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Chauncey, a paladin, uses Lay on Hands to heal Dwarf fighter Annika
Chauncey: BY THE POWER OF ALERIA, YOU ARE HEALED!
*cures 1 hp*
DM (to Annika): You're honestly not sure if you've been healed at all.
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"You can't take take a necromancer to a graveyard that's like taking a kid to a candy store except all the candy is filled with razor blades." - Our fighter after our necromancer raised a paladin by accident
Wait... how did you raise a paladin by accident?
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Last night, the party went on an expedition into a part of the forest that was under the control of an evil fey. The fey, a skin stealer who had acquired immense magical power, was transforming the woods into what vermin-focused druid Eric kept referring to as the "Meat Forest". The trees became bone, the ground was slimy flesh, the rivers ran with blood, and there was a nasty, sweaty mist over the whole place. All the animals had been turned homicidal, and Eric was forced to kill several vermin (very special animals to him), and he just got more and more fed up with the Meat Forest.
Finally, we met the skin stealer on an island (a malformed, giant face) in the middle of a lake of blood, and Eric just lost it.
Eric Droverson: I have had it up to HERE with you and your f*cking meat forest! The ground bruises if you step on it too hard! It bruises! Soil should never do that! Your trees are made of bone, your dirt's made of meat and... *lifts boot up, trailing slime* ...and I don't even wanna know what this sh*t is. Furthermore, I've seen more vermin in the last DAY than I've seen in my entire time adventuring with these idiots *indicates party* and thanks to you, I have to had to kill EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM! YOU are MAKING ME BEAT! UP! VERMIN!
Skin Stealer: So I take it you don't like the changes I've made to the forest.
Eric: *inarticulate screams of rage*
As we made our way through a dungeon filled with undead, having just survived a fight in which Eric was pummeled by advanced mummies...
Thorn: Eric, what's up with you? Why are you so tense?
Eric: I'm tense because every time I turn a corner, SOMETHING PUNCHES ME IN THE FACE!
Annika (OoC): I punch him in the face.
Later, we faced the lich at the heart of the dungeon. Two party members died, but finally Annika got in close and opened an industrial strength can of whoopass on the thing.
Annika: Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma. *epic beatdown*
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"You can't take take a necromancer to a graveyard that's like taking a kid to a candy store except all the candy is filled with razor blades." - Our fighter after our necromancer raised a paladin by accidentWait... how did you raise a paladin by accident?
I'm betting on the thoroughly-rested-in-the-afterlife paladin taking advantage of "you're being restored to life by [whatever] Evil person. Do you accept the [return to life] spell? "
" Why yes, *schling*, yes I do. "
*raises*
" Hi, I'm ... "
" SMITE EVIL!!! " *schlorp*
;)
I've already posted these on another forum here on Paizo but thought I'd share them here because they do seem to fit so here's some links to some rather humorous things from the goblin sorcerer in the Carrion Crown adventure I am running.
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The party found themselves facing a red jester on a castle parapet. The monster opened with its fear cackle, and druid Eric and fighter Jason Thrustsword failed their saves, running screaming down the stairs behind them. Eric's vermin companion, a giant spider named Boudicca, was immune to the fear cackle but followed Eric anyway because...that's what she does when she hasn't been given a command.
3 rounds later, Eric stops running and screaming, thoroughly winded.
Eric: "Whew! *wheeze* That was terrifying." *gasp*
*looks over to see Boudicca just staring at him*
Eric: "Don't you *pant* judge me!"
Later in that fight, the red jester's Deck of Many Things attack backfired on him horrendously, as one of the cards granted the meek and shy rogue Wishes, which she used to turn herself into a Huge gold dragon.
Red Jester: "That did not go the way I planned..."
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A couple of years ago I had an itch for some old school gaming so I ran a short 3 adventure module for my group of 2e set in the Forgotten Realms. The group: Female Human Fighter/Barbarian, male Dwarven fighter thief with an int of 6, Male elf fighter with a couple of kits, making him the hoitiest toitiest gold elf ever, but he had the charisma to pull it off, and a cleric of helm.
Any time the dwarf said anything the elf would rip on him with a short joke, stumpy joke, you name it. Smug fighter is smug. Group is going through an area, finds a secret door, checks for traps, finds the traps, thinks he disarms it. They open the door and a cloud of sleep gas gets to them, the elf and cleric make their saving throws, the dwarf and human fighter pass out. When the party wakes up they find the elf smoking a cigar...
