I have always Considered Phawtl to be a Place of Calm and Refinement, Unfullied by the Loose Talk and Lewd Badinage encountered Elsewhere upon thif most Purple of Webfites, so it Distressed me Greatly to fee fuch Words as SPO-- and C-RP Bandied about Cafually by Mr N_ and Mrs M_, perfons who I Previoufly confidered to be Sober, Induftrious Individuals of Mature Discernment and Upright Morals, thus giving the Unwelcome Imprefsion that I was Frequenting a Low Tavern, Inhabited bu fuch Creatures as Difcharhed Mariners, Trollops, Actrefses, Prong-Twitchers, Glebe-Lurkers, Oftlers, Hawkers, Gin-Bibbers, and the Common Soldiery
Whilst conducting my Pastoral Duties at ye House of Inquiry belonging to Mr H____ this day, I was greatly Surpriz'd to become Involved in a Converfation on the Subject of Performing ye Necessary Evacuations, or e_______ ye b_______ in one's Place of Employ.
Ye Gentlemen, and Matrons, were entirely of the Opinion that it mattered not one Whit, whether fuch Eliminations were Perform'd in ye Workplace, or at Home, or in a Pond, whilst ye Maidens were Stricken with Dread at ye profpect of venturing to ye difease-ridden Privies in ye Building for fuch a Purpose, one going so far as to say that, at one Time of Great Need, she had Taken her Carriage all the way back to her Domicile (no fmall Journey) rather than Refort to fuch a Defperate Act.
All this Peturbed me Greatly, and may furnifh Material for a Future Sermon.
I Write to you as a part of my Spiritual Dutief af a Prince of The Church, for it cannot have Efcaped your Notice, as, indeed, it has not Efcaped Mine, that this Electronical Almanack, or News-Sheet, is Sorely Lacking in Genteel and Civilifed Converfation, for while there is an Entire Day where Guttersnipes, Drabs and Slubbergullions may Ape the Barbarous Jargon of thofe Villainous Defpoilers of our Ocean Commerce, namely, the most Scoundrel-like, Beaftly and Abandoned PYRATES, a Time set Aside for Gentlefolk of Quality to Difcuss fuch Topics as may Enlarge their Understandings, promote Amity, Concord and Moral Uplift and Refresh their Parts after an Arduous Day tending to the Management of their Estates, or Labouring in the Service of their Most Christian Monarch, is Notable by its Absence, as opposed to fuch Noisome Cloaca as FawTl, where the Very Dregs of Grub Street would Blush at the Lewd and Seditious fentiments are Hourly Hawked Wholesale to an Unsuspecting and Horrified Publick.
Although I am Aware that you can Drive a Horse to Water, but not Make it Drink, I hope that my Small Seed will grow into a Mighty Oak, for, indeed, it is the Task that is Never Started that takes Longest to Finish, and a Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss.
Indeed, though I hope my efforts will Bear Fruit, I would not be at all Difpleafed if they prove Unneccessary, as, unfeen and unheard, Gentility oe'rfpreadf us all with her Snowy Wings of politeffe and I see that I am merely Teaching my Grandmother to fu
Bleff my foul, the Bell for Evensong tolleth and I must Away.