Yeah, he wasn't very hard to find. He went straight home, took a bunch of his wife's money, and bought a crappy pickup truck. I haven't heard what they've decided to do with him yet.
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Hey guys! Sorry for the absurdly long wait. Things...got out of hand on my end. My grandmother died, my great-uncle sneaked out of the mental home he was in, and my family in general has been freaking the f+&! out. My drive to play has been understandably dead for a while, and hasn't fully recovered yet. I'm really sorry for going quiet for so long. I really should have posted something to let you guys know, instead of a month of dead silence. I should be able to have a post up by the end of the day.
Feel free to take a break if you need to! I'd much rather keep you than have a replacement.
Sorry for lack of posts, I've been up to my neck in work for the last week. You could even say I've been... ... ...swamped. But seriously, I'm back now.
Gurp contorts his face into a forced smile. "Thank you, friend lizard! You help appreciated! Gurp have no desire to kill you!" After the lizards leave: Gurp's face goes slack. "Ugh. Gurp not like those guys."
He listens attentively to Mort and Twitchy's plans. "Gurp summons not last long, but Gurp can summon lots. If they see Gurp, we have very bad time. If they not see Gurp, Gurp can keep summoning for good while! But if Gurp summons lots, it mean less mojo for fire and healing."
Gurp, realizing he probably isn't helping much, keeps his mouth shut and just glares at shadow. He noticeably grits his teeth as the others talk about slugs.
Gurp growls and lowers his sling, but doesn't put it away. "Oh? What you know of Swamp? Please enlighten Gurp. Clearly Gurp dealing with Swamp mojo expert." He glares at Mort, then turns his glare to Ronk and back again. He finally sets it back on the lizard. "Listen to what Gurp about to say. Maybe you not enemy of Gurp. Maybe you be with litter-mate of Vorka. Maybe you super sneaky high class lizard warrior. Maybe you be Swamp speaker way better than Gurp. Gurp not know." "But Gurp do know some things!" Gurp grins at the lizard in a way that's far from friendly. "Gurp know which berries to eat, which berries that make you lose lunch. Gurp know best ways to care for slugs. Gurp know how to call for swamp fire and biting bugs and healy mojo. And Gurp know much more." Gurp's grin turns into an ugly frown. "Gurp know he need no circle. Gurp know that Swamp talk to him every morning, and sometimes when he trying to get work done. And best of all, GURP KNOWS HE NO FOOL. Gurp fine with you calling him vain. Gurp fine with you saying he rude. But Gurp not stand for being called fool! And if you be friend like they saying, you keep that in you head." Gurp spits in the mud to his left, and glares right into the lizards eyes, waiting for a response.
"Forget water, stupid cat! They in the reeds!" Gurp draws his sling and snarls in the direction of the lizards. "COME OUT AND FACE YOU DEATHS, LIZARDS! SWAMP WANTS TO HAVE WORDS WITH YOU!"
Welcome back, PlotBunny! For the owlbears, Devourlord, Multibear, and Hank.
Sorry to hear that, PlotBunny. Real life always comes before games on the internet.
Gurp jolts awake at Zeli's peck, shrieking loudly. "GAH! LIZARD ATTACK! YOU WANT PIECE OF G-?!" Gurp stops, looks around, sits up, and clears his throat awkwardly. "*cough*. Um. Ignore what Gurp just say." Gurp then folds his legs, closes his eyes, and begins meditating and communing with the swamp for his spells. A glimpse into Gurp's mind:
Gurp's mind goes blank, and he feels the energy of the swamp start to flow into his body. "Voices of swamp," he mentally calls out, "hear Gurp's cry! Give Gurp just tiny bit of you mojo, and Gurp will make good use of it! Gurp use it to kill lizards!" From the depths of his mindscape, Gurp hears a deep, gruff voice call out to him in an unusual dialect. OI, LIL GREEN F#*~ER, the swamp voice shouts from what sounds like far away. IF YA KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FER YA, YA'LL LEAVE ME F+~!ING LIZARDS ALONE. From the somewhere else in the mindscape, another voice, this one stern and feminine, calls out. Don't you talk to him that way, you old fool! He's the best we've got right now. Who cares if a few of your pets get killed, anyway? DON'T YA SASS ME, WOMAN! HOWS ABOUT I STOMP SOME O' YER PRECIOUS LIL SLUGS INTO TA GROUND?! Gurp panics for a bit and tries to stop the arguing, despite knowing that it won't work. "Please mighty swamp! Do not fight! Gurp still kill lizards, but not want to make big deal of it!" YER 'BOUT A THOUSAND YEARS TOO LATE FER THAT, YA LIL GREEN S%!