So I have fairly thick skin, and I'm a firm believer that the best way to improve is to learn from mistakes. Of course, I'd prefer to learn from the mistakes of others. :D Here's the query I had sent in this past summer that I recently received a rejection letter for. I can spot a few things that would make it less than appealing (I'll add them last). But there's also a lot of folks here who I'm sure could offer me some tips and advice on how I could've done a better job on this query. One quick comment - this was written before the "rules" changed to allow two pages, single spaced; so if you think it seem a bit short, that could be why.
Anything at all that would help me (or others) learn from my mistakes is appreciated!
The Exterminators
General Information“The Exterminators” is a generic world adventure designed for first level characters. Geographically, the adventure requires a small island in the middle of a lake or river, and a small town nearby. The adventure should be fairly easy to scale upwards several levels.
Plot Summary
A patron hires the players to travel to a nearby island in order to help rid the island of a vermin infestation, as well as other minor pests. Alternatively, the players could happen to stumble into the adventure on their own, without a patron hiring them. The characters travel to the location of the island. They must find a way to reach the island. While on the island, they encounter numerous vermin such as rats and insects. They’ll also encounter several wild animals. In the center of the island is a crumbling structure. Some animals and vermin use this building for shelter, and while examining the building, the players find a stairway leading down to the basement of the building. Down here, they encounter a small cult dedicated to Nerull. The cult is actively in the process of sacrificing a young farm boy to their dark god. The players defeat the cult and rescue the farmer, returning him safely home. Examination of the cult leader’s journal reveals he is the source of the vermin infestation.
Important Foes
A third level cleric of Nerull leads the cultists. In addition to the cult leader, there are a half dozen or so other members of the cult dedicated to Nerull of first or second level. These secondary cult members will be fighters, rogues, and an additional cleric.
Rewards Gained
Along with experience points commiserate with the challenges overcome, the players will have a chance to recover treasure from the cultists – mostly in the form of cash and gems. The players recover some masterwork items, as well as one suit of magical armor taken from the fallen cultist leader.
The players receive payment from their patron, upon returning to town. In addition, returning the farm boy to his family will earn the players the respect and gratitude of many within the area. While the farmer is too poor to offer a substantial cash reward, he is willing to share part of his crops with the PCs. Finally, tales of their exploits make the characters heroes in the town. The inn keeper provides them rooms for up to one week at no cost, and numerous free meals from grateful community members will be given to the players.Estimates
The Exterminators will roughly require 6500 words, and three maps. The first map will be an overland map demonstrating the location of the town and island respective to each other. The second map will be a detailed view of the island, including the upper area of the ruined building. The third and final map will detail the basement of the building used by the evil cultists as a secret base.
So a few things I picked up on while reading it over prior to posting it:
Along with experience points commiserate with the challenges overcome ...
::blush:: Those are some sad, sad experience points...
So what else could I have done better? Thanks in advance!
-- John
Forgot a point...
I've never submitted a query, much less had an adventure published, so take my advice with that in mind.
There are a few things your query doesn't adress that I would like to know if I were an editor at Dungeon:
Why did the cultists take the farmer (or is it farm-boy... you mix up the terms in your subimssion)? Make it interesting! Maybe he's in debt. Maybe he's in love with someone beyond his social status, you get the drift. If you're going to make this a starter adventure, you might as well go all out in terms of a plot hook.
What are the cultists up to? is this just a generic sacrifice (boring) or is something more sinister going on?
What's with the animals? Is there a special reason they are on the island? How did they react to cultists and their sacrifices?
The plot sumary could use some more details (such as answers to some of the questions above). A relatively large portion of the query focusses on the reward. In this case you may have been better off with more focus on plot and less on reward.
The adventurers are hired to rid an island of vermin? I can't imagine anybody caring about the number of vermin on an island. That seems kooky.
Tony M
While it’s hard to give general advice you haven't already heard, I do have a couple of “workshop” points to give this specific query. I am no expert. . . far from it, but these are the things I would most likely change for your original query:
1. Why are they hired? What does the patron have to gain? It sounds like there is no commerce or living persons on the island to begin with. If no one lives there, than why would anyone care about an infestation? Is there a silver deposit, good lobster beds, Jewelry from the ancient civlization that the patron wants for himself? Etc.
2. Sacrificing the kid seems kind of thrown in. It’s good because it gives a sense of urgency, but I would consider something different. If you have a kid being sacrificed, the entire pulse of the adventure should focus on him, instead of the vermin. I liek the vermin better.
3. Describe a “King Vermin.” Instead of just a bunch of nameless rabble, personalize one of them, and have the cult use this one as a fulcrum to controlling/releasing the others. Maybe make it a spellwarped rat, or an intelligent centipede. Maybe the king is a flying rodent, like a giant bat, nesting on the spire of the tallest ruined building, and pissing streams of poisonous ammonia. . . something like that.
4. Make a quick point about the terrian. Is the island tough to get around? More importantly, what are the ruins? Having some kind of tie-in to the ancient history of the island would be good, maybe allude to details regarding it’s downfall through the PCs exploration. . . related to vermin, rats, or some tie-in with the current scenario would be good.
5. What is distnctive about the leader? Is his face scarred from a childhood brush with a wasp’s nest? Is his leg gouty with rotworms? Does he have any vendettas against the mainland, or the patron? Make him distinctive without using strange class levels, templates, or weird magical items.
6. Decribe the cult more specifically. What are its motivations? Why set off vermin? Add a few dimensions to make the cult unique. Here's an example: Maybe they worship an aspect of Nyrull that focuses on Disease. Their goal with the vermin is to infect themselves. As good cultists, they willingly lower themselves into pits filled with rabid, hungry rats. Bitten to near death, and mad with pain, they are sacrificing themelves as incubators to eventually spread the disease to the mainland, or something. With this sceanrio, every cultist encountered is pockmarked from head to toe with nasty, infected rat bites, and adds a dimeonsion to bland cultists.
Anyway, I hope some of this helps. Like I said, I’m no expert. I get lots of proposals rejected, so I have a lot to learn about my own ideas too.
Good luck in your writing, John!
Thanks, all, for the feedback. In my mind, I know the answers to a lot of the stuff that folks are pointing out as "missing." That, of course, didn't help the editors make a decision. Having the extra space from not double spacing might have helped give me the room to address some of them - but likely not all of them. If anybody is interested...
Why did the cultists take the farmer (or is it farm-boy... you mix up the terms in your subimssion)? Make it interesting! Maybe he's in debt. Maybe he's in love with someone beyond his social status, you get the drift. If you're going to make this a starter adventure, you might as well go all out in terms of a plot hook.
The "why" is the easy part - to make a sacrifice. They're Eeeeeviiiil, after all. :) "How" is a better question, and I don't have the answer for that one. As for farm-boy/farmer, I figured in the 14-16 age range.
What are the cultists up to? is this just a generic sacrifice (boring) or is something more sinister going on?
It was indeed the boring thing. The island is secluded and un-occupied, making it a good place to hide out.
What's with the animals? Is there a special reason they are on the island? How did they react to cultists and their sacrifices?
The intention was for it just to be regular forest-type animals; one would have gotten aggresive, to give a Druid or Ranger a chance to shine a little bit.
The plot sumary could use some more details (such as answers to some of the questions above). A relatively large portion of the query focusses on the reward. In this case you may have been better off with more focus on plot and less on reward.
Indeed. The comments after yours suggest the same thing.
The adventurers are hired to rid an island of vermin? I can't imagine anybody caring about the number of vermin on an island. That seems kooky.
You say that as though kooky is a bad thing. :)
Two points. The island is small - don't think Bermuda; instead think a couple of acres in the middle of a river. In my mind, the patron wanted to use the island as a vacation/retreat location for him and his family.
1. Why are they hired? What does the patron have to gain? It sounds like there is no commerce or living persons on the island to begin with. If no one lives there, than why would anyone care about an infestation? Is there a silver deposit, good lobster beds, Jewelry from the ancient civlization that the patron wants for himself? Etc.
See my answer to Tony's point.
2. Sacrificing the kid seems kind of thrown in. It’s good because it gives a sense of urgency, but I would consider something different. If you have a kid being sacrificed, the entire pulse of the adventure should focus on him, instead of the vermin. I liek the vermin better.
Good read. He was a toss in.
3. Describe a “King Vermin.” Instead of just a bunch of nameless rabble, personalize one of them, and have the cult use this one as a fulcrum to controlling/releasing the others. *snip*
Nice point.
4. Make a quick point about the terrian. Is the island tough to get around? More importantly, what are the ruins?
Forest. The ruins are a long ago abandoned manor house, and it's periphery buildings.
5. What is distnctive about the leader? *snip*
*nods* detail is good...
6. Decribe the cult more specifically. What are its motivations? *snip*
oooh - I like your 'spreading disease' idea. And you're certainly right - assigning motives to the cult makes them far more interesting than just "some random evil cult looking to do evil."
Anyway, I hope some of this helps. Like I said, I’m no expert. I get lots of proposals rejected, so I have a lot to learn about my own ideas too.
It helped immensely - everybody's replies. Thanks a ton. I have a lot to learn, too. And hopefully, others can learn from my mistakes that are pointed out here so they don't fall into the same traps I did. And if others have more feedback, of course, I'm interested in hearing more.
I like the points already made, and the core idea of them I think holds true: don't go with generic when you could supply detail. I find that when writing flavor, it starts off more wordy, but can be tightened down to nearly the same word count as generic with careful (painful) editing.
Reading the proposal, I don't see why the adventure is set on an island. My first thought is to say that the adventure would be far more creepy (as an adventure around evil priests should be) if it was set in an urban environment. This also makes the vermin problem more pressing, and gives an excuse to deploy the underused disease rules. (I've had some ideas for disease-based scenarios crawling around the back of my head but none close to blossoming yet, so if the notes from here sound like I have my own notions of The Right Way To Do Things, you know why.)
This does change the feel of the adventure fundamentally; now instead of chasing around an island slaying rats until they spot the lone tower in the distance, you have something more like a mystery setup. The party has to figure out why the city has the sudden influx of plague-bearing vermin, and then act to solve it. (At that point the next question becomes, why does the party get involved with solving this, and what stops them from handing it over to the city guard when they've had their fill? Some kind of personal motivation, like one of their relatives being infected, is a good start but not the whole story. Maybe the guard itself is part of the corruption they encounter?)
