Best lines from players / characters

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This thread is dedicated to those awesome lines that either your players have made out of character or something memorable that they made in character.

I was inspired to post this thread because of the last game session my group played.

It had been a long time since we had played in this particular campaign, that i happen to be running, and one of the characters plays a rogue with an ability similar to the cut-purse's stab'n grab ability. Every time he makes an attack on somebody his tail reflexively steals something on the targets person.

I had forgotten this little trick of his, and at one point he was sneaking up on the heavily armored mega general who had been fabled to have never been struck in battle. So he waits outside the building he is in, studying his armor for weak spots. He eventually finds a fairly large gap that was near his spinal chord.

He moves in for the attack and rolls what equates to be a critical hit, so i ruled that he paralyzed him. He started to roll more dice and i told him "you dont have to roll damage, he is paralyzed".

Then he said back to me with the most pathetic sounding voice ever "but i have to steal something".

I laughed so hard i nearly pissed myself!

RPG Superstar 2011 Top 4

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One of my friends was DMing a homebrew campaign and there were some NPCs introducing a bad guy. They're like, "Delnas is a foul criminal responsible for one of this cites most atrocious crimes---"

Several of us ask what the crime was, and before he can reply I yell out, "NO, NOT THIRTY-TWO STAB TUESDAY?!"

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I had a friend who used to DM a 3.x campaign. He would occasionally trip his words up...especially when going for the triple word score.

For the longest time, emancipated(opposed to emaciated) zombies would crack us up. The concept of zombie Abraham Lincoln or zombie William Wallace moaning "Freeeeedooommmmm" was painful.

This was supplanted by an associate who had a fit of dyslexia on the phrase Demon Summoning. The concept of semen dumbening ended the game for the week.

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Last night in battle with the cultists of Razmir, a fight breaks out:

Druid: All religions are like this - these guys could be assassins from Abadar...

Cleric of Abadar: What?! No they aren't, shut up tree hugger!

Druid: C'mon, you guys will do anything for gold...

Cleric: Look, first of all, have you SEEN me operate a crossbow??

<Party murmurs assent>

Druid: Yeah, you suck, but the church could hire...

Cleric: Dammit, everybody worth stabbing we insure!!

And my nomination for worst pun:

Paladin: We should find out who they are first. I attempt a Knowledge Religion roll to find out their sect.

Ranger: Forget it! No sects before a fight.


Dark Archive

Becket wrote:

I had a friend who used to DM a 3.x campaign. He would occasionally trip his words up...especially when going for the triple word score.

For the longest time, emancipated(opposed to emaciated) zombies would crack us up.

That's a malapropism. It's fun to do those on purpose.

The best one i can remember was some time back now wee were deep in a roleplaying conversation between several key players in the campaign when one player yawns and says "Can we quit all this roleplaying and get on with the game!"

RPG Superstar 2014 Top 16

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A friend of mine was playing in a game in which the DM said, "Okay, there's one door to the left and two more doors to the right. What do you want to do?"

Without missing a beat, my friend the players said, "One does not simply walk into 'More-Doors'".'s a LotR joke...sigh*

From an old Shadowrun game.

Mage to Troll - "Stop shooting up the place, we aren’t getting paid for recreational violence."

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From a DnD 3.5 game about a year or so back:

On of the PCs has been given a quest by a god (find a lost island, or something). Two of the others PCs are ready to help him, while the other two aren't so inclined. When one of them asked the player why he wanted to find this island, the reply was: "I told to by a GOD! Do you know what happens if you refuse a GOD! Your d*ck falls OFF!!!!"

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This happened in a Forgotten Realms game a long time ago...

As the party stood at the edge of the clearing facing the ancient city of Myth Drannor, tending to their wounds and staring at the ruins of the once powerful Mythal, their newfound Gnomish friend described in detail the current state of the city...

"Demons and devils stalk the streets during the day and do far worse at night, torturing and killing those foolish enough to be caught outside after dark. Undead wights, ghouls and ghasts prey on unsuspecting innocents, and half-dragon humanoids have taken over the city and enslaved its citizens, their ultimate goal being the reawakening of the all powerful Dracolich sleeping beneath the Myth's ruins."

At this point, the party leader, Belden, turned to the gnome and asked "Which way to Cormyr?"