*! ITS ALREADY A BIG DEAL! Quit being such a baby and man up, you whiny old loser! Here, Gurp. Have some spells. You've earned them lately! Gurp feels some swamp mojo flow into his form, and his meditating body noticeably grins. "Thank you, great voice of swamp! Gurp use it well!" Gurp's grin fades as he feels a wave of frustration come from the direction of the angry voice. LOOKIT WHAT YER DOING, YA FLIGHTY BROAD! YER GIVING HIM ALL THIS PANSY-ASS HEALING AND DEFENSE GARBAGE! YA KNOW WHAT?! F$*@ IT! I DON'T CARE 'BOUT THE LIZARDS ANYMORE. KILL 'EM ALL, SEE IF I CARE. BUT IF YER GONNA DO IT, DO IT RIGHT! Gurp feels burning mojo flow into him, as well as visions of fire and vermin. Thank you, o mighty-!" Gurp is interrupted by the feminine voice. Look at what you are doing! You just gave a goblin fire, you dumbass! What is wrong with you?! LISTEN HERE, YA KOOKY BROAD-! Gurp quietly thanks the voices, then leaves the to their argument. Gurp stands up and looks for any tracks they may have left behind.
"Big deal. They take stuff? We always get more stuff! This teach you all lesson about keeping things-" Gurp cuts himself off mid-sentance, his eyes going wide in horror as he looks around the ship. "They...they take decorations. They take Gurp's decorations. THEY TAKE GURP'S DECORATIONS!" Gurp's eyes glow with a greenish, swampy light as he starts making violent gestures with his hands. "THIS IT! TONIGHT, WE REST. TOMORROW, WE KILL ALL! EVERY ONE OF THEM! KILL MALES, FEMALES, YOUNG, AND EGGS! GURP FEAST ON HEARTS AND LIZARD YOLK!" The glow in his eyes abruptly cuts off, and he seems to calm down almost immediately. He turns to Ronk. "Get up off floor, and quit making sounds like angry baby. We have our revenge. We need rest first." With that, Gurp falls backwards onto Squishy and falls asleep almost instantly.
Gurp and Squishy don't seem tired at all. Gurp looks around at his companions looking confused and slightly smug. "What with you? You tired? Gurp knows that feeling. Gurp was tired after first lizard fight. But Gurp get by just fine when others say 'No rest, Gurp!', so Gurp sure you can handle it."
"Bird right, cat. Gurp think you should maybe never try choose direction again, because you point at way we come just come from. This why you never ask invasive species for directions!"
Gurp looks up from the pile of mud he's searching through and nods at Ronk an Twitchy. "This very touching, Gurp happy for you two, blah blah blah. Help root through mud now! It not root itself!" Gurp rubs his chin in thought for a bit. "Hmm. Maybe it do. Swamp! Lend me you strength! Let muck help us look through muck!" Gurp waves his hands, and channels the swamp's power through the mud.
The mud in front of Gurp bubbles up, and forms the crude form of a goblin with slug-like eye stalks. Gurp claps his hands in delight. "Excellent! Gurp name you Sir Squishton! Now help Gurp look through muck, Sir Squishton." Gurp goes back to work looking for the cause of the haunt, along with his new minion.
My internet lives again! Plus, Gurp is now a full-fledged Druid. Rejoice!
I'm going to try and swap Gurp to a full Druid, but a snowstorm destroyed my internet, so it might be a while. Please bear with me.
Gurp looks from Ronk to Mort and back again while rubbing his temples. "Please tell Gurp one thing, Ronk and cat. How things end up like this? Stupid genes supposed to die out after time. How you still alive after this long? It luck? It muscle? Gurp think it probably just muscle. You should thank Swamp for giving you good muscle genes." "But!" Gurp says, pointing at Mort and Ronk with both hands. "Muscle not only important thing. Use brains Swamp give you! Alligator is strong, very strong. But also stupid! Alligator has tiny berry brain. But you know how alligator live so long with tiny stupid brain? It know what it can and can not do. Alligator see goblin, it try eat goblin. If goblin stronger than alligator think, it swim away. Alligator see dragon, it swim away or stay hidden. How is alligator, with stupid tiny brain, being smarter than Ronk and cat with big brains?" "What Gurp saying is be careful. Know you limits! Know when to fight, know when to hide in ferns! If half of Dread Pirates go away from fight, do not think, 'Oh! This okay! Ronk and cat have this! Nothing go wrong!' That not how you live to pass on genes. That how you die and have body swallowed by Swamp." Seemingly worn out by his speech, Gurp helps Medge poke around.
