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The town of Sandpoint needs you!
The coastal town of Sandpoint has faced few trials and dangers over the course of its forty-two year history, until recently ... Now, the sleepy fishing town's citizens are beset with strange nightmares and the hinterlands are in turmoil with a troubling uptick in goblin activity. What Sandpoint needs are – *ugk*
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*stabs narrator in the throat* “Agh, shaddap you! Me never liked you anyway. Filthy longshanks try ruin bigbig plan….
Okay. All gobs here? Where Feeva? Better not be sleeping again…. Oh! Me see her now. Goodgood. Okay. Pay tenshuns you lot! Chief have inpurtant job. You all know longshank place name Sand-Point. Me no like. Too big. Soon make ‘ventures come kill Licktoads. That bigbad thing. So Chief make plan: KILL THEM FIRST!!! In the morning, we attack! Kill horse. Kill dog. Kill longshanks. This I decide. Now me say ‘Get Ready!’ Licktoads raid soon.
"I knows what you be's thinkin'. 'But there be many many lots longshanks in Sandy-points! More than Licktoads. THAT NOT MATTER!!! Longshanks be lots, but they not have Big Chief like me! And me has plan....
Chief Rendwattle's voice lowers conspiratorially. "Longshanks be have bigbig party name 'Swallow Tails Festival'. They not be looking for Gobs. Licktoads make four groups, sneak into town. One group attack thissa way through big gate. One group attack thatta way over little bridge. Them two be MAKE LONGSHANKS CHOKE ON TAILS!!! Other groups job different but still important. One group sneakasneak thissa way . Find filthy evil books, writing and burn. Make bigbig fire. Last group have hard dan-ger-us job - but most important. You attack from top like Tail Kill group . No fight longshanks. Find dogs and horses. KILL THEM DEMONS!!!"
Chief Gutwad pauses to make sure everyone understands, then assigns the entire tribe to random groups. By sheer luck, it's a relatively even split - approximately 50 Goblins apiece.
Somewhere in the back of the gathering, a certain goblin is stirring a cauldron over a fire. He's singing mostly to himself, and decidedly doesn't pay enough attention to this piece of tactical brilliance put forth by the chief. He ackowledges the plan with a simple nod and goes back to his business. With every stir of the cooking rod, a huge collection of mismatched jewelry hanging from his neck rinkles with the motion.
His voice is about five octaves too low for the average goblin, and sounds as if Chef from South Park had a one-night stand with one too many bottles of alcohol.
Surrounding him are about eight other goblins who keep nodding straight-faced to his lyrics or supporting the beat with ramshackle instruments.
"Two fingernails of 'Brandon',
And two or three bird s%&~es.
Add half a leg of Hunter,
Melting...
Stick it all in a bowl, baby!
Stir it with a Rotten spoon,
Throw in some apples sour,
You'll enjoy Swaggy soon!
Say Everybody have you heard enough?
The plan really isn't that tough,
But if ever need a quick snack that's sick,
Come and enjoy Swaggy's..."
He looks around to the surrounding goblins and asks them for advice.
"Trick?"
"Trick."
They all speak and nod at once, as true individuals.
"Trick," Swaggy nods. "It's hard to come by good lyrics on the fly. Now, where was I?"
He continues signing as he continues cooking, with the stooges offering in a chorus line here and there.
"Ooh, suck on these Longshank salty balls,
'Check it out!'
Put them in your mouth and chuck em!
`Duuum duuum dum dum dum`
Suck on these Longshank salty balls,
They're packed full of gangrene
Good for your sheen!
So suck on my balls!"
Satisfied with his impromptu song, he starts serving whatever goblin is interested in eating before this important attack on Sandy Points.
Wait, attack on Sandy Points? That meant... hmmm... wasn't he supposed to be doing something else?
He's still thinking about things when the chief walks over and assigns him to group 2. What were they supposed to do again? Ah, right. Go over a bridge and 'make Longshanks choke on tales'.
Wait, what does that mean, exactly...?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjrdanK4LSY&ab_channel=CartmanBroflovsk i
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Batry showed up at the tribal gathering as the usual stack of creatures. On the bottom was Snookums the Snookums (Batry was the first of his tribe to find such a creature so he had named the species), lazily chewing on some of the straw some goblin had used for the roofing of his hovel.
Laying on Snookums' back was Batry himself. He had found that it was a good idea to lay down when chief spoke, that way you wouldn't be blown away by the guy's stupidity. Snookums probably had more brain to her than the chief.
The last of the stack was Wartface the permanently bored toad, lazily dozing on top of Batry's head.
When he hears the chief he sighs. Stupid man. His plan was useful but only because groups 1, 2 and 4 would distract the longshanks while he could do the important work in group 3. The important work here was saving the good books, stashing them away in his secret hidy hole. Stupid chief was too dumb to realise that books were harmless. It was the act of writing that was evil and stole the soul. When the soul was in the pages you could read it and take bits of the soul into yourself and become stronger!
