 1/2 orc fighter.
Reggie
"Hold still, I think my axe is stuck in your breastplate. Oh, stop whining, you big girl." - Dorin, Dwarf fighter, to a party member after a fumble.
"Go to the cemetary now? What is the fun in going to a cemetary in the middle of the day?" -NPC in the Dead Lizard Bar
"Pardon me, but you have a jongleur on your back." -A paladin whose name has been lost to antiquity, to Lord Soth, concerning a fellow party member flash-frozen to the death knight after attempting to grapple him. From a Ravenloft game gone horribly, horribly wrong...
"Come on, we can take 'em!" ~ Darakath Hal'real, Tiefling Blackguard, regarding engaging a green dragon in its home forest.
To clarify, no, no we could not take 'em.
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“No! Don’t kill the women and children. Gather them together, set them on fire and make them run down the tunnel ahead of us – it’ll save on torches.”
– Slippery Sam, halfling thief, discussing how to deal with the survivors of an underground duergar settlement the group had attacked and defeated (the player was aged 7 at the time).
"Aaaaaare yoooooooou aaaaaaaa druuuuuuiiiiiiiid?" ~ Lucas Penrith, Hyper-Paranoid Human Binder, to a donkey in a cave.
"Surrender, or face the just actions of your rewards!" ~ Helena D'Li, Half-Elf Knight portrayed by a verbally dyslexic player. Spoken to a group of halfling thieves.
"HOME!! Damn it all to HOME!!" ~ Feldon Zenull, Tiefling Hellfire Warlock.
"See this club? When I hold up this club up and it matches the dent in your head, we know that's what hit you." - Slate McGillis, Human Rogue pistol-slinging pirate, after a battle with ogres.
"While I have no problem with heedless killing, we do not slit the throat of the people paying us until AFTER they pay us." - Isaac d'ar Obscuras, Human Sorcerer.
"He's like a little terrorist!" - Aszimar Frypan, Human Totemist, describing the party's Gnome Warmage.
"If I find out that you have damaged anything of mine, something of mine is missing or tampered with...."
"You're gonna do what, stick out your tongue and make me feel all neener-neener-woozy-scared inside?"
[Moments later...]
"Can't sleep, the doctor will get me...."
~ Interchange between Dr. Viktor Faust, Human Dread Necromancer, and Xavier, Gnome Warmage.
"I have plan for when we reach village. What we need to do is combine our skills. I am good at killing people. You are good at making jerky." ~ Malak, Human Soulknife
"Bring me the meat, I don't care where it comes from." ~ Raina Ridathli, Human Barbarian
"We'll make a killing! We'll sell the villagers back to the villagers!" ~ Malak
"Sadly, I have to say I like this plan." - Isaac
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"I have plan for when we reach village. What we need to do is combine our skills. I am good at killing people. You are good at making jerky." ~ Malak, Human Soulknife
"Bring me the meat, I don't care where it comes from." ~ Raina Ridathli, Human Barbarian
"We'll make a killing! We'll sell the villagers back to the villagers!" ~ Malak
"Sadly, I have to say I like this plan." - Isaac
This is a favorite! Love it!
"If you trust her to keep a promise like that, I have this castle in Greyhawk I'd like to sell you."
- Alein, paladin, regarding the wisdom in making a deal with an evil dragon
(And if you want to know more about that story, I posted it here.)
Also, when a half-orc barbarian PC wanted to pacify an evil wizard NPC, who was distracted facing an angry mob, the half-orc went up to the wizard to try to intimidate him. The player rolled well. I RPed this by slowly turning to the player, pretending I was the wizard who had been facing the mob and was now turning to the PC.
I said: "All right, buddy, you wanna get rou-...? I mean, how can I help you, sir?"
Tristen the Bard (in a singing voice while strumming his lute): "In the butt!”
This was, for the most part, said to finish other player’s sentences, for example:
“Let’s get them guys!”
“I’m hurt!”
“I need healing!”
“I got a critical!”
“I try to intimidate him.”
“Sneak attack!”
Sendo Kain: "Don't you know who the F*%$ I am? I am bad! I'm so bad sometimes I scare myself, sometimes I look in the mirror and I want to kiss my self I'm so pretty! Who am I?! I am an instigator, an agitator, a hate ad-vo-ca-tor! If the gods have made it then I shall hate it, Sendo motherf*%$ing Kain!"
"HOME!! Damn it all to HOME!!" ~ Feldon Zenull, Tiefling Hellfire Warlock.
Now I know what my Hellfire Warlock will say...
Thank you.
Tristen the Bard (in a singing voice while strumming his lute): "In the butt!”
This was, for the most part, said to finish other player’s sentences, for example:
“Let’s get them guys!”
“I’m hurt!”
“I need healing!”
“I got a critical!”
“I try to intimidate him.”
“Sneak attack!”
At which point, I (were I a player in that campaign) would bring up the fate of Sir Robin's minstrels.
Taunts:
I ucked your mother last night, but if it is any consolation, she was calling your name.
Lizardfolk druid to a boggard:
"I rue the day when my ancestor masturbated over frogs eggs and created your race."
Terribly outclassed low level character to a black dragon:
"Stay back! I have a potion of water breathing, and I'm not afraid to use it!"