I think I read the story that was based on before. I'm so glad that someone drew it!
Ronk: Something about you flailing pathetically to try and smack the Shadow made Gurp the right mixture of annoyed and guilty to step in. :) PlotBunny: What Mort said, sorry. I was kind of tired when I wrote that out, so it was kind of all over the place. Mort: Are you calling Gurp a woman? Because it sounds like you're calling Gurp a woman.
Gurp, who has been watching the fight from behind some ferns, covers his face with his hand. "Oh, for love of Swamp..." He walks up to the shadow, his face a portrait of annoyance, and starts calling upon his swamp mojo. He glares at the Shadow and spits at it. "Suck on mojo and die, nasty spirit!"
"No, stupid cat! We not scared of own shadows. We just not want be killed by other people's shadows! Use you brain!" Gurp crosses his arms and walks away slowly, so that he doesn't accidentally leave Squishy behind.
Yeah, have fun with that, guys. If you need Gurp, he'll be watching from a safe distance and cheering you on.
"Gurp might been able to fight it, but you say 'Oh no, Gurp! We no need rest! You maybe have enough mojo left from lizard fight!' Now Gurp can't fight nasty spirit. We need go!"
Gurp's face hardens, and he turns to his left and shouts into the darkness. "Spirits of swamp! Heed call of Gurp! We not want trouble, and you not want taste wrath of swamp curses! Leave now, and Gurp won't tell swamp you been naughty!"
I'd be okay with that. Maybe some sort of reverse Chicken Boo situation?
Gurp needs no puny Shaman levels for swamp curses! He was dishing them out at level one like a champion! And Ronk, I think Barbarian/Sorcerer is more interesting than Bloodrager, but that's just my opinion.
I'm from the same campaign, and while I have more than enough superstitions already I just wanted to drop by and say that these are all pretty great. Good job, guys!
I'm probably going to swap my Shaman levels for more Druid levels. Sorry, Dread Overking Squishy! Hope you enjoyed your sentience while it lasted!
Gurp's ears perk straight up, and he sniffs the air. "Cat and bird right. Something not right in swamp. It like swamp eat bad mushroom and have blood in stool. Keep eyes open!"
Gurp scratches his chin in thought. "Gurp not sure. Sounds like lot of effort. What in it for Gurp?"
Gurp sits back on Squishy and lets the others do the talking, all the while taking mental notes on all these new faces. Okay, so we got Bigdumb and Vorka the Second and bunch of lizards, Gurp thinks to himself. They maybe not want kill us yet. When bad things go down, Ronk maybe bonk four lizards before he get killed. Bigdumb probably be one who end up kill most of us, unless New Vorka have mojo too... Gurp keeps thinking about the ways the inevitable betrayal could get everyone killed and ways to avoid it. Every now and then he nods when Mort says something convincingly diplomatic.
Gurp has been updated once more! In addition to the sheet being slightly easier to read, Gurp now has his goals (protect the swamp and pass on his genes) and a secret. Not to mention, after all this time, Gurp the Druid actually speaks Druidic now! I'm not sure how I managed to miss that for so long. Anyways, a rough timeline for Gurp is as follows: Born--abandoned in swamp--feral scavenger--learns to talk from spying on goblins--fights a slug--feels bad about it--hears swamp whispers--bonds with Squishy--starts harassing Licktoads for some reason--goes on an adventure out of spite.
