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Now that the U.S. is a post factual nation, and "Alternative Facts" are to be believed without any critical thought, let's write our biographies with Alternative Facts. Consider it a contest to see who has the best facts, because we have the very best facts here, so good you wouldn't believe it folks.
Scythia was born in a treehouse overlooking the Ohio river. At a young age, she displayed a tremendous aptitude for turtle calling, eventually propelling her to a full ride scholarship at John Carroll University. After graduating with three concurrent doctorates, she went on to revolutionize the decor of dive bars by inventing flooring that came pre-soaked with stale beer. She later became internet famous when a video was posted to YouTube from when she arm wrestled with the Mothman during an Appalachian holiday. In the late 80s, she was recognized by Better Homes and Gardens for disproving "cogito ergo sum" when she showed that while she thought, to the point of overthinking, she did not in fact exist.
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Kobold Cleaver was a prodigy—at age 13, he was accepted into Barack Obama's secret Star Trek Academy for the Gifted Kobolds. After receiving a personalized certificate of superiority from Sebastian, he went on to confirm Einstein's Theory of Relativity and render it the Fact of Relativity: the scientific tier above ordinary theories, like global warming and evolution. Alas, at a tender 21 years, Kobold Cleaver's greatness would be snuffed out. He was one of the thirty-seven victims of the Bowling Green Massacre. Survivors of the Massacre attested that he personally carried ten other victims out of the wreckage before succumbing to his own brutal injuries. He was posthumously awarded the Pulitzer Peace Prize by President Hillary Clinton. Later on, Captain Yesterday would tell his son, Captain Kobold Sharoth Yesterday, "My son, you were named after two of the bravest kobolds I ever knew."
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At the age of six, Sissyl was abducted by aliens. For most people, this would be a horrible time of torture, and stuff done to their bodily openings. Not so for Sissyl. She grabbed a thingamajig from the aliens and pressed the big red button on it, which released her and sent the aliens into a fit of pain. It did not take long for her to threaten more red button unless they got her ice cream, the biggest teddy bear, a pony, a crown, and seventeen pink rubies, all demanded through crayon paintings.
This set the tone of her life. The crown had to be returned, sadly. She graduated from Grand Poobah's Academy of Important People, a school set in a classic volcano base, at the age of 13. Since then, she has traveled the world, always setting up ways to take control when the day comes. She had classmates, of course, and neutralizing these has been a major focus of her life. A year later, she shut down the school through judicious use of violence.
Now, the scene has been set. Everything is ready for her ascent to supreme authority. The date has been chosen. And anyone that stands in her way had better be prepared to face her thingamajig and its big red button...
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I'm Hiding In Your Closet.
I have always been Hiding In Your Closet.
When Sol has at last exhausted its red giant phase, released its remaining gases in a cosmic windstorm that strips even the gas giants of their atmospheres, and settled into it's 'retirement' as a white dwarf...I will still be Hiding In Your Closet.
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I'm Hiding In Your Closet.
I have always been Hiding In Your Closet.
When Sol has at last exhausted its red giant phase, released its remaining gases in a cosmic windstorm that strips even the gas giants of their atmospheres, and settled into it's 'retirement' as a white dwarf...I will still be Hiding In Your Closet.
I must have missed the Alternative Facts here, this one checks out. :P
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Limey's mother was the biggest owl in the world, so unlike Monkey, who was hatched from an egg on a mountain top, LL was hatched from a mountaintop on an egg. The Annunaki immediately saw him, recognised his capacity for sweaty genius and changed him from the second biggest sweaty owl in the world into a sweaty elf. 500 years later, he became a more betterer sweaty wizard than Elminster and single-handedly cured the Spellplague by pleasuring Mystra into the middle of next Tuesday by the power of his mind alone.
After that, he discovered the secret Nazi base in the hollow earth and single-handedly destroyed it using the powers of Deadley Kung-Ratu and a sort of hook fauchard made from Wensleydale cheese, before drinking a cup of tea and receiving the Ronald Hargreaves Memorial Prize for Innovation In Stationary Procurement Logistics.
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Ser Beernorg was neither born nor conceived, but sprang fully formed, grown, and armed from the unbreakable willpower of a thousand climate change deniers. Not having had to go to school, or repay college loans to a knightly institution of higher swordplay, he immediately set out questing for proof that dodo's were in fact the most intelligent beings to have lived on earth, and that with the right combination of flash mob style interpretive dance moves they could be called back to our reality, and would usher in a new age of enlightenment and plenty.
Alas, Ser Beernorg was a knight, and not much of a dancer, so he quit his quest, took up Yoga, and now teachers plate armor hot yoga in Flushing, NY, to soccer moms and stock brokers. Rumors of plate armor yoga being hard are in fact true.