FUNNY! Our gaming group is called Which Way to Cormyr because of this quote.

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About 3 years ago playing rune quest one of the players character is seduced by the queen of a powerful king. She takes the character to her chamber and things escalate from there. The king then burst into the chamber with about 10 guards, the character then turns to them and in a serious voice says, “would you mind, I’m teaching her fertility cult secrets”…

Science Fiction game. Armored war robot had my character by the neck. One player-character drew his holdout pistol. The robot said:
"I can kill him before you can disable me."
Player-character opened fire. Robot kills my character.
GM says "I warned you."
Shooting player: "I thought he was bluffing."
Entire rest of the group: "Robots don't bluff!"

Lantern Lodge

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New group of players was meeting up with my old group.

New group - Barbarian (who's a mute) and a Druid/his Brown Bear (Druid is wild shaped into a Brown Bear as well and has a Torc of Animal Speech).

Walking up to the old group, the old group stops to let them by and as the new group is approaching them, our Druid (in bear shape)

"Hey, do you guys know which way it is to Waterdeep?"

After a moment the old group was like ... "Whaaaaa?"

Druid - "Oh, I mean RAWR, RAWR, RAWR! No, seriously, where's Waterdeep?"

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In a Call of Cthulhu d20 game. The party (of which I was a part, not the GM for once) were the last survivors on a British freighter being overrun by some god-awful terrible THING and its equally god-awful humanoid minions. The setting was WWII, and just when things looked their worst, we sighted the conning tower of a German U-Boat break the surface just a few yards away.

Before the GM could say anything else, one of the players yells, "It's the Nazis!!! We're saved!!"

Silver Crusade

Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

Minor Shackled City Spoilers:


In a Shackled City game, some Hobgoblins had tracked the PCs back to their pad on the surface. After killing off most of the Hobs, the Urban Druid tracked one to an alley, and managed to tie him up.

He began interrogating the Hob. The Hobgoblin spits at him:

"What if I don't talk. I know your kind, rescuing orphans and, do-gooding. You aren't going to hurt me."

The Urban Druid breaks the Hobgoblin's knee with his staff. The Hob starts screaming in agony.

"What?" Say the Urban Druid's player. "My character sheet says 'Neutral' not nice."

In one of my groups is a bard, a bit of a thief and mercenary (very "what's in it for me" attitude). Grabbed a magic ring from the corpse of a fallen enemy. With a quick appraisal managed to determine it was a ring of jumping.
Being a relatively new player he asked: "Oooh, what does it do?"
To which the Magus responds: "It makes you skip the next five magic items."

Surprised this thread hasn't taken on a life of its own...

2nd Lvl 3.5 game. We had just taken down an owlbear chained up to guard a teleportation gate, in a cavern with a door that was heavily runed that we obviously weren't supposed to go through. Of course we're try to get through the runed door.

My friend's character gets the bright idea of using the owl bear's corpse to trigger the runes, but rather that heave the corpse at the door, he picks it up and moves with it to the door, arm to arm, leg to leg, going "Rawr, Lookit me! I'm an Owlbear! Rawr!"

The resulting blast shredded the Owlbear, blew my friend back 20' into a wall, knocking him out.

Even now, ten years later, after the said player no longer games, we still use the line for doing someone really stupid...

Your honourable monk, you should take a level in knight. Monk/Knight.

So he would be a might?

He might.

Liberty's Edge

Palladium game.

The wizard finds an underground library and starts stabbing the books to find which ones are magical (ie immune to non-magical damage).

The rogue comes in and asks him why he is stabbing the books.

The wizard explains.

The rogue has an idea to do the checking real faster. He starts a fire using books as kindling. The books burn like cordwood. Soon there is a raging bonfire in the UNDERGROUND library. Smoke spreads everywhere.

Seeing this, the wizard runs to the only exit of the library and locks the door behind him, leaving the poor rogue in the flames he started.

While the rogue picks the lock, the wizard gets his crossbow out and aims. When the rogue opens the door, he is greeted by a crossbow bolt through the chest.

Mythus game (same group of players).

