"Rank you Roris!"
<Horton puts his fingers at the corner of his mouth and pushes them up to imitate a smile.>
"We need to get outfitted for our mission, show the clerk the number."
"Welcome Back Tim...
Tim stands there for a several long seconds, eyes glazed and a rictus grin on his face, then salutes. "Yes, Sir, thank you Team Leader Sir! Tim-R-PRO-2 reporting for duty and assignment, Sir!"
Several more seconds pass...
"BUH-GAWK!" Though the noise comes from Tim, he looks startled and immediately starts peering around the room suspiciously. Seeing nothing unusual, he shrugs and falls into rank and file with the others.
You are standing at the front of the line waiting to get your gear, when suddenly you hear a voice on a bull horn. You see a man in a yellow suite (he looks like a game show host, but mostly dressed in yellow). With him is a band of smiling men and women dressed in the black jump suits with smiley face badges pinned to their uniforms.
"Greetings happy Citizens. My name is Gord-Y-PEW, I'm here with Happy Daze on behalf of the Glee Quota adjustors. Glee is down in this sector and we need to bring it up. Me and my team are here to lead you in some new loyalty songs that will help improve this sector's morale.
He looks around and his eyes set on your team.
"Now here are some fine looking citizens who look like excellent singers. Step forward happy citizens. Nothing helps improve glee like a sing-a-long."
You then notice that near the glee squad there is a green citizen with a grin and a clip board. Two armored vulture squad goons stand behind him with assault rifles. They are smiling too. Something about their smiles makes you uneasy.
Turns to the Yellow citizen without stepping out of line
*in a scratchy voice- one that sounds sore from yelling not being sick*
Greetings Citizen, Glorious day, I don't think we're the ones you're looking for, I think I heard some beautiful singing in the back of the line though. *crack voice* All Hail the computer!
Turns to the Yellow citizen without stepping out of line
*in a scratchy voice- one that sounds sore from yelling not being sick*
Greetings Citizen, Glorious day, I don't think we're the ones you're looking for, I think I heard some beautiful singing in the back of the line though. *crack voice* All Hail the computer!
*gulp* i didn't notice that other post while i was typing that one!!!
oh well!! LOL
The green citizen looks at Boris with an appraising gaze.
"You are correct citizen. Your voice does not sound so good. Did you know that one of the primary causes of illness is substandard hygiene? Perhaps, you are not maintaining proper hygiene. Come over here citizen Boris, I must conduct a hygiene inspection.
Could the hygiene inspector on this team also come forward. I want to make sure that he has received proper training and is not neglecting his duties. The rest of you can partake in the sing-a-long. Do your best folks. Remember that enthusiasm is more important than talent, but talent doesn't hurt."
gravelly voice "Sing-a-long troops, from where you are" "Equipemtn Officer, hold our place in line, while singing your loudest"
TAKES A HALF A STEP, with my foot still in line TOWARD THE CITIZEN OPENS HIS MOUTH AND LEANS FORWARD
Just seconds before Boris begins Horton starts belting a little diddy out with all his might:
"Hello Citizens. This is your old pal, Horton-R-TPK-2. Is this a song about being sad? No! This is a song about being happy! That's right! It's the Happy Happy Joy Joy song!"
"Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy! "
"I don't think you're happy enough! That's right! I'll teach you to be happy! I'll teach your progenitor to suck soylent! Now, boys and girls, let's try it again!"
"Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Happy Happy Joy Joy
Happy Happy Joy Joy Joy!"
<Horton dances like Al Jolson, smiles, and giggles between verses.>
<Horton also steps out of line while doing this.>
"Great enthusiasm citizen!" says the green citizen. He looks at Horton's name tag (did I mention you all have name tags. Name tags are mandatory. Keep them nice and straight) as he steps up to Boris to give his inspection and then jots a note down on the electronic paper on his clipboard.
Next he has Boris open wide, and he looks into Boris's throat. He shines a small pen light down there.
Presumably Bob also steps forward. As the green citizen examines Boris he narrates for Bob.
"As you know there a couple basic hygiene inspections. The most common being one of general cleanliness and hygiene maintenance. The second one is designed to search for sources of specific ailment or illness. We are currently conduction the latter, as citizen Boris has complained about a sore throat. Right now I am taking a look at his throat to look for swelling or inflamation, of which I see none. I will also do a basic breath and clean teeth check.
Hygiene check for Boris: 1d20 8=9
His face contorts horribly as he puts his face near Boris's mouth.
This is some of the worst breath I have ever smelt! Citizen Boris, are you aware that your mouth is cess pit? Do you floss? This is completely inexcusable. Never has my nose been so offended!!
He looks at the two goons.
"Take him away for a full body cleanse."
One of the guards draws a taser type gun, and blasts Boris. Boris collapses to the ground, and the big man drags his limp body away. The green citizen then looks at Bob.
"To let such substandard hygiene exist on your team shows a complete disregard for your duty. Such disregard is treasonous. Now you had best conduct the finest and most thorough full team hygiene inspection I have ever seen."
"cluckcluckcluckcluckcluckcluckcluckcluckcluckcluckcluck..."
