Our local PFS lodge started up a Ladies' Night a while back, and it's been a big hit, with way more interest than we'd initially expected. Inspired by that, I'm taking the lead on an LGBT edition.
Eyyyy, nothing like doing my own sporadic lurking and seeing the home lodge come up. Awesome idea, let me know if I can help out.
Iammars wrote:
Now to repeat that feat at PAX East...
I realize I'm basically just some rando from the forums, but here's at least one Saturday attendee who has your back if you want!
Happy bi visibility day btw!
And remember, we’re not getting our usual +40/+20 to stealth today, so be extra careful out there all my fellow bisexual casters, rogues, and skill monkeys...
Under the cut because long post is long, holy crap.
Read more:
A lot of the questions you're asking are very complicated, and there's not really one clear answer, honestly (nor am I by any means the most equipped to answer them). But asking these kinds of questions is an important step, and a really good start.
The question of benefit and complicity is a thorny one. Some of the benefit is by omission--of simply not having to spend time and energy dealing with the kind of trauma, stress, frustration, loss, and fear that too often come with being LGBT. Other times you probably receive more active preferential treatment, whether deliberate or not, by peers, coworkers, doctors, the government, and so on. And you didn’t ask to be given those benefits. You can’t just not receive them any more in many cases. But at the same time, if through inaction you are not using your relative position of power to help those less privileged receive the same measure of security and respect--merely allowing the current structure to carry on unopposed--then yes, you are complicit.
How not to be complicit then?
Don't make assumptions about people--either that because someone is gay, trans, etc., they must be a certain way, or that because someone looks or acts a certain way they must be a certain gender or orientation.
If you hear someone make a homophobic/transphobic/etc comment (and you can do so safely and appropriately), challenge them. It may help them think reexamine their own attitudes--and even if it doesn't, you never know if there's an LGBTQIA person in the room who feels better knowing you've got their back.
Listen to (like you are here) what those in the LGBTQIA community have to say about their experiences and act on their suggestions
Contribute time or money to activist movements if possible
Create and/or support diverse media (like Pathfinder!)
Question your attitudes and responses with regards to the LBGTQIA community (as you've already started doing)
Educate yourself! This is only a short list of things I'm thinking of off the top of my head, and I can only speak from my own limited experience. Just talking to people like this is a great start, but do some research of your own, too. It can be exhausting to be constantly explaining and defending and educating others about who you are, and most people don't have the cold hard data on hand to back their points up either.
While there's still a lot of work to be done, I believe that spreading awareness and working to improve the situation of LGBTQIA folks has already changed a lot. It's slow, and it's hard, and there’s a long way to go, but it does work. The fact that we’re even on this board having this conversation shows how much our culture has improved already over the past few decades, but I don’t think it’s a change that has happened--or will continue to happen--on its own.
As for the matter of biases, it doesn't make you much different at all. A lot of the LGBTQIA community has been forced to confront some of their assumptions, but no one is perfectly free of prejudice. Being part of one minority doesn't mean you can't still hold biases against another (or hold plenty of lousy internalized attitudes about yourself). Intersectionality is important! That being said, just because there's still plenty of intra-community progress to be made doesn't give everyone else a pass to shrug and carry on perpetuating the larger culture’s problems just because we're not perfect. Ideally we're all fighting this fight against these attitudes--no matter where they exist--together.
Finally, when people are complaining about "the Straights," I think they're usually complaining about a lot of complex, interrelated things at once--the whole systemic mess, as well as those who either are complicit in or actively promote it. It's not a personal attack. By taking it personally when it’s not meant that way, most people are just going to get indignant and upset and not listen to the actual point. And what they’re saying may not describe you, in which case, good for you! But when someone's first impulse is to announce that they're not like that, it's doing a couple of negative things.
First, it automatically shifts the blame onto *those other people* who *are* like that, rather than leading the listener to confront their own attitudes or the ways in which they might be contributing to an oppressive system.
Secondly, it’s tone policing, which sucks. It sends the message that the speaker isn’t entitled to their feelings or to express themselves unless it’s been deemed sufficiently palatable and inoffensive. That it’s only okay to push back against oppression if you bend over backwards to avoid the slightest chance of hurting a straight person’s feelings. That all the feelings of frustration and anger and fear and misery that often come with being LGBTQIA in this world must be bottled up and hidden away (which is super not good for mental health!), lest it make those in power uncomfortable.
Finally, again, it’s not about you. If you’re straight, almost everything remotely related to gender/attractive/love/sex is about you. It’s expected--considered normal and default--to the point that most people only only notice on the rare occasion it’s suddenly not about them anymore. And that might feel like something’s being taken away, but it’s not. Heterosexual representation and voices aren’t going anywhere just because some forums are finally opening up to the rest of us. And when someone from the LGBTQIA community is finally getting a chance--and having the courage--to speak up for themselves, it’s not the time to interrupt with, “but what about me?” It’s the time to listen.
It's not just about individual bigots (not that those aren't a problem, too), but about systemic oppression, as Crystal said.
Just because you're a straight person who doesn't have a problem with LGBTQIA folks doesn't mean you're not still benefiting in a lot of ways from living in a world that treats heterosexuality as the norm, where you don't have to fight for your personal rights, safety, and respect on account of your orientation.
Nor does it mean that you may not have internalized some of society's messages about LGBTQIA folks in subtle ways--not that I'm calling you a bigot, just that no one lives in a vacuum, and you may be holding certain assumptions without realizing it.
For me at least, it's not about blame (again, not that there aren't hatemongers out there who deserve it), it's about recognizing when that happens and doing what you can to counteract it.