Our mission is to sabotage the enchanted colossus whose magics protect the city. We are all scratching our head for the beginning of an idea to no avail. The druid (same player as the rogue above) tells the party leader that he knows a spell that might help. Party leader gives him the go to cast the spell : "anything that can help us would be great". Druid goes to the feet of the colossus and starts casting Summon Hurricane. The whole party (except for the druid obviously) just burst into action to kill him before the storm he was invoking turned into a full-blown hurricane. IIRC the barbarian was the first on him, loping the druid's head off after the wizard stunned him to prevent him casting another spell.

The colossus' magics dispelled the hurricane before the rest of the party died.

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[wave of enemies approaches, group contemplates running]

Samurai: Fleeing is the cowards way out! These colors (points to his ancestral banner) don't run.

[wave of enemies gets closer and closer]


Samurai: However, they will engage in a tactical withdrawal to secure a more advantageous battlefield position.

Dark Archive

One of the barbarians was getting hit every swing at him and quickly draining the inquisitor's healing reserves. To try to take pressure off of him, I yelled out, "You fools! I'm the real threat here!" My Duskblade then did incredible damage with his arcane channel. It was my characters first hit after several rounds of fighting. I kept having to do nothing but double moves because the barbarian kept outrunning me to enemies and one hit killed almost everyone till he got up to the lieutenant who took more than one swing to kill and slowed him down. Next thing I know, the enemy leader turns invisible and gets his sneak attack off on me, add that it was a crit x3 and he had the ranged attack version of power attack and my uh went from a single wound on him while he still had over 75% HP and he was now put past the Negative threshold of death.

I was not really angry till I found out later, the climb over the wall should have been a DC 0 between our knotted rope and having a wall to brace against. When I falsely thought it was a DC 10 plus armor check penalty, I took off my brand new full plate for fear I would not be able to climb over the wall. Invading a fort wearing a chain shirt with only a 12. Dex and 1/3 of your feats based around fighting in heavy armor and then trying to attract aggro is a dangerous idea.

I was playing a CE Cleric of the god of death and destruction. During a "Mexican Standoff" I invited one the Paladins from the other side to visit my local temple. Upon visiting the temple, and seeing the mess, the Paladin asked if we ever had a Janitor visit the temple.

Without missing a beat I replied, "Yes, we ate one last week."


One of my friends has one line that has become sort of a catch phrase for him, and it always makes the rest of us smile (or facepalm, hard), and even the rest of us have begun to use it.

"It's okay, I've never died like this before!"


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My ex-halforc, now dwarf, barbarian got trapped on the wrong of a colossal monster that was rising out of a crack in the earth. He drew his +2 undeadbane greatsword and rammed it into the things shoulder, and held on for dear life. He rolled well on climb and acrobatics and managed to get up on the great sword, and then climb up on to it's massive shoulder. Having no other choice, he leapt 80 feet to the ground, leaving his 18000 gold weapon still buried in the monsters shoulder and made a run for it. Right about when I took the 8d6 fall damage, I remembered I had stocked up on mundane short spears, which could have served just as well.

That moment when I used a +3 weapon as glorified disposable scaffolding...

Scarab Sages

Several of the more recent stories haven't actually featured a spoken line of any kind, which was what the OP was looking for. Just saying. . .

Years ago our mostly evil party approachred a city that appeared to be half destroyed and abandoned while the other half seemed to be mostly intact and inhabited. We naturally chose to enter through a closed but unguarded gate (easily breached) on the uninhabited side. The courtyard immediately beyond he gate was filled with stakes, and upon each stake a person was impaled. Most of them were dead already, but as my character--a war-priest of Ares--rode through the grisly scene an old woman on one stake opened her eyes, looked at him and asked "my daughter. . . is she still alive?".

Without missing a beat, my PC turned his head to scan the forest of impaled bodies and asked "which stake is she on?". At that, the old woman let out an anguished groan and expired.

"I pants the orc."

-Rogue, no context needed

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I was running a Transworld fantasy game - Heroes from Earth and such in a fantasy world. One was a Jedi. The party coming through a deep dark tunnel and at the end and hears movement ouside - the party stops and the Jedi reaches out with his senses.
I describe the emotions that he gets (curiosity and fright mostly).
He turns to the party and says "I sense no hostility"

Then the player gets an ashen face and said "Oh my Lord, I'm turning into Deanna Troi!"

