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One of my favorite jokes...
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub, and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about The Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. “I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers.”
“‘Tis odd, isn’t it?” the man replies. “You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank, as a way of keeping up the family bond.”
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon The Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. Word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, “Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know - the two beers and all…”
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, “Ah, well now. You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It’s just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent.”
<G> Charming and lyrical. Good stuff.
Sound like a later version, but a good one at that.
An englishman sits in a bar drinking a pint. Realizes there's a fly in it. Tsk, what a shame. Orders another.
An irishman sits in a bar drinking a pint. Realizes there's a fly in it. Finishes the drink.
A scotsman sits in a bar drinking a pint. Realizes there's a fly in it. The scotsman takes out the fly and begins to yell and curse 'spit it out ya wee bastard...SPIT IT OUT!!!'...
I heard the joke slightly differently. In the version I heard, the last time he comes in he orders two beers and a glass of milk and announces that he has become Mormon.
In the version I know, he just tells the bartender he's on the wagon.
One of my favorite drinking jokes ...
An Irishman by the name of Michael is on his deathbed. His best friend Joseph is by his side, comforting him during his last moments. As the talk turns to times past, Joseph looks a bit uncomfortable..
Joe: Michael, I have something to tell you before you pass on into Heaven.
Mike: Yes, Joseph, please tell me I'm all ears..
Joe: Well, you remember just last week when you came by my house?
Mike: Aye, Joseph, I remember it well.
Joe: And you remember you asked me if I had any whiskey to drink?
Mike: Aye Joe, that I do
Joe: And I'm sure you remember I told you I didn't have a drop of the creature in the house?
Mike: Aye, that I remember. I was powerfully thirsty that day.
Joe: Well, I lied. I had a fifth of whiskey hidden in me cupboard an' I didn't feel like sharing it. I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?
Michael sighs and looks at his friend.
Mike: Well, Joe, I'll forgive you, but you must do one thing for me.
Joe: Anything, Michael, just ask an' I'll do it!
Mike: When I'm dead and buried, I want you to take a fifth of whiskey, go to me resting place and pour it all over me grave.
Joe: That I'll do Michael, you have me promise on it! Only ...
Mike: What Joseph?
Joe: Well, would you mind terribly if it passes through me body first?
<rimshot>
I had the great good fortune to see the Irish Rovers in person at an Irish fair some years back ... and they had several wonderful jokes in their act, but my favorite was:
The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipe and the kilt ... and the Scots ain't got the joke yet :)
In the version I heard, the last time he comes in he orders two beers and a glass of milk and announces that he has become Mormon.
That is un-Hanks!