Dwarf"So what, you fondled and did things to the lady?"[/b]
Elf (with french accent because it fit at the time)"Who said it was the girl?"
Whole table busts a gut laughing, the dwarf player has a look on his face that is like a silent scream/oh what did you do to me. To this day the elf player still has his character sheet. It was fantastic.
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Me: I dunno, I just heard Bryan say "I need to buy cosplay, I need to buy bullets."
(last Monday, during a rather abstract game)
Ziggy: You're giving me a shortsword? What the hell am I supposed to do with a shortsword?
Matt: ...Stab him with it?
Cory: Stab him nonlethally!
(us, getting ready to fight a powerful Winter Court fey in our V20 game)
Mike: An icebox! We can bind the Snow Queen!
Me: ...Did I just get out of the bathroom to hear you guys say you're going to shove a woman into a refrigerator?
Mike: No, we're going to buy an icebox and bind her soul to it for all eternity. Or until it breaks.
Cory: Do you know how easy a fridge breaks? "Broken" could be as simple as "the hinge broke."
Mike: Eh, whatever, we're just going to mail the f*~&ing thing to Abu Dhabi anyway. She can be the snow queen of Saudi Arabia.
Matt: She can just teleport back! She's a fey!
Mike: Then a stuffed animal. Those are next to impossible to destroy.
Me: Congratulations, Mike, you just invented Freddy Fazbear.
(from the same game)
Mike: Does anybody have dots in Academics? Nokturo's from before public-subsidized schooling was invented.
Cory: They had an Academics skill in Dark Ages: Vampire!
(the same game)
Cory: Well, Tremere himself made it up to Third Generation, but only because he diablerized Saulot. Nobody ever diablerized up to Second Generation.
Bryan: Challenge accepted. :D
Chrissy: I just wanna point out, for once it's not the Assamite saying this.
(discussing possible Thaumaturgy paths in our Vampire game)
Damien: Oh, this path's gonna annoy you so much.
Cory: Which one?
Damien: Path of Green. I can talk to trees.
Chrissy: "Hang on a second, guys, lemme go talk to this ficus and see what she knows."
Cory: You talk to the oldest tree in the forest. "Hi. I remember there used to be a lot of trees. Then I was the only one. Then there were small buildings. Then there were large ones."
(From an extremely brutal battle in Giantslayer, just for variety)
Ziggy: Natural 20.
Cory: Oh, boy. Let's see if I'm dead.
Ziggy: (rolls) 15...
Cory: (raises arms) Hoor-
Ziggy: (adding modifiers) ...16... 17... 18...
Cory: (lowers arms, giving Ziggy double middle fingers) ...ay.
(more medical body horror from Giantslayer)
Me: Damien, I don't get it. I just got a hole punched through my shield and my hand, not a drop of blood. You get nicked by a falchion, you're bleeding all over the place and holding your guts in.
Damien: Snorb, I don't look at it as "getting nicked."
Mike: ROOK, WE GOT THIS! And meanwhile Damien's like (imitates bleeding through chest wound)
Me: (imitates drinking Cure Light Wounds potion through profusely bleeding neck wound)
(creative interpretation of the paladin code)
Mike: It's not breaking the paladin code if you're too stupid to realize you're breaking it.
(five minutes later)
Mike: It doesn't say anything in the paladin's code about eating intelligent evil creatures!
Cory: Eating an intelligent creature is an evil act. It's been on the forums. It can be raised.
Mike: Then it can watch me eat it! OM NOM NOM..... (sigh) Fine. Icegrinder will not eat delicious dead fish-people UNDER DURESS.
(discussing weaponry in Vampire)
Damien: ...Do you have any silver bullets for this?
Mike: It's a .50 cal! You don't NEED silver bullets! You just shoot garou with it!
(with artistic license taken for my amusement)
GM for Giantslayer: "You are not allowed to make a dwarf that can beat the end-boss to death, naked, with no ability score bonuses, using just a pet rock and one class feature."
Me: "Soooooo, my plan to fashion a masterwork pet rock that at the end-game is a +5 skullsmashing pet rock is also a no-go?"
GM: *sighs* " No villain should die by pet rock. Also, no magic pet rock. Dammit."