So he'd go with group 3, no matter where chief put him, and save the good books. Was just too bad he couldn't save the poor doggies and secure some horse meat. Then again, eh could count on the stupidity of his fellows to save the misshapen wolfspawn.
Then the chief put him in group 2. Another sigh. Batry jumped off Snookum's back, Wartface holding on for dear life, and ran over to the most stupid goblin in the book group. It was easy to find one that would rather attack the longshanks that burn books. It was after all more fun to set fire to a longshanks than to a book. So now Batry found himself in the good group. Next step would be to make himself boss of the book group, but that he must do when chief wasn't near.
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'Wamba rocks back and forth as she sits with many of the rest of the tribe to listen to the Chief. Is good plan, she thinks. Will be fun to see the longshanks run and burn! She enthusiastically raises her hand and goes "Ooo! Ooo!" each time the chief describes one of the groups. "Picka me! Picka me!" she cries out. "Put me in, boss! Lemme at 'em!" The Chief pays her no mind, but she doesn't care.
When the groups are picked, she discovers she is in Group 4. Hip hip! she thinks. That's one of the ones I wanted! This calls for a celebration!
'Wamba grins her sharp, pointed smile when she smells the longshanks' food. Deermeat wasn't as good as demonhorsemeat or longshanksmeat, but it was usually prepared better with wonderful spices and flavors that most goblins didn't really have the patience to develop. Salivating, she frowns at the weird picture and the dangerous curse beneath it, and briefly gives thanks to Lamashtu for her ignorance that makes her immune to its power.
Her stomach rumbles and she briefly considers ditching the squad and sneaking into the bigbig house with the enticing picture of food on the outside. Just then, Rita leads a charge into the clearing, and she can hear the familiar chants of "We be goblins, you be food!" wafting up from the fray. That settled it: the sign was a sign. A sign she should follow the sign! She sniffs the air and moves nimbly toward the smells of cooking, climbing up the side of the building to try and find access through the roof.
Hearing the signal charge and supressing the worry over where in this mess his few friends were, and whether they were safe, Swaggy puts those thoughts aside and thinks reallllly hard on their exact instructions again.
'Make longshanks choke on tales!'
He shrugged. If the bosses said so?
He nods, and all of his flunkies and whomever deems fit to listen to Swaggy form a half circle covering the exit to the brudge.
"All right you gobs! With feeling now, and if you can't sing, you nodz!"
He waits for the nods, and he gets them.
"And if any longshanks gets close, grab those lyrics sheets and use those! Make them choke on it, in case the chief litereally meant that s#~#! Boss's orders so don't waste snail over some soul-sucking tale!"
Another nod. Swaggy himself climbs on top of some demon-horse drawn house on wheels, partly to flex his goblin abs at the crowd, and partly so that his voice reached further. He planted down the cane the Doggfather had given him and started the rhymes!
...Yeah, probably for the best he wasn't in group four. He doubted the Doggfather would approve of him killing dogs.
Immediately, as it almost always did, a beam of light came from the clear heavens and illuminated Swaggy and his singers in the middle of all the chaos. They all felt themselves filled with vigor, as though they could insult Longshanks for weeks!
Then, the chorus started in earnest as the assembled goblins near swaggy traded their weapons for music sheets and start joining the melody.
"There once was a Longshank from Point-Sand!
Couldn't be anymore bland!
He thought he was safe,
But the gobs were too brave,
Now the band will eat his hand!"
"Ya, la la la la, yah! Ya, la la la la, Yah!"
Swaggy's troup remains singing with progressively more threatening and vulgar limericks, all involving the Longshanks or their demon horses, quite often involving some form of fornication process between the two and how the goblins would always beat them regardless. Strangely, nothing on Dogs.
As the other goblin's charge the odd smelling building Batry just grins. Fools. At least their attack, the festival and the other attack will prove a good distraction while he searches for books and other things to pilfer.
Now the word 'Boutique' does ring a bell. It's a shop thingy. A place where longshanks go to trade things for other things. He moves over to the building containing this so-called 'Boutique' and tries peering in through a window to see if there are any longshanks in.
Batry heads into the building, possibly aided by Snookums opening the door for him. Once inside he starts browsing through the store's selection of things, ready to open up his secret hidy place to stash stuff that looks good.
Batry strokes his chin in the most pensive way possible. Then, coming upon a brilliant idea he clears his throat and in his best imitation of a distressed longshanks woman he says; "Oh no! Goblins be ransacking the Faerie's Cat! We needs help! Someones, please!"
Chambawamba
You climb the three-story building with absolutely no difficulty. The first floor is stone - just like the caves where you practice climbing? The upper two levels are wood, but there are lots of windows. Climbing through one, you find yourself in a room with a big soft bed! There's also a chest with clothes and stuff! Other rooms have the same things but some don't have the clothes and stuff. The yummy deer smell seems to be coming from downstairs. As you creep closer, you hear the sounds of longshanks cooking and see a STRONG BALD MAN carving up deer meat with a big knife.
