Since I live in a city, in an appartment, with no reliable personal transportation, the closest I can come to screaming off a mountain is anonymous forum posts. Scream off this mountain if you desire to as well! I'm hardly looking for answers, just getting some emotions out there in the world.
Spoiler:
So, I’ve been a fairly introverted/solitary person for quite a while now. Long story short, some shit happened when I was a kid, got scared of people in general, had to learn to “live” on my lonesome.
Post-secondary education allowed me to come out of that whole, allowing me to make friends with similar tastes, in similar fields, though no close friends (which is something I feel I distinctly lack). Took me a fairly long time to consider them friends though. At the time, I was busy enough with schoolwork that a lot of things simply didn’t stay in my mind. I had better stuff to do. And I liked what I did. Despite still being a basically solitary & introverted person, I was able to get a lot more comfortable around people.
Now I’m doing graduate studies in something I love, no money worries (though hardly well off either), but it’s in a different city, so obviously lose most of the friends I made. Like I said, we weren’t “close” friends (though some were closer than other), so lack of convenience or shared online activities means I have effectively lost them. I have a lot more free time than during my undergrad, but nothing to do with it. I’ve gotten very involved in the local university gaming club, making “friends”, gaming a lot. It’s nice to have non-work/school friends to deal with, and it allows me to socialize doing something that interests me. But it’s only so much time.
While I do seem to be leading something that, to my teenage self, might have been seen as a charmed life, it’s never enough is it. The free time has unfortunately got me back into the ruminations of my younger self, turning over ideas in my mind for longer than they should be, leaving nothing but the problems. Luckily, I’m not in a bad space, so it isn’t destructive. It’s mainly distracting.
The lack of close friends is particularly aggravating, and the fact that I’m far from my close family only worsens it. I’ve got no sense of physical or emotional intimacy. I haven’t gotten more than a handshake in the last month. It gets to you, you know? And talking to someone over the phone, or skype, just doesn’t feel right. And doesn’t deal with the lack of physical intimacy.
And that’s not even counting sexual frustration. As you can probably guess I’ve never been in a couple. In my last year of undergrad I got the courage to ask out a few people that interested me (no reciprocation unfortunately), and I was happy with myself at the time for at least putting myself out there. But I have a hard time finding people who interest me from the get-go. A person can be very outwardly attractive (both in personality & physique), and while that’s nice, I just can’t care enough to ask someone out until I get to know them some (sorry folks, but 99% of us just aren’t that interesting, me included). I just don’t have a lot of normal contact with the opposite sex, so statistically I’m unlikely to meet someone that interests me in the first place. And the usual masturbation just doesn’t feel quite satisfying recently (though its quality can be improved). I want to put myself out there more, but my own moral stance against going after someone purely for sex (which I honestly don’t think I could successfully pull off anyway) is conflicting with growing lust. It’s been cycling up & down over the last few years, and each time it’s getting more significant. And that’s on top of the whole “I don’t really think I can attract anyone anyway” thing. If I could find somebody that interests me in the first place.
Guess this is as close I can get to shouting off the top of a mountain without having a mountain. Don’t mind if anyone else shouts back.
On the one hand, I am not at all trying to say you shouldn't make such threads, but on the other hand, if you're looking for a support network, may I recommend...
Eh, I'm just shouting off the mountain. I'm not in a awful place in my life, I've just got issues that I dont really have anybody to discuss with but that I still need off of my chest. Support group isnt really needed, just the patience to get out of the situation the right way.
I simply cant debate on the internet. So much of human communication is done through not-words that it's never satisfying, even when people are being civil. It gets especially nasty when people start arguing using a word with either MULTIPLE meanings or a VAGUE/WIDE meaning. It leads to people not understanding each other any more and to a lot of hurtfullness all around. Never seems constructive.
This is vaguely related to a promise I made myself after teenage-hood. I have just got to stop whining. I've never seen anybody respond positively to it; you either dont get what you want, or you get what you want and the other person resents you for it. I wont get angry at others for whining, but it does get very grating when they never seem to stop. They might be perfectly happy, but why do they have this constant need to dump their problems on those closest to them? Especially things we have no power over. It tires me. I guess I'm whining here too. Sigh.
I think Doodlebug was mentioning a thread on the boards which we post too a fair amount in which people rant about things that annoy them and people respond. It is fun and cathartic. Just in case you are interested.
I think Doodlebug was mentioning a thread on the boards which we post too a fair amount in which people rant about things that annoy them and people respond. It is fun and cathartic. Just in case you are interested.
I guess I'm not a fan of catharsis. I checked out the thread, but it simply isnt the type of "rant" I'm into, if what I'm doing is even a rant and not just mental vomit.
Edit: while the original description of catharsis is appealing, most modern conceptions of catharsis seems to be rather more violent than I enjoy.
In the end, I’m posting this here because I want to get it off my chest and I don’t really have anyone I’m comfortable enough with to talk about these things. So imagine I’m doing as my namesake.
Spoiler:
Guess I need to get a bit more off my chest. I guess my own lack of sexual satisfaction is getting to me. As mentioned before, being in a field where there aren’t a lot of people of my gender of interest, I’m unlikely to meet someone, etc. I know I need to show patience, get out there a little more maybe (I’m better than I was before, but that aint saying much). Try to meet someone.
Nonetheless the urges have twisted me in weird ways. I’ve always masturbated (since WELL before I even knew what it was) but lately frequency has spiked. It doesn’t interfere with life but it is a lot more than I normally do. Plus, it’s coming out in weird ways, especially in my character creation lately (a lot more sexy characters than usual) and I’m really hoping that it doesn’t affect my behavior in public.
I’ve tried some stuff… reading more erotica (god erotica writers are awful) instead of the usual porn. There’s THIS in an attempt to not keep it bottled inside. It really bugs me that I have nobody to discuss this with. I just don’t feel comfortable with family (we aren’t very sexually expressive people, and the idea of talking about it is very uncomfortable), and I don’t really have any close friends (that thought actually makes me cry a little). And my horniness is getting frustrating. Very much so.
It is getting increasingly irritating. Hopefully it’s just winter getting to me. I don’t want to lose self-control. Loneliness (despite the fact that I probably have more general social interaction than before) is getting to me. I’m feeling messed up.
Sorry shouting Off Mountain, tl;dr. That said I would like a platform to rant.
I imagine the other users of the internet as a bunch of hornets at keyboards. I'm guilty too, but alot of interaction over the internet is thinly veiled or open hostility. This is many times over what I see irl, where people are generally courteous and friendly./rant off
I understand. I tend to write walls of text. There are already a number of rant threads, I guess I see this as a place to get things off your chest. Not everyone has someone to talk to, so anonymity is as good as anything else I guess.