Sure. I may have been exaggerating when I said a dozen, though. -Slugs have unspeakably powerful swamp mojo, but lack the limbs and vocal chords to cast spells. -The way you decorate your dwelling directly correlates to how powerful you are. That's why Vorka died like a chump. -The swamp hears everything you say and think while you are standing in its waters. -Not only can swamp plants think, they are also constantly judging you. -Dread Overking Squishy achieved his current intelligence by eating the few slugs that died in the bag and gaining their power. -The swamp is haunted by the spirits of the longshanks that have died in it. The swamp keeps them suppressed, but sometimes lets them run wild when it gets bored. -The voices of the swamp are usually friendly to each other, but sometimes argue. It is usually a bad idea to pick a side when this happens. -Frogs and toads are vaguely semi-sacred to the swamp; they are to be treated well most of the time, but you're not really risking the swamp's wrath if you kill a few. Just try not to wipe out the population. -Swamp gas is highly flammable because the swamp knows how much goblins like fire. Whenever a goblin accidentally blows themselves to smithereens because of a poorly-placed fire, that is the swamp's way of teaching goblins fire safety.
Hello, all! Sorry for my absence, things have been getting kind of rough in my life. Gurp has been upgraded to 20 point buy, making him even wiser and even less pleasant to talk to. As for superstitions, Gurp's got enough to make up for anyone else lacking them. For example, Gurp believes: -The swamp is not just a place, but a being with many different voices with different personalities. Gurp claims to be able to hear at least two of them. -The swamp wants everybody to worship it. Luckily, it is not a jealous deity, and doesn't mind other gods being worshiped alongside it. -Slugs are obviously the world's greatest lifeforms, followed by other gastropods (snails and limpets), black dragons (who are to be avoided rather than respected), alligators (also to be avoided), and goblins, in that order. -Dogs and horses are not only evil, but demons spawned from the corpses of gnomes and humans that aren't properly mutilated. -Eating things gives you a portion of their strength, no matter how weak the food is. Hearts and livers give the most power. -Reading stealing your soul is just a dumb story created by stupid Licktoads. The only things that can steal your soul are dogs, horses, alligators, black dragons, and really angry slugs. -Anyone who uses swamp mojo other than Gurp is either stealing it, using an off-brand knockoff, or is a cool guy who Gurp should hang out with. -Gurp is not allowed to use non-swamp mojos, because too much mojo can give you a headache. Or a stroke. I've got about a dozen others, but I don't want to take up the whole discussion page.
Gurp is...not the biggest fan of the stupid Licktoads that never follow his extremely wise advice. He's only a Licktoad by technicality, and doesn't even live in the village.
She sounds interesting, go ahead and invite her to the party! Twitchy, your post reminds me that I need to update Gurp too. He now has more likes that just Squishy and the Swamp. He also cares about the baby Squishies and Dread Overking Squishy! Also you guys too, but he probably wouldn't admit it.
Sad to see you go, GM. Thanks for all your hard work! I'd like to keep on going with a new GM, personally.
Happy New Year everyone! I'm ready to fail my New Year's resolution and make the same one next year!
Sorry for not posting for a while, I've been really busy. Also, Happy Nondenominational Winter Holiday!
To Gurp, total slaughter of the village isn't out of the question because it's horrible, but because it would take too long and wouldn't really benefit us. The time spent smashing eggs and killing innocents could be better spent killing Vorka II: Electric Vorkaloo! Or watching baby Squishies eat bits of leftover frog!
"Stupid talking cat! You know nothing! It that way!"
Gurp sits up with a snort. "Gurp not asleep! Gurp just resting his eyes!"
Happy Eat-Turkey-and-Ham-Until-You-Feel-Like-Death Day, everyone!
"Bah, fine then! Do it you way this time. If we die, Gurp's spirit haunt everyone else spirits." Gurp checks his pockets to make sure he has everything, makes sure Dread overking Squishy is safely perched on his head, and piles the slug sacks on Squishy's back. "Gurp ready, Ronk! Shut you face! Three swamp curses for yelling!"
Gurp scratches his chin in an attempt to look sagely. "Gurp still thinks whole thing not worth the effort. But if we going to do it, we do it right! We wait until Gurp has more mojo, then we all attack Vorka Two at once." Gurp absentmindedly pets Squishy's flank as he continues. "But Gurp not sure he trust lizards to stay tied. Who to say they not slip out of rope and warn Vorka Two?"
Happy Chocolate From Strangers Day!
"Vorka has sister? That super interesting! Except not really. Why we care?" Gurp scratches his chin in thought. "We kill Vorka because stupid chief say he give us stuff. What we get from killing Vorka sibling? Lizards we not understand? Gurp not sure it worth the effort."
Feel free to try, but you'd need some freakishly strong neck muscles to pull that off.
Probably, but if you're gonna be an animal companion, you've got to make some sacrifices. Squishy's sacrifice is his dignity. |