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By Julie Ann Dawson
Using my amazing abilities to warp the time-space continuum (and proving
once again I have too much free time on my hands) I created an alternate
universe in which the current political campaign is just a D & D
campaign. How would our Barrack, Joe, John, and Sarah fair trying to
complete quests as a team? Would they be able to co-exist long enough to
defeat their adversary? America is the GM for what may be the most
important campaign since Ed Greenwood launched the Forgotten Realms (or
not...)
We take you now to the game table, where Barack, Joe, and our GM wait
for John to show up.
America: Hey, Joe, welcome to the campaign. I was a little worried when
Hillary left the group, but I'm glad Barack convinced you to join us.
Joe Biden: No problem. You know, John McCain and I have been playing
this games for a long time, since the old Red Box days, you know.
America: Oh, you played First Edition?
Joe Biden: Oh, no, I mean Vietnam. Fighting the communists and all.
America: Wait, you didn't actually fight in Vietnam.
Joe Biden: Well, no. I was never really into LARP. I prefer pen and
paper stuff.
Barack Obama: I would just like to say, America, that just because he
does not LARP, that does NOT make him any less committed to gaming. Joe
Biden is just as committed to this wonderful game of ours as any other
gamer, and I am proud to have him in this campaign. Furthermore...
America: OK, Barrack, we get it. You guys want some more chips?
John McCain: Hey guys! Guess what? I recruited a brand new gamer!
Barack Obama: Well, that is astounding, John. Congratulations. I know I
speak for America when I say it will be a pleasure to welcome a new
gamer to our wonderful and invigorating campaign. And also...
Joe Biden: I think what Barrack is trying to say is, "Cool, dude."
John McCain: Oh, oh, oh..and GUESS WHAT? IT'S A GIRL! I brought A GIRL
to the game to replace Hillary. Isn't that cool?
Joe Biden: Well, it's always nice to welcome new women to the game.
Sarah Palin: Howdy, y'all.
John McCain: She's a GIRL. Oooo, chips.
America: Well, Sarah, welcome. I don't believe we've met. Do you have
any gaming experience.
John McCain: She's got plenty of experience. Why, she plays Monopoly
with her five kids. If she can play Monopoly with five kids, she can
play D&D.
Barack Obama: Well, I hate to have to disagree with you, John, but I
fail to follow the logic of implying that a simple board game like
Monopoly, which is really nothing more than moving a little figure
around a small board, has any bearing on the multifaceted dynamic of
social interaction and planning found in a roleplaying game of the
complexity of D&D.
America:
Anyway, I'm not sure how much John told you. The basic premise is that
the party is trying to save the country from an evil overlord named
EXXONICUS MOBILI that has made everyone addicted to this strange black
fluid. The people just can't seem to live without this substance, and
the party is trying to get to the bottom of it. John has been playing a
Fighter. Did you make a character?
Sarah Palin: I sure did! I make a cleric. My domains are Protection and
War.
America: Nice choices, there. And believe me, with the beatings these
guys have taken over the course of the campaign, they really do need a
cleric with some healing spells.
Sarah Palin: Healing spells? Was I supposed to memorize healing spells?
America: Well, I know John told you were are running a good-aligned
campaign, so since your PC is good-aligned you can spontaneously cast
healing spells if you don't have them memorized. No big deal.
Sarah Palin: Good-aligned? Oh, yeah...well, OF COURSE I'm good aligned!
How can I not be good aligned? I'm just an innocent soccer mom with five
kids. Nope, no evil intentions here at all!
America: Well, anyway, Joe here rolled a rogue. And...
Sarah Palin: What, you mean he's a thief?
Joe Biden: No, I'm a rogue.
Sarah Palin: But is that allowed in this game?
Joe Biden: Yeah, actually, it's a pretty popular class for this
particular campaign setting.
Sarah Palin: Oh, what is the campaign setting?
America: Washington.
Sarah Palin: oh.
John McCain: See? She's a quick study. She'll fit right in! Oh, and
she's a GIRL!
America: Yeah, John, we noticed that. Anyway, Sarah, Barrack is playing
a bard.
Sarah Palin: A Bard? Oh, this is 3.5?
America: Yeah, why?
Sarah Palin: I heard they got rid of the bard in 4th edition because it
was USELESS.
Barack Obama: Now let me try to articulate the value a bard brings to a
campaign. As much as I respect Wizards of the Coast, and as much as
Wizards of the Coast has done to help build up this game that we all
love, I disagree with the assertion that the bard brings no inherent
value to a campaign. A bard is a versatile character. A bard can call
upon something greater than himself to inspire those around him to
achieve great things. A bard can use his own inner strength and
conviction to access a limited, but highly utilitarian collection of
arcane spells. A bard can even reach deep down into his soul and call
forth divine help, bringing healing to his allies. To say that the bard
is useless is to completely disregard everything the bard has to offer.
And I assure you...
Joe Biden: I always thought it was a good class. But a lot of people
that play the Washington campaign setting wanted to focus on combat.
America: *sigh* Anyway, at the end of the last session, Barrack had
convinced the 200,000 Garmen people in the city of Burlan to rally
behind the party to help fight the overlord.
John McCain: Yeah, well, he wouldn't have been able to do that without
his Heward's Teleprompter of Enhanced Eloquence. It grants him a +20 to
his performance checks.
Joe Biden: Does it matter? Isn't that the point of magical items? To
help succeed.
John McCain: I just don't think it's fair. My character was a POW for 5
years and I didn't get any epic magic items.
America: That's because you didn't actually defeat the enemy and loot
them, John. They just decided to let you go. You don't get XP or loot
for that. And besides, not long after than your character married
Princess Cindi of the Kingdom of Beere. It's not like you don't have
enough gold to buy your own items.
John McCain: Whatever. Is there more soda in the fridge?
America: Yeah, go ahead. Anyway, Sarah, so one of the Garmen people
alerted the party to the location of the overlord's hideout, and the
party is trying to infiltrate it now. So is everyone up to speed?
Sarah Palin: Yep!
Joe Biden: Yea.
John McCain: Yeah...oh, hey, you want me to bring this apple pie out for
everyone?
America: Sure, John. Barrack, you set?
Barack Obama: Well, I have to say that I am looking forward to
continuing this incredible journey that...
America: Yes or no, Barrack.
Barack Obama: Present.
To be continued....
Good stuff. Need more. :)
I'd like to see Palin say "Thanks, but no thanks" to a clearly blown saving throw, pretend that she made the roll, and continue merrily playing the next encounter.
That was a good laugh... Thanks Erik. And thanks Heathy, when's the next dose of that good campaign medicine?
/d
Jesus, Heath. I always liked you, man, but... woah. That took the cake. Great find indeed.
Heathy! That was a snag! This is soo fuunny!
I wish...