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Here, let me start.
Archangel Gabriel is coming to the annual inspection of hell. The devil greets him and starts showing him around. He brings him in front of a pool of boiling oil with demons pushing people back in with pitchforks.
"Who's in the pool" asks Gabriel.
"Russians." Answers the Devil. "They're a feisty lot. Needs a lot of demons to keep them under."
The archangel nods in approval and they move on, coming in front of a second pool with even more demons around it.
"And this one?", asks Gabriel
"Americans, they are even worse. But we manage to keep them down somehow"
Then they come in front of a third pool. No demons are present, yet nobody surfaces.
"This one empty?" asks gabriel.
"No", answers the devil:"Its full of Serbs."
"Why are there no demons around it?"
"There need not be any. Whenever one of them tries to swim up, the others pull him down again."
It might apply to all Slavic folks... I recall something very similar about Poles.
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Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,"Someone should go and tell his wife." Macca says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says,"Where did you get that, Macca?"
"Chook's missus gave it to me." "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Macca says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Chook`s widow."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a slab"
*Slab
A carton of beer. Or box of 24 stubbies or cans
*VB
A brand of beer
*Stubbie
A small stubby bottle of beer
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Germans do not joke.
Does that mean Berliners aren't Germans?
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A German; a Frenchman; An American and a Mexican are on a plane. The plane has engine trouble and will crash unless the weight is lessened. After throwing everything out it is still too heavy. There are no parachutes. The Frenchman offers to jump to his death to save the others. As he goes he shouts "Viva la Franch!" The plane is still to heavy so the German volunteers to jump. "For the Fatherland!". The plane is still to heavy and the Mexican and American look at each other. The American looks toward the door and then shoves the Mexican out shouting "Remember the Alamo!" The American was from Texas.
alternative ending ...
The plane is still too heavy. The Mexican and American look at each other. They then go to the cockpit, grab the Canadian pilot and throw him out.
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Texans aren't American. They're Texan.
Germans do not joke.
My thought exactly. Germans are known for not having any humor.
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"The English find their humor in the drawing room, the French in the bedroom and the Germans in the bathroom."
I forget where I got that from.
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"The English find their humor in the drawing room, the French in the bedroom and the Germans in the bathroom."
I forget where I got that from.
The Germans are responsible for all those "don't look up here the joke's in your hand" scribblings on the walls of men's rooms around the US?!?!?!
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The Germans are responsible for all those "don't look up here the joke's in your hand" scribblings on the walls of men's rooms around the US?!?!?!"The English find their humor in the drawing room, the French in the bedroom and the Germans in the bathroom."
I forget where I got that from.
Well, as many US citizens have german ancestors, I see how this might have happened.
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Does that mean Berliners aren't Germans?Well, they are a German pastry ... do pastries joke?
<ducks from the incoming pie-to-the-face to prove pastries do, in fact, joke>
They are called pancakes. Don't ask me why, but everyone else does it wrong.
A German; a Frenchman; An American and a Mexican are on a plane. The plane has engine trouble and will crash unless the weight is lessened. After throwing everything out it is still too heavy. There are no parachutes. The Frenchman offers to jump to his death to save the others. As he goes he shouts "Viva la Franch!" The plane is still to heavy so the German volunteers to jump. "For the Fatherland!". The plane is still to heavy and the Mexican and American look at each other. The American looks toward the door and then shoves the Mexican out shouting "Remember the Alamo!" The American was from Texas.
alternative ending ...
The plane is still too heavy. The Mexican and American look at each other. They then go to the cockpit, grab the Canadian pilot and throw him out.
Actually, while the Frenchman volunteered to die first (because of course he did), the German WOULD TAKE OVER THE PLANE!
*ahem*
I don't know what got into me there. Sorry. I mean the German would quickly convince the other two that they'd have to jump instead of him.
As much as it ever does/has...
RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16
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A German; a Frenchman;
Oh there's lots of good French and German jokes.
For instance, I just went on a temporary duty assignment in Germany. As I was leaving, my wife admonished me, "try not to invade France!" [true story bro]
Why are there trees along the Champs d'Elysees? Because Germans like to march in the shade.
FOR SALE: French FAMAS military rifle. Never fired. Only dropped once.
Not so many good American jokes that I know. But we have plenty of jokes about all the various ethnicities that make up the US. As it is impolite to make ethnic jokes about ethnicities other than your own, I will share an old Scotsman joke.
