from his hiding place under a wooden
effigy of the racehorse Secretariat and scream
"Who spilled prune juice on my underwear?
Who spilled chocolate in my prune juice?"
Mel Brooks, being a cosmic aberration, then
decided that, in order to make Spaceballs
even spacier, John Candy would have to
acquire the pseudonatural creature template, by climbing
in a metal box with wires made
from baby carrion crawler tentacles. Then, a
switch would be thrown and the character
played by Steve Guttenberg would turn him
(he wasn't in Spaceballs, but he should have been)
into Darth Baul, the apprentice of Lord
Vader-Powell, overlord of the Darkside Boy Scouts
who awarded him the red lightsaber badge
, but made him wear short pants and
scuffed brown Hush Puppies with mismatched socks
to cover up his vile, loathsome feet
that resembled tentacles because of his botched
attempt to clean his toenails with his
Uncle Jo Bob's "Thewlew Stick," a bad
feeling about things formed in his mind,
and he began to babble about the
Rlyeh ftagn, whatever the hell that means,
and gibbering about the secret masters and
freemasons and Illuminatis and Aaron Spelling's daughter
and other similarly incomprehensible and stupefying things.
"I got my Nyarlathotep Achievement Merit Badge,"
bragged the newly reconfigured Barfolomew, as he
pinned it to his left temple using
Dot Matrix's diesel-powered staplegun. Safely affixed, the
Avatar scout toddled off bravely to bring
destruction upon a peaceful brood of halflings
who were selling halfling scout cookies to
an elderly Mi-Go. "Eviscerate the halflings, my
boy, and you will get your Eagle
Scout medal back!", yelled the sinister scoutmaster
as he ate the entrails of a
very surprised random passer-by. "Also, get me
a shrubbery, or I will say, 'nih'
and fold you into a Pokémon origami!"
"Gee willikers, Lord Vader-Powell", Darth Baul whined
as he teetered back in his chair,
the leg crunching on the tail of
a passing succubus, "I've never seen such
shameful swordsmanship by a group of nihilistic
ferengi, much less you lot of losers,"
as he watched the Darkside Scouts get
a nice split level shrubbery at a
bargain basement closeout price from Ikea and
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