Swaggy
Your terrifying song causes a panic at the disco! Well, not a disco (what even is that anyway), but definitely a panic. Anyone who gets within arm's reach is forced to swallow a tale of your oratory exploits. No wonder everyone is screaming and running. Nothing to do with the 100+ other Goblins running around stabbing people and setting things on fire. No, it's definitely your song. That's when you realize that not everyone is overwhelmed by your awesomeness. The PRIEST starts glowing with a light of his own, and everyone near him starts to calm down. Some even begin picking up weapons and fighting the other Goblins! You don't hear him singing, but this longshanks is clearly putting on a performance of his own.
Batry
Peering through the window, you see all kinds of clothes and longshanks toys and games and weird weapons and stuff. A few books, too, but they're on the other side of a long counter. And standing behind the counter is a MACE LADY. That's when you attempt the most awesomest idea ever. And by some miracle, it works! The longshanks grabs her big mace and rushes for the front door. "Don't worry! Help is on the way!"
Swaggy's attention is sharply drawn to this new contender. Finally, a challenge!
He quickly turns towards this... um, weird longshank and snaps his fingers. Even throughout the carnage, all of his flunkies hear the signal and drop what they're doing, rushing back to the instruments. The threatening beat thickens for this impromptu grudgematch, and literal fire erupts from both Swaggy's cane, the goblin instruments... and conincedentally also all the actual weapons of every single goblin within 30 feet of Swaggy! You could say he was a firestarter.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbxYJABgues&ab_channel=2166Brad
The original with Lyrics:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AeNYDwbm9qw&ab_channel=NicePeter
Swaggy's voice reaches out to the Longshank:
"Okay, Longshanks! Me and you,
It's time to see who is the rapper true!
Everyone, this man’s style is a mess.
He wears a dress in a dress INSIDE OF ANOTHER DRESS!
Think you’re hot stuff? Think you’re a caster?
Shank quit that s%+% out and BOW DOWN to your master!
Homie what the frick is up with that blade?
It looks like something some drunk toddler made!
You should get rid of that thing,
Or you’re gonna shank YOURSELF with each swing!
I thought a priest like you was supposed to be wise?
So get the &*^% out before someone next to you dies!
And definitely, surely, REALLY stop to sing!
In this rap battle, man, you have insufficient bling!"
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With an excited whoop, 'Wamba leaps forward and climbs up onto the man's back. "Giddygo, longshanks! In the way! In the way!" she cries out, grasping at his face with her fat fingers. "You in trouble now! Run like deer! Much! Much!" She cackles with joy.
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Delighted with the seeming success of his ruse Batry grins while urging Snookums to take some steps back and into the street marked 'Market Street'. He wanted to give the woman a free run towards where he had pointed her.
He still kept Tiffany at the ready though, just in case.
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Swaggy
The priestshanks is completely unaffected by Swaggy's sick burn. As per official rap battle protocol, it's now his turn to act. "You cannot harm one who has dreamed a dream like mine. Do not fear, my friends. Lady Luck will protect us from Lamashtu's spawn." His weird verse doesn't even rhyme. Then he causes an atrocious rules violation by THROWING HIS DUMB KNIFE STAR AT YOU!?!
Chamba
The bigshanks flails about with his hands as he blunders around the kitchen trying to throw you off.
Batry
Mace lady bursts through the door, weapon held high ... and stops dead in her tracks when she catches a glimpse of Snookums. As it turns out, megafauna (even young ones) have a difficult time hiding in a street. "What the hell?"
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Oooo, that's a good idea! 'Wamba thinks. I wonder what longshank-face tastes like? Her stomach rumbles as she contemplates the spread of delicacies before her, and she can't help herself. She squirms around on his back and tries to take a bite out of his ear.
"Hold still!" she giggles.
Oooo, that's a good idea! 'Wamba thinks. I wonder what longshank-face tastes like? Her stomach rumbles as she contemplates the spread of delicacies before her, and she can't help herself.
Swaggy is somewhat surprised that the knife star somehow made its way into his stomach, and quite deep at that, but eh, it happens! He pulls it out and throws drops it into a crowd of goblins nearby so they can start to play frisbee with that and whatever horse demon was nearby. All those situps in training obviously hadn't been for nothing!
He rolls his neck and rolls up his non-exitant sleeves for the second verse, then grips the cane right. This battle was for from over!
"All right priest Imma let you finish,
But that verse now; your threat is dimished!
It didn't even rhyme!
Now step back down and have another taste of mine!
Think throwing knives at a rap contest if cool?
Dude, the telltale sign of a fool!
If someone had gone and died,
Your ass would be disqualified!"
But as a sign of good sport,
Here, have a look at these shorts.
They're more of a man than you'll ever be!
Want a closer look? Then bow down on your knee!"
Rally
A rally is a magical effect you may enact as an immediate action, targeting a creature within the area of effect of one of your totems (or with whom you share a mandate, as detailed below), granting the target bonuses or allowing them to take certain actions. You must be within long range of a target to rally that target. If a rally targets a specific creature, it is subject to spell resistance.