As an old Scotsman was standing up from using the outhouse, out from his sporran fell a quarter, bounced off the rim, and down the hole. He looked woefully after it and said to himself, "Och! I wouldna gae doon there for only a quarter!" Thinking a moment, he fished another quarter out of his sporran and threw it in. "But for fifty cents, aye!"
Never understood why people thought french are cowards, when they actually never really lost a war.
Oh, no?
What if it's the last battle in a decade-long war?
But, for the record, I've never thought the French were cowards, either.
Battles sure, but wars... well aside from the hundred year war...and maybe the thing with Napoleon invading Russia, but i can't think of another.Never understood why people thought french are cowards, when they actually never really lost a war.Oh, no?
And people tend to forget they helped out in the American Revolution. Of course the AR led to a much darker FR.
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Battles sure, but wars... well aside from the hundred year war...and maybe the thing with Napoleon invading Russia, but i can't think of another.Never understood why people thought french are cowards, when they actually never really lost a war.Oh, no?
It must be said that until the twentieth century the French had a pretty decent military record. Not as good as "never really lost a war", but certainly respectable.
Napoleon was defeated twice by an alliance of countries, not just in Russia,,..but its noteworthy that it basically took an alliance of most of Europe just to defeat him. Thats a big gang against just one guy.
Some respected military scholars think the only reason he lost at Waterloo was because of a lucky break for the allies (caused by an allied commander deliberately turning up late because he hated Wellington).
Most of their other french defeats were only temporary, although from the tudor age onwards the Brits tended to do reasonably well against them due to the fact that the french were great on land but poor at sea.
The French did, however, rather get their butts kicked in WWII , due to poor leadership (both military and political) but frankly anyone who thinks the french are cowards should read true life stories of the Resistance.
Besides, I dont think the French have a reputation for cowardice. Being unfriendly to non-francophones maybe, (but while I had some bad experiences with that twenty years ago, my more recent experiences suggests thats improved a great deal too).
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Back to jokes (apologies for the double post, but seemed sensible comsidering the change of subject).
Q: What do you call an Englishman who is in the World Cup finals ?
A: The Referee.
Q. Englishman to Scot : "If you take away your friendliness, your mountains, glens & lochs what have you got?"
A: "England" replied the Scot.
Q. Why wasnt Jesus born in England
A. They couldnt find a virgin, let alone 3 wise men.
."An Englishmen is on the green of a golf course about to take a putt. Suddenly, a funeral procession passes. The Englishman raises his hat as the cortege passes as if in deep reflection
. 'I never knew a man such as yourself was such a gentleman!' exclaimed his playing partner, to which the Englishman responds 'Well, we were married for 40 years!'
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Italian, Spaniard and Pole speak about their cathedrals.
Italian: Our cathedrals are huge! The altarboy has to take a kayak and swim through liquid wax to extinguish candles.
Spaniard: That's big but not as big as ours! Our cathedrals are so colossal that the priest has to drive a car inside the church with collection plate.
Polish: That's nothing! Our cathedrals are so big that brides birth children before they reach altar.
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Not so many good American jokes that I know.
Of course not Charlie, you're American!
There's always stuff along the lines of:
"What do you call and American with PhDs in both Physics and Chemistry?"
"Stupid American."
Funny thing is there may be some truth to that.
How is it we are known for Nobel Laureates and lawnmower deaths???
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There's nothing funny about America.
..... Or the Republican Party.
................. Or my former glorious leader.
Nothing.
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How is it we are known for Nobel Laureates and lawnmower deaths???
Int and wisdom are two different stats.
How is it we are known for Nobel Laureates and lawnmower deaths???
Int and wisdom are two different stats.
Maybe theres a serial kller who likes to murder Nobel Laureattes with lawnmowers.?
Dont get me started on that map. The stat given for the Uk is nonsense.
We have one extreme right party and its an extremely fringe group, unlike in france and especially Greece at the moment.....so leading the world in fascist groups is a ridiculous claim.
Leading the world in ignoring serious issues like our citizens starving , worrying instead about the size of custard cream biscuits ...that we certainly do.
Sweden is, apparently, world leader in Atheism. Yay us!
"The English find their humor in the drawing room, the French in the bedroom and the Germans in the bathroom."
I forget where I got that from.
Why is architecture so funny to the English?
OH!.. right, all those countries they caused to devolve into endless wars by drawing up lines on the map to specifically squish together people who hated each other.
Sweden is, apparently, world leader in Atheism. Yay us!
