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The dagger passed by his throat too close for comfort as he barely dodged it in time. Todar swore if they lived through this he was going to give Cade a verbal berating that would leave a balor crying in a corner. The thug backed up, preparing to thrust with his clearly magical flaming dagger.
That was all the time Todar needed, quickly weaving his hands in an intricate pattern and mumbling a few words, as he thrust his hands out aiming directly at the thug. Bolts of magical force jumped from his hands and slammed into the thug knocking him right into the back of the monk who was busy with the thugs other compatriot. The monk whirled, with what seemed faster than humanly possible speed, and round house kicked the thug in the ribs with such force that the audible *snap* from his neck breaking form the whiplash echoed up and down the alleyway.
Seeing an opportunity the thugs surged forward at the monk with renewed vigor, until two dagger appeared through their throats to quickly end that idea of attack....and their lives.
"Well that was fun" Cade said as the thugs bodies dropped to the ground. Todar marched up to him with clenched fists, "When I say "Introduce yourself to these kind gentlemen", I didnt mean "Try to pickpocket them while they are looking right at us!"
The monk just looked up to the night sky raising both hands to the heavens in what seemed a question and asked "Why me?"
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That was all the time Todar needed: quickly weaving his hands in an intricate pattern and mumbling a few words, he thrust his hands toward the villain. Bolts of magical force jumped from his hands and slammed into his foe; knocking him right into the back of the bald human who was dodging blows from the thugs compatriot. The man whirled with impossible speed and round house kicked the thug in the ribs with such force that the audible *snap* from his breaking neck echoed up and down the alleyway.
Sensing an opportunity, the last of the gang surged toward the monk; until two daggers appeared through their throats to quickly end that idea of attack....and their lives.
"Well that was fun." Cade declared as the thugs bodies dropped to the ground. Todar marched up to him with clenched fists, "When I said: "Introduce yourself to these kind gentlemen." I didn't mean: "Try to pickpocket them while they are looking right at us!"
The monk just looked up to the night sky, raised both hands to the heavens and asked "Why me?"
berating is always verbal, so it's unnecessary to use 'verbal berating' It's quite wordy too - is this expressing the character's voice?
'clearly magical flaming dagger - if it is clear then we don't need to be told it is clear, just shown. Also avoid repetition.
"Busy with" lacks clarity, are they sharing secrets, heavy petting or fighting?
'other compatriot' what happened to the first compatriot?
Do we need to know his character class? Shouldn't he be a character first?
Not good to use things like 'seeming' until you have established narrator, or at least narrative voice.
'impossible speed does the job - it happened, so it clearly isn't impossible, but we get a sense of what you hoped to convey - good ol' hyperbole.
whiplash - too much unnecessary detail slows down fight, short snappy phrases for action, we still get that he's badass
'the thugs'? which thugs? before there were only two and one just died.
Corrected some grammar for quoting and some tense/syntax confusion
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second edit
That was all the time Todar needed: quickly weaving his hands in an intricate pattern and mumbling a few words, he thrust his hands toward the villain. Bolts of magical force jumped from his hands and slammed into his foe; knocking him right into the back of the bald human who was dodging blows from the thug's compatriot. The man whirled with impossible speed and round house kicked the thug in the ribs with such force that the audible *snap* from his breaking neck echoed up and down the alleyway.
Sensing an opportunity, the remaining two members of the gang surged toward the bald man's back; until two daggers flew into their throats to quickly ending their attack....and their lives.
"Well, that was fun." Cade declared as the thugs bodies dropped to the ground.
Todar marched up to him with clenched fists, "What in all the nine hells is wrong with you!"
The monk just looked up to the night sky, raised both hands to the heavens and asked "Why me?"
Removed character class references (not only is it poor form to assume knowledge but it also breaks verisimilitude, we need to find out that he is a monk before we call him one).
Tried to balance the proper noun/pronoun use a little more evenly.
I am having trouble with the lat two thugs' behaviour, they 'see an opportunity' when the monk shows how utterly badass he is? Perhaps they should be 'filled with wild rage' or 'determined to avenge their friend'?
Appeared through the throats is a strong visual image but: (1) It's been over-used in fantasy, (2) you have already used 'impossibly fast' in this very fight and (3) in a magical world you have to be careful not to imply a non-magical character has magic: was this a spell?
It's inelegant to make characters spout plot. Either the reader found out about the pickpocketing before or he finds out in an interesting way later. Unless picking pockets is vital to this character and must be found out immediately I would amend the whole chat. Also, 'pickpocket' is a noun that becomes a verb rather awkwardly if this must be kept perhaps 'pick their pockets' It can also be good to differentiate speech by using contractions that are common in speech but not writing, such as they're.
In this edit we know that Cade is somewhat amoral/immoral (provoking unnecessary conflicts in which three people die) but with more ambiguity, and ambiguity hooks readers.
Corrected quotation further - new soeaker = new line
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OK, I made this story for it to be fun as it tells the story of the characters of three of my friends and myself. I thought other people would have fun joining in as well with their characters.
You also made a gammar error of your own "until two daggers flew into their throats to quickly ending their attack....and their lives."
1st of all you use the word "to" when you should have used "too"
2nd it makes more sense to say "too END their attackS (You forgot your "S" at the end of "attack" and should have said "end" instead of
ending...it makes no sense)
If I wanted a critic, I would ask. I did this for fun, not to be critiqued. If your control issues are so out of control that you need to make yourself feel better by breaking other people down, I'm not even sure I want you as a critic as you would let your personal issues cloud your judgment. Now I understand why your avatar pic is a Githyanki....due to how they are always such rude, "know it all" prics.
Good day, farewell, and piss off. (By the way St. Cuthbert must be your favorite deity as you seem to be very Lawful Nuetral. That also means "Douchebag", you pull it off really well)