Another thought:
I like the use of vermin as core enemies for a starting adventure from a gaming standpoint, but from a roleplaying standpoint it's problematic. Hiring a party of aspiring adventurers as ratkillers has a humiliating ring to it. Players want to exult in their character's adventures, so you need to feed them a foe worthy of their dreams. Something in the proposal should hint at this: They aren't killing rats, they're investigating the mystery of the sudden plague, or following the fever dreams of an infected sage, or something equally heroic.
Now personally, I like to start my homebrew campaigns with the party in humble situations. First level characters are fragile, bumbling things, so I like to portray the PCs early levels as apprenticeships and preludes that hint at the campaign to come. In this context, giving them the humiliating task of ratkillers makes some sense. The trick is explaining it in such a way that we know why up and coming arcanists, holy men, martial artists, etc, found themselves with this common goal. Who would think to hire such a team for such a job, or why would they self-organize for the task? That's a question the proposal needs to answer.
Not enough backstory! LOL. just kidding. I just got home and I will read it in more detail after a good nap.
Looks like those sedatives made you double post, Greg. :)
I don't hesitate to comment, even when it's unwarranted. I certainly am an expert on the perfect query. I haven't sent everything to everyone to know whether or not they will ultimately be rejected or accepted.
I think every one of the points above is good. So good I ripped this one off from a someone who's drugged.
Cliches can be a good thing if you can stand then on their head every once and a while. Have you ever considered doing a good cult story?
GGG
Sometimes a pitch or query can be great or "perfect," and yet still get rejected if it doesn't fit what the magazine needs at that moment. Case in point perhaps would be an adventure featuring half-draogns after the magazine had already accepted a slew of similar ideas.
As a wise man once said, it is possible to make no mistakes and yet still fail...
Ok. First off, congrats on telling a complete story in less than 500 words...you editing dog, you. I copy n pasted the thing into Word and was going to tell you to look for the passive sentences....BUT you have 0% passive sentences! Geez! Nothing for me to pick on! (though Word wanted inn keeper to be one word). The only thing that I can add to the astute observations of the other commenters is the use of 'will' verbs. "This mod will require roughly 6500 words and will have 3 maps". or whatever it said. I swear I read somewhere that the ed's do not like 'will' verbs in their proposals (they are allergic to them, I think). That sentence could be "This mod requires roughly 6500 words and the ruins and underground portion both have a map, with a larger overview map to tie them together." or something like that. Anyway, you should take what everybody has said and resend the thing in with changes.
Good suggestions everybody!
And like Mark said, it could have been a day where the ed had 7 proposals with evil clerics or 1st level proposals and had his fill of them. So, he dunked the paper in the nacho cheese. mmmmm cheese.
Oh yeah. Even though it was a last minute addition, I could totally see the 'visual' of the sacrifice of poor lil farmer boy. It sounded like it had shades of the Thuggee cult in The Temple of Doom!
Cool, I like this thread! I'm not sure if this was what you had in mind when you started it, but I'm going to hijack it and post MY query that just got rejected on "Black Tuesday".
A few comments up front:
* Don't say "Too much backstory, not enough adventure" - I know, I know!! :-P
* Also written before the change to two pages single spaced, but I pushed the envelope to the maximum with the old format so I'm not sure it really matters.
Jet Black: Captivating Works of Art
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PLOT
The artisans from the Republic of Darokin are among the finest in the Known World. As such, the goods that they produce are greatly valued and highly sought after. Whenever word of a new artisan of exceptional talent reaches the market place there is often a frenzy of speculation about his or her future and a great deal of haggling over the worth of their existing pieces. Just such an event brings the characters face to face with a true fiend in this adventureA female artisan, Matrissa by name, has recently taken the Darokin art world by surprise. Rumors of her talent and skill for creating magnificent stone busts have spread throughout the city. She works only in jet and produces pieces of such exquisite detail and quality that none like them have been seen in recent history. Exactly four of her works are on display at a local art shop in the City of Darokin (the capital of the Republic) and, in a few days time, are to be auctioned off to the highest bidder. No other examples of her work are known and speculation on the eventual value of her art is high – even among many individuals who do not normally follow the fads and fancies of the art world.
In this adventure, the PC’s either decide on their own or are hired to make a journey to Matrissa’s manor in response to the resounding success of the auction. The journey to Matrissa’s home may have one or both of the following purposes: to acquire one or more pieces of her work – preferably for as little as they can – or to entice her to deal through them (or the merchant(s) whom they represent) rather than through the agent responsible for the recent auction. The PCs should believe that, if they play their cards right, they might just make a pretty penny from this venture – either in direct sales or on commission. However, there is more to Matrissa and her artwork than initially meets the eye and, as you might expect, things will not work out according to plans.
Matrissa is a kind and charming host when the PC’s approach her but behind the pleasant exterior and a secret door or two, she hides a dark secret in the depths beneath her richly appointed manor. This dark beauty is a powerful, and evilly deranged, mage who captures and imprisons the beautiful and visually interesting so they may serve as “models” for her works of art. Matrissa keeps her prisoners locked away in a well-secluded dungeon, right next to a private "menagerie" where she keeps various unusual monsters, including a Shockingly Black Cockatrice.
The Shockingly Black Cockatrice is identical to the standard Cockatrice except for the following: its feathers and scales are a metallic gloss-black and it turns its victims into pure jet instead of ordinary stone. Whenever Matrissa decides to create a new sculpture, she uses various combinations of magic and mundane torture to "arrange" a model and then introduces them into the cockatrice's cage. Once turned to jet, she recovers the victim and, usually, cuts off the head and shoulders to produce one of her exquisitely beautiful busts.
When the PC’s finally confront Matrissa and her minions they should find her to be a dangerous and capricious foe, but with luck and planning, they should be able to defeat her.
ADVENTURE REGION
Republic of Darokin
The plot of this module is an expansion of the "Works of Art" Adventure Synopsis on p56 of "Gazetteer 11: The Republic Of Darokin" accessory for the Mystara campaign world. As a result, the proposal (and my draft module) are nominally set in this region but would be easily converted to a generic adventure.Of course, as a true fan of Mystara I must admit that I would love to see my adventure presented as an "Other Worlds" adventure for Mystara, with an "Adapting the Module" sidebar handling the generic and/or Greyhawk, Forgotten Realms and Eberron options.
MAJOR FOES
Matrissa, Female human wizard (enchanter) 5/mindbender 7. Matrissa is petite and beautiful, in a pale, dark and mysterious way. She is also a sick, twisted, dark and evil person who loves to torture and kill and forcing others to do her bidding, preferably against their will. Most normal people would say she is certifiably crazy – if they got a chance to say anything before she charmed them.Tromp, Mujina fighter 2. Matrissa retains Tromp as her majordomo. He manages the public areas of her manor, variously fulfilling roles such as butler, gardener, stable hand, or man-at-arms as required
Kata, Female human weretiger wizard (enchanter) 3. Kata is a dark skinned, exotic looking young woman who is tall, sleekly muscular and agile. She is a natural weretiger and Matrissa's apprentice.
NEW MONSTER
Mujina (CR6)
In its natural form, a mujina looks like an exceptionally large human except that it has no face. Where the eyes, nose, ears and mouth should be is nothing–the face is smooth like an egg. However, the mujina generally uses its Façade ability to give its face any appearance it wants. It most often poses as a human fighter.In combat, a mujina typically fights with two weapons, one in each hand. It is very strong and has the extraordinary ability to use two-handed melee weapons in one hand and a one-handed melee weapon as a light weapon
Mujina are magical creatures created by some unknown humanoid spellcaster specifically to plague the human race. Mujina are all physically and emotionally identical, which fills them with a hatred for any creatures who have individual traits. They especially hate humans, the most diverse and individual of species
The original version of the mujina can be found in the D&D Rules Cyclopedia
SUMMARY OF REWARDS
The majority of rewards are items that the PC’s may recover from looting Matrissa’s home and dungeon after discovering her dark secret and defeating her. These items are primarily valuable furnishings, clothing, jewelry and art objects of mid-level value. They may also find some items that are more valuable such as magic weapons, other magic items and Matrissa's spell bookThe PC’s should also receive a great deal of publicity for the rescue of any prisoners, the identification of the dead, and the return of any undamaged victims of paralysis.
SUMMARY OF ENCOUNTERS
The PC’s may encounter the following foes and obstacles:* Party of NPCs also hoping to obtain Matrissa's art
* Matrissa, Tromp and/or Kata (see above)
* Vicious Guard Dogs
* Assassin Vine and/or Violet Fungi (from Matrissa's "garden")
* Ghosts of construction workers killed by Matrissa upon completion of her Manor
* Shockingly Black Cockatrice
* Other dangerous creatures from Matrissa's "menagerie"
* Minor minions: Animated objects, minor constructs
* Magical and non-magical trapsESTIMATED LENGTH
Words: 10,000 to 15,000.
Okay, there it is. I've prepared myself with a potion of thick skin, so no holding back now.
Go ahead, do your worst.
I mean it... I can take it.
Really.
I think...
{*gulp*}
-Jenni
PS: And now you know where my handle came from too. ;-)
Sorry if this comment has already been made and I missed it, but: employ a proof-reader. Knowledge of D&D is not a prerequisite for the role. Hand them this thread and the "black hole" thread for guidance. It's amazing what you can miss in a boiled-down write-up when you've immersed yourself in the idea and everything seems obvious to you. Give them a nickel every time they begin a sentence, "Why does...?"
Go ahead, do your worst.
I mean it... I can take it.
Really.
I got some thoughts. Here they go:
You obviously enjoy the NPC, and you've created an interesting backstory for her. The only real issue I see is that there really isn't an adventure in this proposal. Based on what you've written, how would this play itself out for over 10K words? IMO, the PCs would enter the mansion, have a few drinks, get attacked or controlled, and be forced to defeat her near the beginning (Unless you do some DM ganking). All of the other things, such as the cool cockatrice and the menagerie, are things that would be encountered AFTER the BBEG is dead.
I'm sure this isn't how you envisioned the adventure, but this is how I think it would play out based on the information you've given. The PCs need something to do.
I see two options to expand it:
The Mansion is Act I - If Martissa were a front for something else lurking in her mansion, something darker and more malevolent, that would make for a better story arc. Since you've gone the mindbender route, it would be deliciously ironic. . . let's say, if SHE was being controlled herself. The Mansion can hold underground chambers, be built against a mountainside, etc.
The Mansion as Act III - You explained the impact of these beautiful busts no the art world, but you didn't mention what the impact of these missing persons would be. Cnsidering the beauty of the victims, it is probable that they would be nobility, fellow artisans, or uncommonly beautiful peasants. They will be missed. . . plus the likeness of every bust resembles a missing person. How does Martissa cover her tracks? Maybe this lends itself to an investigation-type adventre, using business fronts and red herrings. When they finally arrive at Martissa's hidden mansion, the PCs may ahve already encounter a few of her holdings and minions. This leads to a confrontation with her at the end of the adventure, rather than the beginning.
