I'm thinking of running a kobold bard in the near future, and I wanted to prep a number of gnome jokes, just for fun. So let's see if we can get a good number. And remember, the lamer the jokes, the better.
I'll start. A gnome and a human walk into a tavern, they each go up to the bar to order a drink. Then the gnome turns to the human and says, "Could you help me out, I'm a little short."
I'd avoid making short jokes. Kobolds are normally as tall as gnomes and so are of a similarly ideal height so it makes little sense. My gnome character calls medium-sized characters "doublings" and "giant-kin". =)
If playing a reptilian kobold then mammals jokes are the order of the day! Make fun of the gnomes' hairiness, lack of tails, lack of claws and fangs, soft squishy flesh, propensity for drinking milk and their mammalian musky odor. I'd compare them to moles or badgers. "Badgers? BADGERS? WE DON'T NEED NO STINKING BADGERS!"
Then there's the comic potential involved the gnome name itself. Be sure to pronounce g when saying "gnome"; as in "GUH-nome". But don't stop there; ad "Guh" as a prefix to any word that starts with an N when talking about gnomes. "Those G-naughty g-nomish g-ninjas!"
Director of Brand Strategy
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I briefly played a gnome illusionist who used to perform out of the stage on the side of her wagon. Her obsessive was collecting jokes, so when things got slow or it was particularly inappropriate, I'd "test out" a newly discovered joke on the party. They were all bad puns or non-sequitors and none were funny. I also used to tell knock-knock jokes with my raven familiar. So I've done something similar, but not quite the same thing. Let me think if I can come up with any gnome-specific jokes, though.
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Sometimes I can't resist the urge to create bad jokes. Something to get your started:
What do you call a gnome with brown hair, brown eyes, and plain looks?
A Garden (Variety) Gnome.
What do you call a gnome that has fallen into a gulley?
A Deep Gnome.
What do you call a gnome that’s been crushed by an avalanche?
A Rock Gnome.
Why did the cockatrice cross the road?
To create a new variety of Rock Gnome.
Why is a gnome’s nose so big?
To distract you from the rest of his ugly face.
Why don’t dwarves shave their beards?
So they won’t be mistaken for fat gnome!
Why do some gnomes have pink hair?
So fashionable kobolds can have an attention grabbing loincloth.
That should get you started. I'll see if more come to mind later...
I'm thinking of running a kobold bard in the near future, and I wanted to prep a number of gnome jokes, just for fun. So let's see if we can get a good number. And remember, the lamer the jokes, the better.
I'll start. A gnome and a human walk into a tavern, they each go up to the bar to order a drink. Then the gnome turns to the human and says, "Could you help me out, I'm a little short."
A gnome and a human walk into a tavern and order some ale. The gnome checks his coin pouch, then looks up at the human and asks, "Do mind getting this, I'm a little short?"
(I think I heard a joke similar to this in World of Warcraft -- I thought it was kind of silly, but then we are talking about gnomes afterall)
Why did the cockatrice cross the road?
To create a new variety of Rock Gnome.
LMFAO - ace!
I think you can still go with short jokes, it is a little out of game, but they are easier. This goes double if your Kobold has an enlarge spell or similar.
"You're so short you need stilts to scratch your head!"
is a favorite of mine. Also, badger-sexual-innuendo is a must.
Peace,
tfad
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I think it'd be pretty funny if your kobold ends alot of his jokes with, "Get it? Cuz...(insert explanation of joke.)"
Here are a few riddles:
Q. Where’s the best place to find a gnome?
A1. A stew pot (You know. Because kobolds eat them.)
A2. A snake pit (...Because it's fun to watch them die.)
A3. A trap-filled passageway (Cuz, you know, gnomes are stupid.)
Etc.
Q. What do you call a gnome from a large city?
A. A metro-gnome. (See? Cuz a large city is called a metropolis.)
Q. What do you call a gnome who never settles in one place?
A. A gnome-ad (See? It's funny because it sounds like I said nomad.)
Q. How come gnomes can only talk to animals once per day?
A. It’s all the animals can take. (Get it? Cuz gnomes are terrible conversationalists.)
And then there's the "stand up routine" approach (with dwarf and halfling insults for extra kick)...
I gotta tell ya, gnomes are the most dishonest humanoids of them all. They’re even better at lying than halflings and halflings wrote the book on lying…then the gnomes took credit for it and the halflings believed them. And talk about ugly. Lemme tell ya, gnomes are so good at illusion magic because they have to be. It’s the only way they can hide how ugly they are. I once saw a gnome whose nostril hair was so long he looked like a dwarf woman under the effects of a reduce person spell. But there is one thing I’m willing to give a gnome…a treasure chest covered in contact poison and rigged to explode with deadly scorpions. Thanks. You’ve been a wonderful audience. I’ll be here all week. *dodges throwing hammers*
use dead baby jokes it fits the kobold anger
ie. how do gnomes dose it take to pant a wall?
depends on how hard you throw them
whats funner then a dead gnome ?
a dead gnome in a clown suit
Okay, bad Gnome joke coming up.
What’s the difference between a soccer ball and a Gnome?
A soccer ball can’t cast speak with animals 1/day.
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I found these gnome-related joke online and felt they really needed to be shared.
Warning - these jokes are kind of naughty...
This guy owns a horse stud farm. One day a friend phones him up and says, 'there's this gnome with a speech impediment I know who wants to buy a horse, so I've sent him round to see you.' Sure enough the gnome turns up. The owner asks him, 'do you want a male horse or a female horse?' 'A female horth', the gnome replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nith horth', says the gnome, 'can I thee her eyth?' So the owner picks up the gnome to show him the horses eyes. 'Nith eyth', says the gnome, 'can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks up the gnome to show him the horses teeth. 'Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?' the gnome says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner picks up the gnome to show him the horses ears. 'Nith eerth' he says 'now, can I see her twot?' With this the owner picks up the gnome and shoves his head deep inside the horse's v@\'a3$&a, he holds him there for a second before pulling him out and putting him down. The gnome shakes his head and says, 'maybe I should wefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound!'
Q.When is a Gnome not a Gnome?
A.When he's got his head up a Fairy's dress he's a Goblin!
Wow, some of these are great guys. I almost feel bad for the person playing the gnome, almost.
Why did the gnome cross the street?
Because I said I would hit him over the head with a club if he wouldn't.
Two gnomes are sitting on the river bank. One takes a copper piece from his pockets and pushes it into the ground. "Why are you doing that?", asks the other gnome.
"Because I wanted to know what it feels like to have money in the bank."
use dead baby jokes it fits the kobold anger
ie. how do gnomes dose it take to pant a wall?
depends on how hard you throw themwhats funner then a dead gnome ?
a dead gnome in a clown suit
to build on this,
What is more fun than nailing a gnome to a wall?
-Ripping it off again.
What is the difference between a gnome and a onion?
-No one cries when you chop up the gnome.
What is the difference between a gnome and a water melon?
-One's fun to hit with a sledge hammer, the other one's a water melon.
What goes *thump* "ouch!" *thump* "oop!" *thump* " AHH!"?
-a gnome in a barrel rolling down a hill
What goes *thump* *thump* *thump*?
-the same gnome still rolling ten minutes later.
What is red and pink and can't turn round in a corridor?
-A gnome with a javelin through its throat.
What is little and can't fit through a door?
-A gnome with a spear in its head.
Whats the difference between a gold cart and a pile of dead gnomes?
-I don't have a gold cart in the back room.