Some rallies can be used in response to other events, in which case the rally occurs before the triggering event completes, unless noted otherwise. Rallies that work from triggers can only be used when that trigger occurs, and can only affect those allies that the trigger applies to.
When you gain the War sphere, you gain the following rally:
Commanding Aid
You may use the aid another action on the target. You must use your caster level + your casting ability modifier in place of your melee attack bonus for this purpose, and may aid them against any creature also within range of your rally.
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The moment the woman notices Snookums Batry lets out a sigh while his large ears droop.
He then gathers himself, ears perking up and eyes fixed on the woman, "She's gorgeous, isn't she? Now please, my crazy tribe be running around in the perfumed place and I'm sure the longshanks in there need help. My tribe be less well behaved than me, they probably be biting and killing your peoples. So be a good longshanks and help your kind." Batry sounds a bit offended while speaking as the woman for some reason didn't follow his plan.
"And no, you can't pet Snookums! She don't like it."
Chambawamba
Forgetting that longshanks don't have tough skin like Goblins, you chomp down on his ear ... and accidentally rip off a sizeable chunk of his face. Hey, now you'll definitely know whether or not longshanks are tasty! In a panic, he attempts to stab you.
Swaggy
This time, your sick burn catches the cheating priest squarely in the chest, and his dumb robes ignite in a fierce blaze. He promptly stops, drops, and rolls.
The flames go out, but he spent so long rolling around like an idiot that he doesn't get a chance to deliver a clap-back rap of his own. Sucks for him. But that's what he gets for messing with the best.
Batry
The mace lady looks progressively more confused as you speak words of wisdom. "You ... speak Common? And talk like civilized folk? And aren't going about burning everything in your path? What in the Nine Hells is going on?!?" She holds her mace at the ready, but her stance is defensive. By acting contrary to type, you've successfully subverted her expectations. And other big thought word stuff. Truly your intelligence is staggering.
"I also speak the tongue of travellers." Batry then wiggles his cheeks before switching to yet another language "And the tongue of little giants." He appears to be mighty pleased with himself.
He then switches back to common, "I likes a fire just as much as rest of tribe, but I'm not stupid. They are, mostly. But what's going on.." Batry hesitates for a moment.
He then nods, "Tribe be attacking Sandypoint because other tribe was also going to. Idiot chief wants to show we better, but he still home while we fight. So I thought I use chance to learn more about you longshanks and your sneaky book magic. Rest of tribe be attacking festival and plundering smelly place." Hopefully sharing will make the woman go run and help her tribe so that Batry can steal her things undisturbed. His own tribe will survive all this, maybe being a bit smaller even is a good thing. Less mouths to feed.
'Wamba spits and wrinkles up her nose. This longshanks hasn't bathed in a while and tastes like old cheese, while the meat he was cutting smells much more promising. She didn't know much about cooking, but her friend Swaggy claimed he knew a lot about being "saucy" and "cooking up fresh beets" and things like that, so she figures if she kills this longshanks and dumps some water on him he'll eventually stew up nicely.
She bites him again, careful not to swallow.
Anxious to get the taste of his sweat out of her mouth, she brings her bufo skin up and guzzles down two swallows. Her eyes unfocus a bit as the brew spreads through her system and brings with it that pleasantly familiar burning sensation in her cheeks. "Oh yessy, we are flying now, shanty-shanks!" she cries.
Swaggy watches for a while to see if there is some witty comeback but gets bored when this longshank just keeps on rolling and rolling to put out the fire. Sigh. He wondered if this counted as a forfeit? Usually, if a Gob got burned like this they'd be dead, but this Longshank wasn't. Hm. But then he wasn't getting back up, either? So that must mean he accepted his defeat the way the Doggfather had spared him!
Of course, there was still one very important thing to do...
He snaps his fingers for his flunkies to move up, then stage dives into the crowd and has his posse of homies carry him closer to this longshank, doging the burning chickens and quartet of goblins roaming around the area on a foaming demon horse which was also partly on fire. Bah! Smelt like Longshank meatballs, but less rancid. His were defenitsely better!
His troop deposits him somewhere near the burning longshank and he patiently waits for the man to stop his frantic tumbling.
Then he makes eye contact.
And keeps doing it.
And some more.
Until he stared straight into this longshanks' very soul , and the walls of his reality for narrowed itself down to the
"You Jelly?"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSCD9r2ixHs&ab_channel=VelezGrif
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Batry
Mace lady thinks hard for a minute, weighing her options. On the one hand, she's a lot bigger than you and has a mace. On the other hand, you have a megafauna and a crossbow pointed at her. "You're smart for a Goblin. How about we make a trade? You make sure my shop doesn't get burned down, and I'll give you books so you can learn more about us."
Chamba
This time, you bite the longshanks' neck like you're one of those "pirate van" things you heard about that one time. Your drink tastes a lot better than his blood, though. Not as metal-tasting. He topples over like a fallen tree.
Swaggy
That fool priest lies on the ground / Tangled up in his dumb gown / Face set in determined frown / Refuses to give up his crown / Looks at you like you're a clown / "Tender of Dreams, protect our town!" / You burn him down.
