Not to be too self indulgent, but I thought I would let everyone know what has been going on and see what advice is to be had. You all have always been really helpful and caring.
Things aren't the greatest I suppose, but don't really care.
My Job
My job informed me that my behavior and lack of caring needs to be rectified. This is apparently the way for 2 of my bosses to say, "ok get over what you've been through and get back to working sixty hours a week and carrying our asses because we are getting chewed out by the higher ups and having to stay passed 3 o'clock"...I told them to fire me if they had a problem...They refused to do that...I informed them that if they didn't get off my back I would let their bosses and the government know of their drinking at work, their affair in the office, them illegally modifying my pay, and them not paying me over time...They have stopped b%+!+ing, but I'm on the s@%! list to say the least, and people are avoiding me like the plague which isn't a bad thing.
Friends
My friends are about 50/50 some are very sympathetic still and others have told me to stop moping, move on, take a vacation, look to the Lord, get meds, and other irritating advice.
Uncaring/Frustrated Friends: I thorn into several friends and gave them extremely malicious rants about what they could do with themselves and how they are failures as human beings. These people have stopped talking to me or I have stopped speaking to them. These relationships are destroyed hopefully for good reasons.
Caring/New Friends: Of the caring section of friends I have become very close to several of them, and several people that I would have classified as people who happen to know me and didn't really expect to say anything beyond I'm sorry, have really been there for me. I have really appreciated these people and how our relationships has changed and grown.
Problematic Friends/People: People that think me drinking fixes how I feel. People that think meds solves everything. Women that for some reason have turned into vultures who see grieving man+good job+law school+handsome=prey I appreciate them for letting me know I'm still here, but I don't want anyone.
Good Friend, Guilt, and Attraction: A friend who I have known since I was 7 but didn't really speak with in the last few years has been really helpful, understanding, caring. She has helped alot being able to relate how I grew up, knowing my wife and I, my family, and how I felt. I have started to feel some attraction to her. I had a crush on her when I was younger. She's gorgeous and kinds looks a bit like a blond halfling 4'11 90 lbs. cute round face. She was a cheerleader in our high school and college, majored in dance. I feel weird and guilty about this it's only been 3 months, and to make matters worse she's engaged. Her fiancee is over seas for the summer in a program for grad school. I think we have both been treading on the line of infidelity and unbearable guilt. Sigh...
Life Changes
Moving: I moved from where I was living. I didn't move out of the city, but moved to an area I had never been before. I couldn't take being where I was everything was a reminder. I picked a place that is nice but very cookie cutter and I'm treating it more as a monks cell than anything else. Everything is still packed, but bed and computer, furniture is kind of just shoved around.
Therapy: I had what is best described as a break down, again I suppose. My best guess it was a combination of grief, depression, bi-polar disorder, medication, and drinking. I stopped all medication and had weird withdraw symptoms, stopped binge drinking, and started therapy.
I honestly find therapy unhelpful and irritating at best, but I understand that it's still soon so I'm hanging in. I refused to take any medication until things calmed down and the psychiatrist can get a deeper perspective of me. He keeps pushing meds...I keep saying no.
Volunteering: I have been spending all my free time volunteering at an animal shelter. This is one of the few things I enjoy. I've always have loved animals. I was raised with dogs, cats, horses, cows and grew up in the middle of no where. Helping these animals is comforting and feels right. I am wishing I had a degree that involved vet science of some form.
Actives I have been spending as much time as I can finding distractions. I have been walking around our downtown area alot poking around and thinking. I have also been spending alot of time going to the theater alone. I enjoy movies, but not so much people or rather people talking to me and trying to help. The theater has started to be a refuge: it's dark, I'm being bombarded with sound and imagery, and no one speaks. Gaming: as trivial as it is I heard 2 new interns at work were talking about their hate of 4th ed. They thought they were in trouble then realized I was talking about D&D with I said you need download the Pathfinder RPG. They invited me to their game. I dropped my old group long ago because of the memories of me and my wife playing.
I don't know if things are better or not maybe? They are different. I didn't think my life would be this way at my age, but it has made me realize I'm young very young. I'm still depressed I can't lie about that. I still miss her every day, and I still get angry for odd reasons about random things, but I'm trying to I guess grow is the word I'm looking for; but I'm not sure what I'm trying to do. Thanks for listen to me ramble. You all have been a big help.
As always
Fizz
Fizz, I think I speak for everyone here when I say we are here to listen to you. You have been through something incredibly hard, and if us listening to your problems makes your day a little more bearable, then talk away.
Personally, I think you did the right thing about your job, although my chaotic-good leanings make me want to rat out the bosses and quit in that order.
Friends will always split down the middle between true blue and fair weather, and believe it or not, BOTH are needed(I wish I knew this back in high school). It's a wise move to keep from getting physically or emotionally entangled with your good female friend right now- she's going to be married and you're still hurting, and it's probably going to being one of those doing-the-wrong-thing-for-completely-different-reasons-type-situations, so let it drop for now. Just enjoy her company, and she will enjoy yours.
Moving is a good idea, and therapy is a great idea, whether you are into the idea of taking medication or not. As you may or may not know, I work with mentally ill people on a regular basis and I run a medication group once a week where members go over their problems with side effects and stuff, so I have a very positive opinion of medication, but I realize this issue is something we all have very different, very strong emotions about. Don't take anything unless you WANT to take it, otherwise it isn't going to do anything for you but make you feel high as a kite. Depending on what you are feeling at any particular point in time that may or may not be a good thing.
If volunteering is a balm for your soul right now, then keep it up. Doing things you enjoy right now is very, very important. Keep it up for as long as you are able to. Walk the length and breadth of town if you have to. If you want to become a vet, become a vet, but know that where you live and what school you go to makes the difference between an easy college experience and years of hell and bills.
