They're in that blue cooler right there, Professor Greer.... Please, help yourself!
Doctor Hoffmann points out a large blue cooler nearby....
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Welcome home, Fierce Ones! Your victorious return once again gives us cause to breathe a sigh of relief! Yet another otherworldly evil sent to Hell where it belongs! Dr Hoffmann raises a can of Coors Light in salute....
Oh, takes about thirty or forty minutes to really start kickin' yer ass.... Then you experience a flood of key, vital memories that made you who you are....first from your current life, which lasts maybe an hour or two, depending how old you are...then from a less recent life....seems like a few generations back, maybe....then a yet more primitive life, generally in the ballpark of Dark Ages to the Age of Exploration....and finally a most ancient life, generally dating to Bronze Age or thereabouts....each life taking about two hours, I'd say....then it wears off, with no hangover!
Of course it's been tested! I just said it was insane in the membrane like five seconds ago! How would I know it was insane in the membrane, unless I, myself, had tested it!?.... I'll have you know that I was a damned good court jester to King Agamemnon.... And a damned good wife to Owain the Welsh baker, back in the 12th century.... And I was Master of London's Guild of Apothecaries in a later life.... I shot down my share o' k!+@s in World War Two as Airman Johnny Slade....
Grimm.... Dirge and I have cooked up this formula for allowing you to access your past lives! It's totally mad, and it lets you access your former lives' memories, experiences, skills even.... It's insane in the membrane, my honky.... Do you wanna try it?
Me? Lord Mayor of a city? No way, man.... That gig sounds like a drag, to be frank....
Of course, brother! Anything for you, man!.... I f+#$in' love you, dude!.... You're so cool, Mikey Jay.... Here ya go, bro.... Dr Hoffmann puts a couple Spongebob pills in MJ's hand.... Take those, and bring it in, bro.... That's right.... I'm not gay, but I want a hug, MJ.... He hugs MJ for an awkwardly long time....
Wait a sec.... Y'know what would make this even more magical?.... Molly! Doc pops two pills with pictures of Spongebob Squarepants on them, washes them down with a Miller Lite, and begins dancing....
Several of your friends and colleagues left on an expedition to the woodlands of Northwest Texas, shortly after Merlin teleported you Fierce Ones to Sarasota.... Jewels was one, and she wanted me to pass on this love note to Derrik.... Dr Hoffmann grins and hands Derrik a folded-up piece of pink memo paper with heart stickers on it that smells like Jewel's perfume.... Krar, Vash and his pet roc, Greg Bear-Strong, Nature Boy, and Dwayne Lee went, too.... They're looking into the were-squatch rumors.... Not sure when they'll be returning, but I thought some of you would be wondering where your buddies were.... Anyway, welcome home, Fierce Ones! Get some R 'n R....
F%*%! I don't know!.... Ah.... I'm sorry, Kitty, I didn't mean to yell at you....
S$!$! She's right! We can't sit here and wait for the next batch of Cthulhu ninjas to come ripping through here.... And next time, they might not forget that they have insane wizards of their own at their disposal.... Just imagine those pajama fighters backed up by their own casters and healers.... That's what's next.... I guarantee your asses!
Here ya go.... Bottoms up, professor.... Dr Hoffmann produces an antitoxin from his lab coat pocket and hands it to Professor Dirge, who uncorks and quaffs....
You always were good about taking your medicine, Kermy, my boy! Dr Hoffmann grins, relieved to see Kermit alive and talking....
Are they gone? Jesus! Ninjas!? Really!? F~+&ing ninjas!? Who led 'em back to us!?.... What the f#$!, man!? Dr Hoffmann hurries back around the bar to check on Captain Kermit. Oh, God.... Those ninjas really jacked Kermy up.... Drawing a vial from a lab coat pocket, Dr Hoffmann uncorks it and pours it into Kermit's open mouth.... Potion of cure moderate wounds
No! No! This can't be f#$~ing happening!.... Gotta try to think clearly.... I'm so hammered right now, this really isn't a good time for me to be fighting ninjas.... Oh well, bombs away! Dr Hoffmann lobs another fire bomb onto the floor behind The Great Shark, not daring to risk burning Grimm or Kermit by going for a direct hit.... for 9 fire splash damage to The Great Shark....
Dr Hoffmann resists his initial impulse to drink his potion of gaseous form and flee. Instead, he shoves the potion back in his lab coat pocket and chucks a fire bomb at the space directly behind The Great Shark, catching him in its fiery splash radius.... for 9 fire splash damage, Reflex DC 20 for half....
Dr Hoffmann swears, but no sound is made! He stands as a swift action, clambers over the bar as a move action, and pulls out a potion of gaseous form as a move action....
Initiative
"I got ya covered....." /Reaches into pocket of his lab coat and produces a vial with two capsules. "Powdered psilocybin 'shrooms mixed with a bit of MDMA. You'll think it's freaking hilarious when the monsters start popping up....."
/snort. I need to kill brain cells so I have the patience to deal with Hell-No Kitties. Got to dumb myself down considerably.
We are running dangerously low on supplies. I'd say, just looking at food stores alone, we've got enough maybe to last us another couple weeks, and I'm talking about eating ketchup soup without even any crackers for that last week. We're down to only a few more rolls of TP, too! Another couple days and we'll be wiping our butts with dollar bills, and we all know how much of a pain in the ass that is. Most frighteningly, we are almost out of weed. I hate smoking resin, so I really hope somebody can score some decent weed. Maybe one of the Keys teams. I'll bet those old farts on Longboat Key had some good s%## stashed away in their million-dollar beach houses. Don't let me down! |