'Wamba rides the body down and jumps at the last second.
Smacking her lips, she goes looking about for a chaser, curious where the cook keeps the alcohol. She feels she's earned it.
Swaggy
That fool priest lies on the ground / Tangled up in his dumb gown / Face set in determined frown / Refuses to give up his crown / Looks at you like you're a clown / "Tender of Dreams, protect our town!" / You burn him down.
Swaggy looks at the smoldering remains of the priest and wonders who this 'tender' 'lady of his dreams' was. Did he have an imaginary girlfriend? Well, priests were usually celebate, and he should stay faaaaaaaar away from that profession, or so his mentor had warned him. So it made sense, probably.
Still creepy though. How was she supposed to watch over the town? Longshanks were weird.
He then looks down at the wound on his stomach and assumes a stern posture.
"Hey there cut, you got a permit to stay?
If not, you'd better scram away!"
The cut magically disappears, seemingly seared shut.
Nodding, Swaggy surveys the battlefield. How were things going? And where were friend Batry or pretty Chamba?
Seeing a large problem to the goblin invasion, Swaggy cracks his knuckled and bravely approaches for round two!
Chaos and carnage were having a party worthy of the doggfather himself! great. Now... what should he do?
In fact, what would Barty do? Batry had the smarts. And Chamba had the looks and he had... um... Style!
Right. Style! No more pre-smoke Swaggy. That was someone no one had to know.
'Had to know...'
Swaggy turns his head sidewides for a good ten seconds and then suddenly gasps!
"Ok, you guys, get off the van. There's a problem with the chief's plan! If we kill all of Lonkshanks loads, who tells rest of world of great Licktoads? Before they're all blasted to bits, let's go grab some Longshank kids. That's shortshanks so you understand, and bring the bigshanks too if they hold their hands. Longshank kids need help and stuff, they're not Gob-like tough!"
He pounds his chest with his cane, and receives a salute from the group, who then forms a wide circle around him.
"Any longshank here want to leave? watch at Swaggy's greatness and believe! If y'all want to admit defeat, get over here and join the beat! Swaggy's here to take you away, somewhere outside so you can live another day!"
Swaggy's starts walking around the chaos and rounding up shortshanks and associated Longshanks who would prefer to leave this place, with the intent of taking them outside the village once the circle is filled up. If needed, he'll spend some time insulting Longshank wounds to go away. Gotta have some survivors to spread terror and fame! Even Batry would call it a bigbrain play, right!?
Batry scratches his chin before nodding, "Deal. You go bring books, and make them good ones. Not the puppy stuff filled with pictures, Goblins make pictures aplenty."
He then took a single hand off of Tiffany, turned the various nuts he wore around his fingers and then proceeded to do something that looked like he punched a hole into thin air. Once the hole hang there a prodded Snookums to take a few steps back. "You can put the books in there. It's safe from tribe's fires."
Chamba
After a thorough search of the kitchen, you find some cooking sherry. There's also some rice vinegar that might work in a pinch. More importantly, though, you find several jars of pickles and a large cheese wheel!
Swaggy
A handful of longshanks come your way - most notably a FINELY-DRESSED GENTLEMAN holding a sword cane. "You there! Goblin! You say you can take us to safety? I knew there was more to you chaps than unthinking savagery! Ah, it feels so good to be vindicated. Yes, there's a noble mind hiding behind even the most hideous visage. After all, who wouldn't want Aldern Foxglove as a friend?" He looks at you and your posse expectantly for a few seconds. "You haven't heard of me? Ah well, no matter. Carry on then. Let's get this rescue started, shall we?"
Batry
Mace lady ducks back into her shop and returns with a quartet of books.
- A booklet of horse hoof polishing techniques
- Tongues and Their Reading: A pocketbook of flame identification, used to tell magical flames from natural ones and much more.
- The Cognitive Nature of Magic: A book that claims magic is limited by the mind only. It states that we as a society place limits on spells, without these limits even a lowly cantrip could have wish-level effects. It presents “experiments” it claims proofs this such as how a simple mending spell cannot repair living skin yet it can repair leather. It claims this proves societies perception of things affects magic.
- A small handbook entitled “A Peacetime Comparison of the Axe and Shortsword”, which seems to focus entirely on which weapon is easier to beat into various farm implements after a war.
'Wamba, flushed with victory and strong drink, places the bottles and the pickle jars into her pack and rolls the wheel of cheese out the side door and into the street. She leaves her victim lying dead on the kitchen floor for the time being, though she fully intends to come back for him once she confirms that her compatriots have conquered the rest of the town.
Swaggy blinks at the notion of hideous visage and looks around to see who he means. All of his posse were fashionably dressed with the best Goblin jewelry available! Fish spines, Rotten Fruit, Rat Skulls... it was all there. Of course, none of them had the Orange of Destiny but then again there was only one of those.
Still, this guy had a cane. The Doggfather had a cane. Swaggy now had a cane. And Hideous Visage sounded like a diss. Safety, saveregy, me, we. Well, at least half of his lines rhymed. Surely that meant this guy was a fellow rapper, if probably a beginner. Well, that was good! This man would definitely spread the word of a superior musician to the outside world, right?