Other bits:
1. The Art scene - Who's jealous? Who's suspicious? Who clues the PCs into the adventure? Is it a rival? An art house going out of business because they can't complete? Does Martissa have a financial backer, or a art promoter who sells her work. Is he/she in on it, too? How many different artists and NPCs can you come up with? List them all, ratta-tat-tat. One's an sumo wrestler who will only help if challenged to a match, one is a perfumer who dabbles in "artistic scents" and needs spell components, one's a flamboyant bard controlled by an cruelly intelligent pipe organ, etc.
2. The Mansion - What's unique about it? Is it secluded? If it's in a city and the PCs were to quickly escape, why can't they find help, or just never go back at all? What kind of details make this mansion an ecentric artist's home? Is it made from the magically twisted trunks of still living trees? Are there rooms lit by enthralled moths that flutter about the celing with light spells cast on them? Or, is the whole place dark, shadowy, and sinister, opposite of her outward front?
3. A theme for monsters - You cockatrice idea is very cool, and I think it speaks of an overall theme for the menagerie. What kind of creatures are they? Maybe make them all relate to the art scene, such as a captured memphit that paints with smoke, or a ravid that animates a dollhouse full of delicately painted minature constructs, etc.
4. You have an intersting NPC. Have you statted her out? Maybe she would make a good Critical Threat, instead of the focus of an adventure? Generally, editors have given me this advice in the past, when they've had more time to provide feedback.
5. Nail down the word count and the level of the adventure. You want to do everything you can to help the editors make a decision, even if it means a quicker "No." James Sutter once said that the editors know who you are, and they are rooting for you to be sucessful. I've found this to be absolutely true. Help them to help you. Write many proposals and give them choices. Let them know that you're committed to this thing, that you take it seriously, and that your ideas have range. Don't tell them that you want it. . . show them that you want it.
Whew! I hope that helps. Good luck in your future writing, and I hope things go well for you. :)
Jenni -
You have a number of issues with this query, the first being that it's too long. It clocks in at over 1100 words. The editors frown on this, since they expect that going over the word count in the query will translate to going over the word count in the final article.
The editors specifically say that they're not looking for adventures in unused campaign settings. You ask to set this in Mystara. Make clear the inspiration for the story is the known world, but set it in a generic setting... make it compelling and knowing its origin, the editors can decide if they'd like you to set it in Mystara (they've done stranger things).
In addition to some minor grammar issues (proof-readers are a must), your order is a little off... the editors want to know what the PCs will be doing, that's their focus. This doesn't mean not to use backstory in your piece... rather use it in a different way.
I'll try to do some better commentary on this later to show you what I mean.
- Ashavan
Jenni - I totally don't mind you posting your query and getting some feedback! I'll read over your query with a critical eye later on - I haven't had enough coffee yet to give it a fair shake. :)
For all of you who took the time to read my query and offer advice and feedback - thank you very much. I've learned a lot of lessons that I think I'll be able to apply to future queries I send.
Jenni, Chris and Ashavan have already covered a lot of what I was going to say regarding your adventure query (and probably explained it a lot better than I could).
However, I have to say that when I initially skimmed your query, I immediately noticed the following (btw, it was evocative and had a lot of interesting ideas):
1. The usage of Mystara elements. Unfortunately, Mystara is no longer supported, so direct reference would probably not be appropriate. If you really want to use the Mystara material, I would suggest using the original sources as inspiration, making sure that you use different naming conventions and that the material you use would not make conversion to other settings difficult. Hopefully, Mystara fans out there would pick up on your inspiration and be able to utilize the material in their own home campaigns.
2. The lack of an appropriate level. I think that your adventure is ment for mid-level characters, but it is kind of hard to determine the specific level. The opponents that you use in the adventure range from CR 3 mooks to a CR 12 BBEG.
3. The lack of a firm word count. I don't think a range is sufficient for the editors to make a decision. They need to know how much space your adventure could possibly take up in the magazine, and the range also indicates that you haven't firmed up your ideas (admittedly, you are leaving yourself a lot of wiggle room). I have found that targetting a word count up front enforces a measure of self-discpline when writing.
Just two other quick notes. Though the maximum word length for an adventure is 15,000, it would be advisable to not push that ceiling, since a 15,000 word adventure is going to take up a lot space in the magazine (I believe that a full page of text in the magazine takes up 850 words). I would think that an unsolicited 15,000 word adventure has to be pretty good to make the cut. My last point is that your adventure includes a lot of NPCs and an appendix for your mujina, all those stats and extra material that would also eat up your word count.
Jet Black: Captivating Works of Art
I’m not thrilled with this title. I don’t find it particularly evocative.
PLOT
The artisans from the Republic of Darokin are among the finest in the Known World. As such, the goods that they produce are greatly valued and highly sought after. Whenever word of a new artisan of exceptional talent reaches the market place there is often a frenzy of speculation about his or her future and a great deal of haggling over the worth of their existing pieces. Just such an event brings the characters face to face with a true fiend in this adventure
Immediate you have set the adventure in the Known World, an unsupported setting. Also, this is entirely backstory that could be wrapped up with “The unparalleled artists of Darokin create a stir with every statue, every painting. A world of intrigue, politics, and money, the art world of the kingdom will soon find new potential victims in the PCs.” – 35 words instead of 84. Also note that much of your introduction is in passive voice.
A female artisan, Matrissa by name, has recently taken the Darokin art world by surprise. Rumors of her talent and skill for creating magnificent stone busts have spread throughout the city. She works only in jet and produces pieces of such exquisite detail and quality that none like them have been seen in recent history. Exactly four of her works are on display at a local art shop in the City of Darokin (the capital of the Republic) and, in a few days time, are to be auctioned off to the highest bidder. No other examples of her work are known and speculation on the eventual value of her art is high – even among many individuals who do not normally follow the fads and fancies of the art world.
Again, entirely backstory, and too lengthy. Consider “With her exquisitely realistic busts in jet, the artisan Matrissa took the art world of the kingdom by surprise. A recent addition to the art world, a local art shop will soon auction the only four known pieces of her work.” – 41 words versus 129. Again, this avoids passive voice and tells the essential elements.
In this adventure, the PC’s either decide on their own or are hired to make a journey to Matrissa’s manor in response to the resounding success of the auction. The journey to Matrissa’s home may have one or both of the following purposes: to acquire one or more pieces of her work – preferably for as little as they can – or to entice her to deal through them (or the merchant(s) whom they represent) rather than through the agent responsible for the recent auction. The PCs should believe that, if they play their cards right, they might just make a pretty penny from this venture – either in direct sales or on commission. However, there is more to Matrissa and her artwork than initially meets the eye and, as you might expect, things will not work out according to plans.
Your primary hook essentially requires the PCs take up the adventure on their own. As lovely as this is to do in home campaigns, it’s frowned on in Dungeon. Perhaps something like “The merchant X retains the party to negotiate with Matrissa on his behalf. Convinced beyond doubt that Matrissa’s work, even with the excitement and buzz around it, has value far beyond what the auction will bring, the merchant wishes to avoid the possibility of losing any of the pieces to another bidder. However, Matrissa’s secrets lurk under the surface of her work and the PCs plans will soon go awry.” – again this is shorter (70 words versus over a hundred, I’ll stop belaboring the word counts here, as by now you should see the point.) and it involves the PCs directly without relying on them stumbling on the adventure. Also, few PCs are equipped to deal with art values on their own (with the exception of some rogues and possibly bards)… an outside entity helps ensure all parties can participate.
Matrissa is a kind and charming host when the PC’s approach her but behind the pleasant exterior and a secret door or two, she hides a dark secret in the depths beneath her richly appointed manor. This dark beauty is a powerful, and evilly deranged, mage who captures and imprisons the beautiful and visually interesting so they may serve as “models” for her works of art. Matrissa keeps her prisoners locked away in a well-secluded dungeon, right next to a private "menagerie" where she keeps various unusual monsters, including a Shockingly Black Cockatrice.
I think you’ve created a deranged mage here that would pass the editors “no deranged wizards as villains” test, but you’re describing her in passive voice. You fix this later in the paragraph, but I think your frequent use of passive voice probably hurt you in the submissions process. We all do this, and it’s sometimes hard to notice, part of why a good proof-reader before submission is a must. I’d make the description a bit more concise, but it’s good.
The Shockingly Black Cockatrice is identical to the standard Cockatrice except for the following: its feathers and scales are a metallic gloss-black and it turns its victims into pure jet instead of ordinary stone. Whenever Matrissa decides to create a new sculpture, she uses various combinations of magic and mundane torture to "arrange" a model and then introduces them into the cockatrice's cage. Once turned to jet, she recovers the victim and, usually, cuts off the head and shoulders to produce one of her exquisitely beautiful busts.
I’d include this in a much briefer form, something like: “Matrissa uses a Shockingly Black Cockatrice, a creature that turns its victims into statues of pure jet, to create her works, cutting the head and shoulders from the resulting statue to produce her now famous busts.”
When the PC’s finally confront Matrissa and her minions they should find her to be a dangerous and capricious foe, but with luck and planning, they should be able to defeat her.
I have to suspect this is where you lost the editors. The PCs finally confront Matrissa… WHY? How and why do they discover what she’s doing, that she’s anything other than an artisan? Is the merchant hiring them to investigate her first, perhaps hoping to blackmail her into lower prices? Will she pick a PC to be her next bust? What is the motive? This brief paragraph is the only place you tell the editors what the PCs do in the adventure.
ADVENTURE REGION
Republic of Darokin
The plot of this module is an expansion of the "Works of Art" Adventure Synopsis on p56 of "Gazetteer 11: The Republic Of Darokin" accessory for the Mystara campaign world. As a result, the proposal (and my draft module) are nominally set in this region but would be easily converted to a generic adventure.
Of course, as a true fan of Mystara I must admit that I would love to see my adventure presented as an "Other Worlds" adventure for Mystara, with an "Adapting the Module" sidebar handling the generic and/or Greyhawk, Forgotten Realms and Eberron options.
I’ve already mentioned that I don’t think this is necessary. A simple statement to the effect of: “This adventure should be placed in a kingdom or country in the DMs campaign that values artistic works” would be sufficient. Your desire to place it in the known world could be easily placed in the email to the editors with the adventure attachments. I would, however, note the adventure’s inspiration, probably at the beginning of the query.