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Now is not a quote, but a funny story. Same player actually. Superhero game. His character has a number of abilities - one of them being growth (he can hit 18 feet or so).

In the adventure they are fighting things pulled from different time periods. This particular fight is with Thor. The player thinks "hmmm... strong guy, I need to be strong to deal with him" and he uses his growth.

He comes up to Thor, who sees him and bellows "GIANT!!"

The "Doh!" look on his face was priceless. He still considers that his worst tactical mistake when gaming - even if he led it into a great scene.

He had his revenge though. He was GMing, I was playing - this is also superheroes - I had a martial artist with dark energy powers, and I wanted to run a plot where she lost her powers and became a straight martial artist. He let me go all min-man power-game when I went evil (a lead in to losing powers). And I can power-game that system.

Months later we are fighting something that kills things with a similar effect to her old evil powers. It turns out the darkforce animated itself with evil intellect, and it was beating most of the party. Halfway through the fight I realize he's just using the write up I had as a player during my evil stint.

I look at him and exclaim, without thinking "That's not fair!"

He just gave me an evil grin.

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Yes, turning well made former pcs and strong player-made builds against pcs can lead to a great challenge.

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"Look! The Nazis! We're saved!"

Shouted as a U-Boat surfaced near our group's ship as it was about to be overrun by unknown creatures in a Call of Cthulhu game.

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Would only have been better if one had said as a follow up, "thank god we are not Jewish."

Last night, a player of a merc in a buddy-style mercenary party busted out this gold line when captured by hobgoblins:

We are men of honour, whose honour is for sale.

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We've had so many of these kinds of memorable lines, we have a whole thread for them for each campaign.

"Aaaaaaare yooooooou aaaaaa druuuuuiiiid?" - Lucas, a paranoid binder, to a donkey

"And... why did you attack the fountain?" - Helena, overly pragmatic LN knight
"There might be an elemental in there!" - Lucas

"He couldn't hit the broad side of the ground with gravity helping him, and you picked a fistfight with him!?" - Helena, to Zane (lawful stupid monk), talking about Lucas

"I don't speak sword...." - Zane, to Helena
"I do! She said 'P-p-p-piss off, Lou!'" - Lucas

"I have a dragon to deal with, creatures from an unspeakable beyond to barter with, I simply cannot fit a half-fiend into the schedule." - Lucas

"Okay, incalculable power or not, there are just some things I can't do." - Lucas
"No, that's what Mum's for." - Helena
"I think she just said that Mom's more powerful than God." - D (Dragonfire Adept who refuses to give out his name)

"Getting beat on by anything that has teeth... claws... tentac-Nope, not taking that job!!" - Lucas, considering taking Zane's role in combat

"The Iron Tower comes equipped with siege weaponry." - Lucas, describing Helena

"You're the party BOUNCER! Every once and a while you come across with this sort of 'You want I should rough him up a bit?' You drift from this whole 'I am in tune with divine forces that rule the universe; I am a finely honed instrument of physical perfection, spiritual purity, and emotional balance... QUIT DOING THAT! I am one with the universe... DO YOU WANT TO BE ONE WITH MY FIST!?'" - Lucas/OOC, describing Zael

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Near the end of our evil campaign, which in general was a joke goldmine (we figured the only way to play an evil game was to do it as black comedy), we came face to face with a star-spawn of Cthulhu, resulting in a truly massive battle.

While the party's wizards were keeping the star-spawn contained with their summons, and the synthesist was slashing at it, my mad pyro sorcerer (draconic bloodline [red dragon]; specialized in destructive evocation spells) was hitting it over and over again with empowered delayed blast fireballs, slowly but surely dealing damage it couldn't regenerate. The accursed thing kept making its Reflex saves (as you'd expect), but my hope was that if I kept forcing it to roll, sooner or later...

Finally, the star-spawn failed a Reflex save, at which point my fireball dealt well over 120 damage, freaking vaporizing the creature. The other players demanded some form of one-liner, resulting in:

Sorcerer: "Looks like...


( •_•)>⌐■−■


"...we won't get Cthuled again."


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My rogue, upon sneak-attacking a BBEG for like a bajillion damage - if he survives:

"I stabbed him with my steely knife...but I just can't...kill the beast!"

Honestly, I use that joke so often, the Eagles themselves have sent me a cease and desist.