"Swaggy McFly, not to waste your time," he says, extending his hand to the Longshank. "I hereby acknowledge your novice rhyme. Get inside the circle and protect the kids from taking hits. If anyone asks, sacrifices to the Mother are your tasks. Swaglords, grab all Longshanks that are not already a smidge and we'll let them go across the bridge!"
The assorted squad of goblins salute and start styling towards the bridge, with some of them detaching themselves from the troupe to attempt to rescure still living longshanks, prioritising shorthanks, and placing them inside the circle. Swaggy attempts to dissuade other goblins from attacking by claiming they're sacrifices to Lamashtu. Meanwhile, he sings a nice calming tune that gives the troup goblins and all accompanying Shanks 1 temp hp and +1 fort, refreshing every round. But mostly to calm all the screaming and crying shortshanks since their noise was a bit annoying.
Batry nods at most of the books, though he makes a very ugly face when seeing the book on horses "Don't you have something on longshanks' tribes? Horses are only good for eating, polishing their toes is waste. Something on bald, little giants with tattoos and shouting? Or travellers with magic cards? Or both? I learn about them, not ornery, four-legged breakfast."
For the other three books he directs the macelady to the pocket portal that he had created.
Chambawamba
There's still plenty of chaos to be had, it seems, as you roll your cheese through the street. Lots and lots of longshanks live in Sandy Points, so it's going to take a long time for your tribe (mighty as they may be) to conquer everything. Suddenly, you hear familiar singing from up ahead. It's Swaggy's calmcalmcalm music! He and his gobbo gang have ensnared a bunch of smallshanks! Suddenly, a thrown dagger strikes one of the goblins in the back, dropping him. At the same time, a bolt of force unerringly smites another. Looking in that direction, you see four new longshanks entering Sandy-Points. The leader (an armor-clad human wielding twin blades) cracks his neck. "Looks like there's enough scum here for everyone. Plenty of experience - and rewards - to be had here, so let's get this party started....". His companions (an elderly human with a staff, a dark-skinned woman with a Sarenrae holy symbol, and a female elfshanks with a gazillion daggers) nod. The four of them look menacingly at you.
Swaggy
You usher the foxy gloved longshank and the others into the center of your band where they'll be safe from harm. Or, at least as safe as the middle of a bunch of goblins can be. As you head towards the bridge, a thrown dagger strikes one of your backup singers in the back, dropping him instantly! At the same time, a bolt of force unerringly smites another. Looking in that direction, you see four new longshanks entering Sandy-Points. The leader (an armor-clad human wielding twin blades) cracks his neck. "Looks like there's enough scum here for everyone. Plenty of experience - and rewards - to be had here, so let's get this party started....". His companions (an elderly human with a staff, a dark-skinned woman with a Sarenrae holy symbol, and a female elfshanks with a gazillion daggers) nod. The four of them look menacingly at you.
Batry
Mace lady shrugs her shoulders. "That's all I have. We're a boutique, not a bookstore. Try The Curious Goblin down in the market square. There's a lot of stuff there."
You know of market squares. They usually aren't square at all. More of oblong ovoids, typically. But that's always where longshanks go to get the stuff they need. And you need books, so that's obviously where they are.
As you head toward the market square, you begin to hear familiar singing from up ahead. It's Swaggy's song of soothing! He and his gobbo gang have ensnared a bunch of smallshank children! Suddenly, a thrown dagger strikes one of the goblins in the back, dropping him. At the same time, a bolt of force unerringly smites another. Looking in that direction, you see four new longshanks entering Sandy-Points. The leader (an armor-clad human wielding twin blades) cracks his neck. "Looks like there's enough scum here for everyone. Plenty of experience - and rewards - to be had here, so let's get this party started....". His companions (an elderly human with a staff, a dark-skinned woman with a Sarenrae holy symbol, and a female elfshanks with a gazillion daggers) nod. The four of them look menacingly at you.
Swaggy narrows his eyes in cold fury. Highwaymen murderhobo's? Here? Now? After shortshanks of their own kind!? People were about to get destroyed !
"Stand back, my pack. I'll protect you all!
Even if my stature's small.
I recognize the four of you!
Goblin killers through and through.
And now you've chosen your own children to kill?
Well over my dead body, you will!"
What's with the one in front? I can't really tell.
All I'm getting is the booze's smell!
Are you a murderhobo but ALSO drunk?
Then you're the first to get slain in this funk!
AND YOU! Elf yo telling me all those shankers you use?
How dumb you gotta be for all of them to lose!
Take your ass back to the back of your pack,
Or friend Batry's dinosaur will find you a snack!
Wait, is that ANOTHER cross-dresser I see?
I guess that's one more diss handed for free.
To kill people, aren't you a bit old?
Longshank, In your beard I can SEE the mold.
Huh, a worsipper of the goddess of fire?
Then burning you is my prime desire!
YOU have a taste of MY blinding light,
And see if your goddess pulls you through this night!"