MAJOR FOES
Matrissa, Female human wizard (enchanter) 5/mindbender 7. Matrissa is petite and beautiful, in a pale, dark and mysterious way. She is also a sick, twisted, dark and evil person who loves to torture and kill and forcing others to do her bidding, preferably against their will. Most normal people would say she is certifiably crazy – if they got a chance to say anything before she charmed them.
Tromp, Mujina fighter 2. Matrissa retains Tromp as her majordomo. He manages the public areas of her manor, variously fulfilling roles such as butler, gardener, stable hand, or man-at-arms as required
Kata, Female human weretiger wizard (enchanter) 3. Kata is a dark skinned, exotic looking young woman who is tall, sleekly muscular and agile. She is a natural weretiger and Matrissa's apprentice.
NEW MONSTER
Mujina (CR6)
In its natural form, a mujina looks like an exceptionally large human except that it has no face. Where the eyes, nose, ears and mouth should be is nothing–the face is smooth like an egg. However, the mujina generally uses its Façade ability to give its face any appearance it wants. It most often poses as a human fighter.
In combat, a mujina typically fights with two weapons, one in each hand. It is very strong and has the extraordinary ability to use two-handed melee weapons in one hand and a one-handed melee weapon as a light weapon
Mujina are magical creatures created by some unknown humanoid spellcaster specifically to plague the human race. Mujina are all physically and emotionally identical, which fills them with a hatred for any creatures who have individual traits. They especially hate humans, the most diverse and individual of species
The original version of the mujina can be found in the D&D Rules Cyclopedia
Good information, but almost entirely passive, and the Mujina description is way too long for a new monster in an adventure query.
SUMMARY OF REWARDS
The majority of rewards are items that the PC’s may recover from looting Matrissa’s home and dungeon after discovering her dark secret and defeating her. These items are primarily valuable furnishings, clothing, jewelry and art objects of mid-level value. They may also find some items that are more valuable such as magic weapons, other magic items and Matrissa's spell book
The PC’s should also receive a great deal of publicity for the rescue of any prisoners, the identification of the dead, and the return of any undamaged victims of paralysis.
This section is good and necessary
SUMMARY OF ENCOUNTERS
The PC’s may encounter the following foes and obstacles:
• Party of NPCs also hoping to obtain Matrissa's art
* Matrissa, Tromp and/or Kata (see above)
* Vicious Guard Dogs
* Assassin Vine and/or Violet Fungi (from Matrissa's "garden")
* Ghosts of construction workers killed by Matrissa upon completion of her Manor
* Shockingly Black Cockatrice
* Other dangerous creatures from Matrissa's "menagerie"
* Minor minions: Animated objects, minor constructs
* Magical and non-magical traps
These encounters are part of what the PCs do… give them some love. Is there a particularly ingenious trap? What about those ghosts? Who are they? Is an encounter with the ghosts what drives the PCs to confront Matrissa?
ESTIMATED LENGTH
Words: 10,000 to 15,000.
Your range is too big here… try for a target number and aim to hit within a 1000 words of it (or even better, 500 words of it). Also, I don’t see anywhere where you say what level the PCs should be. Even if all you do is say that it will be a low-level adventure, make sure you tell the editors early on what category (high/med/low level) the adventure is.
You have a lot of excellent ideas here, but you need to be more clear about what the PCs are doing and why. Also, work on the passive voice issue… I hear that it drives James nuts, so avoiding passive voice should also help you in the submissions process.
Know your backstory, it’s crucial to a good adventure… but the editors only need to glimpse that you know the backstory. If you give them a good idea of what the PCs are doing and why, the necessary elements of the backstory will come out in the process.
- Ashavan
Chris and Ashavan have already said most of the things that came to mind for me re: Matrissa's proposal, but regardless...
I'm going to jump on the "Too Wordy!" bandwagon, and suggest that the core points of your plot synopsis could be boiled down even below what Ashavan described, to this point:
The party is hired to retain Matrissa, a sculptor whose recent works in jet have created a stir in the art world. Their negotiations go awry when (???) and they discover all too directly the secret behind Matrissa's flawless detail: A cockatrice that turns its victims to jet.
Now one of the reasons I'm doing this extreme trim-down is re-make the point the posters before have hammered: When you cut away all the flavor/fluff, this is all you've told us about the dramatic thrust of the adventure. "What goes wrong when the party meets Matrissa" is one question urgently in need of being addressed.
Another question begging for an answer is "what next?" Does the party simply kill Matrissa and her pet and walk away? Has she started her hosting and negotiations by leading them into the deepest recesses of her estate, from where they'll have to fight their way back out once things turn sour? Does she take something dear to one of the party so that they'll have to hunt through her lair? (Perhaps their patron, who still owes them the balance of their fee?) Each different answer implies a different structure to the adventure that follows, and hints at why the party is going to actually encounter the ghosts, assassin vines, mujina, etc. you mention elsewhere.
Its threads like these that make love coming to these boards; there's tons of good stuff here, especially for novice writers like myself. I hope that Zherog and Jenni would not mind if I posted one of my recently rejected queries also, sometime later today.
Post away, Shroomy. We can all learn from each other. :)
***
Jenni - I still haven't had time to carefully go over your query. I'll pick up on two things others have told you, though.
First, figure out how many encounters the adventure's going to have (it helps to sketch out maps here, or at least have an idea of how many maps the adventure's going to have). By encounters, I mean events, BBEG battles, traps, or pretty much any keyed location on a map. Take that number and multiply by 500 (a rough average for an encounter's word length). Add another 1500 for extra stuff (scaling the adventure sidebars, the author bio, intro text, miscellaneous sidebars, and tables). The result is by no means exact, but it's close enough at the proposal stage to work.
It's probably best to round up to the nearest increment of 1000. If it gets accepted, and if once I start writing it I find out it's going to be shorter or longer ... by more than 1,000 words, I'd drop an email to the editor to let them know and ask if the new length will be a problem.
So there's some help. I'm off to play with my kids now. I'll give you some more later. :)
-- John
Alright - I found some time to read through and find things I liked and things I didn't like. I'll try not to spend too much time on things others pointed out. Remember to take any advice I offer with a grain or two of salt, since I've had no luck breaking into the pages of Dungeon yet.
Jet Black: Captivating Works of Art
A title doesn't need to be spectacular, but it does need to be good enough to make the reader at least go, "Hmmm..." I don't think your title is all that bad; it probably needs to be tweaked, but it's workable.
In this adventure, the PC’s either decide on their own or are hired to make a journey to Matrissa’s manor in response to the resounding success of the auction.
I doubt my players would consider this on their own. I sprinkle "news" items into my games regularly, many of them as opportunities for side treks. My players rarely grab hold of them. And as I learned after submitting my query, the editors don't like "the players stumble upon the plot" as one of the hooks (though it is one of the plot hooks in Skip Williams's adventure this month ;) ). My advice would be to offer up one really solid hook in your proposal. Perhaps another merchant suspects that there's more to her statues than meets the eye; if Martissa is discredited, this merchant has a lot to gain. Martissa recognizes him, though; so he hires the PCs to pose as art dealers looking to form a partnership with this new and interesting artist. *shrug*
However, there is more to Matrissa and her artwork than initially meets the eye and, as you might expect, things will not work out according to plans.
Foreshadowing is good; keeping secrets from the editors isn't. This sentence is good for foreshadowing, as long as you follow up on it clearly.
Matrissa is a kind and charming host when the PC’s approach her but behind the pleasant exterior and a secret door or two, she hides a dark secret in the depths beneath her richly appointed manor.
I liked this sentence; I found it evocative.
*black cockatrice stuff*
This is good stuff, too. I like twists on existing monsters, and this is an interesting one.
ADVENTURE REGION
Republic of Darokin
The plot of this module is an expansion of the "Works of Art" Adventure Synopsis on p56 of "Gazetteer 11: The Republic Of Darokin" accessory for the Mystara campaign world. As a result, the proposal (and my draft module) are nominally set in this region but would be easily converted to a generic adventure.Of course, as a true fan of Mystara I must admit that I would love to see my adventure presented as an "Other Worlds" adventure for Mystara, with an "Adapting the Module" sidebar handling the generic and/or Greyhawk, Forgotten Realms and Eberron options.
When writing a query, word count is precious. Ashavan gave you a ton of cool ways to cut word count. I'll simply suggest that this block of text could have very easily been dropped into the body of your e-mail rather than in the actual proposal. Doing so would save you space and words - two things I always find to be in short supply of. :)
Matrissa, Female human wizard (enchanter) 5/mindbender 7
I love the possibilities of the Mindbender prestige class; I think it offers DMs a lot of cool options to use against the PCs. There's two things to keep in mind here, though.
1) It's difficult, but not impossible, for a 5th level wizard to qualify for the class due to the skill requirements all being cross-class. Just something to keep in mind.
2) Because the mindbender is not a core class, you'll need to present the pertinent information in your stat block for Matrissa. This eats up your word count quicker than you would think - especially since you also have a new monster (more on that in a bit) to eat up even more word count.
She sounds cool. Really cool. You have a super-cool prestige class working here, and you have a "terrible secret" for the NPC as well. I'll second what Ashavan said (I think he said it, anyway), and suggest you take Matrissa and submit her as a critical threat. I think she'd fit very nicely into that section.
Tromp, Mujina fighter 2. **snippity snip snip**
Kata, Female human weretiger wizard (enchanter) 3.
So one major foe the PCs face is CR 12. Another is CR 2. Yet another is CR 8. That's quite a range; I sort of get the impression this is intended for mid-level characters (10-12 or so). If so, Kata is indeed a major foe, and certainly Matrissa is. But Tromp won't even make PCs of that level blink. In fact, 10th level PCs wouldn't earn XP for defeating Tromp. You could probably exclude him from being mentioned specifically, as he's not really a major foe.
edit: Ah - just caught it. Tromp is a Mujina. So his CR is 8 - much more in line with what I suspect the level of the adventure is. But that presents new problems. In your summary of the mujina, you say they have a deep hatred for creatures who express individuality. So why doesn't Tromp hate Matrissa and kill her? Why does he stick around?
NEW MONSTER
Mujina (CR6)
New monsters are cool - they present a challenge most players will know nothing about. However, you spent a fair bit of your word count in your proposal describing this funky critter. You'll do better, I think, to keep a lot of the details about the creature away; instead, focus on how the creature is involved in your adventure. Where does the Mujina come into play in this adventure? I certainly don't know from reading the proposal, and neither did the editors.
Also, as with the Mindbender class, remember that you need to eat up part of your word count to present a full stat block and description of this monster. That's OK - as long as you plan for it up front.