Tim blinks rapidly, then his eye twitches spasmodically.
"Hygiene Officer, I suggest that the inspection start with Horton. He is currently the center of attention with all that singing and we certainly would not want him to be seen as exemplary of our squad if he is suffering from poor hygiene. That would be a poor show of loyalty and as loyalty officer I simply could not BUH-GAWK! let that stand."
*twitch*
Boris
When you are done you are allowed to put your uniform on. Then you are dragged by two big goons into a small interrogation room. A yellow citizen with a truncheon waits for you. He has your gear, including your damaged PDC and satchel. He tosses the satchel down on the table. and pulls out some of the Commie pamphlets.
"These were found in your satchel."
Boris
"Take him away for a full body cleanse."
<Horton feels even more warmth and happiness upon hearing this and witnessing the consequent tasering.>
"Hygiene Officer, I suggest that the inspection start with Horton. He is currently the center of attention with all that singing and we certainly would not want him to be seen as exemplary of our squad if he is suffering from poor hygiene. That would be a poor show of loyalty and as loyalty officer I simply could not BUH-GAWK! let that stand."
GM EYES:
"cluckcluckcluckcluckcluckcluckcluckcluckcluckcluckcluck..."
*twitch*
<Horton begins recording Tim's nervous behaviour with his PDC.>
Tim
"cluckcluckcluckcluckcluckcluckcluckcluckcluckcluckcluck..."
Tim blinks rapidly, then his eye twitches spasmodically.
"Hygiene Officer, I suggest that the inspection start with Horton. He is currently the center of attention with all that singing and we certainly would not want him to be seen as exemplary of our squad if he is suffering from poor hygiene. That would be a poor show of loyalty and as loyalty officer I simply could not BUH-GAWK! let that stand."
*twitch*
Quietly into his PDC while recording with his best documentarian's voice: "He seems to be making strange noises. Perhaps his sanity is compromised and his ability to serve the computer is coming to the end. What a tragedy after heroically surmounting the intellectual deficiencies of his gene line."
Boris
** spoiler omitted **
GM EYES:** spoiler omitted **
<Horton tries to get some cool zoom shots and pan shots.>
"... Or perhaps this is the beginning of some treacherous plan."
"I will now begin the Computer-mandated full-body-hygiene-inspection. Happiness Officer Logan, I will examine you first."
Bob then begins the inspection, including the following sub-inspections:
- Holding open Logan's eye, and gazing intently for possible buildup of gunk,
- Holding up tip of Logan's nose and staring into each nostril, his forehead nearly touching the nose,
- Forcibly opens Logan's mouth, probing around Logan's mouth looking for any sign of plaque and checking that both sides of the tongue have been properly scraped as mandated by the Computer, with his face close enough that Logan could trim Bob's eyebrows with his teeth, and smelling Logan's breath
- Staring into Logan's ear canal for signs of ear-wax buildup,
- Slowly combing through every square inch of Logan's hair, including eyebrows, for signs of lice, dandruff, or general disorder,
- Forcibly searching Logan's face for the smallest blackhead, pimple, or improperly trimmed facial hair,
- Inspects Logan's fingernails for any grime under the nail, loose hang-nails or improper trimming,
- Searching Logan's fingers for unsightly blemishes, dirt spots, or improperly-combed knuckle-hairs,
- Forcibly removes Logan's shoes and inspects his feet for any dirt, improperly trimmed toenails, errant hairs, and insures that Logan's feet generally smell as fresh as the day he was cloned.
"Now, Happiness Officer Logan, remove your jumpsuit so we can continue with the Computer-recommended cleanliness inspection."
He does all of this with an unnerving smile.
GM:
Hygiene Test for Logan: 1d20 11=12
The green citizen watches closely as Bob conducts his ultra-thorough inspection on Logan.
"See what you find when you're thorough. Look at that earwax build up and those wild nose hairs, and don't get me started on the dandruff."
As Logan takes off his pants you hear the green inspector shout. "By all that is pure and good! 100 credit fine!"
He appears to nearly throw up in his mouth. He motions to the remaining vulture squad goon. The vulture squad goon tasers Logan and drags him away.
"Computer send back up vulture squad. We have a serious situation here."
"Keep it moving citizen," he orders Bob
Boris
Boris
** spoiler omitted **
As Logan takes off his pants you hear the green inspector shout. "By all that is pure and good! 100 credit fine!"
<Horton makes sure to get an extreme closeup of Logan's filthy drawers.>
"By the greatness of the Computer. I shall never be the same!"
<Horton makes sure to get a shot of the shocked looks on his Teammates' faces.>
"Cluck!"
Tim checks on the progress of the line, happily ignoring his tasered, pantsless companion...
<Recording with his PDC:>
"Tell me, Tim-R-PRO, how does if feel to hold the key position of happiness officer? The stress, perhaps, is unbearable?"
DM EYES:
<Horton catches Tru's question and pans the camera to Boris.>
Whispers into the microphone: "Our fearless and loyal leader will now demonstrate the keen awareness for which he is famous."
Loudly to Boris, mouthing and enunciating dramatically as he turns the camera on himself: "As the communication officer I need to make sure you heard Tru, he asked you the mission number."
