How can you tell the difference from an inbred girl from the backwoods and a walrus?
As for the "Mike (last name)" references. Those are all well and good, but did you hear about the Peacock family who gave birth to a bouncing baby boy they named Drew?
I can hear it over the loudspeaker now:
"Would Drew Peacock please report to the principal's office? Drew Peacock, please report to the principal's office."
True story, if you believe those morning talk show radio guys. :P
JESUS SAVES! AND ONLY TAKES HALF DAMAGE!
hehe, more questionably humourous statements or ideas.
Honk, if you like peace and quiet.
The early bird gets the worm; but the second mouse gets the cheese.
It might be cool to fly like an eagle; but weasels dont get sucked into jet intakes.
Hard work may pay off in the future; but laziness pays off now.
hehe guess my really bad jokes killed the thread; had not even got to old joe the miner or my horse racing joke yet; or the really bad one of the ping pong ball; was saving those for a bit.
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes
out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun,
and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun
and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
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A string walks into a bar and asks for a scotch. The bartender looks at him in disgust and says "We don't serve your kind in here, string. Get out!"
The string leaves, but is really thirsty. So he bends over and loops around himself and then musses up his ends and goes back into the bar, declaring "Scotch, please." The bartender looks at him real closely and says, "Say, are you that string I just chased out of here?"
The string replies "I'm a frayed knot."
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{caution: Dirty}
Blonde triplets are dating three boys, all named John. Being blonde and naturally confused, they are even more confused when they talk about their boyfriends. A brunette friend gives them an idea: come up with nicknames for your boyfriends so you can tell who you're talking about. The blondes think this is a great idea, and decide to pick nicknames with a theme. "Let's name our boyfriends after soda pops!" They take a week to come up with the names and then get back together.
Blonde one says "We're calling my John 7Up, because...
They all laugh bubbly, and the second one goes, "Ok, Ok, my John is going to be called Mountain Dew because...."
The giggle like a pack of hyenas. Finally the third one says "We're calling my John Jack Daniels."
The other two blondes look at their sister bewildered. Finally, one says "That's not a soda pop, honey, that's a hard liquor."
The third blonde smiles and says
Riddle
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
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Someone already stole my 'frayed knot' joke, so I guess I'm going to have to think of another.
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!
But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso popped out!
The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms popped out!
The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.
By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs popped out.
The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.
The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."
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There once was a king who lived in two-story grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.
The moral of this story? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
now for a few fantasy ones :
Did you hear about the person who stole from that Dwarf?
A human approaches a wizard and asks him to make him into an elf. "Sure," the wizard tells him, "but in order to make you an elf, I'll have to remove 30% of your height, make you 60% queerer, and add two inches to your penis."
The human agrees and the wizard begins his spell.
When the wizard is finished, he is shocked by the outcome. "Oh my," he says, "I'm terribly sorry. I accidently removed 60% of your height, made you 30% queerer, and removed two inches of your penis. Is this all right with you?"
"Aye, laddie," the dwarf replies.
Three dwarves walk into a bar. This never would have happened if this thread hadn't set the bar so low.
What's the difference between a female orc and a wild sow?
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On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said, "Burrr gurrr King."
A plucky explorer is travelling through the jungle* when he suddenly hears frantic drumming nearby. He turns to his trusty native guide and asks if this means trouble.
"Drums good", the guide replies, but then adds, "Drums stop: bad".
After a few minutes the drumming stops and the concerned explorer asks what will happen.
The guide replies:
* you may like to think of this joke occurring in the Mwangi Expanse