Great... Germany is best at almost winning the world cup. That's a good joke!
I'm just going to leave the SATW comic here!
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A famous German satiric during WW2, Werner Fink , who suffered repercussions for his jokes about the Nazi regime, opened his first stage act after he was forbidden to work on stage for two years wit the followin joke:
He came to an empty stage, bearing official pictures of Hitler, Goering and several other Nazi leaders. He leaned them against the back, looked at them, held them up, looked at them, for a few minutes he continued. Finally he turned to his audience and said: Now that they let me do work again, I am not quite sure if I should hang them up or put them up against the wall.
Later, after joining the Wehrmacht as the only way he saw to be arrested (again) and this time probably executed, some officers let him work for troup entertainment. One of his jokes was about his recent arrest. He claimed he didn't know why he was arrested, but that the officer that did simply misunderstood him. On his way close to the French border, he had an accident close to a farm where he ran over a pig. He felt terribly sorry, stormed into the nearby farmhouse to tell the farmer. Only then did he realize, the farm was occupied by a german regiment. Seeing the commanding officer, he got nervous and said 'Hail Hitler, the swine is dead!'.
I am still looking for contemporary German jokes, but I am sure I will find them ;-)
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I do recall reading one some 15 or 16 years back that's to do with the reunification process.
"We are one nation," says the East Germans
"We too!" the West Germans replies.
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."An Englishmen is on the green of a golf course about to take a putt. Suddenly, a funeral procession passes. The Englishman raises his hat as the cortege passes as if in deep reflection
. 'I never knew a man such as yourself was such a gentleman!' exclaimed his playing partner, to which the Englishman responds 'Well, we were married for 40 years!'
Hee hee!
I have been wracking my head trying to think about jokes about Americans, but someone above was correct: most of our jokes are about a segment of our population, because we are a bunch of racist jerks.
The only one I can think of, and I've posted it before is:
What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual.
What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual.
What do you call someone who speaks only one language? American.
What do you call someone who speaks three languages? Trilingual.
What do you call someone who speaks two languages? Bilingual.
What do you call someone who speaks only one language? American.
Heh. I was trying to think of that.
There's a good reason for this that our European friends just don't seem to get... America is huge. Freaking. Huge. I need to drive 8 hours just to hit a country where SOME people speak french and my state BORDERS Canada. Its not fair to think Americans don't travel because we don't leave the country, or that we're stupid for not learning extra languages because we have a lot less NEED to. if you live in switzerland you're spitting distance from needing to shop in 5 languages. In america not so much.
Woah. Deja-vu.
Woah. Deja-vu.
I'm nothing if not consistant in my rants!
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The English are also famous for being ignorant of other languages, despite being steps away from the rich and varied tongues spoken on the continent (not to mention Welsh, Manx, Gaelic, Cornish and so on), no doubt a hangover from the days when we could just bellow at people until they gave up and did what we wanted (still a popular tactic) or else we'd send in the Navy.
The Spanish are supposed to be similarly monolingual, though I don't know whether or not that's at all fair.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are about to be executed by firing squad. The officer in charge comes up to speak to the three:
"OK, scum - you've got one last request before I send your miserable souls to hell! What'll it be - you first, Paddy!"
"I'll have a girl and a crate of Guinness"
"You only get ONE request, pig-dog!"
"Just the Guinness, then"
The officer gives the order and an orderly goes off to fetch the Guinness. Then he turns to the Scotsman: "Well, Jock?"
"I'll have a punnet o'strawberries"
"But it's December! Strawberries aren't in season for another six months!"
"That's OK. I can wait"
At last, he turns to the Englishman. "And what about you, Tommy?"
"I wish to join the Conservative Party"
The officer looks stunned. "Why?"
"Because then I know, when I die, that the world will be rid of a *******!"
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Very true, how many other countries have so much space that you can drive 15 hours in a (mostly) straight line and still be in your borders? Not many. MI to boston was such a long drive...
Of course, Mississippians and Bostonians have a hard enough time understanding each other's speech without throwing another language into the mix...
Just gonna leave this here. Note that the guy is swedish.
I'm glad to see that his turn in The Big Lebowski didn't lead to any typecasting or nothin'...
This one was pretty good:
Poll: Majority of Americans Approve of Sending Congress to Syria
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This one was pretty good:
Poll: Majority of Americans Approve of Sending Congress to Syria
Haven't the people of syria suffered enough?