Unfortunately, it seems that about the time the clerk is asking for the mission number, is about the same time that Boris is being tasered and hauled away.
Perhaps you had better ask the computer.
|
"Great enthusiasm citizen!" says the green citizen. He looks at Horton's name tag (did I mention you all have name tags. Name tags are mandatory. Keep them nice and straight) as he steps up to Boris to give his inspection and then jots a note down on the electronic paper on his clipboard.
Next he has Boris open wide, and he looks into Boris's throat. He shines a small pen light down there.
Presumably Bob also steps forward. As the green citizen examines Boris he narrates for Bob.
"As you know there a couple basic hygiene inspections. The most common being one of general cleanliness and hygiene maintenance. The second one is designed to search for sources of specific ailment or illness. We are currently conduction the latter, as citizen Boris has complained about a sore throat. Right now I am taking a look at his throat to look for swelling or inflamation, of which I see none. I will also do a basic breath and clean teeth check.
Hygiene check for Boris: 1d20 8=9
His face contorts horribly as he puts his face near Boris's mouth.
This is some of the worst breath I have ever smelt! Citizen Boris, are you aware that your mouth is cess pit? Do you floss? This is completely inexcusable. Never has my nose been so offended!!
He looks at the two goons.
"Take him away for a full body cleanse."
One of the guards draws a taser type gun, and blasts Boris. Boris collapses to the ground, and the big man drags his limp body away. The green citizen then looks at Bob.
"To let such substandard hygiene exist on your team shows a complete disregard for your duty. Such disregard is treasonous. Now you had best conduct the finest and most thorough full team hygiene inspection I have ever seen."
"Take him away for a full body cleanse."
One of the guards draws a taser type gun, and blasts Boris. Boris collapses to the ground, and the big man drags his limp body away. The green citizen then looks at Bob.
Bob continues his thorough hygiene inspections.
Tim (bonuses for being a fresh clone) 1d20 5=17
Horton 1d20 12=29
The green citizen continues his commentary
"Now here we have what appears to be two freshly decanted citizens eager to serve the computer. As such, their hygiene should be impeccable.
He looks closely at Tim
"Tim your hygiene is fairly good. Your uniform is pressed and teeth are clean. However you have a powerful natural odor. It is imperative that with such an odor you are applying complex approved deodorant on a regular basis. Bob, if you had been doing your job properly, you would have noticed Tim's man stink, and you would have seen to it that it was dealt with.
"You folks are troubleshooters damn it! If you are in a shootout with commie traitors you can't afford to be burdened by the smell of body odor. It has been proven that strong body odor can decrease a troubleshooter's aim by as much as 10%. Insubordination- 100 credit fine to this man!"
He then moves on to Horton. The yellow citizen, who had been patiently waiting to conduct his sing-a-long has turned his attention elsewhere- not wanting to interrupt such an important and thorough hygiene inspection.
"Now, here we have a citizen displaying exemplary hygiene. His ears, nose and teeth are all clean. Even his anus is entirely free of debris. If you were doing your job properly Bob, then all your team would have anus's this clean. Congratulations citizen Horton, you are the first member of your team to pass the hygiene inspection."
He writes a note on his clipboard.
The order of hygiene inspections has bought Tru a bit more time to keep dealing with the clerk.
<Recording with his PDC:>
"Tell me, Tim-R-PRO, how does if feel to hold the key position of happiness officer? The stress, perhaps, is unbearable?"
DM EYES:** spoiler omitted **
Tim snaps his head around to look at Horton, eyes wide, as an even wider smile spreads across his face. He puts his best side forward to the camera.
"Horton-R-TPK, you seem entirely too wrapped up in your documentary to remember that Logan is your Happiness Officer. My post in this extraordinarily important mission is that of Loyalty Officer. It appears that you have fogotten that. Forgetting important details like that is a sign of flagging loyalty, wouldn't you agree? You wouldn't want to appear to be disloyal and uncaring about our mission, would you HORTON-R-TPK?
I might even go so far as to say that your flagging loyalty is making me unhappy and uncomfortably odorous. Doesn't it make you feel bad to know that you're pulling down the morale of the team and costing me 100 credits? I don't want to feel bad; you don't want to feel bad. We should be happy. You should be loyal. A good way to start being loyal would be to stop filming me and get about the important business of helping with the equipment when it arrives."
*pulls out his PDC*
"PDC, please recite our current mission number."
DM:
"PDC, please give me a list of possible friendly corrections for a troubleshooter who neglects to remember who his officers are."
Horton
<Recording with his PDC:>
"Tell me, Tim-R-PRO, how does if feel to hold the key position of happiness officer? The stress, perhaps, is unbearable?"
DM EYES:** spoiler omitted **
Logan
When you are done you are allowed to put your uniform on. Then you are dragged by two big goons into a small interrogation room. A yellow citizen with a truncheon waits for you. He tosses the yellow laser barrel he found in your satchel down on the table.
"Can you explain this, Citizen Logan?"
Boris
The envelop says- Svetlana-Y-KOF-4 The address is KOF sector, level 67, Studio 45.