Wizard: "Ug, you need to expand your vocabulary. Don't say Ug kill, Say I will attack you viciously with my shortsword"
Ug: "Ug attack viciously with shortsword!"
Wizard: "Close enough"
Every combat, regardless of foe and weapon, Ug the Int 4 first ed fighter would roar "Ug attack viciously with shortsword"
RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8
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"I will save the halflings <pause> again." Several characters in our RttToE game.
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*After Shadrach (LE Psychic Warrior) over the course of several weeks of real time, gets the adventuring band named the Company of the Silver Dragon, gets the rogue, the wizard, the silver wyrmling and himself light blue tabbards with a silver dragon on the front, (he respected the NG cleric's faith enough to understand she'd not cover her holy symbol) and Shad bought a silver cloak clasp that looked like a silver dragon with it's wings spread.*
Tamblin (wizard who's player also played the wyrmling) "Hey! You're trying to make Nimbus a target!"
"Why Tamblin? Would I ever do that?"
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"Here, take my pet rock, it will be able to tell us if you're in trouble." Shadrach again, this time while Qui-ti was going on a date with a known mob boss. Of course he hadn't spent the feat on a psicrystal yet...
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"I am not Joxer, Damnit!" Kind of in character when we were discussing how the party paralleled Xena Warrior Princess.
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"In the name of Loviatar, step back MF!" Our cleric's unique method of turning undead.
"In the name of Loviatar, step back MF!" Our cleric's unique method of turning undead.
I like that, I can imagine a cleric awkwardly saying, 'in the name of Saranrae, check yourself recently perished!'
So far, I think the funniest one in this thread is...
Terribly outclassed low level character to a black dragon:
"Stay back! I have a potion of water breathing, and I'm not afraid to use it!"
LG cleric of Saranrae (RP note hates dwarves) to a badly injuried dwarven party member, "Walk it off I'm busy"
Same cleric "HEAL BOMB"
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8
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"Lawful Evil means clarity of purpose" my Beloved Spouse (Kobold chorus: "We love you!") when speaking of Kae, her Dark Lantern character who just epitomized the Lawful Evil alignment.
*sniff* I miss that character.
Gods, that's Shadrach to a T.
"Evil? I'm just purpose driven."
"Here. This is a raisin. I know you don't eat, so we'll start small."
-Kieren, elven ranger/wizard/arcane archer, while camping, brandishing a raisin to Morag, the Gatherer of Souls, who the party knows has a ring of sustenance
"Heal? Harm? Who can tell the difference? Aren't you injured?"
-Morag's reply
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Gods, that's Shadrach to a T."Evil? I'm just purpose driven."
Kei was the perfect spy. Efficient, ruthless and completely devoid of morals. One time she got sent (cuz I'm a total b'ch of a GM) on a total flusher of a mission. Survived and then came back to chew out the head of the Lanterns. After she was done, and was told "What was done needed doing" they wiped her memory. And then assigned a 'Diplomatic' position in the capital of Breland. She's pretty sure they're going to ask her to off the King, and I'm going to keep her guessing.
So, Shadrach? Cool name by the way!
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"Here. This is a raisin. I know you don't eat, so we'll start small."
-Kieren, elven ranger/wizard/arcane archer, while camping, brandishing a raisin to Morag, the Gatherer of Souls, who the party knows has a ring of sustenance
"Heal? Harm? Who can tell the difference? Aren't you injured?"
-Morag's reply
Heh, awesome.
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"I tie myself to the dragon."
- Trapper Munroe, Shifter Ranger after being snatched from the deck of an airship by a large angry red dragon.
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*in her best cheerleader voice*
"PLUUUUUUUUUUSSSSS ONE! YEAAH!
PLUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSS ONE! YEAAAAAAH!"
- Xipi Tinytoes Gnome Bard's method of Inspiring Courage and reminding the players of their bonus to hit and damage. She has since graduated to singing PLUUUUUSS TWO!
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Raving Doomsayer: "The end is nigh and YOU! YOU ARE DOOMED, SOON TO BE A VICTIM OF THE WRITHING DEATH THAT AWAITS ALL WHO LIVE IN THIS TWICE DAMNED CITY!"
Grom the Shoanti Barbarian grabs the Doomsayer and headbutts him, breaking the Doomsayer's nose and continues walking, without breaking stride.
"Grom have no time for this. Grom is having bad day."
- Grom Shoanti Barbarian and character in Korvosa.
"One day I will have birdy pot pie." ~ Raina Ridathli, Human Barbarian, regarding the party sorcerer's owl familiar.
"I think I know him. I think I shot him in the arse."
"Was that intentional or did you miss?"
~ Interchange between Slate McGillis, pistol-slinging Human Rogue, and Maia, Aventi Druid, discussing Zachariah, Human Dragonfire Adept.
"Let a professional do this."
"I'm considering whether or not to use you as a battering ram."
~ Interchange between Mala Shrenan, Gnome Lurk, and Draco, Half-Orc Druid, on opening locked doors.
"Well, she's not dead. That I could fix." ~ Esther Ezra, Human Healer/Hierophant, regarding an unconscious party member.
LMFAO!!