Homophobia isn't just the headline stories about bigoted politicians and violent crimes--though those are serious problems. It's the daily fear of becoming the next headline. It's constantly having to censor yourself. It's having to gauge whether it's safe to refer to your partner by name. It's hearing passing comments that imply, intentionally or not, that you are gross and bad and wrong. It's wondering whether anyone will speak up and/or if you can safely defend yourself, even when you're with seemingly reasonable people, just because what if. It's the constant, unavoidable reminder that you are a strange, unwelcome other.
It can be subtle and insidious, and it's easy to miss if you're not the target.
I have such mixed feelings about this whole thing, come to think about it. I found the acting/dialogue pretty stiff too, and the whole setting seemed just...generically videogame-y, which is disappointing.
Also why was there only one non-human? Grrrr. (And what was she wearing? Seriously?)
On the other hand, I still can't help getting excited about more Mass Effect aaaaaaah.
Hmm...I'm lucky in that my local lodge is fairly diverse and accepting; every so often someone will say something eyeroll-inducing in passing, but out of ignorance rather than malicious intent, and they're willing to listen when I point it out.
I'm also lucky in that no one here has ever given me a hard time about playing an LGBTQ character (which is most of mine). I am guessing people assume a lot of them to be straight, though; I tend to default to cisgender bisexuals like myself, which comes with the whole passing vs. erasure thing. On the other hand, my tendency to (over)compensate by being (obnoxiously) loud about my identity likely carries over in some cases...
Also, surly lesbian knights! I will always swoon over strong srs ladies in sensible armor.
Thanks so so much to you and everyone for the kind responses. Just glad I had something to offer.
And thank you all for being here! Always meant to join in but never seemed to find the right time to introduce myself. Even just knowing there's a thread full of fellow LGBTQ Pathfinders out there helps sometimes though.
*scoops all who are willing into a giant internet hug*
Wrote a Pathfinder-related thing as part of dealing with the events in Florida and thought I'd share. I'm rather self-conscious about it but that hardly seems important--if it helps anyone even a little, I figure I should post it. So. (Under the cut for length.)
Prayers:
Erastil, Old Deadeye, watch over our community and protect us from harm. Drive out those speaking and acting against us, and stop them from killing our kin and tearing us apart any longer. Help us provide for each other in our time of need and to build each other up, stronger than ever, in the face of darkness and fear.
Sarenrae, let your light burn away the lies of those that even now seek to obscure the truth, to twist tragedy to their own ends. With sword and flame purge the cruelty and callousness from the hearts of those that could commit or permit such atrocities. Bless us and warm us and keep us in your light, far from violence and despair.
Arshea, grant us deliverance; do not let tragedy diminish our beauty even as they strive to mutilate those made in your image. Help us embrace your radiance in ourselves, joyous and undimmed, and renew our spirits even in the face of atrocity and pain.
Calistria, vengeful lady, tear your nails like daggers into all who have hurt us. Defend our right to praise you if we choose, how we choose, without being forced to cut ourselves off from you for the sake of a begrudging tolerance. Stand in testament to our anger, real and valid, buzzing like wasps and burning like the sun. Though we must not meet violence with violence, surely it is not too much to wish the stings and misfortunes of your ill favor upon those who have drenched themselves in our blood.
Desna guide us and help us seek out a world where one day we may be free from the shadows of hate. Take our hands as we walk our paths and help us hold on to dreams in the darkness. And please, please, for pity’s sake, grant us luck on the journey.
Cayden Cailean be there for all of us who could use a friend--a listening ear, a warm hearth, a shoulder for us to lean on. Help us keep our capacity for joy, and remind us to hold our friends close now more than ever. Pour out a drink for us that could use one, and shield us from dependence and addiction in the face of deep grief and cutting pain.
Iomedae, righteous Inheritor, sway and redeem those whose hate might yet be purged. Help them to find goodness and compassion in their hearts even after all they have done. Teach us how to show kindness and forgiveness--qualities all too rare--even in the depths of struggle and sorrow. Show us how to defend the good in this world without giving up and without giving in to hatefulness and horror ourselves. Lead us to fight with integrity, O Lady of Valor, and keep from casting pain and burdens on others’ shoulders in the process.
Torag watch over us and be our champion as we fight for our homes and families and all the forms they take. Help us to defend ourselves and each other tirelessly and honorably, for as long as it may take until there is justice and safety for all. Show us how to find the fire in our hearts and how to forge with it something strong--a home to be our refuge, armor to be our protection, a shield to guard not just our own kin but all who suffer injustice.
Pharasma, guide the souls of those who have been dying, in ones and twos and tens and thousands. Watch over them and allow to find peace and rest at last. Shield our souls from the ravages of evil, from the cruel and senseless violence sending so many of our kin before you. Goddess of prophecy, surely you must know that this was not their time?
Milani, grant us your defiant strength--the courage to stand up and fight for ourselves, for our lovers and friends, and to plant ourselves like a rose even in the ashes and push upward and onward. Give us the strength to fight back against oppressors, against those who would rip away our rights to freedom and love and life itself. Raise up your voice and help us find our own. Help us find hope even now when all is darkest, and show us how to spread it from heart to heart.
And Shelyn, goddess of beauty, artist and lover forever indomitable, help us follow you even through our pain. Help us not to hide our hearts away in sorrow. Help us follow your example by continuing to make art and love and beauty with all that we are, even in the face of unspeakable horror. Help us find love instead of hatred or emptiness, and to work at remaking the ugliness of this world. Show us how to love freely, truly, with abundance and abandon and pure unadulterated passion, no matter what. We are your children. Help us. Help us, as we struggle to follow you even now. Now more than ever, we need your presence. Please, Eternal Rose, Incorruptible. Help us.