"What's with the one in front? I can't really tell.
All I'm getting is the booze's smell!
Are you a murderhobo but ALSO drunk?
Then you're the first to get slain in this funk!
Think you're here to commit more theft?
Gotta wonder how much of your brain is left!"
"And you! What's up with having so many knives?
Got stabbed in the back by each of your ex-wives?
Pretty Chamba doesn't need even one!
If numbers is all you have then you'd better toughen up, son!"
Wait, is that ANOTHER cross-dresser I see?
I guess that's one more diss handed for free.
Take it from me that your style is wack,
At best friend Batry's pet's snack.
Or maybe you're just old,
Your beard contains way too much mold.
Yuck. Wanna see a real magic trick?
This is your ass and here is my-"
Swaggy pauzes for a moment and turns around to see lots of little children behind him.
"...Stick."
Then, he continues with Kyra as above.
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Batry lets out a sigh, "Bit disappointing, but thanks." Batry closes the portal with a flick of his wrist. He then nods and leaves, making a mental note not to forget to tell the others to burn everything down around the boutique but leave that one alone.
He then proceeds to the square.
Adventurers? Here? Why do those idiots always have to complicate things?
He then notices that Swaggy he started his usual routine and smiles. Good.
He then extends a hand to the side, wanting to give Snookums some orders but instead finds only air as the lumbering beast has already charged to the closest opponent.
Batry smirks as he sees Snookums attack connect.
He then sets his own eyes upon the old man. This was one of the cliche groups so the old man must be the wizard. That meant he carried a good book for reading. Batry wanted that book. And he probably was a big threat.
So he aims Tiffany, readjusts his position, aims again, pulls the trigger and smiles as he hears the satisfying thud of the bolt hitting it's mark. "Tiffany likes you old man, but love hurts." It was a sudden inspiration, probably caused by Swaggy, and he'd blurted it out before he knew it.
He then slots another bolt into Tiffany.
"A ha! Gobs and shanks have no fear!
Friend Barty and Chamba appear!
To save us from the highwaymen,
Like only true goblins can."
Swaggy waves enthousiastically at his friends.
Then he blinks as Snookums wastes no time eating Kira and Batry shoots the aging crossdresser straight through the neck.
Ok then!
He quickly motions for the gobs behind to close ranks even more.
"Um... probably shouldn't let the kids/
Watch snookums eat robbers to bits."
The remaining troop members ans Swaggy each attempt to grab a shortshanks and cover their eyes from the righteous slaying of these robbers who stand in the way of their rescue.
Squad assist om Swaggy/aid another.
With a wild war whoop, 'Wamba charges at the leader, her mouth open wide. She launches herself at his face, still dizzy from the excitement of her previous encounter!
As she gains purchase on the longshank's skin, her teeth tear a bloody hole in him.
The wheel of cheese wobbles in an ever-narrowing tight circle behind her, momentarily forgotten.
Swaggy's spotlight of awesomeness only works on those who are worthy. For everyone else, it burns. All of the 'venturers are affected to various extents, and the Goblin rapper's subsequent diss track provides ample distraction for the rest of you. Snookums slams into the fire priest, and Batry sends a love note from Tiffany straight into the old guy's neck. Meanwhile, Chamba climbs up sword dude, leaving massive bite marks all the way. There's not a whole lot of exposed flesh left by the time she reaches the top. Perhaps the taste of longshank flesh is growing on her.
Just when it seems the battle is won, however, the 'venturers reveal their power! Fire lady raises her holy symbol, and a wave of healing energy washes over her companions. Except for sword man - Chamba ate too much of him already.
Unfortunately, her allies are too busy vomiting all over themselves to take advantage of this rejuvenating energy.
Seeing how effective his spotlight seemed to be, Swaggy was very tempted to extend the duration but didn't want to risk hitting his friends. He drops the light and turns to his trusty crew behind him.
"Ok, you guys. Let your fuses come!
It's time for us to drop the bomb "
Swaggy walks forward proclaiming his desire and switches his aura and theme song to fire, as those behind him merrily take out their crudely made goblin grenade(s).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DXl4lrqdeI&ab_channel=theultimateonejp sx
"Let's see if you can take the heat,
When we drop the explosive beat!
One last chance to admit defeat/
...Actually, just go to your maker and meet."
@Everyone, Chambawamba and Snookums are now within 30 feet of Swaggy and benefit from his fire song and totem. Their weapon attacks deal 1d4 + 2 extra fire and untyped damage, respectively. I guess chamba's meat is now cooked while she eats it? Very fresh!
@GM If you prefer not to allow this since the Cohort Wasn't statted yet, I'll instead just maintain the radiance effect on Kyra. Swaggy can't do much better in this situation.
Batry grumbles when he sees the fire lady heal her companions. Now he could start all over again! She had to be removed first and it appeared Snookums was of a like mind.
The big beast took a step forward, following her previous target. It wasn't a straight movement though as somehow, with her limited cranial capacity, she figured out the concept of flanking and how it was advantageous.