Summary of Rewards **snip snip snip**
The PC’s should also receive a great deal of publicity for the rescue of any prisoners, the identification of the dead, and the return of any undamaged victims of paralysis.
You did, in my opinion, a really good job of summarizing the rewards. It was straightforward and to the point. In particular, I liked the last paragraph because it presents rewards the players can retrieve outside of the ordinary cash, art, magic, and so forth. "Great prestige" is a worthy reward.
SUMMARY OF ENCOUNTERS
The PC’s may encounter the following foes and obstacles:* Party of NPCs also hoping to obtain Matrissa's art
* Matrissa, Tromp and/or Kata (see above)
* Vicious Guard Dogs
* Assassin Vine and/or Violet Fungi (from Matrissa's "garden")
* Ghosts of construction workers killed by Matrissa upon completion of her Manor
* Shockingly Black Cockatrice
* Other dangerous creatures from Matrissa's "menagerie"
* Minor minions: Animated objects, minor constructs
* Magical and non-magical traps
There's some awesomely cool things in this list that we didn't hear about up until this point - the ghosts, the traps, the stuff in the garden, and so forth. In addition, the menagerie is barely mentioned. All of these things need more detai and explanation as to how they tie in to the events of the adventure. In short, this is probably where you should focus the bulk of your word count, rather than all the backstory. One of the things that you'll find in the "Tips to contributors" thread is one of the editors (I think James Sutter) pointing out, "Show, don't tell." You're telling us you have cool traps and flavorful ghosts; but you're not showing us. Provide details, especially since the details in this case present the "flow" of the adventure.
Hopefully, all that makes sense. :)
--John
Hello, I would like to submit an adventure query for your consideration. “Law and Disorder” is a D&D adventure for four characters of 8th level. Caliphas, the medium-sized city in which the adventure is set, can be easily adapted to any campaign world; all that is needed is a city of a similar size with a powerful thieves’ guild.
On the surface, Caliphas appears to be a peaceful city of merchants, but in reality, it is in the corrupt grip of the House Guildar, often referred to simply as “The Family,” a powerful, mafia-like organization rumored to have ties to the lower planes. Their control is pervasive, extending from the lowly street gangs to the gilded halls of city government. Until recently, none dared to oppose the House Guildar, but luckily for the good people of the city, a secret organization known as the Circle of Eight rose to confront the menace.
Recently, the Circle’s spies discovered the existence of a document referred to as the Codex. Maintained by a mysterious being known only as the Keeper, it is supposedly an encrypted scroll detailing much of the Family’s criminal operations. This information was uncovered when seers employed by the Family detected an extraplanar being’s interest in the Keeper, which sent shockwaves through the guild’s leadership. They decided to separate the Codex from the Keeper; the Codex would be taken to a secured vault under the city, while the Keeper would be sent into hiding. Because the Family judged the Codex to be more important, they diverted the majority of their resources to protecting it.
This was the opening the Circle was looking for, and they began to prepare for an assault to seize the Codex. However, their resources were spread thin, so they had to turn to outsiders to capture and guard the Keeper. The PCs are approached by Tiberius, a paladin of Hieroneous and member of the Circle, who enlists their aid in capturing the Keeper.
The Keeper is actually a rogue modron, more specifically a quadrone that escaped from Mechanus and fell in with the House Guildar. As always, the modron hierarchy continued to search the planes, hoping to find the rogue. Finally, a nonaton discovered the Keeper’s location, and it had a decaton dispatch a squad of pentadrones to the Material Plane. They were met by a mechanatrix named Othos, who acts as a modron agent on the Material plane. Their orders were simple: capture or destroy the rogue.
The first task of the PCs will be to capture the Keeper. The action takes place on the rickety stairs and gangways that crisscross the levee above the river docks, and is inspired by a similar scene in The Untouchables. Among their opponents are four elite House Guildar thugs (fighter 2/rogue 2), a vicious streetfighter named Black Knife (fighter 3/rogue 3/streetfighter 2), and a sorcerer named Eliza (sorcerer 9) who wields a wand of magic missile in each hand.
Once the PCs have secured the Keeper, they must take it to the Circle’s safe house. Because the PCs must wait for several days, they will be forced to baby sit the rogue modron, which acts like a cross between an idiot savant and an extremely anal Microsoft program.
Eventually, the modrons will assault the safe house, attacking in an organized fashion under the leadership of Othos, who aids the fight with magic, martial arts, and summoned axiomatic creatures. They are embodiments of the cold logic and objectivism of the lawful neutral alignment. Othos, who embraces his outsider “blood” (cleric of Primus 5/monk 3) is a fearsome opponent because of the mechanical graft that has replaced his arm. The robotic-like arm gives Othos an iron grip, allowing him to easily grapple and crush his opponents. This is not Othos’s only mechanical feature, as the mechanatrix bleeds a viscous, oily fluid when injured.
If the PCs survive the battle, they will find themselves with two powerful enemies and one powerful ally. The adventure could easily lead into a campaign against the House Guildar or into more interaction with the modrons. Perhaps the PCs experience will pique their interest in visiting the Outer Planes.
The adventure will be approximately 8000 words long and will include three maps (one of Caliphas, one of the dockside stairs, and one of the safe house). This includes a trio of sidebars, one detailing what a Knowledge (the planes) check can reveal about the modrons; another updating some modron Truphysik items originally detailed in Dragon 241, as well as a new magic item created for the adventure; and the third describing Othos’s mechanical graft (based on the fiendish grafts from Fiend Folio).
This is one of my four rejected queries. And before anyone says it, I know now that the Circle of Eight is an important Greyhawk group, but I swear that it didn't occur to me until after I sent in my query. I also think I underestimated the word count that would be necessary; I should have made allowances for the conversion of the 3e MotP web supplement stats to 3.5e. Other issues:
1. Probably too many sidebars.
2. Since the query is only 787 words long, I should have expanded on some areas of the adventure, specifically on the rewards and modron magic items.
3. Assumes the PCs will take one course of action. Of course, the query was written from the perspective of the one hook, and the adventure is really two sets of combat encounters and two sets of role-playing encounters.
Huh.
I don't know, Shroomy.
That looks really good to me.
OK, here's what I notice at second glance.
1) Didn't stick to the recommended format for submissions. There's no section for reward summary. Party size, estimated length, etc. are all in the document, but they're tucked in amongst the paragraph structure. Maybe that's fine. I've always put mine next to bolded headers all by themselves so the editors could check that stuff at a glance, like:
Intended Party: 4 level 8 characters
Estimated Length: 8,000 words
Map Count: 3: Caliphas, the dockside stairs, the safe house
2) Why does the party fight the modron agents? Why not negotiate with them?
3) Gratuitous use of modrons? Now I really love modrons, personally, but I know reading over many articles I wonder why some monsters are used when a human would be more emotionally accessable to the players. Maybe someone on the ed staff who doesn't feel as warmly towards the little geometric lunks as you and I asked themselves the same thing in this case?
4) Highly impacts the campaign. You say the characters will have new enemies and allies. I think the dungeon eds are more fond of adventures where they DM can run them as one-offs with no further impact, or weave them into their campaign as they see fit. Saying that the adventure has to have ongoing impact defies that.
On the upside, I really liked the detail of babysitting the modron - that's one place where I'd be amused to hear what you had in mind that the party would need to do for it. The idea of roleplaying a modron that acts like "an anal Microsoft program" gave me a chuckle.
"You look like you're writing a letter. Would you like help with that?"
"Shut up, Keeper."
-- Pause --
"You used the passive voice. Maybe you could rephrase that section as..."
"SHUT UP, KEEPER!"
"Your subject and verb don't agree. You should change..."
"Will someone gag that thing?"
I also liked the setting description for the dockside fight on the rickety terrain.
Hello, I would like to submit an adventure query for your consideration. “Law and Disorder” is a D&D adventure for four characters of 8th level. Caliphas, the medium-sized city in which the adventure is set, can be easily adapted to any campaign world; all that is needed is a city of a similar size with a powerful thieves’ guild.
I’d rephrase the last sentence, and leave the first line for the text of the email with the adventure attached, but this is good… title, setting, level.
On the surface, Caliphas appears to be a peaceful city of merchants, but in reality, it is in the corrupt grip of the House Guildar, often referred to simply as “The Family,” a powerful, mafia-like organization rumored to have ties to the lower planes. Their control is pervasive, extending from the lowly street gangs to the gilded halls of city government. Until recently, none dared to oppose the House Guildar, but luckily for the good people of the city, a secret organization known as the Circle of Eight rose to confront the menace.
For reasons you’ve already listed, I would avoid the Circle of Eight as the name of a secret group. Also, a mafia-like organization called “the family” bugs me a little to, as I feel it’s overused. A little touching up could remove the passive voice here, which would help.
Recently, the Circle’s spies discovered the existence of a document referred to as the Codex. Maintained by a mysterious being known only as the Keeper, it is supposedly an encrypted scroll detailing much of the Family’s criminal operations. This information was uncovered when seers employed by the Family detected an extraplanar being’s interest in the Keeper, which sent shockwaves through the guild’s leadership. They decided to separate the Codex from the Keeper; the Codex would be taken to a secured vault under the city, while the Keeper would be sent into hiding. Because the Family judged the Codex to be more important, they diverted the majority of their resources to protecting it.
This is entirely backstory and could be summarized very briefly to give the editors just what they need. That would save precious word count for the adventure
This was the opening the Circle was looking for, and they began to prepare for an assault to seize the Codex. However, their resources were spread thin, so they had to turn to outsiders to capture and guard the Keeper. The PCs are approached by Tiberius, a paladin of Hieroneous and member of the Circle, who enlists their aid in capturing the Keeper.
Aha – here we have your hook… I’d shorten this even more: “With resources spread thin the Circle sends Tiberius, a paladin and member of the Circle, to enlist their aid in the Keeper’s capture.”
The Keeper is actually a rogue modron, more specifically a quadrone that escaped from Mechanus and fell in with the House Guildar. As always, the modron hierarchy continued to search the planes, hoping to find the rogue. Finally, a nonaton discovered the Keeper’s location, and it had a decaton dispatch a squad of pentadrones to the Material Plane. They were met by a mechanatrix named Othos, who acts as a modron agent on the Material plane. Their orders were simple: capture or destroy the rogue.
This is also backstory and much more than the editors need. A simple identification of the Keeper as a modron and note that the modron hierarchy is searching for the rogue would be sufficient
The first task of the PCs will be to capture the Keeper. The action takes place on the rickety stairs and gangways that crisscross the levee above the river docks, and is inspired by a similar scene in The Untouchables. Among their opponents are four elite House Guildar thugs (fighter 2/rogue 2), a vicious streetfighter named Black Knife (fighter 3/rogue 3/streetfighter 2), and a sorcerer named Eliza (sorcerer 9) who wields a wand of magic missile in each hand.