Finally, and again this is all personally speaking, I would hold off on gaming right now, especially with a new group. The memories associated with gaming are going to be there for years to come, and you may not be ready for them to come back in a rush- not something you want to have happen in a room full of acquaintances. Overall though, it sounds like you are doing well, all things considered. You are feeling what you are feeling and not holding anything back, good or bad- a very good sign of healing. Not to get too mushy or preachy, but I know a part of her will always be there with you- continue to love her as you always have.
Fizzban, I wish there was something more I could say. All that I can say is things will get better. Not soon, but it will occur. We are here for you. Rant all you want and we will listen and then try to offer a bit of advice.
Good luck, Fizz. Sorry to hear that there are some people trying to decide for you what pace you should be going through the stuff you have to get through. I hope that you have enough friends who understand this is one situation where the terms can't really be set by anyone, at least not in terms of thinking it out and planning it out. I hope that things start to get better and keep getting better for you.
I'd like to echo Freehold DM, though I have, maybe a similar world view as him. Just keep taking life one day at a time. Time, eventually heals the worst wounds but nobody else can say for you how long that will take or how bad the scar is.
The only thing I'd add to the good wishes sent your way by our fellow posters has to do w/, oddly enough, your take on therapy.
I've never had therapy, so I'm neither pro- nor anti-therapy. But of course we're talking about the traditional "go to X, sit on the couch, and talk about stuff" I imagine. Maybe that's doing you some good, maybe not. I understand resisting the meds they throw at you like candy, though. Our society is WAY overmedicated as it is (sorry Fake Healer).
Anyway, to my point. I think the fact that you originally shared w/ us your feelings after your wife died was a form of therapy, and these checking-in posts continue w/ it. Most people here are going to be supportive of you, through our little online community based on a shared interest (gaming); not to mention, just being empathic human beings.
So, I think you must realize on some level it's helpful for your recovery to do this occasional...what shall I call it?...how about "board therapy"? As much of a staunch individualist that I am, I recognize there are times in our lives we really do need the help of others. "No man is an island", right? Anyway, I hope we're of some small consolation to you in your ongoing struggles. And so ends my ramble...
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Wanted to throw another post on the Thread, here, and wanted to just repeat what I mentioned on the original Thread a while back,
What would your wife have wanted you to do? Or, put another way, Would your wife be happy or content seeing you now?
Anyway, dunno if that helps or not but it's what got me thinking when my mom was killed. I'm glad you're doing work at the animal shelter.
Keep in touch!
-W. E. Ray
I can only give some amateurs advice, and you have to pick what sounds reasonable and helpful to you. I´m no expert in that area, I only had the usual amount of trouble that life gives you.
Keep doing what you like and what gives you some kind of stability and routine, like the volunteer work at the animal shelter. As your whole life is turned upside down and inside out, even a little routine can go a long way to stabilize you. Be careful about job decisions - perhaps you are not too reasonable at the moment. Talk to your friends about your ideas. Talking to friends is great anyways.
Alcohol is the ultimate solution - it dissolves friendships, families, work contracts and just everything else. Try to get rid of that demon, or anything else that seems to promise you an easy way out.
Don´t throw away the memories - in a few years, you will long for them. Put them away for now, as long as they are so painful.
True friends show their colours in times of need - to all others, good riddance. And don´t start anything with that friend of yours, as only more trouble will come from that.
But most important: Don´t give up on yourself! I know that this is easier said than done. But the fact that you are keeping us up to date shows already that you don´t really want to give up, so I think that you will get through this hardest of times. Keep on reporting, perhaps we can help you a little, even if half a world away.
My best wishes to you.
HTH,
Stefan
I'm not too expirianzed in this sort of matter, but I'd just like to say, 'Good luck.'
Years ago, your wife chose to spend the rest of her life with you, and you honored that admirably. Those memories and experiences are to be cherrished; not forgotten. They will be part of you and what you are forever. And you will eventually have more of them to add to those. I won't say better ones, just different ones.
Hang in there Fizz... One day at a time (one hour at a time if you have to). Seek those close to you for strength when you're in need of it.
Daniel Morency
Hey Fizzban...
I was thinking about you, and was wondering how things have been going for you lately.
I don't mean to open any wounds, but if you don't mind, how's things going?
-Casey Jacobson
Hey Fizz, I'm glad you're still with us.
Advice... I'm not much for that... you're doing right as far as I can see.
Frankly, I don't think I'd take to shrinks either.
About all I can think of is you could try a support group instead, meeting people is good. Or try taking a counseling course... which sounds weird, but sometimes learning about helping other people helps people learn about helping themselves. Plus students usually have to "counsel" each other during such courses, which is cool.
And the booze. Can you lose it? If it were me I would, but it ain't me it's you.
Animal shelter, cool. You wanna take them home?
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I think we have both been treading on the line of infidelity and unbearable guilt.
Please forgive a stranger from commenting on something so personal...
I think you need to ask yourself objectively if the 'both' in that sentence quoted is true. If so, you may need to find a way to express your feelings candidly as much for her sake as for yours, and preferably in a way that she can say "I'm flattered and thankful for your concern, but I'm truly happy with X" and you can still be friends afterwards. Not an easy conversation...
Of course, you also need to be certain that your feelings for her are true first.
I've seen friends get married because they wanted to be with someone (anyone), and thinking second-best was good enough - and it turned out not to be.
There should be no guilt if the arrow has struck again - Carpe diem.
... I have a feeling I'm going to get shredded for saying all this to someone in your position ...
[Edit] Just seen the date: Especially saying it so belatedly...