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Some nights when you're GMing on a half hour of sleep, you tend to forget the rules a lot. So was the case when I ran an encounter with a serpentfolk cleric and her raised blood skeletons. She tried to escape but was followed by the party Alchemist who backed her into a corner.

GM: "The snake takes a five foot step before reaching into her scroll case. She draws a scroll and begins to cast from it."

Alchemist: "Drawing a scroll is a move action."

GM: "Ahem...What I meant to say was the snake withdraws five feet before reaching into her scroll case. She pulls out her obituary and begins to read it: "HERE LIES [NPC NAME] WHO DIED A MOST PAINFUL DEATH AT THE HANDS OF [PLAYER NAME] FOR NOT FOLLOWING THE RULES OF COMBAT. MAY HER SOUL REST IN SVERNAGATI WHERE SHE CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT IT ON THE RPG.NET FORUMS.""

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"Is only four useful inches on entirety of average man. Three in case of wizard."
- Yuelga Sokolov, professional wizard bodyguard.

"I will die protecting wizard. My mother died protecting wizard. My grandmother died protecting wizard. My great-grandmother killed by bear while s***ing in woods like most Irrisen elderly. I f***ing hate bears."
- Yuelga Sokolov, professional wizard bodyguard.

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I've got two from "Gip, the Crazed God!" a goblin Sage Sorcerer that used the Words of Power system.

Upon finding a clay hut with only three walls: "let's sleep in there, no one ever comes through the fourth wall!"
When the GM acted like he was going to his cup at me: "I'm sorry... Gip said to the GM."

Earlier, talking to a Garuda-Blooded Aasimar in the party, the discussion turned into playful insults and the like.

Gip: "I hope you get you-flu!"

Finally, Lyle Highhill, Halfling paladin, had to be dragged by a Goliath(3.5 race) into a bar full of demons and devils -pulling up cobblestone trying to stay out of it mind you- and screamed "I can't go in there, I'll get us all killed!"

Grand Lodge

Pathfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

"There's absolutely no danger here"

Seconds before Thelandras, Valory's Arcanis fighter failed the second of four required saving throws after being hit by several flesh to stone darts.

His stone statue was smashed and eaten by gorgons in the same combat.

"I was raised by gnomes. You know that one book a gnome wrote that is outright banned in most countries? Yeah... I eventually gave up and read it. It was either that or increasingly worse pranks."

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This one happened earlier in the evil campaign. At this point the party consisted of:

Dramatis Personae:
Argentinio Cervantes: Human wizard with a Jersey Shore accent (Hispanic name notwithstanding) and a douchebag personality to match.

KT-49: Android gunslinger (musket master IIRC); put on this Earth for the sole purpose of killing meatbags. Any resemblance to HK-47 completely coincidental.

Mackier: Cleric (race unknown) with a focus on undead. Spoke with an Australian accent when the player remembered he was supposed to.

Michael Baumhauer / "Michael Bomber": The mad pyro sorcerer mentioned in my previous post.

Zaknarak (spelling uncertain): Drow synthesist; name translates to "shadow storm"; fond of casting Deeper Darkness all over the battlefield...whether it would be helpful to the rest of the party or not.

We had been hired to investigate an increase in undead activity in the region, and had heard tell of a lich holed up in a tower nearby. As we drew closer to the tower, the lich's vampire lieutenant made the occasional mysterious appearance in an attempt to warn us away from pursuing his master.

Before I go any further, it should be noted that for this campaign we had decided that unless you actually said "out of character", then anything that came out of your mouth came out of your character's mouth as well.

Anyway, we get attacked by a large number of undead creatures in an abandoned village. While the rest of the party throws down with the undead, KT scouts for a safe way out of town, only to run straight into the vampire. He immediately raises his musket.

Vampire: "Stay your hand. Your weapon would not do much to me anyway. I have come with a message from my master. I have come to-"

And it's at exactly this moment that DM farts. Not a quiet fart either, but a loud, undeniable one. Needless to say the entire game dissolved into laughter for a good five minutes, after which we decided unanimously that that had been in-character, and that the vampire had just broken dusty, undead wind with the reek of centuries behind it.

KT: *shakes head* "F**k this."