This tells us what the PCs are doing and gives us an idea of their opponents (and some of their potential rewards). I’d work on the passive voice here “The PCs encounter fierce opponents including” and similar restructuring would help.
Once the PCs have secured the Keeper, they must take it to the Circle’s safe house. Because the PCs must wait for several days, they will be forced to baby sit the rogue modron, which acts like a cross between an idiot savant and an extremely anal Microsoft program.
I’d avoid the Microsoft reference (however apt) and maybe include the sorts of trouble the modron will cause.
Eventually, the modrons will assault the safe house, attacking in an organized fashion under the leadership of Othos, who aids the fight with magic, martial arts, and summoned axiomatic creatures. They are embodiments of the cold logic and objectivism of the lawful neutral alignment. Othos, who embraces his outsider “blood” (cleric of Primus 5/monk 3) is a fearsome opponent because of the mechanical graft that has replaced his arm. The robotic-like arm gives Othos an iron grip, allowing him to easily grapple and crush his opponents. This is not Othos’s only mechanical feature, as the mechanatrix bleeds a viscous, oily fluid when injured.
Focus less here on Othos and more on the assault… how many modrons attack? Why? As creatures of law, do they try to negotiate first?
If the PCs survive the battle, they will find themselves with two powerful enemies and one powerful ally. The adventure could easily lead into a campaign against the House Guildar or into more interaction with the modrons. Perhaps the PCs experience will pique their interest in visiting the Outer Planes.
You’re skipping the conclusion of the adventure… someone from the Circle coming to claim the Keeper. This is an essential element and should be mentioned.
The adventure will be approximately 8000 words long and will include three maps (one of Caliphas, one of the dockside stairs, and one of the safe house). This includes a trio of sidebars, one detailing what a Knowledge (the planes) check can reveal about the modrons; another updating some modron Truphysik items originally detailed in Dragon 241, as well as a new magic item created for the adventure; and the third describing Othos’s mechanical graft (based on the fiendish grafts from Fiend Folio).
I think you’re underestimating the space you need for the non-core elements, but also the adventure really doesn’t sketch out the full threat from “the Family” or emphasize the role-playing in the modron encounter… Modrons by nature are lawful neutral, and smart characters could assert some lawful claim on the Keeper to elude them. Specific challenges for different classes (other than combat) are also somewhat absent here.
On the whole, I think your query is good, but needs a little expansion and work on avoiding passive voice (again we all do this and I’ll probably be eating my words when I post my own query). That said, it's also quite possible this one got rejected because someone on the staff hates modrons.-Ashavan
Okay, I'm ready for it... really I am. Here's my query for Into the Icy Depths:
In a certain land, on a certain day came certain disaster. The mayor had wished, out loud, for a cool breeze. Many in town wondered at the result - had their mayor unknowingly been blessed (or cursed) with great power? Wonder soon changed to terror as the rare blistering heat became suddenly something else. A cool breeze was the least of the town’s worry, for the breeze was not cool, but cold - frigid, icy. Soon the hail started, and then snow, and by mid-afternoon the town stood buried under it. The snow melted the next day, but what came with it, that did not depart.
The populace of this small town held great pride in their treasure, a beautiful lake, pristine blue, fed by the river from the mountains. The town needed both the river and the lake, relied on them. Pretty ice does not substitute for a thriving economy, and the town fears the isolation lack of the river brings. The children say that if you walk the ice of the lake you’ll find a stair carved into the surface, descending into the depths, and going far enough down, you’ll find a door...
The multiverse harbors a great secret - one known to few sages in any realm. There is no one single Baba Yaga. Known and hated by all save for a few innocent maidens, Baba Yaga haunts the nightmares of villagers in a thousand worlds. The Baba Yaga form a sisterhood - witches, hags, women of great power and knowledge - women who know that power comes from perception. Perhaps, in antiquity, a single crone started the sisterhood, but now where once there was one, a small cabal of the creatures act in secrecy with the name of their sister. How many have seen a Baba Yaga, or know how she might appear? How many have seen the fabled hut of legend, and lived to speak of it? The Baba Yaga that visits this town is an evil creature, a marzanna - a hag of snow and death. And this Baba Yaga hungers for human flesh.
The townsfolk don’t know what has invaded their peaceful lives, and they don’t really care. The populace, most particularly the mayor, hope that the PCs will take care of this minor problem for them. A few townsfolk, most notably Irina the weaver (NG female human commoner 4) will have more personal pleas for the PCs, as their children disappeared the night after the ice covered the lake. More knowledgeable characters may piece together the clues that hint at the presence of a Baba Yaga - certainly Bardic Knowledge and Knowledge (arcana) will be useful skills here.
The PCs, suitably motivated, will likely investigate the lake. A thorough check of the surrounding area will provide for some encounters that may aid the players, including a lost youth who the Baba Yaga has released. Other encounters around the lake include an angry harpy who objects to Baba Yaga infringing on her territory, a cave where Baba Yaga disposes of her "leftovers" inhabited by a hungry carrion crawler, and a single winter wolf inadvertently brought in with the weather magic that helped create the Baba Yaga's lair. If the PCs took their time in information gathering in town they should become aware of the stair, either from the children directly, or from adults the children have spoken to. The children know about the stair because the Baba Yaga follow a strict code that prevents them from harming certain children - as such her minions have left the children alone. The PCs do not have this protection and any investigation of the immediate vicinity of the lake will prompt swift retaliation by the Baba Yaga’s minions (mostly ogres), directed by her familiar, Zhular - an unusually evil specimen of an ice mephit. With the exception of the Baba Yaga herself, most creatures encountered by the PCs will be between CR 2-5.
PCs descending the stair face an ominous walk. Dark and menacing shapes can be seen swimming beyond the semi-transparent ice. At the base of the stair the party will find a puzzle door based loosely on lore of the Baba Yaga. The puzzle acts primarily as a deterrent, a sign that entry will bring interlopers face to face with the legendary crone, rather than a serious challenge. A party that enters the underwater ice-fortress will face more of the Baba Yaga's minions, ogres and her familiar, and some ice beasts.
Still young for the order and accumulating power, this Baba Yaga has acted in haste, creating her fortress within the lake to engage in negotiations with three denizens of the outer planes. The evil hag discovered an ancient foretelling that she feels will allow her to gain some needed influence in those evil realms, increasing her station within the sisterhood. Prophecy tells of a time when Irina's daughter, Katrina, will become a saint, a hated enemy of evil outsiders. The Baba Yaga has captured the child, and now negotiates her fate with the three emissaries - a barghest named in the prophecy, a quasit (representing an unnamed demon, DMs should select who based on the needs of their campaign), and a fiendish sahuagin priestess representing the interests of Sekolah (the cold water has made her particularly irritable).
The adventure is suitable for a party of 4th level. A party that insists upon killing the final monster is liable to die. The Baba Yaga in this adventure is beyond the capability of the PCs to defeat in combat unless they get very lucky, or are very clever. Again, a bard, cleric, or PC who has chosen to invest in social skills - Diplomacy, Bluff, Intimidate, etc. will prove an asset in dealing with Baba Yaga. Can the PCs persuade the witch to release the child? Or will Irina lose her daughter to the terrors of the outer planes? Only brave adventurers can determine the outcome! Suitable for four player characters of 4th level, this adventure should run between 8000-9000 words.
Thanks for the feedback, and I agree with much of what you both wrote (anyone else, please feel free to add criticism). Just a couple of things:
1. A quick question about passive voice. I was taught that passive voice consisted of a form of a "to be" verb followed by a past participle. Ashavan, I went over the two paragraphs that you specifically mentioned, looking for instances of the passive voice, I could only find one instance of the passive voice (I believe it was "is inspired.") My question is, was the definition I was taught incorrect?
2. I did omit alternate means of overcoming the modron agents, but that was based on the source material I was using, the MotP web supplement: "The hierarchs pour every resource into hunting them [rogue modrons] down, bringing them to trial, and destroying them." I interpreted that passage to indicate there would be no peaceful means of resolving the conflict, but I think you guys are correct and that I should have put more thought into some sort of non-combat resolution.
And you can never have too many modrons. I will not rest until a modron makes a non-cameo appearance in a Dungeon adventure. :)
Ashavan, I unfortunately, do not have much time, but I read your query and liked it a lot. Since I do not have time to go into great detail, I'll have to mention two things I immediately noticed. The first is that the query presupposes a familiarity with the legend of Baba Yaga. The query alludes to what the Baba Yaga is and what its aims are, but as a casual reader, I wouldn't have a firm grasp on it. Second, why can't the PCs overcome the marzanna through combat? I looked in Frostburn and the marzanna is a CR 6 creature, which should be defeatable for a party of 4th level characters. Is the marzanna advanced? Does she has class levels? Lots of potent magic items or immediate bodyguards? I think I'm missing something here.
Thanks for the feedback, and I agree with much of what you both wrote (anyone else, please feel free to add criticism). Just a couple of things:
1. A quick question about passive voice. I was taught that passive voice consisted of a form of a "to be" verb followed by a past participle. Ashavan, I went over the two paragraphs that you specifically mentioned, looking for instances of the passive voice, I could only find one instance of the passive voice (I believe it was "is inspired.") My question is, was the definition I was taught incorrect?
2. I did omit alternate means of overcoming the modron agents, but that was based on the source material I was using, the MotP web supplement: "The hierarchs pour every resource into hunting them [rogue modrons] down, bringing them to trial, and destroying them." I interpreted that passage to indicate there would be no peaceful means of resolving the conflict, but I think you guys are correct and that I should have put more thought into some sort of non-combat resolution.
And you can never have too many modrons. I will not rest until a modron makes a non-cameo appearance in a Dungeon adventure. :)
Shroomy -
While "to be" verbs are the primary marker of passive voice, what really makes a sentence passive is the lack of action.
Joe is inspired
vs
The statue inspired Joe
The first tells us that Joe is in a state of inspiration, the second tells us that something inspired Joe, and furthermore implies that Joe was inspired TO DO SOMETHING. Hence action.
That's not to say all passive voice is bad... in my own query I use passive voice several times, usually to emphasize a point "There is no one single Baba Yaga" for instance.
Editors dislike passive voice specifically because it lacks action, and therefore movement of the story (and therefore the adventure) forward.
