Ecology of the Dungeon Master
An essay by Blackdragon PHDM
The Dungeon Master, often known by the abbreviation DM Is by far the most powerful and fickle creature in all of the D&D world. They shape worlds, destroy cities and kill thousands without a thought for no other reason than the need to challenge an adventuring group of minor consequence in the grand scheme of things.
Some people have asked me, ‘Are DM’s gods?’ No. They are something far more powerful. In a particular world, the DM that controls it is omnipotent, knowing even the Gods thoughts and goals. They can move mountains, armies and people with a mere flick of their magic dice. They control creation like a demented child, creating chaos from law for their own amusement. Life and death are for their own enjoyment and the struggle of all of creation is held in a fish bowl for them to enjoy.
But all is not fun and games for the DM. While they have no natural enemies, there are several types of creatures that are a great source of stress to the DM. The first is called the Rules Lawyer. This annoying little monster has read every law of the world or Core Book as they are called and can recite them verbatim when it would give them an edge. They are pushy and argumentative, never understanding that their life is in the hands if the DM they are yelling at. Rules Lawyers often forget that the DM can add and throw out rules as they will, and that the DM, not the Player has final say as to how the rules are interpreted.
The second source of stress is the dreaded Munchkin, vile little creatures that attempt to hijack the world for their own demented purposes. They are obsessed about power and money, but care little for story and depth. Most DM’s will kill Munchkins at the first opportunity, usually in a funny way, brought on by the Munchkins stupidity. The bane of all munchkins is a Dm that closes loophole in the laws of physics and then give no further reason that ‘Because I said so!’ If this fails a rolled up newspaper is also effective.
The final source of stress is when another DM enters their territory. DM’s have the power to enter another DM’s game by assuming mortal form, an Avatar if you will, and adventuring under another DM’s control. This leads to The DM/PC arguing with the DM because they ‘wouldn’t have done things that way in their world’. This leads to Dangerous arguments that can have repercussions over many words for years to come due to both DM’s having huge egos.
Can a DM be defeated? No. In fact, most adventures are unaware they even exist, and blame their folly on the Gods instead. Sacrifices of pizza and soda will often appease a DM for a little while and thrown dice and chips can drive them away.
When dealing with a DM it is important to remember that your opinions may be important to them, but in the long run, their decisions are final. I have heard in the past people accuse DM’s of the dreaded MetaGaming, shivering at the thought. But the reality is that the DM is Omnipotent unlike the adventures in the world. They know all and can impart that information into any person that they choose. In the end, they do not MetaGame, they are the Game. They prod villains into divining the weaknesses of adventurer, they allow more powerful magic to be uncovered by the enemy. They prod the use of spies and assassins and give them money hire them. All this considered, there is one thing that the DM doesn’t want the adventures to know, a simple truth to the universe. Secretly, the DM is on the adventures side, and wants them to succeed. Though it would be wise never to accuse one of this due to the painful death that would follow.
This is great!
Superlative humour, bravo!
Isn't it a little unusual to do an "ecology" article for a deity? ;)
Isn't it a little unusual to do an "ecology" article for a deity? ;)
I thought autobiography would have sounded a little conceited.
I didn't realize I was all that. I better let my players know.
:-)
You still have a short time under my gauntlet before I submit to the Age of Worms....
Holy Crap a rolled up newspaper, that really works, coool. Here munchkin, here munchkin, munchkin. I've been throwing prunes at him.
Great stuff. you should right more and submit it for next years April's Issue.