The magazine might be gone, but you still have questions! Can't get to the Wizard's website? I'm here for you.
No question too big or too small. Gaming advice, life lessons.
Gentle Parrot, pray tell, what is sock puppetry?
Gentle Parrot, pray tell, what is sock puppetry?
Brawk! Unlike the beloved children's toy we all know, online sock puppetry consists of a single person using multiple accounts to espouse an opinion or vote multiple times, and should be discouraged.
Scintillating! If only more people had questions...
Are you related to the Sage Advice guy?
Andy? Yeah, we're brothers.
Well, we're "like" brothers.
Who don't talk.
And come from different mothers and fathers.
Ok we're pen pals.
We met once.
well ok, I think I saw him once.
In a picture.
I can't back that up.
FINE! I'm far too lazy to even google what he looks like.
I believe its a Flecro :) but I will defer to the stooge for clarification.
If a half orc and a half elf have a baby, what is it?
Greetings Gentle Reader, and thank you for your interest in Stooge advice. We're currently loading a half-elf up with alcohol in order to get a more exact answer to your question. Inquiring minds wish to know: will it be an olf? A Horc? Answers expected in 9 months!
Can hobgoblins and xorns interbreed, or do you have to go the "mad wizard experiment" route?
Gentle Reader, there's nothing quite like a beautiful summer morning pierced by the plaintive wail of a xorn's mating snorkel. Ahhh, young love. Most people do not know this, but while Xorns find hobgoblins indigestible, they also find them irresistible! Not to mention, I think we all know what happens to hobgoblins when a little Barry White starts playing. That's magic of its own variety.
Can you catch yourself flatfooted and get an attack of opportunity against yourself?
Absolutely. Remind me to tell you the whimsical tale of tell of the time I Coup De Graced myself after dropping the soap in the pen (I was framed, I swear).
I believe its a Flecro :) but I will defer to the stooge for clarification.
Always wise, gentle goblinoid. I believe the Flecro is actually the child of a full blooded orc and elf. A daunting prospect if ever there was one. Rest assured, when this abomination of all that is natural hatches, I pledge to give the community naming rights.
Readers, we regret to inform you that the half-orc / half-elf hybrid has encountered a "snag." Following what can only be considered a shockingly short gestation period, a large moth-like creature sporting the fire subtype emerged and destroyed the lab. All surviving lab workers have been fitted with psionic puppeteers to ensure Non Disclosure Agreement compliance, and all materials and data regarding project Genesis are now forbidden.
If I cast sleep on myself and save, how long before I can operate construction equipment?
Even with the saving throw, the Stooge suggests you wait a good half hour before climbing into an industrial washing machine.
Oh, Paizo Parrot. Why do we love you so?
Oh, Paizo Parrot. Why do we love you so?
It could be my rakish good looks, but I'm more willing to bet it's all the mind control additives we've been doping milk with the last 20 years. Does a body good!
I'd call it goooood eatin'!
O most wise, sagacious (and, one must add, comely) of psittacidae, why if the traffic doth move slowest - if at all - during that time, do they call it "rush hour"?
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Dear parrot,
Woe be unto me! Some vandal has penetrated my inner sanctum's library and purloined all of my tomes of lore pertaining to delving into the dankest dungeons and slaying the impertinent monsters that dwell therein!
Oddly enough, the skulking rapscallion left behind a scrip of parchment that stated he would return in eight months and teach me to access another demiplane to obtain an improved version of my magnificent collection of scrolls and librams.
This miscreant even means to charge me gold for this 'boon'.
My question is, should I trust this wizard?
Oh Paizo Parrot!
I have two questions:
1) If a human and a halfling had a kid, would you call it a quarterling?
- and -
2) Do you sign my paychecks?
Dear “sleepless in Seattle,”
While I find it difficult to believe that the offspring of a Halfling and Human would be a baby goat, such things are possible with dark magics, and as such, I suppose you might call it whatever you like, and smite those who disagree with you. As to your second query, sadly, the parrot lacks prehensile thumbs, and therefore must delegate paycheck autographs to a third party service.
I'd call it a baby goat.
The parrot quietly marks down Heathansson for "re-education."
O most wise, sagacious (and, one must add, comely) of psittacidae, why if the traffic doth move slowest - if at all - during that time, do they call it "rush hour"?
Dear “perspicacious and polysyllabic in Pittsburgh,”
Unfortunately, rush hour was named on “opposite day,” and the name stuck. This is also why we drive on a parkway, park on a driveway, and why candidates run for office mainly by standing around and talking.
Dear parrot,
Woe be unto me! Some vandal has penetrated my inner sanctum's library and purloined all of my tomes of lore pertaining to delving into the dankest dungeons and slaying the impertinent monsters that dwell therein!
Oddly enough, the skulking rapscallion left behind a scrip of parchment that stated he would return in eight months and teach me to access another demiplane to obtain an improved version of my magnificent collection of scrolls and librams.
This miscreant even means to charge me gold for this 'boon'.
My question is, should I trust this wizard?
