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For your next campaign...
JRR Tolkien- The Ringmaster LG
Sacred Texts- Several books, all of them are in Elvish and require Masters in Linguistics and a decoder ring to read.
Followers- The Ringmaster allows anyone to follow him...as long as they are British, Catholic, and swears an undying fatwah against the heretic Peter Jackson. Favored by Elves and Hobbits and Ian McKellans.
Sacred Weapons- A Shining sword forged in the fires of the old elvish masters, also Latin text books
Forbids- All technology invented after 1250 AD so no cell phones, cars, or penicillin. Moral relativism is also banned under pain of death.
CS Lewis- The Great Lion LG
Sacred Texts- There are several and you are gonna hate what happens to Susan at the end.
Followers- Children, animals, youth pastors who think "God is totally rad."
Sacred Weapons- Deep Magic, Santa will bring some at Christmas if you're good.
Forbids- Philip Pullman.
Madeline L'Engle- The Gardener of All Time NG
Sacred Texts- She has several but honestly you opened one and it got really complicated after the first chapter and you got kind of busy so you went back to reading Spider Man on the toilet but you are so totally gonna finish it eventually....at some point. Meanwhile, that weird Wiccan girl who sits behind you in Social Studies has read the books sixty times.
Followers- Time Lords, psychic hot lines, people who go to Ren Fair and say Blessed Be instead of good bye.
Sacred Weapons- Tesseracts, kything....I still don't know what that is.
Forbids- Nothing, this lady wrote an entire chapter where an Angel shaped like a ball of eyes explained how Shrimp Monsters become Trees to a Middle School Principal. Literally anything can happen.
Roald Dahl- The Giant NG
Sacred Texts- As series of books that seem very friendly and childlike on the surface but upon closer observation are actually horrifying and involve children being eaten, burned, transmogrified and drowned by reclusive billionaires and giant monsters.
Followers- Sadists, people who like chocolate, chocolate eating sadists
Sacred Weapons- Convincing people his books are childlike and innocent, Snozzberries.
Forbids- People who mention that in World War 2, Dahl was a British intelligence agent assigned to gather intel on anti British politicians in America and was asked to have sex with a senator's wife to get information. Like seriously, Winston Churchill, with quivering jowls, told the guy who wrote the BFG to bang some Beltway Trophy Wife and get paid for it.
Philip Pullman- He Who Doubts CG
Sacred Texts- They're hard to find because Pat Robertson keeps burning them.
Followers- People who hang out in coffee shops in Berkley and use words like "Oppressive Christian Oligarchs" and "Rethuglicans" while downloading Arcade Fire Songs, People who troll the internet by posting "F your imaginary sky bullies" in large capital letters, also Richard Dawkins
Sacred Weapons- Getting Christians to poop themselves, Talking Polar bears, Eva Green's boobs.
Forbids- Gods, religion. In fact, why are you worshipping him? No, stop that! Stop praying! The God of Atheism demands that you obediently stop worshipping him...you! You were praying, I saw it! No, don't be sorry. Stop apologizing...and stop calling me "Lord". Great, now you're bowing. Damn it. What? No, I am not going to smite you. Stop praying! I said stop praying! I don't exist, stop praying to a nonexistent...*sigh* No, I am not going to smite anyone, I have things to do...what? No you can't help, they are deity things. No, stop helping. I said stop...and now you're praying for forgiveness again. This is ridiculous.
Piers Anthony- Master of Xanth LN
Sacred Texts- There are a lot of them and they all describe a mystical land that looks like Florida and is filled with magic and monsters and terrible strife just like real Florida.
Followers- People with a lot of time on their hands, paper mills.
Sacred Weapons- Paperbacks and also peninsulas (dude LOVES peninsulas!)
Forbids- Skipping a book, he wants you to read them all.
Isaac Asimov and William Gibson- The Machine Gods N
Sacred Texts- This is false. The word "Texts" implies that you are supposed to read these as a book and not as a downloadable PDF on your tablet.