Don't get caught up in the grammar of it, unless you're an editor or an English (or language) major it will drive you nuts. As for whether your definition is correct - it depends on which grammar book you're reading and who your teacher was. My linguistics teachers would have argued that it doesn't matter what the grammar books say but how the language is used. Not all grammar books are that specific (though some are... I collect grammar books, and some of mine DO contain the definition you use, while others are less specific). Focus on whether the subject acts or is acted upon.
- Ashavan
Ashavan, I unfortunately, do not have much time, but I read your query and liked it a lot. Since I do not have time to go into great detail, I'll have to mention two things I immediately noticed. The first is that the query presupposes a familiarity with the legend of Baba Yaga. The query alludes to what the Baba Yaga is and what its aims are, but as a casual reader, I wouldn't have a firm grasp on it. Second, why can't the PCs overcome the marzanna through combat? I looked in Frostburn and the marzanna is a CR 6 creature, which should be defeatable for a party of 4th level characters. Is the marzanna advanced? Does she has class levels? Lots of potent magic items or immediate bodyguards? I think I'm missing something here.
You're right, it does presuppose a familiarity with Baba Yaga. I forget sometimes that she is less of an iconic figure in the game than she once was.
Baba Yaga, in her form as a marzana, would have been an advanced hag, not the base version found in the book. I should have stated it more clearly, but the query gives you what's necessary to determine that she's an arcane spellcaster of medium level (improved familiar - ice mephit requires a 7th level caster).
- Ashavan
Matrissa- There is some great stuff in there...but it seemed too big for what it was. The new monster, the twist on the cockatrice and the non core wizard plus it not being in a 'generic' setting just seemed too big for me. You gotta have the cockatrice for sure to get the twist on the statue thing, and the wizard could have been just a normal wiz (mind you, im not sure the plus for being a mindbender (dont own that book i guess), so maybe that was important). And, though the mujina is a cool thing to have, maybe a gray render would have worked instead...but that would have been hard to pull off as a butler/valet.
I will mention the list of encounters that somebody else has commented on. That is a great list of stuff and like they said, it was the first time the ghost of the dead builders were mentioned (among other cool things). It seemed like this was from an outline that you worked from. I think that it could be a full length module way bigger than the 15000 word limit here in Dungeon. Though Im not sure how much of the 'goodies' are OGL.
Oh yeah, I second the tip mentioned of making yer case for putting it the non core world in the body of the email. I try to add something in that blank space after I attach the .docs..sometimes it's a short bit about the inspiration for the proposal, sometimes it's a 'bump' for whatever other stuff they should have on their desks...it's kind of a way to bend the 1000 word limit. Now, don't go crazy...just like a sentence or two.
Shroomy- I am one of those who does not like the modron. BUT, I loved the microsoft 'zinger'...and babysitting something like that is a hook that hasn't been exploited in quite a while. Nice one. Like what was said before, running the Tools section that searches for passive voice in Word is a lifesaver. Even though the program picks up big instances and underlines it with the squiggly green line, run that other Tool and then weed out those sentences. I think the amount of sidebars is just right.
I didn't think about the negotiation aspect of the final encounter either...till after the other mentioned it. But they make a good point for the LN buggers. That's probably how it would go down.
Koldoon- I do remember the 'Baba Yaga Hut' module from Dragon Mag waaaaaaaay long time ago, but I haven't read it in eleventy-teen years so I am not sure I could have figured out the puzzle door reference either. The only thing I can say about the mod is I bet they don't like it when the PCs don't get to kill the BBEG at the end. They should have an escape route, but 95% of the time the 'black hat' has to go down for the count.
I love this stuff at the end..."Can the PCs persuade the witch to release the child? Or will Irina lose her daughter to the terrors of the outer planes? Only brave adventurers can determine the outcome! "...just a great feel to the proposal, like a commercial on TV or whatever. And putting the word count and levels at the last is great, I am going to look into lifting that idea...maybe. It's a good story, but I gotta be able to smackdown the hag.
Ashavan - I'm sort of with that intoxicated guy that wanders around. :) I think your proposal has two big problems:
1) Presuming there's knowledge of the Baba Yaga dealio. Now certainly, when you write up the adventure, you can include a whole bunch o' back story. But if the players require extensive knowledge to solve the puzzle, that's could be a big problem.
2) I also think your final scene was a problem. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with the PCs trying to negotiate to gain the release of the child; however, it shouldn't be the only course of action. I have one group that likely go in with their proverbial guns blazing in order to save the child. Also - why would the hag negotiate rather than stump those pesky adventurers into dust, especially since she's so much more powerful than they are?
That said, your proposal has some really interesting elements. You found a cool way to bring stuff from Frostburn into a "normal" environment. That's cool. You have a puzzle to solve as one of the challenges. That's cool. Your opening paragraph was awesome - it grabbed my attention nicely. So I think that was a winner.
All in all, I think your query was very good, at least in my opinion.
Shroomy - I'll get into yours next. Give me a little while, though - I have to go make pancakes for my kids, then shovel the @#$%&! snow that fell last night.
-- John
Intended Party: 4 level 8 characters
Estimated Length: 8,000 words
Map Count: 3: Caliphas, the dockside stairs, the safe house
I like this, for the word count and potential space it saves. I may have to begin incorporating it into future queries. :)
Alright, Shroomy. I still didn't shovel the damn snow, but the kids are still eating; so I'll tackle this now - it gives me an excuse to delay shovelling. Have I ever mentioned I hate snow? ;)
Hello, I would like to submit an adventure query for your consideration. “Law and Disorder” is a D&D adventure for four characters of 8th level. Caliphas, the medium-sized city in which the adventure is set, can be easily adapted to any campaign world; all that is needed is a city of a similar size with a powerful thieves’ guild.
You could drop this into the body of your e-mail rather than your query and save yourself some words and space.
On the surface, Caliphas appears to be a peaceful city of merchants, but in reality, it is in the corrupt grip of the House Guildar, often referred to simply as “The Family,” a powerful, mafia-like organization rumored to have ties to the lower planes. Their control is pervasive, extending from the lowly street gangs to the gilded halls of city government. Until recently, none dared to oppose the House Guildar, but luckily for the good people of the city, a secret organization known as the Circle of Eight rose to confront the menace.
This is a good opening paragraph, at least in my opinion, because it compelled me to read on. That's key - grab interest early.
That said, you of course have already learned the folly of using the name "circle of eight" as the good guys. In addition, "The Family" sounds like a really cliche name for a mafia-like organization. Cliches can work, of course; but a more evocative name might be better.
Your next couple of paragraphs set up things well without giving too much background. We learn about the plans of the CoE, the existance of the Codex, and the importance of The Keeper. Good stuff.
The action takes place on the rickety stairs and gangways that crisscross the levee above the river docks, and is inspired by a similar scene in The Untouchables.
You score major awesometastic points with me for being inspired by a super-awesome movie. :D I like the setting - it's different and should be something players remember. That's a good thing.
Among their opponents are four elite House Guildar thugs (fighter 2/rogue 2), a vicious streetfighter named Black Knife (fighter 3/rogue 3/streetfighter 2), and a sorcerer named Eliza (sorcerer 9) who wields a wand of magic missile in each hand.
So you have CRs ranging from 4 through 9 here. That's not horrible for an 8th level party. You have some other fun stuff going for you here. The duel wand-wielding sorcerer has a chance to be a fun NPC; I assume the plan was to give her the Duel Wand feat (whatever it's called) from Complete Arcane? I'm not familiar with the Streetfighter prestige class off the top of my head.
The sorcerer has a chance to kick the PC's collective asses. Espeically if the PCs encounter her with the thugs. Just something to keep in mind.
...which acts like a cross between an idiot savant and an extremely anal Microsoft program.
Alright, I'll admit it. Every time I've read this, I chuckle. Out loud. Nice imagery.
The whole babysitting thing has a nice chance to be a good roleplay encounter. Perhaps you should play it up a little bit, going so far as to mention the XP the players would earn for not choking the modron before they're done babysitting. :)
Eventually, the modrons will assault the safe house, attacking in an organized fashion under the leadership of Othos, who aids the fight with magic, martial arts, and summoned axiomatic creatures. They are embodiments of the cold logic and objectivism of the lawful neutral alignment. Othos, who embraces his outsider “blood” (cleric of Primus 5/monk 3) is a fearsome opponent because of the mechanical graft that has replaced his arm. The robotic-like arm gives Othos an iron grip, allowing him to easily grapple and crush his opponents. This is not Othos’s only mechanical feature, as the mechanatrix bleeds a viscous, oily fluid when injured.
There's good stuff here. Having a bad guy who uses grapple is good; having a leader who organizes his troops and aids them in their battle is good. Having grafts is interesting, though maybe now you're getting a bit away from good.
Others have mentioned the potential of negotiating with the modrons; I think that's wonderful - and also doesn't necessarily need to be covered here in the query, as long as you took it into consideration while writing the whole thing.
Others have also mentioned this, but I think it's worth repeating. You're missing the final act of the adventure. At some point, somebody from the CoE has to come and collect the rogue modron. Will this just be a happy little epilogue, or will there be some action involved? How does the CoE react if the modrons managed to take The Keeper away? What rewards will the players earn for successfully guarding The Keeper?
1. Probably too many sidebars.
No, I don't really think so. Though I do think you're correct that you might have underestimated the word count needed for these sidebars.
2. Since the query is only 787 words long, I should have expanded on some areas of the adventure, specifically on the rewards and modron magic items.
Yep, I agree. Listing out specific rewards would have helped the adventure. As I've said, I like rewards other than, "600 gajillion gold, 47 billion jillion magic items, and enough diamonds to make Zsa Zsa Gabor's ghost hunt the party for eternity." :D Give me non-standard rewards, too - membership in the Circle of Eight; the enmity of The Family; friendship of the modrons if certain events go a certain way. Those sorts of things are, in my opinion, the points to highlight in the rewards section.
3. Assumes the PCs will take one course of action. Of course, the query was written from the perspective of the one hook, and the adventure is really two sets of combat encounters and two sets of role-playing encounters.
I don't know that assuming one course of action is bad - as long as you leave wiggle room for a different course of action. I do think you could have mentioned more about the RP encounters, perhaps even highlighting them because they're somewhat different.
It was fun and interesting and entertaining. It's quite possible you got shot down simply for the heavy use of modrons, as others have said. I think the lack of conclusion probably didn't help, though.
***
In other news, I'm amazed what this thread has turned into - it's awesome! I started it with the selfish intent of getting feedback on my query, and it's turned into this super-cool place where we can all help one another improve. That rocks mightily!