Sadly it wasn't advantageous enough as the swing with her head went wide. She did get a smell of the old man though.
Batry was determined though, the fire lady had to be taken out. And while he had a clear shot he knew it would be better to get a bit closer to Swaggy so he could profit from his encouragement in a magical as well as a mental sense.
Once he felt the warm glow of his aura he aimed Tiffany at the cleric and fired.
Batry's mouth fell open at the effectiveness of his shot. The bolt simply tore through the fire lady as if she was nothing. He wasn't sure whether it was Swaggy's aura or if Tiffany was angry as their mark had removed her love bit from the old man but whatever it was, it worked.
Panting and wheeling, 'Wamba cries out excitedly, "You tell 'em, Shwaggy! Hey, who'z zhooting...? Iz that be Barty? Nice shot, Braty!" Cackling with laughter at her own private joke, she turns to the elfy-longshanks with all the knives and uses the various handles to climb up onto her head while she is busy vomiting.
Once mounted, 'Wamba giggles and attempts to steal one of the woman's daggers. "Why you need sho many, elfshanks? Throwing is, like, shubopt... shuh... shoobop... boptimal..." She blinks and then lunges down for the closest one.
Swaggy's band of backup bards begin belting brilliant burning beats that beautifully bombard bullies. Elfshanks is unaffected; clearly she's tone-deaf. Her allies, likewise, quickly plug their ears and escape with only minor injuries. Unfortunately for them, Batry takes advantage of this distraction and launches a crossbow bolt straight through the fire lady's brain! She's a good healer ... but not good enough to cheat death. Not for a few more levels, anyway. Wait, what does that mean? Whatever. It's not important. Chamba's busy stealing elfshanks' daggers, and that's much more interesting. If you steal something from a thief, can it really be considered theft? After all, stealing involves taking something from its rightful owner without permission, and a thief isn't the rightful owner. This is why everyone hates moral philosophers. And thieves.
Random tangents aside, the ventures actually begin to put up a fight! Oldshanks runs quite a ways away from the battle (presumably to avoid both Snookums and Chamba), turns, and launches yet another bolt of arcane energy - this time at Batry. Despite a last-second dodge on the Goblin's part, the missile unerringly strikes him.
As for the elfshanks, she acknowledges Chamba's thievery skills by letting her keep the dagger. It's not like she has a shortage of them, after all. And one of them's making its way towards Chamba's neck.... Until the Goblin sees it coming, that is.
Seeing Friend Batry take a force bolt to the face which previously killed one of Swaggy's backup singers, MC gobs knows exactly what to do!
One gesture of a point later and the goblin troop moves near to Friend Batry to help him out. Several members detach themselves to massage his shoulders, wipe his face with a wet towel, and helpfully reload Tiffany. It would be a shame for old Longshanks and his fleeing feet to get in the way of true love, right?
But then...
"Longshanks, that had almost no effect.
Here, watch those silly wounds get wrecked!"
Swaggy uses his standard action and two spellpoints to heal Batry with the cure spell.
Sine he used a second spellpoint, he switches rhymes to a fitting ballad of love between crossbow and old man.
"So I said, what about, a hot date with Tiffany?
And she said “I think I remember the spill”
And as I recall I think, his neck kinda liked it.
And I said “Well, that’s one guy she shot.”
'Wamba quickly grows bored with looking at the knife she took, and she lets it fall from her hands. She suddenly realizes that her teeth are on fire! Or that her mouth is or something. Must be all that bufo she drank. Anyway, they cause sparks as she gnashes them, and so she chomps down hard on the elf-shanks's neck.
The shot fired almost as if Tiffany truly had a mind of her own.
Sadly that meant there was no real attention to aiming and the shot went wide.
Snookums appeared to be rather annoyed by the old man just leaving her behind and decided to follow at high speed.
A bit too high a speed it seemed as once more her attempt at slamming into her target failed.
Meanwhile Batry grumbled again. For some reason Tiffany had gotten impatient. So he deliberately took his time reloading her and then aiming her while whispering calming words.
The whispers appeared to pay off but at the last moment she swerved just a tiny bit. The result was that the bolt still hit but it by far wasn't as devastating as it could have been.
Bleeding, on fire, and overburdened by the weight of too many daggers (to say nothing of the rather plump Goblin on her shoulders), the elfshanks is the next to meet her doom. Only the oldshanks remains. He seems confused as he continues to back away - unleashing a torrent of fire at Snookums in the process. "This can't be right! We were supposed to save the town. The book said so!" Clearly his mind is melting due to your awesomeness.
For such a big beast Snookums is remarkably agile and she manages to dodge the brunt of the old man's attacks. She's not very amused though and closes in once more.
This time she does connect. Perhaps it's her annoyance at being set aflame, perhaps it's just luck. Either way the blow connects.
Meanwhile Batry is torn between anger and curiosity. A book that said the longshanks would win? He needed that book! There would be much to learn from it. First he needed to finish this though. No one hurt Snookums and got away with it!
The anger translated into a laser focus and the bolt hit it's mark straight on.