Followers- Robots, Cyborgs, People who have taken meth so they can study harder for the MIT entrance exam, Keanu Reeves
Sacred Weapons- They have no sacred weapon, They have built a machine to build a robot that will one day become smart enough to build a sacred weapon.
Forbids- People who call it "Linux" instead of "GNULinux"
Robert E. Howard- Crom CN
Sacred Texts- Precious Few, though one day they shall rise up and become king by their own hand.
Followers- People who hate society, people who hate magic users, people who wanted to find a writer who was less creepy than John Norman but more sexual than Tolkien.
Sacred Weapons- Republicans in Loincloths!
Forbids- Your weak willed words, coward!
George RR. Martin- The Lord of Darkness LE
Sacred Texts- They will be finished when they're finished, stop f%~+ing asking!
Followers- He has no followers, only slaves.
Sacred Weapons- Nudity, incest, blood, your tears.
Forbids- Good guys, winning, happy endings, your joy.
Stephen King- The Hound of Darkness NE
Sacred Texts- A few, yes.
Followers- Your excrement as it leaves your body.
Sacred Weapons- A gun, which sat in the Gunslinger's holster as he pursued the Man in Black... You know what? Read the book.
Forbids- Making good movies out of his work, apparently it isn't that easy to do.
HP Lovecraft- The Father of Monsters NE
Sacred Texts- They are hard to read, rambling and at the end you will never want to go to New England. Ever.
Followers- The gibbering madness of a thousand screaming lunatics, Dan Akroyd
Sacred Weapons- A thousand chaotic monster gods that live in his typewriter, a general sense of overwhelming dread.
Forbids- Black people, women, Jews, Arabs, Christians, atheists, Muslims, the Irish, Germans, Asians, and apparently psychiatrists.
JK Rowling- She Who Cannot be Named CE
Sacred Texts- Draco/Hermoine fan fiction that is some how also Draco/ Harry slash fiction.
Followers- None would dare, except for all of those cute children and pre teens.
Sacred Weapons.- Her check book. Except she's British so she I think she spells it Cheque.
Forbids- Muggles, copyright infringement.
Steven Ericsson, The Endless Carnage, NE
Holy Phrase: "Timeline is not important"
Sacred Texts: Ten books of senseless deaths.
Followers: Archaeologists, bitter but goldhearted soldiers, assassins, and magicians, disillusioned and reluctant gods, scheming gods, friendly demons, velociraptors with lightning guns.
Sacred Weapons: Unrestrained magical power. Falling pieces of shattered moons, velociraptors with lightning guns, bound gods.
Forbids: Describing events in order, writing down history objectively.
Philip K Dick, The Addled, CN
Sacred Texts: Dozens of befuddled stories and novels.
Followers: Schizophrenics, people who abused LSD and other drugs in sixties, paranoids, people with memory disorders.
Sacred Weapons: Implanted false identity, you are not who you think you are. Drug injector.
Forbids: Stalking him. No you can not secretly watch him, nor follow him, nor send him anonymous letters. Also forbids being a communist intelligence committee spy.
Stanisław Lem, The Many, The Hive-mind spy-god, LE
Sacred Texts: Too varied and numerous to be drawn by single entity.
Followers: Communist spies, robots, spacefarers, spacefarers that went slightly delusional from extended periods of loneliness in space, robot-scientists.
Sacred Weapon: Dragon robots, non-humanoid intelligence ocean, microbot swarms.
Forbids: Stupidity on internet.
Philip K Dick, The Addled, CN
Sacred Texts: Dozens of befuddled stories and novels.
Followers: Schizophrenics, people who abused LSD and other drugs in sixties, paranoids, people with memory disorders.
Sacred Weapons: Implanted false identity, you are not who you think you are. Drug injector.
Forbids: Stalking him. No you can not secretly watch him, nor follow him, nor send him anonymous letters. Also forbids being a communist intelligence committee spy.
Philip K. Dick, for the sophisticated drug fueled paranoid.