Dear “Blackmailed in Boston,”
Absolutely not! This is skullduggery of the lowest sort. Instead, I recommend you gather your remaining fortunes, liquidate all assets, and send everything to:
“The Paizo Parrot’s Little Golden Book of Hexes”
Curses for all ages and species (now with full color illustrations).
c/o Paizo Parrot
Drop this in any postal box, and I assure you my mind-controlled minions will rush it to me literally “post haste.”
As an aside, one of the pages in a book I have recently acquired regarding binding the Tarrasque appears to be soiled. If you may have owned a similar volume in the past, might I inquire as to where it was purchased, so I might obtain a replacement?
Do all ogres have trouble with the square-root of -1?
Dear “confounded in California,”
As carnivores, it has been my experience that Ogres have difficulty with roots of any sort, square or not.
I'd call it goooood eatin'!
Always remember to floss after eating baby, no matter the species! Cleanliness is next to Queenliness, after all.
Dearest Parrot,
If they are called "apartments" why are they built abutted upon one another?
Dearest Parrot,
If they are called "apartments" why are they built abutted upon one another?
Gentle reader, thank you for once again taking the time to bump this thread to the prominent position of dominance over other, lesser threads, where it truly belongs.
I believe the answer you seek is that the word apartment is a bastardized form of the Italian word "appartamento," which is itself derived from Latin and meaning, quite literally, "I hate my neighbors, and if they don't stop running back and forth at all hours and banging their headboard next to my kid's room I'm going to burn this whole complex down."
Have a blessed day.
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If a half orc and a half elf have a baby, what is it?Greetings Gentle Reader, and thank you for your interest in Stooge advice. We're currently loading a half-elf up with alcohol in order to get a more exact answer to your question. Inquiring minds wish to know: will it be an olf? A Horc? Answers expected in 9 months!
I thought it was called a 'Yet Another Random Splatbook Template,' but I could be wrong.
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I thought it was called a 'Yet Another Random Splatbook Template,' but I could be wrong.If a half orc and a half elf have a baby, what is it?Greetings Gentle Reader, and thank you for your interest in Stooge advice. We're currently loading a half-elf up with alcohol in order to get a more exact answer to your question. Inquiring minds wish to know: will it be an olf? A Horc? Answers expected in 9 months!
You just think you're cool cos you're in the Malleus Monstorum, Mr. Shiny.
Dear Parrot Advice Guy,
What in tarnations is a Malleus Monstorum?
I thought it was called a 'Yet Another Random Splatbook Template,' but I could be wrong.
With the introduction of 4th Edition, we’ve decided to refer to them as “kits” again.
Is the abundance of half-dragon creatures due to an increase in the level of sex shown on television? Pray tell.
Oh, “Shiny in Singapore,”
If only that were the case. Gone are the childlike days of our virtuous youth, filled with pee pee’s and wee wee’s, before the Parrot was mandated by the court to gaze only upon PBS. In truth, the sharp increase in half-dragon creatures is directly attributable to the fact that all Dragons suffer from “Restless Leg Syndrome.” With the advent of the Requip ™ Tablet, many dragons have begun to experience “increased sexual urges,” and let me tell you, when a dragon starts to rub up against your leg, good luck swatting that 800 lb gorilla off!
Dear Parrot Advice Guy,
How do I be cool and get in the Malleus Monstorum?
Greetings and felicitations “Curious in Cranston,”
Becoming a figurehead of the Cthulhu mythos is easier than one might think: Simply turn your skin inside out, survive or be reanimated (either is acceptable), and transfigure your bodily fluids into a clear gel that both dissolves flesh and grants psychedelic visions. Easy as pie!
In addition, it never hurts to exist outside of time, act capriciously towards humanity, or create your own progeny of lower “servitor creatures.”
Dear Parrot Advice Guy,
What in tarnations is a Malleus Monstorum?
Dearest “Tarnated in Texas,”
It would appear the fine subcreatures at Chaosium have compiled a nearly complete accounting of my family tree . Sniffle, this thread reminds me of our last family reunion, when Uncle Yog-Sothoth had too much to drink and fell up a well. Good times.
Thanxs, smart parrot.
Hmm....servitors....I have squirrel ninjas, with tentacle eyestalk thingies that spit their stomachs out. Will that do?
It’s a good start, especially if the tentacles reach out and devour the stomachs of another squirrel that spits them. You might consider forming them into some sort of deviant religion, or at least have them gibber, or, as a last resort, make them sing show tunes (the horror, THE HORROR).
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Dear Parrot Advice Guy,
How do I be cool and get in the Malleus Monstorum?Greetings and felicitations “Curious in Cranston,”
Becoming a figurehead of the Cthulhu mythos is easier than one might think: Simply turn your skin inside out, survive or be reanimated (either is acceptable), and transfigure your bodily fluids into a clear gel that both dissolves flesh and grants psychedelic visions. Easy as pie!
In addition, it never hurts to exist outside of time, act capriciously towards humanity, or create your own progeny of lower “servitor creatures.”
Or all of the above.
Gibbering....hmmm...how about meeping? Do ninjas meep? When they're not bein all quiet like...
Meep!
Venemous, undead kangaroos?! They sound worse'n jackelopes!