Ashavan, I know the editors say "1,000" words (your's clocks in at 1,006), but what I think what they really mean is be succinct. Your opening is very nice but if I had to read a hundred "very nice" things at a meeting to get to the meat of the adventure I think I would loose interest very quickly.
As much as I like Baba Yaga, the folklore lesson does nothing I'm sure for folks like the Dungeon crew who probably already have familiarity the myth. Also the game pretty much makes all hags Baba Yagas so there's really no need to do a name substitution.
In general I think that a proposal should be a proposal first and a story second. All the story elements should be there, but they should be dressed down to their barest qualities, mentioned once or twice, but never overly embellished. The embellishment occurs when the adventure is written and later built upon when it is played. I think that our (Ashavan, Steve Greer, Farewell2kings, Dryder, and myself) joint proposal is a very good example of what I mean; three proposals, and one backdrop, with a new cast of villains in each all in about 1,300 words and it's all there. Go us!
GGG
Thanks for the feedback, and I agree with much of what you both wrote (anyone else, please feel free to add criticism).
Hey Shroomy -
I have a couple of things to say about the proposal. Ashavan, John, the sloshed wanderer took care of most of what I'd say. . . here are a few extra details:
1. You have a great backstory, and have set up a realistic conflict between a corrupt organization and a bunch o' good guys. However, you don't use them. Except for the initial encoutner, the evil organization fades into duex es machina with the Circle of 8. Considering how much space this is going to take up to set up, they need to stay in the picture, or somehow be cut all together. Same goes for the Codex. The PCs learn about it, and then don't get a chance to go heroically after it.
2. There's little adventure to the adventure. According to what's written, the PCs listen to the set-up and get a sense of the complexity of the situation. Then, once dice start rolling, they have a single ambush/encoutner, and then sit at a safe house until they are hit by an ambush in turn, by a completely seperate group. That's it. We need more encounters, and much more for the PCs to do. If they're events caused by the Modron's anctics, then so be it. . . they just need to act.
3. There's no foreshadowing or chance for them to prepare a defense against the modrons. Their presence is a wild card. Anyway, as it plays out, the PCs are pretty passive throughout the entire adventure. See "Tammeraut's Fate" for the perfect set-up and execution for this kind of situation.
4. Stay with the PCs during the adventure, and provide all the proposal's DM details ONLY at the moments where the PCs would learn/encounter them. This might also give you a better sense of how the adventure will actually play out. If you find yourself requiring 3 paragraphs of backstory/info, before returning to what the PCs do next, they you probably need to rework it.
That's it. As far as sugesstions and examples, I don't have many that don't include a reworking of the plot, mostly to make the PCs more active. Give the PCs more to do, and don't resolve anything you set up "off camera."
Thanks for posting. I hope that is helpful.
- Chris
P.S. Definitely keep the "Untouchables" encoutner. Very cool. I keep thinking of a baby carriage, rolling down a set of stairs. . . "You got 'em?" "Yeah, I got 'em."
Unrelated P.P.S. I have some thngs to say about Ashavan's posting too, but I need to take a break and do some other stuff for awhile. Happy writing!
Ashavan, I know the editors say "1,000" words (your's clocks in at 1,006), but what I think what they really mean is be succinct. Your opening is very nice but if I had to read a hundred "very nice" things at a meeting to get to the meat of the adventure I think I would loose interest very quickly.
As much as I like Baba Yaga, the folklore lesson does nothing I'm sure for folks like the Dungeon crew who probably already have familiarity the myth. Also the game pretty much makes all hags Baba Yagas so there's really no need to do a name substitution.
In general I think that a proposal should be a proposal first and a story second. All the story elements should be there, but they should be dressed down to their barest qualities, mentioned once or twice, but never overly embellished. The embellishment occurs when the adventure is written and later built upon when it is played. I think that our (Ashavan, Steve Greer, Farewell2kings, Dryder, and myself) joint proposal is a very good example of what I mean; three proposals, and one backdrop, with a new cast of villains in each all in about 1,300 words and it's all there. Go us!
GGG
It actually dates from before James changed the 2 page double spaced to a 1000 word requirement. The two actually have similar results (but if the requirement had been there, you know I would've cut it down)
I do normally try to avoid frontloading backstory... I was trying with this query to have a "folkloric" feel, in part because I think it's necessary for the adventure and hard to pull off.
As for the Baba Yaga bits... the intention was not for EVERY hag to be a Baba Yaga, nor for all Baba Yaga to be hags. While I'm sure the editors are familiar with the D&D lore around Baba Yaga, my own comes from Russian folklore directly - particularly the older stories, in which every Baba Yaga the folkloric hero met seemed to have an older and wiser sister, also named Baba Yaga. I'm NOT sure the editors are familiar with that folklore, so I was more verbose than I probably needed to be... and also apparently not quite as clear as I needed to be.
The query probably rambled more than it should, and focused too much on back story. Also I probably needed more details about the interior of the dungeon and about how the characters can resolve the conflicts, especially for hack and slash happy parties. I still really like the setting though, and I may have to come up with another adventure that uses it.
- Ashavan
Ok, here's one that 'might have been' for me. Yep, Shroomy, it's another 'mafia' type story.
“The Burdon-Char Winter Bazaar” is @ 9,500 word script for a group of four 3rd level PCs. There will be 3 maps with 6-10 numbered encounters per map. My story, “Blind Man’s Bluff”, was printed in Dungeon #97 in 2003.
This adventure addresses many of the tips and complaints of the various threads on the Paizo forums. It is low-level and easily adaptable for neutral or evil parties. It is also not a dungeon crawl. The bazaar itself is a Hitchcock ‘MacGuffin’ for the PCs. Sure, there are various feats of strength and dexterity offered, but before the bazaar arrives in the small northern city they are thrown into a plot to possibly derail the festivities. The notices for the semi-regular visit from the traveling carnival were posted a week ago, after the first snow of the season, and the PCs have been preparing for the upcoming event. The preparations are interrupted as they are contacted by the local thieves guild to meet with a representative for a job that they should not refuse.
The thieves have discovered that the ultimate test of the bazaar is a mirror of opposition. The PCs are needed to ‘transfer ownership’ of the mirror to the guild so they can move it to a ‘friend of theirs’ in the western mountains. They do not care if some guards get hurt, but they do not want any of the talent to be harmed. These thieves are actually a split faction of the guild looking to try to move quickly through the underworld and the true thieves guild have hired a second team to harass the PCs as they travel overland.
Many hooks are given, ranging from simple blackmail (one thief is a brother of the sheriff) to a NPC hostage to be traded for the completion of the task. There are many opportunities for non-good parties to join the guild or a simple payment option from the true thieves guild. The bazaar takes place on the grounds of a deserted manor house in the nearby hills. Creative use of a wand of wall of ice creates the barricades to corral the beasties for the townsfolk to fight as well as protects the mirror behind a thick sheet. There might be a chance for a bluff from the PCs, if they replace the mirror with a copy and then escape the compound. More than likely though, the PCs should sneak in past guards of both animal and unnatural origin through a snowfall. Then, they slip into the barn where a trap is sprung, tricking them into seeing their reflections. Once they have the mirror, they must meet the thieves at the rendezvous point, where chaos erupts as the true guild appears and forces the PCs to flee. The PCs have the contact person and city where the mirror is to be delivered and the guild sends a cutthroat crew to retrieve the mirror for the carnival. Several encounters occur in the snowy woods with the bandits and the various denizens of the forest. It is revealed that the true guild is interested in keeping the Winter Bazaar fully operational for its own gain.
Monsters include: Humanoid thieves of various levels including a troll rogue with animated skeletons for support, an arrowhawk, and a swarm of fire beetles in the forest. The ringleader of the rogues is a half-orc cleric rogue with a trio of ghoulish thralls.
Rewards include: The PCs should not be able to keep the mirror, but they are rewarded with a couple of suits of silent moves or shadow studded leather +1. There will be a few +1 or +2 weapons and armor, as well as some scrolls and potions and other minor miscellaneous magic items scattered along the way.
I know, I know, the passive voice. I just recently learned how to hunt that out and kill it in Word.
In my mind, the patron wanted to use the island as a vacation/retreat location for him and his family...
Whoa, dude. That information should've been in the original proposal!
Major oversight, IMO.Tony M
As for the Baba Yaga bits... the intention was not for EVERY hag to be a Baba Yaga, nor for all Baba Yaga to be hags. While I'm sure the editors are familiar with the D&D lore around Baba Yaga, my own comes from Russian folklore directly - particularly the older stories, in which every Baba Yaga the folkloric hero met seemed to have an older and wiser sister, also named Baba Yaga. I'm NOT sure the editors are familiar with that folklore, so I was more verbose than I probably needed to be... and also apparently not quite as clear as I needed to be.
The query probably rambled more than it should, and focused too much on back story. Also I probably needed more details about the interior of the dungeon and about how the characters can resolve the conflicts, especially for hack and slash happy parties. I still really like the setting though, and I may have to come up with another adventure that uses it.
Matt, John, and the Mover of Alcohol summed up many of the points I would have made, and your own comments are very self-reflective. I would also like to add a few general things:
1. It’s cool that the adventure is based on the lore of Baba Yaga, but I would remove the actual name “Baba Yaga.” It’s pre-loaded, with a history in D&D. A great adventure like “The Styes” may have had the spirit of Miéville or Lovecraft, but didn’t add complexity to the adventure background by invoking “Cthulu,” or claiming an alternate mythology. If you approach it that way, you won’t have to tap-dance around past uses of Baba Yaga, and reconcile the discrepancies of your concept with the rest of the canon. This alone would save 100s of words in the proposal, and 1000s in the final manuscript (to be used for other things, of course).
2. Paragraph 5 is awesome. So are the last halves of paragraph 4 and 6. I had some other comments and examples comparing these bits to the rest of the query, but they are repetitive of what you already said yourself.
3. More proposals. You’re a darn fine writer, and I think that your only disadvantage is that you don’t give the editors more choices. Maybe they already have a bunch of child abduction angles, or they just accepted something with a frozen lake as the locale. Heck, there were talks of Baba Yaga on the message boards a while back . . . maybe they got a whole bunch of russian witch proposals this time around. You you just have to let them see more of what you can do, and assume that many will get rejected based on need.
Okay, those are my thoughts. It was a neat adventure. Good luck in your future writing!
- Chris
In my mind, the patron wanted to use the island as a vacation/retreat location for him and his family...Whoa, dude. That information should've been in the original proposal!
Major oversight, IMO.Tony M
Indeed. Live and learn. "The Exterminators" was my first query ever for an adventure; I'd like to think my next query was better, and that any queries from here out are even better.