[The scene opens into a bank interior. Patrons are cowering on the floor as armed men order them to be silent. Police sirens are heard in the background and red and blue flashing lights are visible through the bank windows. ]
GANG LEADER SPEAKING INTO CELLPHONE: “Back up! I want all the cops back away from the bank or I stop popping hostages in the head!”
POLICE CHIEF’S VOICE OVER CELLPHONE: “You know we can’t do that. We’re sending in someone to talk to you. She’s not armed.”
GANG LEADER: “No! No one comes in!”
CHIEF: “She’s at the door already.”
[OCTOMOM ENTERS, LOOKING BATSHIAT CRAZY, AS USUAL]
OCTOMOM: “Sir, my name is Nadya Denise Doud-Suleman Gutierrez and I’m here to help.”
GANG LEADER: “Wait a minute. Aren’t you that crazy lady who has 14 kids?”
OCTOMOM: “That’s right. In order to support them I took this job as a hostage negotiator for the LAPD.”
GANG LEADER: “What? That makes no sense. You have worse judgment than I do! Oh, my head!”
[GANGLEADER SUFFERS AN ANEURYSM AND FALLS TO THE GROUND, DEAD. THE OTHER GANG MEMBERS FOLLOW SUIT.]
[POLICE STORM THE BANK]
CHIEF: “Good work, Octomom! It looks like all the hostages are safe!”
SECOND POLICE OFFICER: “Not so fast, Chief. Some of the hostages overhead her and they also suffered aneurysms.”
CHIEF: “Damn it! I can’t believe this!”
OCTOMOM: “Chief,I would like to be paid in donated sperm.”
CHIEF: “WHAT?!”
OCTOMOM: “I want to have more children. Why should I waste my remaining fertile years?”
CHIEF: “ARGH!”
THE CHIEF GRABS HIS HEAD AND SLUMPS TO THE GROUND. HE HAS ALSO SUFFERED AND ANEURYSM AND DIED.
OCOTOMOM THEN TURNS TO THE CAMERA AND GIVES HER NORMAL DERANGED LOOK.
THE SCENE GOES BLACK.
THE END.