He proceeded to shoot the vampire, crit and blow his entire left arm off at the shoulder. The vampire was so humiliated that we never saw him again, though we did believe at points that we could smell his presence.

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Thorn, elven treesinger and clueless about animals, upon witnessing normal druid Eric wild shaping into a seagull:

Thorn: "My gods! He was a bird all along!"

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During today's AD&D game, my players encountered a sarcophagus containing the remains of a long-dead sorcerer. After they smashed the skeletal corpse into dust, I responded by saying that they were worse archaeologists than Indiana Jones. The party thief responded, "hey man, we're not trying to archaeologist anything, we just wanted to make sure that dead guy didn't wake up."

Scarab Sages

We had a party of adventurers once find their way to an ancient cavern that no one had visited for centuries. But the floor of this place was covered in blood. Sticky blood. There were torture devices everywhere, and one iron maiden had some sort of goblin in it who was still alive and had apparently put himself in the iron maiden deliberately. He was giggling.

The GM gave us the most creepy, disgusting horror-show description of this place that he could. But he happened to mention there was a throne in the chamber. After he finished his description, one of the players announced that his PC went over to the throne - walking across the sticky floor to get to it - and sat down.

The player's character spent the next several months of in-game time in a coma while the rest of the party tried to figure out how to awaken him.

The player's response when we asked him why he thought it was a good idea to sit on the throne in that place?

"Somebody had to do it."

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A friend of mine played in a 4e game with a guy playing a dragonborn. During the middle of an RP encounter, the dragonborn's player let out a huge belch, after which the DM asked, "was that in character?" Before the player could answer, my friend added, "was that in Draconic?"

Bob (the undead blaster) peeks around the corner at the trio of demonic vampires then whispers, We can take them.
The less overly confident magus hisses back, You always say that!
I've always been right. Bob steps into the open and flings Searing Light and the vamp wearing the wizardly robes...

Liberty's Edge

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*party of a hobgoblin, duergar, kolbold, wyveran and drow walk into a local bar, theres a female pirate with her back turned to the party and a foot on a gold inlaid treasure chest*

Kolbold: GEMS! GOLD! TREASURE! *begins fawning over it and drooling, wringing his hands*

Duergar: Heh, wonder if the beer is as good as the women in this town.


Hobgoblin: urgh....All I want is a nice bed and a warm meal, and something to shut these idiots up.

*the drow, being a very distracted person, walks in, pulls off his tinted glasses and drops his jaw*

Drow: DAYUM! LOOK AT DAT BOOTY! *is staring at both the pirate and the treasure chest*

Hobgoblin:easy sonny, don't you go getting raunchy with them humans, they breed like vermin. Last thing you want is kids.

Shadow Lodge

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Said by a heavily inebriated human paladin(/slightly buzzed player at my table) in a feast hosted by a high priest of Asmodeaus "I use sense motive on the cake"
My elven ninja/sorcerer/arcane trickster "I'm getting a very dishonest vibe from the confections,"
The gnomish bard "the cake is a lie!"

Later in that same game

Oracle: upon being told he sees a gazebo "hail oh mighty gazebo!!"
(He didn't know what a gazebo was)
(We had a high cha, low wis party)

I cast detect poison on my party mates!

we needed info on goblins so we asked around in the town.
the 6 int dwarf barbarian walks up to a stranger in the park and goes: Hi we need some info about where goblins live.
GM: you wave your axe above your head, and say "ARRUGHGARUAahaurhaARUGUHAURHAGURHAUG"
the woman ran off screaming.

P1: I don't trust this guy.
P2: He just said he betrayed us.
P1: i think i'm gonna use sense motive.
P3: we are tied up in the back of a cart!
GM: you think he's untrustworthy.
P1: See! We should probably confront him.
P4: He is about to sell us into slavery with the *@#$ dark elves. Where have you been this whole campaign?
P1: Maybe he betrayed us?
everyone but P1: ATTACK THE STUPID ONE!!!!

Goddity wrote:

P4: He is about to sell us into slavery with the *@#$ dark elves. Where have you been this whole campaign?


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Mr. Fishy, joking, stated that the rocket launch was the sniper's weapon of choice...Mr. Fishy's oldest guppy went to school, where he informed the Coast Guard, speak in his class, that the Rocket Launcher was the sniper's weapon of choice...

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